I've been thinking a lot about my future; there's just one hitch to my beautifully laid out plan: Thomas. And I wouldn't even call him a "hitch" necessarily, just another angle into my life. See, if I can actually pull this off, in 2 years, I'll hopefully be moving to Italy for at least 2-3 years...but in 2 years I'll also be available for dating Thomas. Which is where the whole hitch/angle comes into play: Do I not pursue my goal & stay here to date & marry Thomas or do I fulfill my dream/goal & go to Italy? Meanwhile, can we date if I go or not? Does going to Italy mean giving up Thomas? Or does it mean I only go there for a year, dating long-distance & then move back to date & settle down w/ Thomas?
And throughout all this wondering, I know in the back of my head that I'll most likely lose him if I go to Italy. Not because of someone else coming between us, just because I'll be going and experiencing new things & he won't. It's hard on me because I want to grow & learn & he doesn't really. He's comfortable right where he is. And if life were great & perfect for me, I'd be the same way. But life right now is crap for me & I have to do something for ME now. And I wish Thomas would do the same. He holds himself back & I don't know exactly, but I think it's fear. He's lived his whole life being told he can't & now he believes it deep down, so he hasn't set any goals for himself. At least not long-term, as far as I know. And it royally SUCKS b/c I can see the wonderful person he is inside & I know what he's capable of achieving: everything & anything basically.
But he doesn't realize that or try to challenge it. So, yes, he bitches & complains about how people tell him he can't, he'll fail, & how it sucks, but he never challenges their accusations. For wanting to show people they're wrong about him, he sure isn't doing anything about it. And so he proves them right in the long run. Just because accepting something you don't want is the easier way or it "protects" people/someone doesn't mean you should do it! People need to learn to stand on their own two feet, that is what growing up is all about. And stunting your growth by protecting them & limiting yourself is just as bad b/c you're hurting more than one person. I want to see him truly fight & become a man & figure out what HE, THOMAS ABLANOS wants. According to HIS likes & needs, not everyone else's. I want to see him on his own two feet. I need to, actually, if I'm ever gonna' be with him. I need to know that he's capable of being brave for HIMSELF. Yeah, you can be brave/strong for someone else, but it's true strength & power to stand up for yourself & say "I'm not taking this crap anymore." Which is what I'm trying to do. I just need Thomas to do it too.
-Rane C.