•T E L L I E•
My heart was pounding in my chest as I sat on the lounge holding tightly on to my sleeves. I had no idea what to expect. The moment I saw dad holding my blades I was frozen. There's no way he could've found them. No absolute way.
But obviously there was. Otherwise they wouldn't be on the coffee table in front of me.
"I'm waiting." Dad snapped. I didn't even know where in the room he was, all I was concentrating on were me and my blades and how to change the subject. "Cristell Jayde. Don't make me repeat myself again."
I gulped, blurting out the first thing I could.
"Y-Y-You never gave me my birthday presents..." I muttered still looking at the blades.
"Cut the crap and talk about these." Dad hissed. "I want to know what they were doing in your room, scattered all over the place and hidden underneath stuff!"
"I..."
"Are you cutting? 'Cause that is the only thing that I can think you're doing with these."
I bit my lip and stared down at my hands. This can't be happening. This just can't be happening...
"Cristell, Answer me!"
I drew my knees up to my chest and buried my head in them. This just can't be happening...
"Are you?"
I slowly looked up from my knees, tears swelling in my eyes. The answers to everything he wanted to know was under the sleeves of my sweat shirt.
"Show me your wrist." He demanded and all I did was shake my head. "Don't shake your head at me Cristell. I'm not asking you a question or anything, I'm telling you what to do. So pull up your sleeves right now." I shook my head again. "Don't make me say it again!"
Fear flooded through me, and all i could do was blink tears away, before caving. I looked at my arm, slowly pulling up my both sleeves so my scared wrist was revealed. Everything was out. Dad knew. Eleanor was going to find out. Chances are everyone would find out. It was a terrible thought. I didn't want all the sympathy or the lectures or the 'we love you' speeches. I wanted bloody razors in my wrist. The sooner this was over the sooner I could cut. I held my wrist out to him, watching as his expression changed.
"Fuck..." Dad muttered. "What were you thinking?"
That I deserved every single cut on my body.
"They could be infected, you could've cut a vein, you could've died of blood loss, you could've done god knows what to yourself" He continued. "Did you think of any of this? Did you?"
"I...I..." I stuttered but no words could come out. I couldn't tell if dad was pissed off and about to shout at me, or about to break down or something. And that scared me more than anything.
"You didn't did you?" He snapped. I hung my head, fear filling me head to toe. "What happened Tells? What could possibly convince you that this is alright?"
"I can do what I want to myself..."
"No you can't! This isn't a fucking joke! What did you just wake up one morning and decide you were going to start sawing into your wrist?"
"C-c-can I g-go up sta-airs?" I mumbled trying to hold back tears.
"No! You can't! This discussion isn't over and won't be until I say! So don't sit there crying like you want me to let you bloody watch movies or some shit! This isn't-"
I got up from the lounge stalking towards the doorway. I can't take this. Being yelled at for something I did to myself. It's pathetic. There's only one person being hurt by this; me and I enjoyed it.
"Cristell Jayde don't you dare walk out of here! Don't you dare! Get your ass back here!"
I walked through the foyer ignoring as dad shouted for me to come back. I jogged up the staircase tears streaming down my face. I bolted into my bedroom, slamming the door closed behind me.
"Tellie open the door!"
"No!"
I slid down on the floor my back against the door holding it shut.
"Open the door now!"
I blinked away tears. "Fuck you!"
"Excuse me? Want to repeat that again young lady? Open the door now Cristell!"
I wiped the tears from my eyes. "Just go away... Please."
"Tellie," He replied. "Just talk to me love."
I didn't reply. I just cried keeping my back against the door. Fuck my life.
*
12:59 am
I shined my iPod down on the ground. The house was completely dark now, not even the moonlight was shining through the windows.
I tiptoed into the lounge room shinning my iPod around the room sighing in relief when I saw my blades still on the table. My eyes were glued in the blades as I bent beside the table picking up three blades. I just needed at least one. I needed to cut my flesh and watch it bleed. I needed to and I would do anything to feel that freedom.
"Put. Them. Down."
My eyes widened as I looked to the doorway. Dad flicked the lights on and glowered at me from the wall. I'm doomed... His eyes didn't even waver away from me. His gaze was locked and I regretted ever leaving my room.
"Dad-"
"Don't even try to get out if this." He hissed. "You can't just run off to your bedroom when I'm talking to you, and then come down here at one in the morning and try to get blades. So put the blades back down."
"They're mine." I replied bluntly.
"I think you mean were."
"No-"
"Their not now. Put them down."
"But-"
"Put them back and go upstairs."
"Please." I whined. I probably looked pathetic. "You don't understand-"
"I understand that my daughters cutting her wrists for some reason and that I'm not allowing it to happen anymore." He seethed. "Put the blades back and go upstairs. Now. Unless you want to continue our little dissuasion from earlier. Which honestly Tellie I'm not in the mood for, its one in the morning and I'm tired as fuck. So just put the blades down."
I dully put the blades back on the table and got to my feet. I wanted to just grab one and bolt. Cut myself right there. Scream out my lungs and tell him he didn't understand because he didn't. But I just stood there in tears as Dad sighed.
"Tellie-"
"Please don't tell El." I muttered. "Or Zayn or that... Please daddy..."
"Love what makes you think I'm going to talk to people about it when I haven't spoken to you? Sit down Teej."
I swallowed the lump in my throat, sitting on the lounge, dad taking a seat next to me.
"Cutting isn't something you just do for fun." He said. "It's serious. It's a way of suicide and it's bad enough there are people out there who do it and I can't stand the thought of you doing it. You could've killed yourself. That's why people do it Teej." He shook his head. "And it's one in the morning baby. What are you doing? We can talk about it all more tomorrow. You're tired and crying and this is something I need to comprehend first. So can you promise me you aren't going to come back down here?"
"No..." I whispered and he sighed.
"Well at least your honest... Look just go to bed sweetie. It's been a long night. Go on."
"Don't tell El..." I repeated.
"She already knows Tellie. She found the blades... Which is something else that I'm definitely embarrassed about. But it's one and you need sleep. So go back to bed."
I gulped. "But-"
"Do I have to take you up there and make sure you can't get out of the room while I do something with these?"
"No..."
(A/N
MEH I FEEL SICK
I'VE BEEN HOME SICK TODAY WATCHING SIMPSONS
:)
SOOO
ANYWAY
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