"To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die"
-x-
Reid
Sleeping at 6pm and waking up at 1am became a hubby. Lagi ko kasing dinadalaw si Jayla sa bahay.. I mean, sa kwarto niya. I don't know why pero malakas kasi ang kutob ko na inaatake sya ng depression, anxiety and panic attacks pag madaling araw.
Since nagkabangga kami sa hospital at nakita ko sa mga mata nya ang lungkot at takot.. Nagkaroon kaagad ako ng strong urge to protect her, cherish her.. Make her feel special.
I saw how frail and fragile she is. She's sensitive. She always tend to overthink. She's anxious. She's sad and lonely.
Parang nakikita ko ang sarili ko sakanya. She's like human flesh of my own soul. The girl version of what's inside me.
We are the same and opposite at the same time and for some ways.
Pareho kami di pinalad sa buhay. Life is cruel for the both of us. Pareho kaming may mabigat na dinadala. Pareho kaming may malalaking problema.
But nakakalimutan namin yun pagmagkasama kami. Its like we have our own bubble, our own world. Masaya kami sa isa't-isa. Napapasaya nya ako at ganun din sya sakin. It's like our presence at each other is our own therapy. When we're togehther.. It's like we have our own piece of my mind. Even for a moment, nakakalimutan namin kung gaano ka cruel ang mundo. At kung gaano ka sakit ang manatili dito.
Isn't it funny how a cancer patient and a suicidal girl can get along together this well? I mean, we're opposite. I'm struggling to live. And she's struggling to die.
I have something that she wants, She has something that i want too. But we can't give it to each other.
It was 2am nung dumating ako sa kwarto niya. Naging hubby ko na rin siguro ang pag-akyat sa puno at pagtalon sa terrace papunta sa kwarto niya instead of entering the main door of their house at bumati sa parents nya.
Gugulatin ko pa sana sya ng bigla kong napansin na natutulog pala sya.
Lunapit ako and..
She's screaming someone's name. I don't know kung ano yun.. It sounds like Layna..Leah.. Zenna.. Ah! Naalala ko na, it was Zayna.
She's shaking and sweating. Bigla naman akong kinabahan.
"Sana ako nalang ang namatay! Sana ako nala--"
"Jayla! Jayla! " i shaked her para magising sya.
And fortunately, she did.
In my surprise, bigla nya akong niyakap ng mahigpit and she keep on mumbling words that i couldn't understand dahil sa hagulhol nya.
Seeing her like that, i felt bad. I felt like i failed. Sana kahit sa pagtulog nya nakokontrol ko ang mga panaginip nya para di sya nasasaktan ng ganito.
Pero.. Sino si Zayna? I didn't bother to asked.
I don't really like singing infront of other people dahil hindi naman ako ganun ka confident sa boses ko. Dati, sa shower. Dun.. Dun lang ako kumakanta.
But i did, for her.
At a few minutes later, thank God she calmed down.
Ramdam kong medyo nahihiya pa sya sakin. I understand her. Kahit ako ay mahihiya if someone saw how messed up i am.
I assured her na its okay, na i understand.
I saw her smile, a real one.
Tapos she asked me if ano ba daw ang paborito kong tv show, sabi ko o shopping.
Hindi ako nakatulog. Hinintay ko lang syang makatulog at tsaka tumayo ako para titigan sya magdamag.
Umupo ako sa tabi nya at pinagmasdan siyang mahimbing na natutulog. She looks so angelic.So innocent. So pure . Ang ganda nya.
I can't help but smile. I only have a few weeks left. And I'm more than willing to spend it with her .
Most of us define Forever as literally forever, Consists of million years, infinite, never ending..
But my favorite author once thought me.. There are infinite numbers between 0 and 1. There's .1 and .12 and .112 and an infinite collection of others. Of course, there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are
bigger than other infinities.
There are smaller infinities and bigger infinities. Me and Jayla may not be the largest infinity, but i will always be thanful for for our little forever. Our little infinity.
"Anak? Ang lalim nanaman ng iniisip mo" Bigla akong napatigil sa pag-iisip ng biglang pumasok si Mama sa kwarto.
Ilang araw na rin kaming halos hindi nagkikita. Lagi kasi syang busy sa trabaho. Pero okay lang. Ako naman ang nagpumilit na magtrabaho sya ulit. Natutuwa akong makita sya ng ganito. I felt happy na she's keeping herself busy.
"Good Morning Ma." i greeted her.
"Anak.. Maligo ka na at may radiation therapy ka pa" my mom said with a smile.
Another reason kung bat madaling araw na akong pumupunta kina Jayla is because whole day akong nasa hospital for my therapies.
Tumango lang ako as a response then i smiled back at her.
I noticed the bags under my mom's eyes. Alam kong napapagod at naiistress sya. I had a changed of heart. Sana hindi ko sya masyadong pinilit na magtrabaho. Baka kasi mapressure sya at ayan.. Isubsob nya na talaga ang katawan nya sa pagtatrabaho. Ang gusto ko lang naman ay maging busy sya. Ayokong binubuhos nya ang atensyon at oras na sakin. Paano nalang pagnawala ako?
Dali-dali akong naligo and nagbihis.
Pagkadating namin sa Hospital ay sinalubong agad kami ni Doctor Maxwell.
My Doctor told me politely to go out for a minute kasi pag-uusapan nila ang kalagayan ko at yung mga progress ko daw. But i insisted to stay.
I wanted to know if may mga progress ba talaga or like Mom, nagsisinungaling lang din sya sakin.
I wonder why they're lying about my condition. For the sake of my feelings ba? If yes. Why?
Hahayaan nalang nila akong mamatay na lang bigla at magulat dahil akala ko may mga progress naman.
Is it okay for them to watch me getting my hopes up?
After a moment of argument between me and my Mom and Doctor Maxwell and Mom. They both agreed to let me stay.
"May good news ako at bad news.." Nagsimula ng magsalita si Doc. "Alin ang unang gusto nyong malaman? " he asked.
I wanted to say 'the bad news' kasi atleast pagkatapos kung malaman ang bad news ay may good news naman ako nailolook forward.
"Good news Doc. Please" pero gusto ni Mama na malaman muna ang Good news. Masyado yata syang naexcite na malaman ang naging progress ko.
"The good news is.. The therapy na ginawa namin sayo is working. It cured your infection right away and it lessened the pain.. " Doctor Maxwell told us.
I looked at my mom and i saw hope in her eyes. Gusto kong pigilan muna ang Doctor na magsalita. Ayokong mawala ang kinang sa mga mata ni Mama.
But i didn't, we both have to know.
"And the bad news is.. your platelets are too low. We have to stop the therapy. "
Nakatunganga lang ako habang nakatingin sa sahig. Hindi parin masyadong nagsisink in sa utak ko ang mga narinig ko bago lang.
"Anong ibig sabihin nito Doc? Ititigil natin ang therapy? " my mom asked anxiously. Like what i expected, napalitan na ng pagkabahala ang kaninang kinang sa kanyang mga mata
"Im afraid yes. " sagot ng Doctor habang nakayuko.
"Wala na bang ibang cure Doc? Wala na bang ibang paraan? May ibang therapy pa naman syan diba?" My mom asked again. Pansin kong nanginginig ang mga kamay nya.
"Pancreatic Cancer is still inoperable and incurable." He paused and heaved a sigh. "Miracle nalang ang inaasahan natin dito. "
My heart skipped a beat.
I felt like everything went into slow motion.
Walang akong ibang narinig kundi boses ng Doctor na nagsasabing..
Miracle nalang ang inaasahan natin dito.
And my mom started to released a wave of uncontrollable sobs. Again
"Kailan doc.. Kailan? " i asked. I'm talking about the date. Kung kailan ako mamamatay.
"Sorry Reid. But i could not give you your expiration date.. that date was.. in greater hands than i am" Yun lang ang sagot nya at nagpaalam na sya na lumabas.
I didn't cry.
I didn't scream nor shout "Why?"
I just.. remained silent.
Unsure of what did i just heard.
Wala na ba talagang lunas?
Wala na ba talagang gamot?
Wala na ba talagang ibang paraan?
Am i really..
Dying?
×××××××××××××
Thank you so much for the reads, comments and votes guys. I owe you all big time. xo
Next update will be tonight. :)