December 4, 1991
- John's POV -
Freddie was gone. My husband, the love of my life, the baba to my children- gone.
We still had so much to do, he wasn't done living but his body was so tired and he needed to rest.
Maxwell, Jude, and Eddie were surprisingly strong through the whole illness and they all tried their hardest not to cry around him- it happened sometimes but they were kids and Freddie would let them cry. They were wonderful to him, they would always make sure that he was comfortable and they'd leave him alone when he wanted to be alone.
I liked to believe that we all knew what was happening during the last couple days, Freddie was getting ready to leave and he made sure that the kids knew that he loved them- he didn't talk near the end so he made up for that with lots of snuggles and kisses. Maxwell tried to act like a grownup but Jude wasn't afraid to cry whenever she felt like it, Eddie didn't really know what was happening but he was constantly needing Freddie.
When I had to tell them that Freddie passed away, Maxwell knew from my expression, Jude really didn't know what I was going to tell them, and Eddie was just playing with some toys- he was only 5 so we didn't really expect him to understand:
November 24, 1991: "You should go and tell the kids, they're in the kitchen." Phoebe nodded while he helped me change the soiled sheets.
I nodded once we had Freddie back in bed properly, I had to close his eyes because he looked so cold- peaceful so cold and dead. I slowly made my way down to the kitchen and I stopped in the doorway to watch Maxwell, Jude, and Eddie, they were making dinner for us- grilled cheese and cut up vegetables- Eddie was colouring at the table.
"Hi, daddy!" Jude hopped off of the stool and she hugged around my waist.
"Daddy!" Eddie reached up for me so I put him on my hip.
"Hi, sweetie." I smiled, weakly, and I patted her back- I wanted to scream and cry some more (I had stopped in the hallway before I went down the stairs) but I had to tell the kids before I worried about myself, I had to be there for my kids. "And hi, buddy." I chuckled while I hugged my youngest son.
"What's wrong, dad?" Maxwell asked while he turned off the sandwich press.
"We should... Maybe sitting down would be best." I motioned to the table and both of my older kids went to take a seat, Eddie was still sitting on my lap. "You three know how baba was really sick, right?" I asked and they all nodded, slowly. "Well, when you're really sick, your body gets too tired to fight anymore and it just gives up. It spent too much time fighting without winning and it's just ready to sleep." I explained. "Baba's body was fighting for a long, long time, you all know that. Anyways, baba's body got too tired to keep fighting today and it had to stop and rest because it was so tired." It was obvious that I was losing them. "Baba had to go to Heaven today. He won't be with us anymore, physically, he told me that he'd always be here in your hearts and whatnot but you won't be able to see him anymore." My voice cracked and I actually started crying- these were the moments when I needed Freddie but he couldn't help me this time.
"I didn't want baba to go to Heaven yet." Jude climbed onto my lap, next to Eddie, and she cried into my chest. "He told me that it would be a long, long time before he went to Heaven." Her body was shaking and I felt awful.
"I didn't want him to go either, sweetie, but he's feeling much better now." I sniffled into her hair then I felt a pair of arms wrap around my body- it was Maxwell. "Are you okay, buddy?" I gently rubbed his back and he shook his head against my shoulder.
"I want my baba back." I rarely saw the twelve year old cry during this whole AIDS thing but he was really bawling now.
"We aren't gonna have a baba no more?" Eddie cried but he didn't really know what was going on. "I want baba, daddy." He sniffled into my shirt and I kissed his curly, black hair.
"It's okay, it's okay, guys. We made it through when baba was sick so we can make it now, right?" I moved so all of my kids were pressed against my chest- I felt awful for having to tell them about Freddie but I couldn't just pretend that he didn't die.
"Maybe we should make some cheese biscuits." Jude suggested while she wiped her eyes.
"Why should we make cheese biscuits, sweetie?" I asked while I rubbed Maxwell's, still shaking, back.
"Because they're baba's favourite. Maybe he'll come back if we make his favourite food." She nodded, hopefully.
"It doesn't work that way, sweetie, but that's a really nice suggestion. We just have to let baba go now, we're always going to remember him but we have to let his spirit go." I whispered against her hair.
I kept the kids in the kitchen while the people came to take Freddie to get ready for the funeral- we just sat there and hugged. Phoebe and Terry came in eventually and we all just sat there- crying and trying to calm down.
It was an awful day.
The funeral was lovely, Maxwell, Jude, and Eddie sat quietly and they rarely looked up from their laps. He would've loved the service and part of me felt like he was sitting with us.
Somehow I ended up in Ibiza with Freddie's ashes, it was an important place for us and he would've wanted to rest in an important place. I walked onto the beach that we spent so much time on and I opened the lid to the urn.
Each handful of ashes was like a memory, we had been through so much together...
When we became band mates:
Early 1971: "You really like my playing?" I stood beside Freddie and he jumped a little bit.
"Darling, you mustn't pop out like that." He giggled while he tried to catch his breath. "But yes, your playing was was wonderful. How would you like to be the bassist of Queen?" Freddie asked.
When I saw Freddie naked for the first time and he told me that he loved me when he was drunk:
January 13, 1977: "John, can you help me take off my costume?" Freddie turned to face me and I couldn't breathe.
"Shouldn't you buy me a drink first?" I laughed. 'John, why are you acting like this?' I groaned to myself.
"I'll take you after we get this thing off." Freddie winked. He winked!
--
"Okay, darling, pull." He stuck his leg out and I pulled on the skintight suit. The room was getting warm from both of us working the suit off and Freddie was starting to sweat. "It's stuck." He whined.
"Just calm down, you're sweating and it's making the suit stick to your skin." I replied. A few minutes later, the suit slid off and I fell backwards. Freddie wasn't wearing anything underneath and I saw everything. "You're naked!" I quickly covered my eyes even though I didn't want to.
--
"I-I left Ma-ry be-because I love cin-cinnamon roll." Freddie muttered while he fell asleep.
'He's drunk, John. He didn't mean it.' I thought to myself. "I love you too, Freddie." I kissed the top of his head and he fell asleep.
When we both managed to man up and admit that we liked each other, we kissed for the first time, too:
August 30, 1977: "You're very beautiful." Freddie whispered. I leaned in and so did he. When we met halfway, we were kissing. We were kissing! "John, I am so sorry!" He quickly pulled away.
"It's okay, it's really okay." I touched my partially swollen lips.
"You probably think that I'm a freak." He covered his face and shook his head.
"No, no I don't think you're a freak." I took his hands off of his face and I gave them a tight squeeze. "I-I've really liked you for a long time and I didn't know how to tell you. That's why I was ignoring you." I ran my thumbs over his knuckles.
When he finally mustered up enough courage to ask me to be his boyfriend, it was also when we had sex for the first time:
November 10, 1977: "Kiss me." I said rather bluntly.
"What?" Freddie was confused because I was never this blunt.
"Kiss me, please." I repeated.
"Gladly." Freddie tossed the photos onto the bedside table then he took a spot between my legs.
--
"Where are you going?" I whimpered.
"I have to clean you up." Freddie called. "That was amazing, John. You're really good at that." He smiled when he came back to bed. "Look what you've done, you've gotten yourself all dirty." He giggled while he wiped the drying cum off of my stomach.
"Come lay with me." I patted the empty half of the bed when the older man threw the dirty cloth onto the floor. Freddie climbed onto the bed and he pulled me over so my head was on his chest. I listened to his heart, it was beating rather quickly.
"How do you feel?" Freddie whispered while he raked his fingers through my sweaty hair.
"I feel like I like you a lot more." I giggled while I ran my fingers through his damp chest hair. "And you?" I turned so I was looking at him.
"I feel like I want you to be my boyfriend."
I didn't want to throw all of the ashes into the ocean so I started walking and thinking. Eventually I walked up to the tree that we sat under whenever we came to Ibiza and I had to sit under it- one last time.
It reminded me of when he told me about Maxwell:
September 30, 1978: "Bean." Freddie whispered.
"What?" I was so confused.
"It's not a thing, it's called Bean. Chrissie named it Bean." He smiled down at his stomach.
"Oh. That's nice." I smiled. "I like this, quite a bit actually." I giggled.
When we found out that our firstborn would be a perfect little boy:
February 19, 1979: "D-do you want to open the envelope now?" I asked after I kissed the back of Freddie's head.
"Do you have it here?" He moved his body so he was facing me, I nodded. "Yeah, yeah okay, let's open it."
"Okay." I squeaked. I reached over to the bag that Freddie brought and I pulled the little white envelope out. "Are you sure you're ready?" I was so scared.
"Yes, John, I'm ready." Freddie laughed when he turned to sit across from me. "Are we opening it together?" He asked while he tucked his legs in to sit Indian style.
"You do it. You're going through all of this baby stuff and it seems difficult, you deserve it." I said while I passed him the envelope, my hands were shaking.
Freddie took a deep breath then he opened the flap, he pulled out the little paper and unfolded it. His eyes widened and his jaw dropped.
"What? What is Bean?" I reacted to the face that Freddie made. "C'mon Freddie, tell me!" I groaned when he tried to speak- I was really impatient.
"It's-it's a- Bean's a boy." Freddie finally managed to get the whole sentence out. "John-John, we're going to have a son!" He breathed out when he tapped my thigh.
"We-we're going to have a son." I repeated while I stared into the distance.
When he actually gave me my son:
June 8, 1979: "I know, baby- it's not so easy to open those little peepers is it? Oh I know, it's much too bright in here." Freddie cooed while he cupped his hand on Maxwell's forehead so it was darker for him. I just watched in fascination.
"He looks like you." I said after a few seconds. "Sounds like you too." Was added with a small laugh.
"I don't squeak." Freddie laughed. Maxwell wouldn't stop squeaking and grunting. "He has your nose and lips." He mumbled while he gently ran his fingertip over his soft face.
"He has your everything else. The hair, the eyes, and so on." I rested my head on my hands then I leaned towards the bed. "He's so chubby." I giggled.
"Oh I know." My boyfriend breathed out while he touched Maxwell's arm and leg rolls, he was very soft, very short and chubby too. "But that's alright, you're still small, yes you are." He smiled at the baby. "Oh hello there." Maxwell slowly opened his eyes then he brought his hands up to rub his face- his hands were small and wrinkly.
"He doesn't like the light." I chuckled while Maxwell continued to rub his face and stretch.
Of course not every memory was a good one, there was the time when he left us for a few years- I didn't want to remember that.
Everything seemed to get better once he came home:
April 15, 1983: "How are you feeling, Maxwell?" Freddie asked, quietly, while he sat on the closed toilet seat.
My son buried his head in my chest and he cried.
"Maxie, it's baba." I whispered. I wanted to cry with the kid, it was obvious that he didn't remember Freddie.
"Noo!" Maxwell whined into my chest. "Sick! Sick!" He warned then he threw up onto the shower floor.
"There you go, get the sick out." I encouraged while he rubbed the child's back. "Do you want to get out now? You can go to daddy and baba's room." Phoebe walked into the bathroom with a towel and Max nodded then he reached out to Phoebe- Freddie was waiting with his arms out but Maxwell went for Phoebe.
"Go wait in our bed, Maxwell will go in there then you two can have some time alone." I kissed his cheek and Freddie ran into our bedroom.
--
I quietly walked into the room and I sat on my side of the bed once Freddie was finished with his song.
"This is my baby, John. This is my baby and I don't know where I'd be without him. Please don't take Maxwell away from me, I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I couldn't see him- I know that now." Freddie quietly cried while he rocked the child.
"I'm not taking him anywhere, this is our home." I smiled when I scooted closer to him.
"He's so big now." The older man whispered while he studied the facial features of the sleeping child, he really did look like Freddie. "I want my little baby back." He mumbled while I placed gentle kisses on his bare shoulder.
"We can do it again, Freddie. If you want another baby, let's create another beautiful human. We can start over and you can see what you missed." I suggested while I slowly ran my hand over his thigh.
When I found out that we were having another baby- it was a tough day but it was a memory:
July 8, 1983: I looked into our bathroom and Freddie was brushing his teeth- he was shirtless and I could see his little bump, I was so happy but so upset.
I decided to walk into the bathroom then I hugged Freddie from behind, letting my hands linger on his stomach instead of going down to his hips. I placed gentle kisses on his bare shoulder while I looked at us in the mirror, it was like when he was pregnant with Maxwell.
"John, no more of that. Nothing against you but it's not the same as the first time. I'll come around to it eventually but as for right now, no touching my stomach." The older man moved my hands off of his bump then he wiped the toothpaste off of his face.
"Why are you being like this? You said that we could try again and we did, we tried and now we're getting another beautiful human being. Why can't you just be happy for us?" My anger was only getting worse.
"John, I'll be happy if you just leave this be. I'll take care of myself, be a good boyfriend to you, and a good father to Max." Freddie sighed while he pulled a t-shirt on.
"And the baby?" I raised an eyebrow at him. Freddie just closed his eyes and nodded.
"Yes, John. Now can we please go to sleep?" He asked- I wasn't done with this, I needed to know why he was hiding my child from me.
"For two whole months you hid my baby's existence from me! What? Did you just think that I'd never notice?!" I snapped, I didn't mean to snap but I had to. Freddie looked up from the mattress and he looked shocked.
"I was going to tell you, John! I was going to tell you when I was ready, I really was!" The older man half-yelled in reply.
"You were so fucking selfish, you know that? Keeping my child from me and you knew that I was upset, you knew that not having a baby was killing me, you're such a bitch!" I was yelling now. Freddie stood up and he grabbed a crumpled photo from his jacket pocket.
"Well you got what you fucking wanted! Am I a goddamn pawn in your stupid parenting game?! You just wanted a child and you used me like an object to fulfill your wants! If anyone was the bitch, it was you!" My boyfriend yelled while he threw the crumpled paper at me.
Freddie pushed past me and he locked himself in the bathroom. I heard him crying then I bent over to pick the crumpled paper up. I slowly smoothed it out and it was a sonogram photo- the one month sonogram photo. I walked into our closet and I found an empty photo album- it would be the new baby's photo album. I pulled the sonogram photo from today out of my pocket and I put it next to the one month photo- it was all real now and I was calmed down a little bit.
"Freddie, come to bed now." I gently knocked on the door and Freddie walked out. He crawled into bed without a word and he fell asleep, almost instantly.
When I was sure that Freddie was completely asleep, I crawled onto his side of the bed and I peeled his t-shirt back so I could see the small bump:
"Hello there, baby. I'm your daddy."
When we found out that our second baby was a girl, it wasn't a fun night but we were all elated after everything calmed down:
August 16, 1983: "How is the baby?" I held Freddie's hand and I squeezed it while I watched Maxwell interact with my boyfriend's stomach.
"She is just fine." He emphasized 'she' and I couldn't stop smiling- I made a little squealing noise and I giggled.
"How do you know the gender already?" I asked, excitedly.
"They... The Doctors had to check everything in case we needed to plan a-a funeral or something." He mumbled the end. He zoned out for a couple seconds so I waited. "I named her." He said when he was back. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to name her. We were supposed to do it together and it was supposed to be special but I was panicking and I felt better knowing that she had an identity." Freddie ran his fingers through Maxwell's hair while he fell asleep on his bump.
"It's fine. What's our daughter's name?" I bit my bottom lip when I smiled.
He sang me 'Hey Jude' after that and he told me that he loved her.
Our wedding was probably the best day of my life- it was the day that I got to call the love of my life, my husband:
September 1, 1983: I stepped off the makeshift altar and I wiped his eyes before taking Freddie's hand. We both stepped onto the altar and everyone sat down.
The priest began and I couldn't focus on anything that he was saying, the only thing that I could focus on was Freddie. Freddie's face was a light shade of pink from excitement and he was glowing from his pregnancy, it made him look so young. He was so adorable and I was so lucky to have him after all these years.
After some time, the priest stopped talking because Maxwell started talking:
"'Ebee, wanna go with daddy and baba." The child was trying to whisper but he wasn't doing too well.
"Well come here then, Maxie." Freddie laughed. The child stared at the crowd for several seconds then he decided to run over and wrap his arms around Freddie's legs- everyone started cooing at his actions.
When Maxwell decided that he wanted Freddie to hold him, he unbuttoned my jacket and he put him on his hip. When he pulled the jacket back, the shirt tightened and his bump was very visible- everyone gasped then they clapped.
"Why are they clapping, baba?" Maxwell whispered while he played with Freddie's shirt collar- I couldn't help but giggle.
"Because they all know about sissy J now and they're happy that we're getting a baby." Freddie whispered back. "You can't talk if you're up here, okay?" Maxwell nodded then everyone hushed. The priest continued and I gently squeezed Freddie's hand.
We said our vows then we said 'I do', it was a long process.
"I now pronounce you, um, husband and husband. You may kiss the... The groom." The man was obviously uncomfortable with the situation so I leaned in and I kissed my husband- hard and with tongue, lots of tongue.
Everyone stood up and cheered as we walked back up the aisle and out to the car- it was time to go home and rest for a couple hours.
During the drive home, I kept giggling and whispering 'we're married'. Phoebe met us at the house and I told him to hold Maxwell for a moment. I pulled Freddie up the porch steps then I stuck my arms out:
"Hop in." I smiled and Freddie got ready to actually hop into the house. "No! Hop into my arms, you goof." I grabbed his arm before he could actually jump through the front door- I wanted to cross the threshold.
"John, no, I'm too heavy, I'll hurt you." Freddie put his hand over his bump and I frowned.
"Shut up and let me tradition with you like a normal couple would." I argued then I literally scooped him up and carried him through the doorway.
"I hate you." He laughed when I gently set him back on the ground.
"I love you too. Now, shall we go upstairs and consummate our marriage?" I giggled while I grabbed his arm. I pulled the older man up the stairs then he shut the bedroom door behind me.
When we got into our room, Freddie took off his jacket and I copied. He sat against the headboard then I got between his legs and we started making out.
After a couple minutes of making out, Maxwell found out where we were hiding and he ran into the room. The kid hopped onto the bed and he sat on his knees while he stared at us. I quickly got off of my husband and we both stared at the staring child.
"You can keep kissin'. I don't mind." He nodded while he smiled at us.
That was an amazing day- the best day of my life.
When he finally gave me my baby girl:
March 15, 1984: "I need to wait for a contraction." Freddie breathed out. "I-I wanna feel her head." He nodded so I pulled down his hand and he blindly felt around her face and hair.
I watched as he tapped where her eyes were- they were closed so he didn't hurt her- and he reached down to touch her hair. He gasped when he felt how much hair she had.
"She feels pretty." He chuckled. "The shoulders this time?" He brought his arm back up and he looked at me.
"The shoulders this time." I nodded then Freddie pushed with a little scream- there wasn't too much screaming this time.
"The shoulders are almost out, Freddie, just keep going." The Doctor encouraged and Freddie didn't stop for a breath, his face was bright red and there were beads of sweat going from his forehead to his nose and cheeks. "Are you going to stop for a breath?" He chuckled and Freddie shook his head- he wanted her out.
"A-are her shoulders out?" He panted and Doctor Stevens nodded. "C-can I pull her out? I-I saw it in a video once and it's faster." He giggled- he really did want her out as soon as possible.
"Sure. Bring your hands down here." Doctor Stevens chuckled while the nurse undid the tie on Freddie's gown.
I watched as Freddie slowly moved his shaking hands down to his bum. Doctor Stevens hooked Freddie's fingers under Jude's arms and Freddie pulled her out like he knew what to do. He pulled her up and he put her slimy little body on his chest and that's when he actually started bawling.
Freddie was bawling but Jude wasn't.
"Wh-what's wrong with her?" Freddie panicked when the nurse started rubbing Jude's back.
"Come on, baby girl." The nurse muttered while she patted and rubbed Jude's back with the blanket.
Jude was definitely alive, she was making sputtering noises and it almost sounded like she was choking. Freddie was freaking out and he held her little foot in his hand so she would stop flailing about. After a couple seconds, Jude coughed and fluid came out of her mouth then she was screeching.
"It must have been fluid from the sac, it happens more than you'd think." Doctor Stevens chuckled, awkwardly. "We're going to give you three a few minutes then I'll come back for the placenta and they'll wrap your baby up." He nodded then he walked out of the room with the nurse- the woman told Freddie that he could feed her if he wanted to then she left.
"Well hello there, Little Miss. It's nice to finally meet you." Freddie squeaked when Jude squirmed around on his bare chest. "I think they gave us the wrong baby. I was literally a beached whale and she's the smallest thing that I've ever seen." He giggled when he looked up at me.
"She's so pretty, isn't she?" I breathed out. "Are you going to feed her?" I asked when Jude started crying again- I missed the sound of newborns crying.
"Y-yeah, I guess so." Freddie slowly moved her to his still swollen nipples and she latched on like she was starving.
"What does it feel like?" I asked when Freddie's eyes widened. He started smiling and I couldn't help but smile with him.
"Well you're going to use me like a human cow but you won't even open your eyes? That's awfully rude of you, Jude." Freddie laughed then he cupped his hand over Jude's forehead so it'd be darker for her. "She has your eyes, John. And your nose but my lips. I think she'll have your hair, too, it looks pretty light." He gasped with a huge smile.
All that I could do was nod and smile, I was lost for words.
I think a day that I didn't expect to be happy was the day that he gave me my second son- it turned out to be one of the best days of my life:
May 1, 1986: "What's going on?" I asked once I heard the term 'nuchal cord'- that didn't sound good at all.
"The uh, the umbilical cord is wrapped around the baby's neck and it's looking rather blue but we'll get it out, everything will be okay." Doctor Stevens reassured and Freddie sniffled.
"Hey, it's okay, he said that the baby is going to be okay." I wiped Freddie's cheeks with my scrubs when he started crying.
It didn't take long for loud crying to fill the room- it was our baby.
"See? The baby's okay?" I cried to Freddie and he nodded.
"The baby's okay." Freddie whispered with a huge smile.
"It's a boy, Mister Deacon." A nurse said when she gave me the baby that was wrapped in a thin nursing blanket.
"You owe me 20 pounds." Freddie giggled when I brought the baby over to him. "Oh look at you, aren't you just perfect." He cried, quietly, while he stroked the baby's damp cheek.
The nurse came back and she took the baby from me- he needed to be cleaned up and weighed. I sat back on my stool and I held Freddie's hand again.
"This'll be the longest part, putting you back together." Doctor Stevens chuckled and Freddie nodded while he wiped the tears off of his cheeks.
"He was so little." Freddie breathed out while he squeezed my hand. "And blue, his forehead was kind of blue." He giggled.
The baby was blue, his little forehead was a light shade of blue but the nurse said that it was because of the cord around his neck. It was something different, he was our little blue baby.
Of course there were so many more memories- the band memories were great but I only wanted to remember the times that Freddie and I shared together. I would always remember what we did with the band but remembering my husband was far more important.
My husband was actually wonderful with Eddie, we all were. It took some time but I grew to love the kid like he was my own- he looked like Freddie so it was like he was our own. He called me 'daddy' when he learned how to talk and I just fell in love with him all over again- like the day he was born. It was a difficult situation with him but he was my son.
Freddie didn't really want to tell the kids when he was close to dying, they all knew that he was sick but they treated it like it was just the flu- Maxwell knew what was going on because he was learning about it during school but the two younger ones were oblivious.
The kids knew that something wasn't right when they noticed the Kaposi Sarcomas on his body. They knew better than to say anything when they noticed something different on someone so they just stared- Freddie didn't pay any attention to their staring. Sometimes curiosity got the best of them and they just had to ask questions:
October 14, 1988: Freddie and I were watching a film on the couch then Maxwell, Jude, and Eddie walked into the living room. Our oldest son sat beside me and our daughter made herself comfortable in Freddie's open arms- she was always my best friend but finding out that Freddie was sick did something and she was always clinging to him. Eddie sat between us but he rested his head on Freddie's arm.
I couldn't focus on the movie with the kids there, Jude was nuzzling against Freddie's neck while she laced her fingers with his. She stopped moving her head when she felt something- it was against her forehead, I think.
"Baba, what's that?" The girl asked while she gently touched the lesion- she was only five so no one could get mad at her for asking questions.
"It's just a part of baba being sick. How about we just ignore them, okay? Maybe they'll go away if we ignore them." He moved Jude's head to his chest and she nodded.
"Does those hurt?" Jude whispered while she stared at the television- she knew that Freddie told her not to talk about it but she saw one on his hand, too, and she gently touched it before playing with Freddie's long fingers.
"Not at all." Freddie smiled then he kissed the top of her little head- I couldn't tell if he was lying or not because he wouldn't even tell me if he was hurting.
I watched him look at every inch of his body for a few nights after that and he started wearing longer shirts and pants to hide the sores from the kids.
After the incident with Jude, Freddie started wearing more jumpers and longer pants. He had open wounds on his legs and feet and he told me that those were the last things that he wanted the kids to see. He didn't want to scare them in any way so he kept a lot of secrets- he hated keeping secrets from them and lying to them about anything.
The last days seemed to be the hardest on Maxwell, Jude, and Eddie because Freddie was so ill that he couldn't respond to anything. He could hear us and he knew what was going on but he couldn't do anything. Jude was a very curious little girl and she would always ask why Freddie stopped looking at them- his eyes were glazed and he only stared straight ahead. Maxwell didn't really like to be in the room and Eddie was off doing his own thing so it was sad to watch Jude with him:
November 19, 1991: Jude quietly walked into the room and she sat on my lap so she was with Freddie and I on the bed. I watched as she gently grabbed Freddie's hand and slowly brought it to her face.
"It's Jude, baba. You look better today." She smiled against his hand- he knew that she was talking to him and we knew that he could hear her, it was barely visible but his lips turned up on the corners and it was like he was smiling. "I can go and Maxwell if you want to see him but I think he's busy." Maxwell felt uncomfortable seeing his dad in his condition so I didn't force him to come and spend time with us.
"Where are your brothers, sweetie?" I asked, quietly- I liked to have the kids in the room as much as possible, for Freddie, maybe Maxwell and Eddie would come in today.
"He had to do some homework or something and Eddie is napping." Jude muttered in reply. "Have a good sleep, baba." She whispered when Freddie slowly closed his eyes to have another nap- he napped a lot.
Freddie was weird during the last several months, he was always talking about him dying and I couldn't stand it:
August 24, 1991: Freddie and I were laying in bed, as per usual, while the kids were in the backyard. My husband had us move the bed so he could look out the window and he smiled while he watched them play.
"John, when I go, I want you to find someone else to love. Maxwell, Eddie, and Jude need another mum or dad, it'll be too hard for you to do on your own." He turned his head to face me and he held my hand.
"Quit talking like that, you're not going to die, Freddie." I muttered while I ran my finger over his wedding ring. "Remember what I said? I can't imagine myself being with anyone but you. Whenever I think about it, it's just you, you, you." I smiled.
"Sweetie, have you seen me lately? I'm dying and you're going to have to accept that, there's no way for us to stop it." He mumbled then Maxwell, Jude, and Eddie came into the room- this conversation would have to continue at a later date.
We never finished that conversation.
I think having a baby around was good for him, it made him happier:
June 1 1986: I walked to the master bedroom and I stood at the door to listen to what was going on inside:
"Daddy and I are going to go away for a while but we'll make sure that we call every night. You have to make sure that you won't grow up while I'm gone." Freddie chuckled so I peered into the room. "But you need to remember that it's for work, little man. I wouldn't be leaving you if I didn't have to." He was tapping on Eddie's nose and the baby smiled.
"What are you two talking about?" I asked when I walked into the room.
"How you and I are leaving for a little while." Freddie whispered, Eddie was starting to fall asleep so we had to be quiet. "Here, hold him." He passed me the squeaking baby when I sat on the bed and he laid back on the pillows.
"Hello there, little man." I whispered while I held him close to me- his clothes were too big which made them even cuter.
After a while, Jude and Maxwell came into our room and they snuggled into Freddie and I. It was honestly perfect and my whole life was all bunched together on one bed.
There was one thing that happened before he died, though- he said that it was the happiest day of his life (aside from the birth of our children and our wedding, I think):
September 28, 1991: Freddie's parents knew about the illness, obviously, so they came by a lot because they didn't know when he would leave.
Jer and Bomi spent the afternoon at our place and before they left, Bomi sat next to Freddie on the bed and he said the words that Freddie had waited his whole life to hear:
"I'm proud of you, Farrokh." The man whispered then he kissed Freddie's forehead.
Freddie spent the whole afternoon crying after that.
Watching my husband leave was horrifying. I knew that he had to go but I really didn't expect it to happen when Phoebe and I were changing his bedsheets. He didn't do anything but we knew that he was gone when he tried to help me with his boxers- I didn't say anything, I just continued doing what I was doing then Phoebe nodded so I could leave the room, he would take care of the rest for me. I stopped outside of our bedroom and I slid down the wall and I buried my head in my hands. All that I remember is screaming into my hands and trying to cry when no tears would come- it was literal Hell.
He was gone which meant that he was healthy now and that's all that mattered to me. I wanted him to be okay, wherever he was.
He was going to be okay and so were we, I needed to remember that the kids and I were going to be just fine.
Freddie left behind not only his legacy, but the most beautiful little gifts in the world. I'd do everything I could to give Maxwell, Jude, and Eddie fulfilling lives. It's what Freddie would've wanted.
The End.
A/N: this is the end, sadly. I would like to thank everyone that stuck around for all of this- I don't even know what to call this.
A special thank you to QueenForever34 for helping me with pretty much everything, I don't know what I would've done without your help.
Stay with me for a while longer because a new book is coming later today or tomorrow- I haven't decided yet but it'll be a fun one and I'm sure that you'll enjoy it.
Once again, thank you everyone for sticking around and staying with me for this crazy book.
Lots of love,
Rogersdrumface.
Update: the new book is up, it's called A Modern Love, go check it out!