"Things we lose have a way of coming back to us in the end, if not always in the way we expect." -Luna Lovegood, Harry Potter and The Order of The Phoenix
T E L L I E
I wanted to scream at myself for being so naive. Obviously dad was never gonna come to my concert. He'd only ever gone to one, out of seven, so why would he come to this one?
I drummed my fingers against the desk miserably listening to Mrs Newman ramble on about some shit.
If I really wanted to hear a lecture, I would've just stayed home from school today.
"And that is why you do not send nudes on snapchat." Newman said bluntly with a small nod. "Now the next thing I wish to speak about is very important. And there's been some awful rumours about it going through this school."
"Probably drugs." Xavier muttered next to me.
"Not drugs, Xavier." Newman said boldly. "Self harm."
Those two words and my stomach was churning. I hadn't cut since January, but the scars were still on my wrists.
"Self harm is a very-"
I didn't want to listen to what Newman had to say about cutting. Every word she said felt like it was directed at me. But she didn't know... No one but me, Zach, Corey and One Direction (god that's terrible...) knew...
"People who self harm do it all for attention..." Jessie muttered under her breath so only Xavier and I could hear.
"No." I replied, my jaw clenching. "If it was all for attention how come you don't notice the people who wear sleeves all through summer."
Jessie stared at me in confusion, where as Xavier's eyes widened as he looked down to my arms covered by the usual long sleeve tops I wore.
Newman cleared her throat snapping me out of my thoughts. "Now, cutting is only-"
The bell rang loudly cutting Newman off and as usual everyone was up and racing to the door before you could say quidditch. I felt obliged to follow after Jessie rather than follow Xavier like I wanted to. Jessie was great, but Xavier seemed to be able to make me smile a lot more than she did. And it wasn't a fake smile. It was real, and I hadn't had that in a long time.
Jessie was already blabbing on about what colour to pain her nails when I saw Zach. He was nodding as Corey spoke to him, but I knew he wasn't listening. The way he was leaning against the wall his arms folded and eyes looking lost as ever. Then he looked to me.
Suddenly my gut filled with butterfly's, and my heart began to race. His eyes no longer looked like he was lost or somewhere far away, but like he'd found what he was looking for.
"Tellie..." Jessie muttered. "He's not worth it..."
I wanted to just scream at her. She had no idea...
"He is." I said bluntly, still staring at Zach. I could feel my cheeks burning red with every second me and Zach had eye contact.
"He isn't..." Jessie said. "Has he even tried to speak to you since youse broke up?"
"No... I was gonna talk to him next week."
"You've said that all year."
"Yeah..."
"Term ends on the fifteenth. And we both know you're not coming that day, so when are you gonna talk to him? It's March 30th you've got like fifteen days. Just talk to him now."
"Next week."
"How long are you gonna say next week? Why are you even scared to talk to him?"
"'Cause what do I do if I ask him what he thinks about me, and he says he doesn't?"
I looked down at my legs, moving them forward and backwards in the pool. The water was nearly up to knees even as I sat on the edge.
"Are you actually getting in the pool or just sitting there?" Dad asked curtly. I shrugged as he walked over to the pool putting a hand on my shoulder and sitting next to me. "Sweetie I know you're pissed at me 'cause I can't go to your concert."
"I get it..." I muttered. "Management's a load of fuc-fudge..."
I hated knowing that dad wasn't coming to my concert. The first time I actually convinced my dad to come to one of my concerts and then stupid management comes and ruins it... But I guess by now I should be used to it...
"I'd come if I could darlin'." Dad replied.
"Dad..." I mumbled. There was only one thing I really wanted to ask him-one thing I'd been dying to ask him ever since I got the part in Chicago.
"Yeah?"
"Are..." I paused, taking in a deep breath. "Are you proud of me...?"
"Of course I'm proud you."
"How come you didn't say that when I told you...?"
"Hard to explain love..."
I decided just to leave it at that. It was better than saying some cocky reply which would end up in some argument.
"Are you going to get in the water or not?" Dad asked snapping me from my thoughts. "I swear you've been sitting on the edge for an hour just staring at the water. If you're not using the pool just come inside."
I looked to my wrists. "I haven't swam in a while..."
"Show me your wrists..."
I held out my wrists, they hadn't changed in months. The scars we there but no new ones had been added. Usually I drew on the scars in pen so you can't see them that much. But no one ever took notice really.
"Two months clean." I said, a grin twitching on the corner of my lips.
"Told you therapy would work."
"You actually therapy didn't something other than make it worse?"
Dad scoffed. "How did it make it worse?"
"Try being stuck with Anita for an hour two days a week straight after each other..." I muttered resting my wrists in my lap.
"I'll pass. Now get in the pool, I actually want to see you use it before you go inside."
"Make me."
The next thing I knew I was in the pool, the cold water covering me. Why would I ever say make me?
I grabbed on to the edge of the pool hulling myself up and gasping for air.
"What the hell?" I snapped.
Dad smirked at me. "You said make me."
"...Dammit!" I hissed. I continued rummaging through the draw in the bathroom, cursing every ten seconds. I groaned as I came to the bottom of the draw.
What's the point in having a secret supply of makeup if you can't remember where you hide it?
I pulled open the next draw, going through all the face wash and other crap.
"Ugh! Where the fudge is it?" I exclaimed coming to yet again an empty bottom of the draw. By now my floor was covered in pretty much nearly all of the stuff in my bathroom. Everything I pulled out that wasn't my makeup I ended throwing over shoulder.
God where did I put it?
"Tellie what the fuck are you doing?" Dad groaned. "I'm trying to sleep and all I can hear is you throwing shot around."
"I lost something." I muttered pulling open another draw.
"And do you need it at two in the morning?"
"Yes! Today we have to go through a full dress rehearsal again and it's the last rehearsal before tonight!"
"What are you looking for?"
"Stuff..." I mumbled. I groaned as yet again there no makeup in this draw.
"Go back to bed honey." Dad murmured.
"Not until I find my makeu-stuff..."
Ooh fuck...
"This is for makeup? You don't even own makeup." Dad snapped, he still sounded tired but now just annoyed...
I bit my lip. "I do actually..."
"Darian bought you makeup didn't she?"
"Yeah, that and push up bra's. Someone had to."
"Should've known... Go back to bed."
"I can't sleep..." I admitted.
Dad sighed. "Lay down then. "
I wanted to protest, but it really wasn't worth it. I trailed out of the bathroom miserably sitting on my bed.
"Actually try and sleep please honey..." Dad muttered, while walking to the door.
"No." I said bluntly. "I can't."
"Tellie, you haven't even tried to get to sleep. Just don't go through the bathroom again... I don't wanna wake up again 'til six."
"I'm not tired."
"Not tired or nervous?"
I gulped. "A bit of both..."
"You'll do fine." Dad assured me, as he sat on mg bed.
"You probably think I'm stupid for being nervous..." I mumbled, looking down at my hands.
"Why would I think that?"
"'Cause you spend months just going on stage in front of people..."
"Darlin' what makes you think I'm not nervous when I go on stage?"
I shrugged.
"You'll do fine." Dad said kissing my forehead before getting off the bed. "Goodnight love."
"Night..."
I stared at the mirror in the change room. My eyes wide open as I applied mascara. Jessie was next to me, Hayley on her other side.
"What colour was it we needed?" Jessie asked rummaging through her makeup back.
"The vibrant red one." Hayley said as she started putting on the black eye shadow we had to wear.
"Oh fuck..." Jessie cursed. "I forgot my red. Holy fuck I'm screwed!"
"Just borrow mine." I snapped. "It's not like you haven't borrow my lip gloss every day this year."
"That's lip gloss, not lipstick-besides you never use your lip gloss."
"Yeah 'cause you still have it."
"I see your point..."
"Just use my lipstick."
"Fine."
I handed Jessie my lipstick and went back to my mascara.
"Perfect..." I muttered smiling as I stared at my appearance. We all had the same kind of outfits, short black shorts, black tank tops and a vest or something over the top. I had the ying yang and pentagram drawn on each of my wrists so my scars couldn't be seen.
"Are youse ready for this?" Hayley asked.
I shrugged. "I don't know... I keep getting this feeling I'm gonna be sick and run off stage..."
"In feeling good about it." Jessie admitted. "My mum and step dad are actually watching..."
"My future step mums watching..." I muttered while swallowing a lump in my throat.
"Why isn't your dad here?"
"He-"
"One Direction have an interview on Alan Carr." Hayley cut in. "I probably sound really stalkerish right now..."
"Not really." I replied as I put my makeup back in my bag. "It's all over the Internet. My life's pretty much on the Internet..."
"That must suck..."
"Sort of, but hey I've got over one million followers on Instagram."
"S'pose..."
"Girls! You're on next!" Mrs Corner's shrill voice came. My stomach churned as I let out a shaky breath.
This is it...
I followed Jessie and Hayley out the the side of the stage. Corey and Zach's drama skit had just ended and for god knows Corey was now dragging Zach off stage.
"I died." Zach said staring at up me as Corey came behind the curtains.
"Oh..." I muttered letting out a breath I didn't even know I was holding. It was the first words Zach had said to me in months...
"Break a leg Tommo..." Zach said getting to his feet.
"Thanks...you were... Amazeballs-I mean you know not like you've got amazing balls like amazeballs 'cause that's what people say-I'm gonna shut up now..."
"Can we talk after the show...?"
"Yeah-"
"Tells we're on." Jessie whispered. I held my breath, giving Zach a small nod before following Jessie and Hayley on.
My heart was pounding as I sat backwards on the chair set up for me. I looked out at the crowd my heart pounding. Then I smiled.
"Pop."
"Six."
"Squish."
After the Chicago skit, I had to do an I team with the school band, then some choir thing. But in the end it seemed to end quickly. I followed Jessie out of the change rooms grinning widely as I did.
Best. Show. Ever.
"Tells,"
I whipped my head around breathing in heavily as Zach stared at me.
"You said we could talk..." He muttered.
"Lets talk then..." I replied. Jessie bit her lip looking from me to Zach.
"Tellie..." She started. "I don-"
"Fuck off Kullen." Zach hissed.
I glared at him. "Thats my best friend."
"I need to talk to you in private."
Jessie gulped, but nevertheless stalked away leaving me alone with Zach.
"Zach..." I muttered.
"Tellie..."
"I..."
"I need to know what I am to you. Am I just some guy you dated when you were thirteen? Are you gonna remember my name...?"
I smiled. "Yeah, you're just some guy I dated when I was thirteen. But your also that guy who made me jump out my bedroom window. Got accused wrongly of shoplifting with. Made me sing. Messaged me over and over again. Let me cry into him when I got depression. Didn't judge me when he found out my darkest secret. Stole my E3 jumper. Sat on my driveway with me. Kissed me at midnight in front of my house... What about you? What am I to you? Some heart breaking little skank you dated at fifteen?"
"Yes. You are some heart breaking little skank I dated at fifteen." Zach grinned. "But your also, the most beautiful thirteen year old I've ever seen. The first girl who listened to me sing and didn't run. A girl who nearly got arrested by cops 'cause of me and still talked to me. The girl who jumped out her bedroom for me. The girl who made me read Romeo and Juliet. The girl who I told to kill herself yet she's standing here right now..."
I stared at Zach, I didn't know what more there was to say to him.
"I'm sorry..." Zach muttered. "I don't know what I was thinking..."
"It's okay..."
"Me, Cam and Corey are auditioning for X factor."
"Holy shit what? When? Why? Win."
Zach chuckled. "Four W's aye?"
"Four W's." I replied softly.
"What are we...?"
"Pulvis et umbra sumus..."
"We are dust and shadows..."
Zach stared at me, his eyes staring straight into mine. Before he leaned in pressing his lips to mine.
It was better than the other times we kissed. This felt like it meant something. And it was better than when Corey kissed me.
"I guess this is goodbye..." Zach muttered pulling away, but still close enough so I could feel his breath.
I blinked at tear out of my eye. "I'm thirteen..."
"And I'm fifteen..."
"Goodbye..."
Then Zach left.
(A/N
SADNESS
ZELLIE :'(
IF ANYONE COMMENTS ABOUT HOW THAT ISN'T SOMETHING A THIRTEEN YEAR OLD OR A FIFTEEN YEAR OLD WOULD SAY JULIET WAS THIRTEEN!:)
SO YEAH
OOH AND IF YOU'VE GOT ANY BAND NAME SUGGESTIONS FOR ZACH CAM AND COREY'S BAND FEEL FREE TO TELL ME :)
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