shinohara drove in silence not knowing what to say, he kept awkwardly looking over at me then sighed and spoke "uh so are you coming out of your room now? or is this just to go to the store? should i call work and tell them your coming in tomorrow?"
i shrugged and stayed looking out the window.
he bit his lip then tried talking to me again "so what are we going to the store to get?" he said cheerfully.
i didnt look at him "a hat." i said flatly.
"why are we buying a hat?" he asked
i looked at him and frowned "mr.shinohara, i think im sad. what does sad feel like?"
shinohara sighed and frowned "juuzou i cant tell you what sadness feels like, you are the only one that can know if your sad. and your the only one that can make yourself not sad."
i spoke softly "how do i make it stop? my eyes.... they keep burning, and my heart keeps aching. i dont like it, i dont like to feel sad, how do i make it go away?"
shinohara shrugged "well only you know that. tell me this though, why are we going to get a hat?"
i shrugged "i dont know, i was just thinking, well....... ryu is back and she doesnt have her hat anymore, so i can get her one to replace it." as i spoke my eyes burned and i felt like they were going to burst. i havent cried at all, i cant, i just cant cry, no matter how much i want i cant.
shinohara nodded "thats a good idea, and that means you can go visit her again, i heard shes lonely because only her mom comes to visit sometimes. im sure she would like to see you."
i laughed and smiled at the ceiling "she wants too see me as much as she wants to see a stranger. she doesnt even know who i am."
shinohara parked the car and we got out. we walked into the store and to the section where they kept the hats.
i looked at them all until i found the right one, it was a plain black hat just like ryu's old one.
holding it in my hands felt odd, it was just like ryu's. it was perfect.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i walked up to the door where they held ryu, i stood in front of it holding the hat and took a deep breath. did i want to see her? will this help the sadness go away?
i put my hand on the handle and opened it...
when i walked in i saw ryu sitting on the bed in a straight jacket. she was just staring at the wall. i walked up to her and stood next to the bed in silence.
she turned her head to me and looked into my eyes. her eyes were still a dull brown. she spoke outloud, not looking away "you have red eyes, a very rare color. almost like a ghouls eyes. are you a ghoul?"
i shook my head.
she looked at the wall again "even if you arent a ghoul.... will you still kill me please? "
i frowned and Sat on the bed in front of her. she looked at me again with blank eyes "you remind me of the creature in my nightmares. why do you keep hurting me? why wont you just let me die?"
i looked down at the hat in my hands "im sorry ryu."
she shook her head "why." she closed her eyes "why does your face always appear in my nightmares, who are you? why do you keep hurting me?! why wont you just kill me?!"
i put my hand on her shoulder "calm down ryu!"
she stopped and opened her eyes "i can feel your hand." she said softly.
i quickly pulled my hand away and looked down "sorry."
"whats in your hands?" she asked.
i shrugged and lifted the hat to her head and put it on her. i smiled "i thought this would make you look more like yourself."
she stared into my eyes then spoke "this isnt my hat juzo......."