Epilogue

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December 4, 1991

- John's POV -
Freddie was gone. My husband, the love of my life, the baba to my children- gone.

We still had so much to do, he wasn't done living but his body was so tired and he needed to rest.

Maxwell, Jude, and Eddie were surprisingly strong through the whole illness and they all tried their hardest not to cry around him- it happened sometimes but they were kids and Freddie would let them cry. They were wonderful to him, they would always make sure that he was comfortable and they'd leave him alone when he wanted to be alone.

I liked to believe that we all knew what was happening during the last couple days, Freddie was getting ready to leave and he made sure that the kids knew that he loved them- he didn't talk near the end so he made up for that with lots of snuggles and kisses. Maxwell tried to act like a grownup but Jude wasn't afraid to cry whenever she felt like it, Eddie didn't really know what was happening but he was constantly needing Freddie.

When I had to tell them that Freddie passed away, Maxwell knew from my expression, Jude really didn't know what I was going to tell them, and Eddie was just playing with some toys- he was only 5 so we didn't really expect him to understand:
November 24, 1991: "You should go and tell the kids, they're in the kitchen." Phoebe nodded while he helped me change the soiled sheets.

I nodded once we had Freddie back in bed properly, I had to close his eyes because he looked so cold- peaceful so cold and dead. I slowly made my way down to the kitchen and I stopped in the doorway to watch Maxwell, Jude, and Eddie, they were making dinner for us- grilled cheese and cut up vegetables- Eddie was colouring at the table.

"Hi, daddy!" Jude hopped off of the stool and she hugged around my waist.

"Daddy!" Eddie reached up for me so I put him on my hip.

"Hi, sweetie." I smiled, weakly, and I patted her back- I wanted to scream and cry some more (I had stopped in the hallway before I went down the stairs) but I had to tell the kids before I worried about myself, I had to be there for my kids. "And hi, buddy." I chuckled while I hugged my youngest son.

"What's wrong, dad?" Maxwell asked while he turned off the sandwich press.

"We should... Maybe sitting down would be best." I motioned to the table and both of my older kids went to take a seat, Eddie was still sitting on my lap. "You three know how baba was really sick, right?" I asked and they all nodded, slowly. "Well, when you're really sick, your body gets too tired to fight anymore and it just gives up. It spent too much time fighting without winning and it's just ready to sleep." I explained. "Baba's body was fighting for a long, long time, you all know that. Anyways, baba's body got too tired to keep fighting today and it had to stop and rest because it was so tired." It was obvious that I was losing them. "Baba had to go to Heaven today. He won't be with us anymore, physically, he told me that he'd always be here in your hearts and whatnot but you won't be able to see him anymore." My voice cracked and I actually started crying- these were the moments when I needed Freddie but he couldn't help me this time.

"I didn't want baba to go to Heaven yet." Jude climbed onto my lap, next to Eddie, and she cried into my chest. "He told me that it would be a long, long time before he went to Heaven." Her body was shaking and I felt awful.

"I didn't want him to go either, sweetie, but he's feeling much better now." I sniffled into her hair then I felt a pair of arms wrap around my body- it was Maxwell. "Are you okay, buddy?" I gently rubbed his back and he shook his head against my shoulder.

"I want my baba back." I rarely saw the twelve year old cry during this whole AIDS thing but he was really bawling now.

"We aren't gonna have a baba no more?" Eddie cried but he didn't really know what was going on. "I want baba, daddy." He sniffled into my shirt and I kissed his curly, black hair.

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