Life. What is that?
Is it a thing, is it a creature, is it a person or is it a place?
Life is the ability to grow; to separate creatures from things. Life is the period of time when a person is alive. Life is the experience of being alive.
The quality that distinguishes a vital and functional being from a dead body. A principle or force that is considered to underlie the distinctive quality of animate beings. An organismic state characterized by capacity for metabolism, growth, reaction to stimuli, and reproduction.
Is it positive though? Is life positive or negative?
Luke had always cherished life; always seen it from a positive point of view. Everything was sunny through Luke's eyes, and now suddenly it had grown so dark he could barely see.
Sure, Luke had had his ups and downs before he met Ashton, but after meeting the older boy Luke had gotten to see another side of the world; a side he never knew existed. A side he wished never existed.
But he had himself to blame for it. It was true that Ashton approached him first, but Luke stuck to the older boy like a sticker, ignoring the fact that Ashton so desperately tried to rip him off. Luke ignored the fact that Ashton was suffering, and it resulted in Luke suffering even more.
So as Luke sat on the back porch of the old Irwin family cabin in the middle of the woods, Ashton's chest pressed against his back as silence surrounded them, it was all Luke's fault.
It was Luke's fault that they had to been kept out of Ty's house and far out of the city to be less of an distraction. To make sure the rest of the guys were less of a target as they tried to take care of this; of Drake.
Luke knew Ashton was frustrated. Ashton desperately wanted to get his own revenge and Luke knew he was holding him back from that, but he just needed to have Ashton here. Ashton was as much of an easy target as Luke at the moment.
"Stop it" Ashton spoke up sternly, making Luke's stressful thoughts disappear into a void and be replaced with hesitation.
"Stop thinking about it" Ashton said again, causing Luke to sigh and relax against Ashton's chest while the older boy's arms were wrapped around him tightly.
Luke's breath was heavy as Ashton's hand slowly moved up and down his arm to warm him up before reaching his wrist and letting the pad of his thumb brush over the line Luke had made.
"I can't wait for this fucking thing to be gone" Ashton mumbled and squeezed Luke's wrist before letting his hand travel to Luke's, intertwining their fingers.
"Either way it doesn't change what I did" Luke whispered, hearing Ashton sigh from behind him.
"Stop thinking about it" Ashton repeated, making Luke give up for now and close his eyes as he turned his head to bury his face in the crook of Ashton's neck.
"You're making it sound so easy," Luke whispered and squeezed Ashton's hand, "It's not easy. It's so difficult"
"It's not difficult, Luke. You just have to stop putting emotions in to it. You have to realize who you were dealing with, and you were dealing with fucking Ryan. He was this close to killing you, all you did was use self defense. You can't even be held by the police for that, Luke, but every single line on my wrists can send me straight to jail.
"We may have done the same thing; killing a human being to stay alive, but we're different. I did it because I was obligated to, and I still am obligated to. I did it because it's my work, it's what I do and it's how I earn my money. I did it because it doesn't pain me one bit. But you Luke, you did it out of spite. And not in a negative way, but in the most positive way there is. You saved yourself, while making sure to make it up for me"
Ashton's words were soft as they were whispered into Luke's ear, but his tone of voice was stern in a desperate attempt to make Luke understand what he said was the truth.
"So, it's not difficult, Luke. You just have to realize what you did doesn't make you less than a human. It may be a fucking traumatic time right now, but at least you're not a fucking monster like the rest of us"
Luke was quiet while hearing Ashton talk. He repeatedly squeezed Ashton's hand and brought it up to his lips, leaving sweet kisses on each of the cracked knuckles. Their injuries had been take cared of, but that still didn't make them look any less horrible.
"You're not a monster" Luke whispered gently against Ashton's hand, playing with the older boy's fingers before letting them touch his face tenderly.
"Yes I am. Just because you're a saint doesn't mean I'm becoming a better person just by being with you" Ashton whispered, his voice dark and low.
The wind was cold as it brushed past them, the forest close, creating even more darkness around them. Ashton's arms around Luke tightened, his breathing slow as he turned his head to capture Luke's lips with his own.
They kissed slowly and gently, holding onto each other for dear life. It had always been Luke and Ashton, Ashton and Luke, but it was different now. They needed each other so desperately at the moment that it was showed in every way possible.
Their touches were needy, their kisses were loving, their conversations were deep. The love they had for each other was really shown during a time like this; during a time that was making their lives so so fragile.
Luke turned around slowly, never once letting his lips leave Ashton's, and gently wrapped his arms around the older boy's neck. Ashton pulled him closer, lifting Luke up so he was sat in his lap. Their lips kept moving with each other, softly yet firmly, before Luke slowly pulled away to look at Ashton with those pretty eyes.
"How come you've stopped calling me angel?" he asked quietly, causing Ashton to furrow his eyebrows slightly. Ashton kept quiet, looking at Luke with a thoughtful expression before leaning in to kiss Luke again.
"I didn't realize I'd stopped" Ashton whispered against Luke's lips before continuing to leave small kisses on the blonde's lips down to his jaw.
"You have. You only call me Luke now" Luke breathed out and laced his fingers in Ashton's hair.
"Okay then," Ashton whispered quietly, continuing to let his lips move around to leave sweet kisses all over Luke's face.
"I'm sorry," he whispered and pressed a kiss at the corner of Luke's lips, "angel"
"You don't have to call me that anymore. It's not the same as it used to be" Luke mumbled and pressed his forehead against Ashton's.
"You don't like it anymore?"
"No, it's not that. It's just-" Luke hesitated, breathing heavily as he pulled away to look Ashton in the eyes, "Everything is so different now. It used to be so good, and now it's not"
It was blunt, it was to put it all out there without any trace of trying to hide it, but it was true. It was just that simple; things were awful at the moment, even though Luke nor Ashton wanted them to be.
"Well, that's life in its true form, get used to it" Ashton said and straightened up, unwrapping his arms around Luke and looked past the blonde to study the dark forest in front of him.
"I can't get used to it. I don't want to get used to it," Luke whispered, whining quietly as his fingers played with one of the drawstrings of Ashton's hoodie. "I just- I wish it wasn't like this. I wish I could leave but this will haunt me forever"
"Leave?" Ashton scoffed and moved his gaze so he was looking at Luke again. "What do you mean 'leave'? Is that you're way of saying you don't love me anymore? That you're done?"
Ashton was defensive, of course he was. His fists were clenched and eyebrows were furrowed in some kind of intimidating yet hurt way, causing Luke to shake his head right away.
"No, no. I love you so much, you know I do. It's just, I-I'm scared. I want to leave, I want you to do it with me, but you've told me a million times that it's impossible. I want us to leave but I know it's too late"
Ashton looked at him for a moment, his eyes roaming Luke's face as if he was searching for answers, before he breathed out a dry laugh and leaned his head back against the wall, looking up at the star-filled sky.
"You can leave when all of this is over. When Drake and those others are taken cared of, you can leave and never come back. You're only a victim in this war, not in anything else" Ashton mumbled as he searched through his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.
Luke sighed as Ashton put one between his lips and held his hand over to prevent the wind to blow out the fire, but Luke decided it would be a really dumb idea to argue about smoking right now when he and Ashton had a whole lot of other things to talk about.
"I won't do that. I won't leave without you" Luke said instead, watching Ashton breathe out a weak laugh, smoke emerging from his nostrils.
"You will have to eventually," Ashton spoke and shrugged, his finger carelessly tapping the cigarette so ashes fell down onto the porch.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Luke asked, his hands clenching around the hoodies drawstrings as he looked at Ashton with a frown.
"We won't go through life together. One way or another you'll have to go on without me. Either you'll get tired of me and my life and you'll leave; which by the way is the most sensible thing to do. Or maybe I'll die, and you'll have to move on, ending with you leaving without me" Ashton whispered and held the cigarette tightly between his finger, the smoke meeting Luke's arm.
"Or in worst case scenario; you'll die, and in that way you'll leave, ending with me being left alone without a single thing of you left"
As Ashton spoke Luke was quiet, only focusing on Ashton's words and the way Ashton's finger tapped against his leg as a reminder that this whole scene was in fact happening. It was not a dream.
"I love you, it's plain obvious for everyone in this fucking world to see, but I'm not stupid. I've seen this happen a shitload of times to know that it never ends the way you'd like it to. There's always something that comes in the way, and 99% of the time that's a bullet through your brain" Ashton finished, leaving Luke speechless for several seconds.
"What if we're a part of that 1% that makes it?" Luke finally spoke up, causing Ashton to look at him deeply before putting out the cigarette and cupped Luke's cheek gently.
"Then all we have done up until now has been worth it" Ashton whispered and Luke looked at him carefully before averting his eyes to glance as the line across Ashton's throat, made by an attempt of strangling.
"If we don't make it, won't the time we have had be worth it?" Luke whispered and carefully let his fingertips touch the line on Ashton's throat. "Because to me it is. I'll always remember you, dead or alive"
"I'll always remember you too," Ashton breathed out and took a hold of Luke's face to steers him up so their lips were teasingly brushing against each other before whispering; "Dead or alive"
"Is that a promise?" Luke whispered back, and Ashton couldn't fight back the exhausted smile that crept onto his face. But that small smile was enough to make Luke relax and smile as well.
"Yeah, it's a promise" Ashton breathed and held up a pinky finger, causing Luke to giggle quietly.
"I love you" Ashton whispered and kissed Luke's hand as their pinkies were intertwined.
"I love you too" Luke answered before his lips finally met Ashton's.
**
"What do you want to drink?" Ashton asked as he rummaged through the pantry. It wasn't a lot to cheer for in there, but it was enough to keep their stomachs content for a few days.
"Water will be fine" Luke said in a soft voice as he was seated on the counter while watching Ashton's every move. The older boy noticed it but never pointed it out.
Ashton moved around in the small kitchen easily, remembering where every glass and fork was placed around the small house, and for some unknown reason it made Luke relax and feel okay for the time being.
"I never knew you could cook" Luke said with a small smile as he watched Ashton stir around in the pot.
"It's can food, Luke. A baby would manage to do this. Probably even better than I am right now" Ashton said, making Luke roll his eyes but keep the smile on his face.
"Do you ever want kids?" Luke blurted out, making Ashton surprised by what he said. Luke didn't regret it though, it was a valid question that had been on his mind for a long time. He just finally wanted an answer to it.
Ashton looked at Luke for a few seconds, his eyebrows furrowing slightly before looking back down at the food on the stove.
"I don't know," Ashton answered and shrugged. Luke was slightly disappointed by the unclear answer.
"I probably would if shit was normal," Ashton continued and shrugged again, "I mean, if I didn't have to sleep with a gun under my pillow and I didn't kill for a living. And then there's that slight detail about me only fucking guys. Can't really make a baby that way"
"Yeah" Luke breathed out and nodded his head, knowing this was Ashton's obvious answer to the question, but Luke always hoped for another answer. A more hopeful answer.
"You'll get your own family one day, Luke. One where you don't have to glance over your shoulder every second to make sure no one's after you while you're out playing hide-and-seek with your child" Ashton said without looking up from the food.
"Stop speaking like I won't have a future with you" Luke spoke up, making Ashton glance at him and sigh.
"Luke, you know fully well that-"
"No. You pinky promised me before" Luke interrupted him, causing Ashton to sigh again.
"That wasn't about us having a future, it was about me always remembering you. Dead or alive" Ashton said and gave Luke a look before turning off the stove and moved the pot away from the hotplate.
"Okay," Luke said and hopped off the counter to walk over to Ashton with his pinky outstretched for Ashton to take. "Pinky promise me now that we'll have a future together"
"You can't pinky promise spending a lifetime together" Ashton spoke matter-of-factly, and Luke was starting to grow frustrated now. He wanted to start whining like a small child, but he knew he'd never win that way.
"Why?" he asked instead, his voice still a bit of a whine, but it was alright.
"Luke- angel," Ashton said and Luke felt his heart warm up slightly, "What you're asking for is a proposal. I'm not gonna seal a proposal with a fucking pinky promise"
Luke widened his eyes slightly, his cheeks showing off a slight blush as he shook his head gently and placed a hand on Ashton's chest.
"I'm not asking for a proposal, Ashton. I'm 16, I'm far too young," Luke said and bit his lip when watching Ashton's eyes study him intensely before letting his eyes travel down to Ashton's chest and keep them there to hold back a deeper blush spreading on his face.
"I'm just saying that it would be assuring, like a safety line, to have you saying you believe in us. I just want a promise that, you know, you'd want a kid with me if things were to get better?"
Luke could feel Ashton's eyes on him still and it was nerve racking to have outed so many of his thoughts to someone who is so closed-in. Luke knew Ashton had a lot on his mind and heart, but the older boy rarely shared them. That was only if Luke forced them out of him.
"Alright," Ashton suddenly spoke up and stepped away, making Luke look up to watch him with furrowed eyebrows.
Ashton moved to the pantry again and came back with what looked like an old bottle of champagne. He placed the bottle down on the counter and effortlessly screwed off the wires put over the cork. He angled the bottle away and Luke jumped as the cork flew up at the ceiling, leaving the bottle with a popping sound.
Ashton put away the bottle carelessly, not having a drink like Luke had assumed, and instead turned back to the wire on the counter. He got out a kitchen knife and cut the parts apart, leaving him to easily braid the spun wires together, creating a crooked circle.
"I won't fucking seal a promise of forever with a damn pinky promise" Ashton mumbled and did a few more attachments to the ring made of the cork wires before threading it on Luke's ring finger.
"It's not an engagement, and it's not a 10 carats diamond, but it's at least a ring; a promise. It will last longer than a promise made out of our fingers hooked together" Ashton added and looked at the wires that were wrapped around Luke's slim finger.
It wasn't a beautiful ring- if you could even call it that- but it was all Luke ever needed to feel certain about what he wanted; and that was Ashton. It had always been Ashton, and he was so sure now that he never wanted to make the older boy to disappear.
Luke was certain that after all the things he had done, it had been worth it. It would always be worth it in the end, if he had Ashton by his side. Dead or alive.
Luke studied the ring without saying anything, before looking up at Ashton and wrapping his arms around the older boy's neck and jumped. Ashton was quick to take a hold of Luke's thighs as he wrapped his legs around Ashton's waist and hugged him tightly.
Ashton held Luke up at the back of his thigh with one hand as his other arm was wrapped around Luke so he could embrace the younger boy back.
They stood like that for a while, holding each other like their lives depended on it, before Luke moved his face away from the crook of Ashton's neck to press his lips against his. The kiss grew hot and deep in seconds, Luke let his hands end up in Ashton's hair and tugged every so carefully as Ashton squeezed Luke's thighs with his warm hands.
Ashton started walking without any problem, guiding himself and Luke over to the bedroom without breaking their lips apart. He stumbled over things thrown carelessly on the ground but reached the bedroom safely, slowly lowering down on the bed, Luke first, Ashton hovering over him.
It was easy yet loving the way they undressed each clothing item from their bodies. It was not scary to be left without anything separating them, and it made Luke feel a lot more safe than only hours before.
Their bodies moved with each other, the duvet covering them up as they let skin meet skin, never once letting their lips separate. They were breathing heavily, throats vibrating because of the low moans being released, as Ashton guided Luke's legs to wrap around his waist again.
Preparation had never been Luke's favorite thing, but this time when Ashton reached for Luke's hand that carried the cork wire ring and held it in his tightly, all Luke could think about was that, and how unbelievably good Ashton could be to him while the rest of his world was falling apart.
A weak whiny moan found its way past Luke's lips, indicating that he was more than ready for Ashton. The older boy didn't hesitate as he kissed Luke with all he had, biting down on the younger boy's pink bottom lip as he entered him with a low grunt.
It was simple, it was sweet; it was love. It was love in its true form, when it's shown between two people who are struggling to keep themselves in one piece, but as two they're suddenly glued together as if nothing had ever broken them in the first place.
It was Luke and Ashton, Ashton and Luke, and it was automatically love. It didn't matter that it was a pure suicidal choice to stay together; it was still love.
Strong, thick minded, annoying, dangerous, unforgettable, beautiful love.
So maybe life was still a mystery for Luke, but not love. Love was Ashton. Everything with love was Ashton, simple as that.
Hands intertwined together, chest pressed together, hearts beating, hips moving, lips connected, moans released; it was love, and it was all thanks to Ashton.
"I love you" Luke breathed out heavily, his body nearly shaking at the amazing pleasure he felt. He wanted to feel even better, he wanted to reach the end, but he also wanted this feeling to last forever.
"I love you too" Ashton answered in an equally breathless voice, his lips continuing their journey down Luke's neck as he kept thrusting forward, earning those pretty moans from Luke that he loved.
It was sweet throughout the whole act, both boys quite aware of the fact that they could die any day now, so they better show the other one just how much they feel and care.
Life was unpredictable; you could live one day and die the next. It was like that for every single creature living on this planet, everyone was aware of it, but it was rare people actually let it run their minds like clockwork.
But both Ashton and Luke had been so close to death so many times now that it never left their minds, so they made sure every second together was worth it.
But even though death could be miles away or just behind the corner, Luke was still a strong believer of what could be in the future; what Ashton had promised him only moments before.
"Forever, right?" Luke whispered as his head was resting on Ashton's chest. Everything around them was quiet, only their heavy- and still slightly exhausted- breaths were heard in the empty cabin.
"Forever" Ashton whispered back while letting his thumb caress the 'ring' wrapped around Luke's finger. It was all the assurance Luke needed before he drifted to sleep, his hands still holding onto Ashton to make sure he was not taken away from him again.
Ashton did not fall asleep even though he felt so so tired. His arms were wrapped around Luke as he studied the younger boy carefully, breathing out puffs of air when watching the beauty in his arms.
It may had gone seconds, minutes or hours when Ashton's phone rang and interrupted him from his silent praising of the blonde beauty. Ashton sighed and gently tangled his arm away from Luke to answer the phone after making sure to check the caller ID.
"Hey" he mumbled quietly, still keeping his eyes on Luke to make sure he didn't wake up the younger boy up.
"I need to tell you something" Michael spoke from the other line, his voice in a hushed whisper, yet his tone impatient and rushed.
"Why are you whispering?" Ashton mumbled again, sitting up a bit when waiting for Michael's reply.
"I'm not in trouble, if that's what you're thinking. I just need to tell you something and you're not supposed to know this, but I'm having a real fucking hard time keeping this away from you" Michael answered and Ashton relaxed for the time being.
"What is it?" he asked quietly, slowly reaching his hand up to comb his fingers through Luke's hair.
"Okay, so you know how Ryan's a big fucking deal. He's a leader, the heir after Dami and you know what a fucking big deal he was. Ty was smart when he decided to not get a revenge for your father's death-"
"Why are you bringing this up? Cut to the chase" Ashton said, interrupting a rambling Michael with a stern voice.
Ashton could hear Michael sigh from the other line, but it was more of an anxious sigh than an irritated one.
"Everyone knows Ryan's dead, and with that I mean everyone. The Kings originally put a price on all of our heads for that. You know, to make sure all of us were dead so they'd get their revenge, but they ended the deal when figuring out who killed Ryan"
It was quiet after that, Ashton not knowing what to say as he was left with a huge blank space to fill, and Michael hesitating to fill it up for him.
"Speak, Mike" Ashton snapped quietly. His voice only a whisper but his tone as sharp as knifes.
Michael sighed again, Ashton heard it, and he could almost see Michael in front of him, running his hands through his hair while trying to keep himself calm and collected. By the way Ashton could hear Michael's breath picking up its pace, he knew it wasn't working.
"They want revenge on Ryan's murderer, and there's only one person who killed Ryan, Ash. And now there's only one head, one kill, that will give you a million dollar price- a price every fucking group in this city wants- and that price is sat on Luke"
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