I sit here going through my old school binder from before '06 & I see why I chose Ablaa as my best friend, how much I miss a dual-parents family life, & how good I am as a writer. (No boast.) Ablaa was the only "judge" of my speech in 9th grade who agreed with my view on Christmas. [I don't celebrate it.] She & I had a lot of things in common.
I miss having a real family...that goes without saying. I SWEAR that I will never push that decision upon any children that I might happen to have. I'll suffer emotional &/or physical death before that happens, so help me God!
I remember when I was little, my parents would say, "it's happy, nappy, TIME!" as we all got ready for bed. Our other saying was "oh my gooooodness, I don't even belieeeeeve it!" It was such a loving environment until I was 7 & 8. Actually, no, it was good until 9. I miss it sooo much! I remember going to the community pool when we lived in that one complex, with Amalie &/or the Farley's &/or the Abanos' (boys) &/or Ginger &/or Fred (first BFF, neighbor kid).
And that also reminds me...how/why did I screw up something so good as my friendship with Thomas? I mean we were BEST FRIENDS when we were little. Why did I have to screw that up? I also ruined practically my closeness with Ginger. My two closest friends & what did I do? I throw them away & ditch them both simultaneously for two hormonal boys I hardly knew & a girl who turned out to be a flimsy backstabber. [Anderson boys & Amalie.] How will things ever be the same? How will either of them forgive me for being such a horrible person to them? I'll always carry that regret with me. No matter how long I live.
And the things with Neese...neither of us said "I'm sorry" to the other. I was waiting for her to say it to me & I kinda' hinted around that I was sorry, but in reality I'm pretty sure that she was the one who was jaded. But will I regret leaving her for Talia? There's no way I'm letting go of Talia and no way she's letting go of me or letting me let go of her. But in the future will Neese & I's paths cross again me regret drawing away from her? Will I help anyone? Will things in my life get better? These are the questions I wrack my brain for…
-Rane C.
[Answers: No, I don't regret leaving Neese. Our paths never cross and I don't care.]