Relapse
Jennifer let Harry into the room and lied, she said she had a phone call to take but she didn’t. The truth was; she was struggling to keep it together. As she shut the door she leant against the cold wood, hiding behind her damp hair she felt the tears stream effortlessly down her tired face. She couldn’t stay in there, she caught a glimpse of Liam’s back to the window, he didn’t turn around to look at her. Jennifer saw the way he tensed when he heard her voice and the pang of hurt that rippled through her was enough to send her scurrying for the exit.
She didn’t dare meet Zayn’s eyes, not after what he’d walked in on. She stared through tears down at her phone, wishing Liam would call, she knew he wouldn’t. When she was in Niall’s room Liam said nothing, in fact she hadn’t had the chance to speak to him since Zayn walked in on them, well, fornicating in Liam’s steamy shower. She had tried to follow Liam, begged him to see reason but he was so devastated.
The guilt washed over her in sickening waves, the look on Liam’s face when he met Zayn’s eyes was enough to render her a sobbing mess at the bottom of the shower. It was in that moment, she now realised, that Jennifer knew Liam was more then a game. He wasn’t that challenged to help her get what she wanted, progress in her career.
She didn’t care about her job anymore, she didn’t care about helping Dakota with her wicked plans, all she cared about was Liam. She hated feeling so exposed and emotional, Jennifer made it a point to avoid all emotions because when things went wrong they hurt too much to deal with.
Liam had stolen her heart and Jennifer wasn’t sure if she’d ever be able to get it back, or if she wanted to. The anxiety of telling him the truth weighed so heavily on her mind that she hadn’t eaten or slept in days. Black circles surrounded her hazel eyes and her clothes were slowly beginning to loosen on her already small frame.
She could hear shouting through the door and was hesitant to run in there and wrap Liam in her small arms. Jennifer couldn’t stand it, stand another second of seeing the way his former bandmates looked at him like a stranger. She couldn’t stand the way they shouted accusations at him and blamed him for so much that was out of his control.
It was her fault, all her fault.
She buried her face in her hands and listened as they continued to shout.
A staff member walked by and paused to look at her, he looked down at her through his bright green eyes and smiled. Freckles were scattered across his wide face and he asked if she was okay. She nodded and then slowly stood up.
“Stop blaming me for everything!” Liam shouted and Jennifer let out a small sob.
She picked up her bag and began down the corridor for her room. Her phone began to ring, it was Dakota’s therapist and she ignored it. Jennifer knew she couldn’t hide much longer, the boys would talk about the photos. They were more intelligent then management gave them credit for. They would soon realise those photos were authorised to leak, then the questions would begin. She slipped into her room and dropped her bag onto the floor, a hollow noise filled the empty room. Switching on the light she rubbed her eyes willing the tears to stop, they didn’t.
She rang Dakota and sat down on one of the ornate chairs in the living room, there was a half empty bottle of warm beer on the table. Probably Liam’s, she picked it up and drank from it as she listened to the phone ring.
“Pick up, pick up,” she tapped her foot anxiously.
“What?” Dakota snapped.
“Da- Dakota are you okay?” Jennifer asked in a rush.
She sighed, “Oh god not you too, Jen, you know if I wanted to talk about ‘it’ I would.”
Jennifer drank the remnants of the beer and hurried to her handbag, she needed something to take the edge off. Her stomach couldn’t handle food no, she needed something stronger. “He’s hurting you,” Jennifer’s voice was filled with concern.
Dakota began to cry, “I can’t talk about it.”
“Do you, do you want me to meet you?” Jennifer asked.
“Would you?”
There was a pause as Jennifer thought. She needed to talk to Liam, she needed to come clean with him but the moment that thought entered her head her body stiffened and her breath caught. She pushed the idea out immediately. “Have you got anything?”
Dakota sniffed, “Everything you know he deals, that’s why I always have stuff.”
Jennifer sighed in relief.
“I thought you weren’t into drugs anymore?” Dakota asked.
Jennifer nodded as she replied, “I need something.”
“Liam?”
“Yes,” she replied in a whisper.
“Come to my apartment?”
“I’ll leave in five minutes,” Jennifer replied.
She hung up the phone and rifled through her suitcase looking for jeans and a clean top. She pulled out light denim jeans with rips in the knee’s and a camouflage, patterned tank top. She pulled it over her head and slipped into some black wedges. Grabbing her phone, wallet and keys she left her room and quickly glanced up the hallway.
Relief flooded her when she saw Liam wasn’t waiting to pounce. Maybe she’d escaped him for now, when he realised what she’d done he would be furious. Her eyes welled up just thinking about Liam ending things with her. It was a vicious scale of options, on one hand she could tell him the truth and he’d leave. On the other, he could find out the truth and he’d leave. Either way Jennifer knew she was hours, if not days away from having her heart torn out and the prospect terrified her.
Jennifer hopped out of the cab and stood on the sidewalk, shrouded in darkness as she pulled her curly hair into a messy bun. She reached Dakota’s and just as she rang the doorbell her phone began to ring, it was that damn doctor again. She rejected the call and rang the doorbell. Dakota answered, she was in sweats and an oversized t-shirt. Probably his, Jennifer though bitterly as she stepped inside.
The apartment was small, more of a loft and it smelt of incense and cigarettes. She hugged Dakota but pulled away when she winced. Stepping back she dropped her bag and with the lights now on she could see Dakota’s face. She gasped.
Dakota turned away but Jennifer grabbed her wrist and turned her back. “Babe,” she whispered in shock.
Dakota didn’t have much makeup on, what she did have on was trying to cover the heavy black bruising on her left cheek and trailing up to her eye. It was horrible to look at and Jennifer knew it would have been painful. Dakota’s bottom lip, normally plump and perfectly shining with lipgloss was broken and swollen. Her neck had hand marks and she had scratches on her shoulder. “I’m so sorry,” Jennifer whispered.
Dakota smile faintly and wiped her eyes, “don’t be, I fucked up.”
“No Dakota you can’t–“
Dakota held up her hand, “Save it, I’ve heard it all. He’ll never change, you didn’t deserve it. If you’re afraid you should get out… trust me. There’s nothing you can say that will change my fucked up relationship. I messed up, he lost his temper and beat the shit out of me. It’s always been like this, but I know…” Dakota met Jennifer’s eyes and shook her head. “It’s stupid but he loves me. He fucking loves me so much!”
“I just don’t want you to get hurt,” Jennifer said, honestly. No matter how fucked up Dakota was and how much she had meddled in everyone’s lives she was still a living, breathing, feeling human being and no one deserved to be abused.
“He loves me and for some stupid reason I love him too, I always will on some fucked up level.” Dakota turned to her kitchen and poured two glasses of wine. “Come, sit down. I have some fun planned,” she winked with a malicious smile on her face.
Jennifer saw the gleam in her eye and was suddenly nervous, she had been clean for a long time. Liam was another reason to stay clean and sober but today, after everything she needed a release. “I need to escape,” the words blurted out.
Dakota sat down and looked at her friend, she nodded. “He know’s huh?”
Jennifer took the glass of wine and shook her head, with unsteady hands she began to drink in large gulps.
“Woah, slow down princess… what are you running from?” Dakota put her hand on the glass and tilted it away from Jennifer’s greedy lips.
She slumped down next to Dakota, “I…”
“You’ve fallen in love with him, haven’t you?” Dakota smirked.
“It’s not funny,” Jennifer bit back. She drank the rest of the full glass and put it down on the coffee table pouring herself another glass. “I’m scared.”
“So you love him?”
She nodded.
“Fuck,” Dakota whistled, “That was not supposed to happen.”
“I know!” Jennifer shrieked, “It’s all so fucking messed up. I was supposed to play along, play with him to get him on your side. But then something happened and I just…” Jennifer drank some more coughing as her eyes watered. The wine was strong, it burned her throat as it slid down into her stomach. “What the fuck am I going to do?”
“I hate to break it to you,” Dakota began, lighting a cigarette she inhaled and then continued; “whatever you say to him, he’s going to hate you.”
Jennifer began to cry.
“Oh,” Dakota put down her cigarette on a crystal ashtray and pulled Jennifer into her arms, “Hey, hey” she pat Jennifer’s hair and hushed her. “It’s okay, honey, if he feels the same way I’m sure he’ll find a way to forgive you.”
“He wont.”
“Well… he’s an asshole then, he deserves to get hurt.” Dakota bitterly replied.
“I was never meant to fall in love with him. I never wanted to feel the pain of heartbreak again but somehow I’m in a bigger fucking mess then I was when I started this job.”
“Believe me, I understand, I…” she held up her hand, “Am the definition of ‘fucked up relationship.’”
Jennifer smiled, “I don’t want to hurt him.”
“You already have, sweetie,” Dakota replied. Jennifer knew the truth hurt and usually she didn’t mind hearing it from Dakota, her friend. But now, it hurt and she didn’t want to hear it. If it wasn’t for Dakota she wouldn’t be a sobbing mess, she wouldn’t be on the precipice of taking drugs and whatever else happened in the next few days.
“I’m falling into old habits,” Jennifer admitted.
Dakota pulled out a small bag of white powder and began to line it up on the glass table. She made four lines each and rolled up a hundred dollar bill. “Aren’t we all,” she said handing the note to Jennifer. “If you want it to go away for a while, here…”
Jennifer looked, wide eyed at the rolled up note and then at the cocaine. Her phone began to ring, she looked at the number and saw Liam’s name.
“Fuck!” She screamed at the top of her lungs, Dakota looked at her and then snorted line after line before rubbing her nose and wiping her watering eyes.
“You’re choice honey, forget for a while or let the hurt consume you?”