Game 43 – I want you back, Emma
It was a week after my break up with Caleb and also after the night I slept with Andy. We were both adults and we both don’t regret it. I don’t regret it, it just felt right that moment.
It wasn’t a moment of weakness. Alam ko yung ginagawa ko nun. Hindi na namin kailangan pang mag-usap ni Andy pagkagising namin dahil alam naming dalawa kung ano yung nangyari.
It happened before and just like before we both let it go. Sex with Andy was always good. The first time we did it together was the first time we met again, I was still so angry with him that time and things got out of control.
I ended things with Angelo, sex with Angelo was good but by God, sex with Andy was off the rocket. I forgave Andy for the things he had done in the past and we still had meaningless sex.
I told him that I didn’t want to get back together that time, I think he agreed because he would take anything I give him. Shiloh was two that time and I was so happy but then we just stopped our sexcapade, don’t know what happened but it just felt right to stop.
But every now and then we would have sex. So what happened last week didn’t change anything at all. I know, I have a fucked up relationship with Andy but that's how we work. We can’t get back together, we were toxic and we just end up hurting each other.
Andy accepted it, I also did.
The hospital called me today, gusto daw akong kausapin ng asawa ni Pauline. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, hindi ko nga alam kung gusto kong kausapin si Leo ngayon. Hindi ko kaya na marinig pa yung mga sasabihin niya. I didn’t want to hear him say that I’m a murderer.
I was already breaking and I couldn’t handle it.
But Lolo insisted that I go see the man, he said it would help. Help with what, I don’t know. But I guess I needed to see him too. To ask for forgiveness, I know it won’t change things, Pauline was still dead but I needed peace.
I would ask for forgiveness and I would vow to never hold a scalpel again in my whole life. That was the right thing to do, I took away something he loved and as payback, I would let him take the one thing that had always felt right in my life.
Being a doctor helped me a lot. It was like a coping mechanism. I wanted to save people to feel good about myself, that maybe if I couldn’t save Sadie before then I could actually save others for her.
But now, it seemed that it was a curse. People died in my hands. I can’t keep feeling like this.
So I went to the coffee shop where he asked me to meet him. I saw him at the table near the window, I hesitated before walking toward him. I breathed a sigh and walked toward his table.
He looked up and smiled sadly at me as he gestured me to sit across him. I sat and stared at the coffee the waitress just set down in front of us. “I’m sorry.” He started. I looked at him startled. “Hindi ko dapat sinigaw yung mga sinigaw ko nung araw na yun. Hindi ko dapat sayo sinabi yung mga yun. She admired you and she trusted you. Alam niya na mas malaki yung chances na hindi siya mabuhay, handa siya kaso hindi ako handa kaya sayo ko nabaling yung galit.”
I nodded. “I really did everything I could.”
Tumango siya at tinignan ako. “Sinabi sa akin ng mga nurse na patuloy mong sinusubukan na buhayin siya. You’re a great doctor, and I’m sorry for what I did. It was just hard because I lost her. She was everything.” Nakita kong tumulo yung luha niya at hindi ko mapigilan na tignan siya as Pauline’s husband. He really loved Pauline.
He kinda reminded me why I never wanted to fall in love, the hurt of losing someone you loved, I couldn’t take that. Leaving Andy before was hard enough, I couldn’t even stand the thought that I would lose someone I deeply loved.
“I needed to blame someone else for her death. I know it was inevitable. I just needed to let you take the blame. Because who else was I going to blame?”
I understood him. “I know. I’ve been there.” I told him. When Sadie died, I needed to blame someone and I blamed Andy. He wasn’t there when she died so I took my anger out of him.
I let my mind decide that it was his fault she died. He left us alone while he was enjoying his life. He had forgotten us and I blamed him for Sadie’s death. But it wasn’t his fault, Sadie’s heart just died out.
“I know how that feels. The need to blame someone so you could take the rage out of you, the grief.” I said. “Because if you start questioning why, then no answer would come so you just would blame it on someone than starts to question.”
He nodded. “Did someone in your life died?” he asked.
I smiled ruefully. “Yes, a friend who was like a sister to me. Her heart was weak and she just gave birth. The doctor confined her to they could keep an eye out for her. But a week later, her heart just died. It just gave up.” I told him. I felt that I needed to tell him this story, I don’t know why but I just do. “Nobody was to be blamed. But I felt angry, angry but there was no one to direct it so at first I thought, I needed to see someone who could take away the anger. I guess because he was the first person I saw after it, I just took it out on him. I hated him with full intensity. Thinking it was his fault.”
Until now I still blamed Andy for it. I know it wouldn’t change anything even if he was there instead of being at a party. But I was angry, so angry that when I saw him having fun I just saw red.
I blamed him because he wasn’t there with me while Sadie was dying. And he would remind me it was my idea that he go out and have some fun while I stay with Sadie but still I blamed him.
We fought and fought. I accused him of so many things and after a fight, we would just both walk away from each other. Then one day, I realized I was being foolish and I needed him to comfort me, I needed him by my side so I could just lean on him and cry. So I went to his house, I walked to his room, opened the door and saw him banging someone else. I would never forget the face of the girl he cheated with. She had this smug look on her face. I hated her so much.
But I hated Andy more. The anger I felt multiplied and so many thoughts drove to my mind, was he with that girl when Sadie died? My anger took the worst of me, I felt so angry, there was this hatred in me that I wanted to let out. And I did, God I did let it out and everything just fell apart.
I sometimes think I could forgive him for cheating on me because that was how much I loved him. But I couldn’t because he didn’t just cheat on me, he broke his promises to Sadie and I. I couldn’t forgive him because it hurt, I needed him and he wasn’t there, he should had tried hard to break the walls I built when Sadie died instead of jumping to the opportunity to sleep with that slut.
“Doctor Price, I’m really sorry. The hospital said you haven't been working and I felt it was my fault so please don’t. Don’t stop what you’re great at. Save more people, Pauline would want you to. I would want you to. If you couldn’t save Pauline then maybe you could save others.” Leo said.
I nodded, crying. I was such a girl, crying like that in front of him but I just couldn’t help myself. I wasn’t just crying because of what he told me but also because of the past I just remembered.
“Maraming naniniwala sayo Doctor Price. Kaya sana wag mong itigil yung ginagawa mo. Alam mo hindi kita dapat kakausapin dahil natatakot ako, pero nang nalaman ko na hindi ka nago-operate naramdaman ko na kailangan kitang kausapin at sabihin sayo na hindi mo kasalanan.”
“Thank you.”
He shook his head. “No, you don’t have to.” He stood up. “Talk to your boyfriend, he was the one who told me you needed to see me so go to him and tell him he was right and I am grateful for his help.” He said and just walked away.
I stared at the door, boyfriend? Was it Caleb? Did Caleb tell him? Why? Why would he do that?
Hindi ko alam kung anong nangyari pero namalayan ko nalang na nagdri-drive ako papunta sa opisina ni Caleb. The receptionist told me he was at his office and I didn’t wait for her to tell me I could go, I walked straight to his office.
He was there buried with those documents. He stared at me when he noticed I was just standing by the door. “Emma, anong ginagawa mo dito?” he asked.
God. I missed him so much.
“Why?” I asked him. “Why did you go to Leo? We broke up.”
He stood up, strode toward me. “Did we though?” he asked. “I never agreed.”
“You said okay.” I said softly.
He closed the door behind me, pressed me at the back of the door. “Yeah but I think, we could rule that out after all we had sex.” He pressed himself to me and I felt myself tensing.
“That’s breakup sex.”
He shook his head no. “But it was more than one, we had breakup sex then we had makeup sex afterwards.”
I looked up to his eyes, his eyes were telling me something and I didn’t know what. “Then if we didn’t break up, why didn’t you call me?” I asked, we both knew we broke up. It was the truth anyway. “So why did you talk to Leo?”
“Because I couldn’t bear it. You loved your job and I couldn't bear that you’re not doing the thing you loved most.” He answered. “I missed you, you know.”
“I missed you too.”
He traced his finger on my lips, “So are we okay? I want you back Emma. I need you in my life or I would fucking go crazy.” I laughed. “It’s true. I need you so fucking much.”
“I don’t want you to go crazy so maybe we should get back together so you won’t go crazy. I don’t think my conscience would allow me to see you crazy.” I smiled.
He beamed at me. “I love you my sweet doctor.”
And I love you too.
A/N:
as promised...
update spree... by midnight I'll posting the epilogue
watch out