Frank didn't call Pete the next day, or the one after that, and before he even realized it, more than two weeks had passed him by without any contact between him and his best friend.
Frank didn't mean to ignore Pete for so long, and technically he wasn't given the fact that he hadn't reached out to him either, but still - Frank missed him, and no matter how furious his previous comments about Gerard had made him, Frank didn't want to throw fourteen years of friendship away over a petty fight, so he knew he had to fix this, he just wasn't sure how.
Life without Pete there as a constant pillar of support had quickly taken its toll on Frank, especially since his mother had experienced another episode during which she had mistaken Frank for his father, and without Pete's home to escape to, Frank had been left with nowhere to go.
Eventually he had made his way down to the restaurant he worked at and begged to pick up an extra shift, which they had allowed since Billie Joe had called in. Frank stayed until closing time, making his way to Brendon's pub after that, and thankfully the kind bar owner allowed him to crash on the couch in the back room for the night, which Frank was very grateful for, but it wasn't the same as spending the evening with Pete who always knew how to cheer him up after one of his mother's fits.
Frank had been tempted to reach out to Gerard instead of Brendon and Ryan, but he quickly rejected that idea, because Gerard still knew nothing of his mother's oddities, and Frank didn't want to burden the older man with his problems any more than he already had.
Gerard had been different as well since the night he had taken care of Frank and they had woken up in the same bed - not necessarily in a bad way, but it seemed as if he was constantly torn between regretting how affectionate he had been coupled with random bouts of time during which it appeared that he wanted to recreate the moments they had shared the other evening.
He had called Frank a few days after that, his intoxication made obvious by his slurred words and overly happy tone, erasing the burst of joy that had initially ensued when Frank saw that Gerard was actually reaching out to him for once, because as ecstatic as Frank was to hear from Gerard, he wished he felt the urge to do so sober, that way Frank would know that Gerard truly wanted to speak with him without the influence of alcohol clouding his brain.
Frank had agreed to come over of course when Gerard asked it of him, because he would never turn down that offer regardless of Gerard's current state, but when he arrived at Gerard's apartment, the other man had apologized profusely for dragging him out so late, stating that he had made a mistake and Frank should just go home. When Frank refused, Gerard had become sullen and silent, eventually falling asleep on the couch and leaving Frank to walk home alone, confusion and hurt festering inside of him when he contemplated the distance that had appeared between them which Frank had hoped he would never have to experience again.
Frank had been dreading school the following morning, not wanting to be trapped in a classroom with Gerard for any period of time, but much to his surprise, once the final bell had released the students from classes, Gerard had asked him to stay behind under the pretense of helping him with his homework, and even though they did focus on the confusing topic of different clefts mostly, Gerard had been uncharacteristically touchy for the entire session, using any excuse to brush his hand against Frank's, leaning into his side when Frank was stuck on a particularly hard question, even wrapping his arms around Frank in a tight embrace that lasted much longer than they typically did when he had to leave.
Frank had been even more thrown off then, not that he didn't enjoy the unexpected bouts of tender gestures - he lived for those instances in fact, but the random switches between the two were mind boggling and slightly startling. Frank was already constantly in fear of where he stood with Gerard at the moment, and now with these contrasting signals being sent his way, it was making everything worse instead of better like he had assumed it would.
It was too much all at once, Frank was exhausted and overworked and lonely, and he didn't have the motivation or the energy to fix everything that had gone wrong with his life, choosing to simply tread water instead of attempting to head for shore like he knew he would have to eventually before he could swim no longer and the ocean dragged him under.
He found himself pulling away from everyone as a sort of defensive mechanism, even Gerard, choosing to simply communicate with him through phone calls instead of begging to come over to his place every chance he got. He neglected visiting Brendon's bar after the night he had spent there as well, instead drinking at home if he even bothered with that. Alcohol hadn't been helping Frank forget as well as it used to, in fact, nothing really worked except keeping his mind as blank as possible while trying to focus on anything else besides his broken friendship and whatever the fuck he had going on with his teacher.
But Frank wasn't going to continue hiding away from everything and everyone today, even though the thought was definitely appealing, but Pete had sent him a short text not long after Frank had arrived home from school, which was the catalyst Frank had been waiting for, and now he had the motivation to force his deadened limbs into motion, bringing him closer to the metaphorical pier that was barely visible now that he had allowed himself to drift so far away from it.
"I miss you, I'm sorry"
The short line of script physically ripped Frank out of the mental bubble he had cocooned around his brain, making him regret his radio silence with his best friend, even though he wasn't entirely to blame here, but still - he hadn't put in any effort to smooth over the snag their friendship had hit, so he was as much at fault as Pete in this case, and he wasn't going to continue to act like the loss of Pete hadn't affected him at all, because it had - so fucking much, and Frank just wanted him back, no matter how he felt about Frank's relationship with Gerard.
"I miss you too, can I come over?"
Pete replied to Frank almost instantly, saving Frank from waiting by the phone and worrying himself sick, which he had already managed to do in the few scant seconds it had taken him to type out his message, so he was grateful that he wasn't given the opportunity to work himself up into a full blown panic attack.
"Please?"
That was all Frank needed to see to have him tearing out the door, placing a note for his mother on the counter who was thankfully still at work. Lately she had been refusing to vacate the house unless she absolutely had to, leaving Frank to wrack his brain for ways to get her to go to her job every morning, and he had failed once or twice over the past few weeks.
Frank was beginning to worry that she would be fired soon, because he had no idea how much sick time she had left - if any, but Frank wasn't going to dwell on that issue right now, he couldn't handle dealing with more than one thing at a time, and mending his relationship with Pete was currently his main priority.
Because they were going to fix this - they had to, any other outcome was unacceptable in Frank's mind. He needed Pete, he always had, and Frank couldn't imagine a world in which Pete wasn't his best friend or where they didn't speak on a regular basis, so Frank was going to do whatever it took to make sure the outcome of this visit was a positive one.
But as Frank drew closer to Pete's house, his optimistic outlook quickly began to dwindle into nothing, because he knew they needed to talk about what Pete had offered the last time they had spoken, no matter how much Frank would rather ignore it, but pushing it under the rug would only allow the confession to fester and grow until it became this monstrous thing that neither of them would be able to deal with.
Frank wasn't good with actually facing things like this head on though, he always ended up stumbling over his words, or saying the wrong thing, sometimes even going blank entirely, which was probably why he buried everything deep inside of himself in the hope that it would work itself out eventually without him ever having to do anything about it.
That obviously wasn't the best way of dealing with things though, especially not the fallout that had happened between him and Pete, because this new tension between them was caused by Frank in a way, it had sprung into existence because of his feelings for Gerard, and even though Frank would never apologize for that, he did need to let Pete know that he still mattered to him, and he always would, even if he and Gerard ended up together or not.
When Frank arrived at Pete's house, he was waiting for him on the front porch, his gaze cast downward at his shoes which were shifting back and forth nervously, increasing Frank's own anxiety by another notch. Using a supreme effort of will, Frank swallowed down the nerves that he hadn't felt around Pete since they were four, forcing his feet to keep moving even though they suddenly seemed to be tied down by invisible weights that caused each step to drag heavily.
"Hey," Frank spoke when Pete didn't immediately notice his close proximity, causing Pete's head to snap upward and a small smile to break out on his face.
"Frank," Pete sighed in relief, almost as if he had assumed that Frank wasn't going to show after all, not that he would ever do that to his best friend, but things were changing now, and the unshakable foundation of trust that they had built their relationship on was in danger of crumbling at any moment, which was a sensation that Frank despised with every fiber of his being, which was why he was doing his best to fill in the cracks before they became any larger.
Frank came to a halt in front of Pete, biting on his lower lip as he tried to think of something to say to clear the awkward aura in the air - anything really, but Pete saved him the trouble of replying by enveloping him in a brief hug. The familiar feeling of being encased in Pete's arms allowed Frank to relax for the first time in ages, and much to his shock and embarrassment, he found himself on the verge of tears, his eyes stinging painfully as he buried his face in Pete's shoulder.
"I'm so sorry," Pete murmured, his hold around Frank tightening briefly before he released Frank entirely, leaning back against the wall of the house while Frank quickly attempted to pull himself back together. "I never should have said what I did, I'm such an ass," Pete apologized, running his hands through his hair in agitation which had the dark strands sticking up every which way in a comical fashion.
"It's okay - I was a dick too, I don't know why I didn't call you sooner," Frank admitted, his heart lightening with every word he spoke when he realized that they might be okay again. "Things have just spiraled out of control lately, and I'm not dealing with it well, but I shouldn't have cut you out, I'm not even mad anymore."
"No - I understand, I mean, I deserved it honestly, and I'm surprised your even here now." Pete paused when Frank shivered suddenly, the cold October air affecting him since he hadn't had the foresight to grab a jacket before leaving for Pete's house. "Come on, let's go inside," Pete offered, opening up the door when Frank nodded gratefully.
Frank followed silently behind Pete as they ascended the stairs leading to his room, wrapping his arms around his stomach as he went, trying to stabilize his internal equilibrium which was still slightly off even though he and Pete seemed to be on good terms now, but they still needed to talk about Pete's confession, and Frank knew that as soon as they stopped moving, he had to bring it up before he lost the courage to do so completely.
"So..." Frank made himself speak up once Pete had seated himself on his bed, patting the spot next to him which Frank took, his spine rigid and unmoving as he perched himself on the edge of the mattress, "about what you said before - the uh, I mean, the whole dating you thing," Frank managed to stammer out, his eyes glued down at his hands so he wouldn't have to maintain eye contact with Pete, "was that just to help me out, or do you like actually want to be with me, because you know I care about you, but not romantically, and I just wanted to make sure that you weren't upset about that or whatever," Frank spit out all at once, finally raising his head so he could see if Pete had managed to decipher his mangled sentence, which it appeared he had if the deep flush staining his cheeks meant anything at all.
"Oh - that." Pete released a high pitched giggle that was laced with nerves, the harsh sound grating on Frank's ears, causing him to hunch inward on himself as if that would lessen the vibrations somehow. "I mean, I do want to be there for you any way I can, and I wasn't really thinking clearly that day, but no - I'm not secretly in love with you or anything, we're just friends, and I get that, even though I wouldn't say no to being your boyfriend, but only because we are so close you know?" Pete sighed loudly then, collapsing back against his mattress while flinging his arm over his face. "Does that make any sense? I know I shouldn't have offered, it wasn't cool of me, especially when I know that you're crazy about Gerard. I guess I just wanted you to know that you don't have to look for affection from other men all the time and I'm here if you ever need someone."
"I do know that Pete," Frank assured him, allowing his posture to unwind until he was pressed up against Pete's side. "You're my best friend, and I do love you, you know that, but our relationship is perfect the way it is. This whole thing we have going on has been so helpful to me, and it's not like I'm not attracted to you or whatever, it's just different with Gerard, and now that my birthday is coming up soon, I can't fuck up again, but you'll always be my best friend okay?"
"Yeah, course, that's all I've ever wanted." Pete smiled up at Frank, and even if his tone sounded a bit choked with what Frank guessed were suppressed emotions, Frank chalked them up to the fact that Pete had been worried that he had lost Frank forever, Frank could definitely vouch for his own overwhelming relief now that everything had fallen into place again, so it made sense. "Can we just forget this whole fight ever happened and go back to how we used to be?"
"That depends on if you have any food I can steal." Frank grinned cheekily, earning himself a loud laugh from his best friend that held none of the anxious energy from before.
"I'm pretty sure my mom's bringing subway home, I'll text her to get you something," Pete replied, pulling out his phone as Frank hummed happily at the prospect of a sandwich that contained something besides discount meat which was all he could afford half of the time. "Want to watch something until she gets here, I recorded the new episodes of Criminal Minds since I know you don't have cable."
"Oh fuck yes, I've been wanting to catch up on that show." Frank nodded eagerly, moving over slightly so Pete could begin searching for the remote.
And although Frank still had a sinking feeling in his gut that Pete wasn't being entirely honest with him about his feelings, and that he might care for Frank more than he was letting on, Frank forced himself to ignore his misgivings, because it had to be just a phase. Pete would move on eventually when he met someone else he was interested in, and he was probably just thrown off now that Frank had actually found someone he truly cared about instead of his usual string of men that he only spent one night with.
Frank would most likely have reacted in a similar fashion if Pete had announced that he had a boyfriend first, and Frank knew if he were in Pete's position, he wouldn't want to be constantly pestered about his emotions. Pete would work it out in his own time, and as long as it didn't affect their friendship any more than it already had, Frank was perfectly happy pretending that everything was fine, because it was. Pete was feeling lost and confused right now, so it wasn't unnatural for him to latch onto Frank, but once the newness of his relationship with Gerard had worn off, Frank was confident that Pete would forget about this entirely and they would be able to laugh about it further down the line.
~~~
After his success with Pete, Frank found himself oddly optimistic when faced with the prospect of school the next day, he even went so far as to wake up early and finish all of his chores, managing to get his mother functioning and on her way to work with very little effort on his end, leaving Frank relieved and with more time on his hands than he was usually granted in the mornings.
Frank decided to walk to school instead of taking the bus, enjoying the crisp air that always came with early October, his entire body feeling lighter than it had in weeks now that he and Pete were officially okay again.
They had spent the entire afternoon together watching television before his mother arrived home with dinner, and the simple act of sitting down and eating with a group of people who actually loved and cared for each other and were willing to include Frank into their lives had been a soothing balm to the invisible wounds Frank had been suffering from over the past few weeks.
Frank arrived at the front gates of the school just as they were being opened, which meant he was much earlier than he had intended on being, but the free time didn't bother him, in fact, he was grateful for the added hour he was given to prepare himself for the oncoming day since he hadn't finished all of his english reading last night given the fact that he was busy with Pete.
Frank turned his feet to what was known as the smoking area, even though students were technically forbidden from having cigarettes on them, but some of the seniors had found a small spot off to the left of the teacher parking lot where no one could see them partake in the illegal activity.
Frank hadn't spent much time there this year, mostly because he hadn't had the funds to purchase the expensive sticks lately, but Billie Joe had given him a pack the other day as thanks for unintentionally covering his shift. Apparently their manager had decided not to write him up for calling in since they hadn't been shorthanded with Frank on the staff, and Billie Joe was about two more documentations away from being fired, so Frank had taken the gift eagerly.
Spreading out on the slightly icy ground, Frank wrapped his jacket closer around himself before grabbing his lighter and igniting the end of his cigarette, taking measured drags while trying to focus on the dull book in front of him. He had heard rumors about how tedious Great Expectations was from other students, but none of their warnings had prepared him for how much he was going to dislike the novel, and if finishing it wasn't a major part of his grade, he would have burned the thing ages ago.
Barely fifteen minutes later, just when Frank was finally starting to be able to focus on the words which had been blurring before his eyes after every few sentences, the sound of a car engine shattered his peaceful solitude. Frank sat up slightly, stubbing out the end of his cigarette before moving closer to the entrance of his small hideaway, trying to make sure that whatever teacher had pulled up wouldn't wander in his direction and catch him in the act of smoking.
Frank's breath hitched in his throat when he spied a familiar vehicle, and even though Frank shouldn't have been surprised to see Gerard's dark sedan given the fact that he did work here, he hadn't been expecting the older man to be here this soon. Gerard typically showed up at the last possible minute due to his love for sleep, and his unexpected appearance had all thoughts of his english homework evaporating in a puff of smoke as Frank waited for Gerard himself to emerge from the car.
A part of Frank ached to rush out and greet Gerard, even though he knew that was a terrible idea, they were still at school after all, and no matter the hour, someone could see them, but that didn't stop the surge of longing from wrapping itself around Frank's chest so tightly he thought he might suffocate if he didn't do something to alleviate it.
After what seemed like ages to Frank but what was probably barely a minute, Gerard finally made an appearance, but Frank was no longer elated when he got a good glimpse of the older man, because fuck - he looked awful. Even with the distance separating them, Frank could tell that Gerard had been drinking; his hair was unkempt and greasy, his posture was stooped, he was visibly unsteady on his feet and Frank was pretty certain he had seen Gerard wearing that exact same outfit when he had caught sight of him in the halls yesterday.
So although Frank hadn't been planning on making his presence known to Gerard, his feet began moving without any conscience decision on his part, rushing him to Gerard's side before he could stop himself. Frank was well aware that what he was doing was dangerous, but his concern for Gerard had overridden all of his practical fears, and the only thing he cared about right now was making sure that Gerard was okay even though it was obvious that he was anything but.
"Gerard," Frank hissed once he was within earshot, his eyes darting around quickly to make sure that they were still alone, which thankfully they were.
"Frank - hey," Gerard exclaimed much too loudly, leaving Frank wincing when he heard the pronounced slur to his words coupled with the rank stench of alcohol on his breath.
Now that he was closer to Gerard, he realized that there was no way he could let Gerard into the school like this. His eyes were unfocused and bloodshot, not to mention he smelled like a bar, and even though Gerard had taught slightly inebriated before, it had never been this bad, and Frank had only caught onto it because he knew the older man so well, but Gerard wouldn't be able to hide his intoxication today.
"What do you think you're doing Gerard, hell - how did you even drive here without crashing?" Frank questioned, agitation lacing his tone, lending it a harsh sheen that had Gerard reeling with the force of it.
Frank didn't mean to be so harsh with the older man, but he couldn't help himself. Gerard was drunk - borderline wasted actually, and just the thought of him being in a wreck had Frank shaking slightly, because he could have died, or at least been seriously injured, and the fact that he didn't seem at all worried about that had Frank furious and petrified all at once.
"I - I've got work, I'm your teacher, remember Frank," Gerard explained, his body swaying slightly from side to side before he leaned back against the hood of his car heavily. "That's why we had to break up...I'm - wait, is it the weekend? No...you wouldn't be here if it was, right Frankie?"
"Shit," Frank cursed weakly, knowing that the other faculty members would be arriving at any minute now, leaving him with a very small window with which to get Gerard out of here before someone noticed his appalling state. "Get in the car okay? Just sit down, I'm going to call Mikey so he can come get you."
"No," Gerard protested vehemently, "he's going to be mad at me, please Frank?" Gerard begged, but he did allow Frank to open the door to his vehicle and guide him inside forcibly.
"He won't be upset Gerard, but you can't be here right now, and there's no way in hell I'm letting you drive home either," Frank stated sternly, digging his phone out of his pocket before dialing Mikey's number quickly.
But much to Frank's dismay, Mikey didn't pick up, and after the third attempt, Frank realized that he was going to have to get Gerard back to his apartment safely on his own, which would be an absence his mother was sure to question once she noticed it, because even if he went straight back to school after he dropped Gerard off, he would miss part of first period for sure, but still - Gerard's wellbeing was the important thing here, and Frank would do anything to help him, including skipping a class or two.
"He's not home," Gerard mumbled quietly, forcing Frank to strain his ears to pick up on his quiet words, "I can't remember where he went, but he's been out since last night."
"Okay," Frank sighed, giving up on his hope that Mikey would be able to watch Gerard once Frank got him back to his apartment, leaving that to Frank as well, because he didn't feel comfortable abandoning Gerard without some form of supervision right now. "Stay there okay," Frank ordered, quickly sprinting back toward his things which he had left in his original spot, stuffing everything into his backpack before returning to Gerard's vehicle as quickly as possible, heaving a sigh of relief when he found Gerard exactly where he had left him. "I'm going to take you to your place," Frank answered the questioning look Gerard shot him, but when Gerard still didn't move out of the driver's seat, Frank had to physically help him up, placing him in the back since Gerard didn't seem inclined to walk around to the passenger's side. "Are you going to be sick?" Frank queried when he caught sight of Gerard's unnatural pallor, not wanting to let him throw up in the parking lot which was sure to be full of witnesses within minutes, but also not liking the idea of him doing it on the upholstery.
"No," Gerard groaned miserably, his eyes watering up suddenly when Frank started to move away. "Are you mad at me too Frankie?"
"No Gerard, no one is mad at you," Frank sighed, forcing himself to get in the car and start the engine even though he wanted to take a moment to comfort the visibly distressed Gerard, but they couldn't afford another delay. "I'm just worried about you."
"I'm sorry," Gerard wailed, the choked quality to his voice alluding to tears on the way. "I was trying so hard to be good, I swear."
"Just lay down, we can talk more later." Frank tried to nail a soothing tone, and surprisingly enough, Gerard listened to him, stretching out across the seats as Frank exited the parking lot, the soft sniffles he emitted every few seconds breaking Frank's heart even though he knew Gerard was just drunk and he had worked himself into a state for no good reason.
The drive home went well relatively speaking; Gerard didn't get sick at least, and even though a few teachers had started to arrive while Frank was leaving the school, no one had witnessed Gerard or Frank's short discussion, but another problem made itself known to Frank while he waited at a red light that seemed to last for ages even though no one was coming for the opposite direction.
Gerard needed to call in sick to work, or at least Frank assumed he did given the fact that the school would have to find a substitute to teach his class, but Gerard was in no condition to have that conversation right now, so Frank now had another thing he would have to do to make sure Gerard didn't suffer any repercussions from his irresponsible actions.
But first, Frank had to get Gerard inside, which was going to be easier said than done. Gerard remained curled up in the back when Frank stopped the car, his unsteady breathing and the way that his hands clenched together roughly were the only signs that he was still conscious.
"Gerard, we're here, you gotta get up okay?"
"I don't want to go in there," Gerard whispered, his body inching as far away from Frank as it could get when Frank pulled his door open wider.
"Why not?" Frank questioned, completely confused by how emotional Gerard was being, not that it was unusual for Gerard to become overdramatic when he was drunk, but Frank didn't understand why he was so reluctant to go into his home which was a place he rarely wanted to leave at any other time.
"I told you," Gerard huffed angrily, "I'm trying to be good - I'm trying so fucking hard, but if I go in there, I won't be able to - I just...I don't want to be alone. Please don't make me do this Frank," Gerard pleaded, finally maintaining eye contact with Frank, and the pure desolation he could see in Gerard's irises physically pained him, making him want to hold Gerard close until whatever was eating away at him relinquished its hold on him, but he had to get them behind closed doors first.
"You won't be, I'm going to stay with you...if that's okay?" Frank asked, holding his hand out to Gerard in a silent invitation that he was praying Gerard would accept.
"You promise you won't leave me?" Gerard queried shakily, his gaze dancing between Frank's face and his outstretched palms numerous times as he waited for Frank's answer.
"I swear, I'm not going anywhere until Mikey comes back."
"Okay..." Gerard agreed reluctantly, lacing his fingers with Frank's before allowing Frank to tug him to his feet.
Much to Frank's relief, Gerard managed to walk up to his floor on his own, only leaning on Frank when they reached the steep set of stairs that preceded his door. Frank kept a close eye on Gerard the entire time, checking for any signs that he was going to be ill or stumble, but his color was slowly returning to his face, and even though he was still intoxicated, he didn't seem to be in as bad as shape as Frank had originally thought, but he still shouldn't have been behind the wheel, or at school for that matter.
"Gerard, do you have your phone on you?" Frank asked once they had successfully made it inside of his apartment, hoping that the older man had the number to the school saved in it or else he would have to find it another way, and he couldn't remember if he had the contact in his own list or not.
"Yeah, it's...uh - here." Gerard shifted around awkwardly for a few moments until he emerged with the device, placing it in Frank's hand before flopping down onto the couch with a soft grunt.
Frank opened the phone quickly, finding the school's number saved under work, and after a few deep breaths coupled with a mental recitation of what he was going to say, he pressed the send button with shaking fingers, hoping he could bullshit his way through this easily so he could return his entire focus to Gerard.
Frank barely waited for the secretary who answered the call to begin speaking before his mouth was moving, spitting out the cover story he had concocted stating that Gerard had a stomach virus and he wouldn't be able to come in today, claiming he was Mikey and Gerard was too sick to come to make the call himself. Much to Frank's relief, the woman bought his explanation instantly, not bothering to question him further, simply informing him to call back when Gerard knew if he would be able to make it into work tomorrow or not.
"Gerard," Frank turned to face the older man who had by this point buried his face into the cushions, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder until Gerard looked up at him groggily, "I called into work for you."
"Thanks," Gerard mumbled quietly, "I'm sorry, I was going to go in, but I guess I didn't..." Gerard's brow crinkled in confusion, and Frank realized that he was so inebriated that he didn't recall Frank bringing him home, which was a worrisome sign, but hopefully a few hours of sleep would sufficiently clear his head.
"Let's get you into bed okay?" Frank gestured to Gerard's room, earning himself a halfhearted shrug from the other man, but he did drag himself to his feet slowly, following behind Frank reluctantly the entire way.
"Why don't you change into something more comfortable while I grab you some water," Frank offered, but the second he turned in the direction of the hallway, Gerard whimpered softly, his fingers curling around Frank's wrist in a tight grip that Frank wasn't able to easily break free from. "Hey, what's wrong?" Frank whispered, his hand moving up to stroke Gerard's cheek on its own accord, and thankfully, Gerard leaned into touch instead of flinching away like Frank half expected him to.
"You said you would stay."
"And I am, but you need something to drink," Frank tried to reason with him, but when Gerard only scooted closer to Frank, he gave up on that endeavor entirely, allowing Gerard to come with him instead of wasting his energy arguing with him. "So...why did you get so drunk last night?" Frank dared to ask as they walked, because he knew that Gerard had taken to the bottle more often lately, but this was extreme, even for him, and Frank was desperate to know if something had happened to set off his binge drinking, even though he wasn't sure if he would receive a coherent answer until Gerard had sobered up a bit.
"I told you...didn't I?" Gerard shook his head in a perplexed manner, his expression looking lost and adrift as he peered down at the glass Frank had placed in his hands filled with tap water he had gotten from the kitchen sink.
"No...you just said you were trying to be good," Frank reminded him, the meaning of which was still eluding him, but if Gerard's idea of good meant getting wasted and then attempting to teach class, his priorities were obviously skewed even more than Frank had originally thought.
"I - fuck Frank," Gerard groaned, his eyes welling up with another round of tears before he ducked his head to hide his face, "I wanted to hurt myself again, so I stayed out, I didn't go home, because if I had, I would have done it - I know I would have, but I didn't want you to find out, because I know it upsets you, not to mention Mikey, and I - I don't want to do it either, but for some reason, I couldn't get it out of my head, so I went to a bar, I fucking slept in my car, I did everything I could to stay away from my blades, but now I'm back here again, and the urge is still there. Is it every going to go away Frank, will this ever stop?"
"Oh Gerard," Frank choked out, wrapping his arms around the older man's waist before pulling him against his torso gently, running his hands through his hair in the way he remembered that Gerard used to love back when he was allowed to touch him like this. "I can't say for sure, but drinking isn't a good substitute. You could have died being out on the road in that state, and if that had happened, I - I don't know what I would have done."
"I didn't mean for it to go so far...but it did - I fucked up again didn't I?" Gerard burrowed deeper into Frank's hold, and Frank could feel a few tears slip down his cheeks, the warm liquid tickling his neck before it was absorbed by the fabric of his shirt.
"No...you were trying, but you know you could have called me, I would have stayed the night with you or something if you had asked." Frank made sure to keep his tone kind and accusation free, not wanting to upset Gerard any further, but he also couldn't pretend that he condoned Gerard's methods of coping, because they were both dangerous, and Frank didn't want to lose Gerard to either of his vices.
"You don't understand Frank," Gerard hiccupped, ignoring the soothing noises Frank was making, choosing to keep speaking instead. "I wanted to call you, I want you here all the fucking time, because you do help - fuck, you help so much. I was in such a bad place before you showed up, and I know it's ridiculous to say you magically fixed everything, because you didn't - not really, but you gave me hope, you were a reason to get up in the morning and to try to be a better person, and that's what I needed. I always pretend to be strong for Mikey, but it was different with you, easier I guess...I don't know, but now I'm falling again, and I don't know how to stop myself. It's not just the fact that I don't have you anymore, it's this job, it's trying to pretend I'm fine for eight hours a day when I'm breaking to pieces inside, it's watching Mikey destroy himself when I want to be doing the same thing, and I know I can turn to you, but at the same time, seeing you is a reminder of when I was at my happiest, and somehow being faced with that prospect makes everything hurt even more."
"Gerard..." Frank didn't know what to say, because words weren't good enough, they wouldn't fix the way Gerard was feeling, they would do nothing besides fill the empty air for a few more moments, and even if Gerard was drunk, even if he wouldn't remember this tomorrow, Frank wasn't going to fill his head with empty promises, he wasn't that cruel.
"I'm sorry, I'm not making sense, and I'm trying to keep my head above water, but it's so hard. I miss you so fucking much, and I keep trying to remind myself that we only have two more weeks to wait, but each day seems like years, and even then I can't tell anyone about you, I won't be able to take you out on proper dates, and you deserve that Frank, you deserve the fucking world, and I don't think I can give that to you."
"I don't want the world," Frank sniffled quietly, his own eyes burning heavily as he clutched Gerard as tightly to him as he could, "I only want you, that's more than enough."
Gerard started again crying then, his soft sobs shaking his body as he leaned heavily against Frank. Frank tried to calm him down, allowing their entwined forms to sink to the cold tile floor as his own tears joined Gerard's, his heart aching in his chest as he attempted to provide the older man with the comfort of his touch, wishing that the simple act could erase the sorrow weighing Gerard down but knowing that his wounds were too deep to heal so quickly.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Gerard kept repeating, the statement emerging muffled and slurred more often than not, but no matter how many times Frank told Gerard that he had nothing to apologize for, Gerard would only shake his head before saying the same phrase over and over again.
And even though Frank knew that this moment would pass, and Gerard would most likely recall very little of his breakdown in the morning, Frank couldn't help but wonder if it wasn't only their relationship that was at risk of being permanently damaged, but Gerard as well.
Frank didn't care how much baggage Gerard carried with him, but seeing the older man this vulnerable scared Frank, because he wasn't whole either - not even close, and he was terrified that they wouldn't be able to hold each other together long enough for the two of them to mend, but that didn't mean that he wasn't going to try, even if he failed, he wasn't going to give up on Gerard - not now, not ever.
Hello there all you lovely people.
I know I've been gone for ages again, idk why I can't seem to keep up with anything lately but I'm doing my best. I've put this on slow updates for a bit but I am still working on it.
I finally got this down though and I actually really like this chapter so hopefully you do too.
Also I'm seeing panic! in a week and I'm not ready idk why it just hasn't sunk in yet.
I love you guys and thank you for the almost 80k reads on this story it really means a lot to me.
Chapter dedicated to iamdragon
I'm a pain in women's clothes
<3 starr