Gerard didn't know what he was doing, or where he was going, but his destination didn't really matter right now as long as he got away: away from that school, away from Frank, away from the horror welling up inside of him every time he allowed his brain to make the connection that his boyfriend was in fact his student, that his boyfriend was seventeen, that their relationship was illegal - fuck, how could Gerard have been so stupid?
Gerard hadn't known how to react when Frank had finally admitted the truth to him, so he had fled, he had dismissed Frank as if he meant nothing to him before escaping into the safety of his car where he could release his emotions in peace, but he had found the parking lot to be surprisingly crowded, so Gerard had coaxed the engine into life before driving around aimlessly, sending Mikey a quick text telling him not to expect him home for a bit while he was stuck at a red light.
Gerard had originally intended to secrete himself in the forest, to his spot that had always been there for him when he needed to hide away from the outside world and all the horrors it held, but Gerard couldn't do that anymore, not now that he had shared that beautiful night there with Frank, because even if their relationship was ruined, that moment would never be tarnished, and Gerard refused to stain it with his presence while he was in this state.
Now Gerard was sufficiently lost in a city that he had once known like the back of his hand, but the years away had erased the familiarity these buildings one held to him, and Gerard wished it would stay that way, because this placed seemed to bring him nothing but pain time and time again, no matter how many fresh starts he made for himself, so maybe this was the world's way of telling him that there was nothing in Jersey for him besides heartbreak, and Gerard needed to take the fucking hint and get out before it was too late, but he didn't know where else to go.
Gerard cursed under his breath as a truck swerved dangerously close to his vehicle, or maybe Gerard had drifted too far into their lane, he honestly couldn't tell, the tears blurring his vision were making the task of keeping his eyes on the road almost impossible, so despite the part of Gerard that wanted to run, that needed to keep moving before all of the terrible events of this afternoon caught up with him, Gerard forced himself to pull over near a small park, his wheels haphazardly sprawled in-between two spaces, but Gerard didn't care enough to fix his sloppy job, and no one else was around to complain about the excess area his vehicle was taking up.
Breathing deeply through his nose in an attempt to calm himself, Gerard tried to get his tear ducts under control so he could figure out what the fuck to do now that he knew Frank's age, but the supposedly calming motion seemed to have the opposite effect on him, and before Gerard could stop it, a tortured wail was tearing its way out of his throat, the pitiful sound reverberating loudly in the enclosed space.
Gerard couldn't stop crying now that he had started, fuck - this was the second time in just as many days that he had allowed his emotions to break through the supposedly impenetrable walls that he had built around his heart, but Frank had been tearing them down ever since that first night that he had come into Gerard's life, and now Gerard was left weakened and defenseless as an intense outpouring of sorrow crashed over him, the never ending waves battering his tired body as he gave up fighting against it, letting the hot tears spill down his face freely, any attempt to wipe them away would be pointless, so Gerard didn't bother, although the salt was stinging his skin, and his cheeks were becoming uncomfortably sticky and stained with every passing moment.
And despite everything, Gerard wanted Frank there with him, he needed to hear Frank's soothing voice, to lose himself in Frank's touch, to find comfort in his presence, because Frank was one of the few people that Gerard could trust when he got like this, he knew exactly what to do, what to say, and also what not to do, but that was all ruined now, because Frank had shattered the bond they had with his stupid lie, but fuck - Gerard would give anything to turn back time to the days when he had no idea that Frank was underage.
Gerard should have caught on to this before, he had been suspicious when Frank had claimed he was originally twenty-one, but his second admission had seemed to be truthful, or maybe that was just what Gerard wanted to believe, but still - Frank didn't look seventeen, or act like it, in fact, he seemed older than Gerard half of the time, something about his countenance lending him an air of age that far surprised the years he had lived.
And honestly, as fucked up as it sounded, Gerard didn't feel that much guilt over the fact that he had slept with a seventeen year old boy, because despite what the law said, Frank was obviously consenting, and hopefully his birthday would be coming up soon, which would erase the illegal aspect of their relationship, but adding his age to the fact that Gerard was his teacher made everything so much worse, because this could ruin Frank's life, not to mention Gerard's, and the only way to protect them both was for Gerard to cut Frank out of his heart before anyone discovered their illicit tryst.
But fuck - Gerard didn't want to do that, Gerard didn't know if he could physically ignore Frank for the rest of the year without shattering completely, but he had to if he wanted to keep his job, his sanity, his freedom, but ironically enough, Frank was the glue that had been holding Gerard together over these past few weeks, and if he was removed from the fragile structure that was Gerard's mental state, he might self-destruct either way, so no matter what Gerard did, he was almost guaranteed to break apart in the end.
Gerard whimpered softly as reality sunk in, and alongside the bottomless well of despair that continued to renew itself in the form of Gerard's soft cries was a steadily growing pit of anger, because if Frank had just fucking told Gerard about his age from day one, none of this would have happened; Gerard wouldn't have gotten so attached, and even if he had, they could have worked something out beforehand, they could have prepared for this, but no - Frank had lied, he had blatantly deceived Gerard just like everyone else in his life, and fuck - that hurt worse than anything else so far, even more than the thought of losing Frank forever.
And now that Gerard's mind had latched onto Frank's deception, labeling it the root of his problems, the thought began to twist in a dangerous direction, causing Gerard to wonder if that was all that Frank had lied about, or if their entire relationship had been one shaded truth after another, and if Frank had even cared at all; maybe he had been faking everything, pretending to have feelings for Gerard just so he could rip him apart in the end - just like Colton, just like everyone else Gerard had let into his heart, their seemingly good intentions always fooling him until everything blew up in his face, and fuck - Gerard couldn't stop over-analyzing every moment he and Frank had spent in each other's company, seeing their short time together in a new light now that he knew that Frank wasn't this perfect being he had envisioned him as.
Frank had always seemed genuine of course, and Gerard had believed him explicitly before today, he had completely surrendered to him actually, which was a stupid fucking decision on his part, but it was too late to take his actions back, and he was paying for his naivety, the agony in his chest cavity was making sure of that.
Gerard was almost tempted to call Frank, to demand the truth from the boy who Gerard had never once doubted before this afternoon, but now that the seeds of distrust had been planted, they were growing rapidly, the vicious weeds choking Gerard, heavy tendrils formed of suspicion wrapping around his throat as countless possibilities sprouted to life in his brain, his efforts at blocking them out proving futile as memories started to flash behind his closed eyelids without his consent.
Frank had seemed so interested in Gerard, but now that Gerard allowed himself to reflect on the past, he had originally been at a bar only hours before arriving at Gerard's place, with Mikey, which meant he was probably looking for a man to spend the night with, because someone who was intending to go out for a quick drink wouldn't escort a stranger home on a whim, and when Mikey had incapacitated himself with drugs, Frank had simply latched on to the only other person in the nearby vicinity, which had just happened to be Gerard, and Gerard had fallen for his fuck me eyes and needy countenance, because Frank had made Gerard feel important, he had made Gerard feel wanted, but what if that was all a carefully constructed act that Frank turned on for any guy that looked at him twice.
And then Frank had left, he had tried to sneak out of Gerard's house at some ungodly hour of the morning, claiming that he had to be at his mother's, but what if that was just another lie, what if Frank had been hurrying home to a different man, a boyfriend even, or maybe he had just wanted to leave Gerard once he had gotten what he wanted from him, not that Gerard blamed him, but still - the very realistic possibility that Gerard had meant next to nothing to Frank was ripping him apart, shredding his internal organs within a metaphorical blender that had no off switch, at least not one that Gerard could locate.
But then Frank had returned, he had shown up at Gerard's door a few hours later on the verge of tears, but adding to the pile of questions in Gerard's head was the why behind Frank's sudden reappearance; Frank had never explained himself, and Gerard hadn't pressed him, because he of all people knew how revealing it was to allow the thoughts in his head to pass his lips in the form of words, because saying it aloud made everything that much more real, that much more painful, and Gerard had related to Frank, he had assumed that he felt the same way, but maybe Gerard had been trying to find similarities that didn't exist in an attempt to feel close to someone for the first time in ages.
Maybe Frank had returned to a significant other, and a fight had occurred, driving Frank back into Gerard's arm out of convenience, not need, but Frank had seemed so genuine, he seemed to want Gerard more than anything else in the world - hell, his face when Gerard had asked him to be his boyfriend couldn't have been fabricated, that unbridled joy was impossible to fake, even by the most skilled of actors.
But wait, Gerard had picked Frank up that night from a bar, and yes - he hadn't been inside, but if Gerard remembered correctly, that was the same establishment where he first met Mikey, which meant that he frequented that place often, and not just to drink, but to pick up men, and what if he had only come with Gerard because the pickings were slim that night, what if Gerard was just a comfort zone for Frank until someone else better looking, or less fucked up came along.
But that didn't make sense, because if Gerard was just a quick fuck, why would Frank have put so much effort into their relationship, because he had, despite all of Gerard's misgivings, especially once Gerard had made things official between the two of them.
He would never forget how well Frank had dealt with the sight of his scars, how Frank hadn't judged him, how Frank had waited outside of his room for an hour when Gerard had broken down, the nerves at starting a new job manifesting itself until he had spiraled out of control, but Frank hadn't been afraid of him, Frank had stayed, Frank had managed to calm him down when no one else could, and someone who was only interested in sex wouldn't go to such extreme lengths to make sure that their significant other was okay - would they?
"Fuck!" Gerard screamed hoarsely, his voice echoing back at him as he slammed his skull against the headrest angrily, because he didn't know what to do; Frank was a walking contradiction, a liar, a lover, a saint, a sinner, and Gerard didn't know what to believe now that the blinders that had been his affection for Frank had been ripped away forcefully, but the remnants of them still lingered, because despite everything, Gerard couldn't stop himself from caring for Frank, he just didn't know if he could trust him anymore.
But now everything had gotten monumentally fucked up, and adding the fact that Frank was his student on top of the mess of lies Gerard was struggling to sift through with dismal results was too much, the weight was pressing against Gerard's spine, cracking the delicate bones with the pressure of it, and no matter how much Gerard screamed and fought, this wasn't going to go away, not unless Gerard sought out help, and with Frank no longer able to provide that, Gerard could only think of one other person to turn to.
With fumbling fingers, Gerard managed to tug his cell phone out of his pocket, the tears blurring his vision clearing slightly as he peered down at his notifications, and despite everything, Gerard was desperately hoping to see something from Frank, a call, a text, anything, but there was nothing, and fuck - that fact seemed to cement Gerard's misgivings, because if Frank had cared, if Frank's only transgression and been the deception regarding his age, then he would have tried to reach out to Gerard - right, but he hadn't, causing the evidence to pile up against him, snapping one of the cords that Frank had previously tied around Gerard's heart, the whiplash causing Gerard to gasp loudly in pain before he returned to his original task.
After many failed attempts, Gerard managed to locate Bert's name in his contacts, clumsily pressing the call button before bringing the device up to his tear stained cheek, and in typical Bert fashion, he picked up in barely two rings, his worried voice filling Gerard's ear, because Gerard never called Bert, it was always the other way around, so he was correct to assume that something was horribly wrong if it had caused Gerard to reach out to him first.
"Gerard - hey, you okay?" Bert asked, but Gerard found that he couldn't answer, his throat was closing up with an unexpected surge of emotions that actually weren't caused by Frank for once, and Gerard suddenly felt like the scum of the earth for being such a shitty friend to Bert.
Bert was always there for him, no matter what, and he had been longer than anyone else besides for Mikey, but Gerard took advantage to him, he only reached out to him when he needed something, when he was falling apart, and Bert seemed okay with that, but it wasn't right, and Gerard made a silent vow to attempt to let Bert in more often from this point forward, because he was the only one who had never hurt him, so Gerard wasn't even sure why he pushed him away, besides for the fact that Bert knew too much.
Bert was an integral part of Gerard's past, which was something Gerard did his best to forget, and Bert was nothing if not a reminder of that wretched time, but still, he wasn't a maid that Gerard had hired to clean up his emotional messes, and despite the hardships that would come with exposing himself to another person, Gerard was determined to try and change his abhorrent treatment of his best friend.
"Gerard - are you there?" Gerard's head snapped upward suddenly when he realized that he still had Bert on the line; he had been too caught up in reminiscing to answer his friend, and honestly - he didn't know what to say, because just thinking about what had happened with Frank felt like nose diving into a pile of shattered glass, so Gerard could only image how painful speaking the words aloud would be.
"Yeah, I'm here...uh," Gerard stammered out, his nails digging into his wrist desperately in a pitiful attempt to push his heartbreak aside with physical pain, which was a habit he had been trying so fucking hard to break, but god - Gerard wanted to hurt right now. "Bert I'm -" Gerard tried again, a soft sob cutting his statement off before it could form a coherent sentence.
"What happened Gee, what's wrong?" Bert pressed gently, and Gerard could clearly imagine his face on the other side of the call, his furrowed brows, his kind eyes, the firm set to his lips, because that was a look that Bert had sent Gerard's way too many times to count, and Gerard knew he had to explain himself before Bert dropped everything and made Gerard tell him what had occurred in person, which was not something Gerard wanted to deal with, doing it over the phone was already hard enough.
"I - it's Frank, he - he lied to me Bert, you were right, just like always, and I'm his teacher, and now - I don't know what to do Bert, I - I'm getting bad again," Gerard gasped out, the pressure on his wrist increasing as he spoke, the dull sting not enough, not even close, but Gerard couldn't allow himself to go any further with this, not right here anyway, but fuck - he wanted to, the urge was rising up in him with an intensity that he hadn't felt in months, and Gerard honestly didn't know if he was strong enough to resist the fucked up side of himself for very much longer.
"Oh god...where are you, is anyone there with you?" Bert's panicked tone caused Gerard to release his painful grip on his skin, because he didn't want to do this with Bert listening in, even if he was only scratching himself, his friend didn't deserve that.
"I - I'm in my car, and I'm alone, I think I'm at a park or something," Gerard sniffled softly, his head lolling against the closed window as he did his best to focus on his best friend's voice, even though the hateful words in his head were doing their best to drown everything else out.
"Do you need me to come get you? I'm still at the office, but I think I can be out of here in about half an hour if I hurry."
"No - oh god, I'm sorry, I didn't know, go back to work Bert, I'll be okay," Gerard grimaced as he spoke, because okay was not an accurate label for his current mental state, but he was already enough of a burden to Bert, so asking him to drop everything he was doing just so he could come comfort Gerard wasn't a viable option, no matter how badly Gerard needed his friend here with him.
"Hey - no, it's okay, I'm staying late to try and finish this program, but we can talk at least, can you tell me more about what happened, I'm sort of confused," Bert chuckled under his breath, using the small addition of humor to try and lighten the heavy tone of their conversation, and Gerard appreciated his attempt, even though it didn't have its desired effect on him.
"Well..." Gerard inhaled deeply, steadying himself before pouring out his story to his best friend. "I started my job today, and everything was going pretty well, until my last class, because of Frank - he was in it, he's my student, and he's seventeen Bert, which is fucked up - I know, but as terrible as it sounds, I still want him, I really do, but he - he lied to me, and now I don't know what to, and I yelled at him, and he disappeared, and - and I want to apologize, but he hasn't even called me, and I can't help but wonder if he is turning into another Colton, what if he is just using me, what if he reports me, I - I -"
"Gerard - hey, take a deep breath okay," Bert waited until Gerard had done what he said before continuing. "You are right, that is fucked up, but don't go jumping to conclusions just yet. I saw the way you acted when you talked about Frank, and I don't think he is trying to hurt you, even though he should have told you his age, but he is young, and dumb, so don't assume the worst okay?"
"But what do I do - I want to talk to him, to see if maybe we can work something out, but at the same time, I can barely look at him without wondering what else he has lied to me about, not to mention I could go to jail for this, but - I really like him Bert, he seemed so perfect," Gerard wailed, his nails making a new set of tracks in his skin as he spoke despite his best efforts to stop himself.
"If I were you, and I'm not, so I don't know exactly what you are going through, but I would take some time to make sure that Frank is worth this. I can't really condone you being with someone who is underage, but only because I'm worried about you...those things have a habit of getting out whether you want them to or not, and even though Frank seems like a decent person from what I have heard, he probably has friends he has told, and if one of them figures out you are his teacher, shit is going to hit the fan, and no matter how great of a guy he is, he isn't worth serving time, no one is - okay?"
"So what - I just ignore him and pretend like nothing ever happened?" Gerard shuddered as he spoke, because as angry as he was at Frank, not to mention how much he had hurt him, he didn't think he could do that, he couldn't just erase the memory of their time together, no matter how much he wished he could.
"I - I don't know Gee, I think you should probably talk to him, to try and figure out his intentions and if he plans on keeping quiet, but I know that will be hard for you, so just take it slow, get your head screwed on straight and figure out what you want before letting him back in. The logical side of me wants to say get out before he ruins your life, but I have known you for ages Gee, and I can't remember the last time anyone has made you as happy as him, even Mikey thinks he is good for you." Gerard rolled his eyes at the fact that Bert had been keeping tabs on him through Mikey, even though his friend couldn't see the gesture, but it still made Gerard feel better.
"I - okay, I'm just gonna go home and try to sleep for a bit, I didn't get much rest last night."
"Yeah, that sounds good Gee, and don't forget that you can call me if you start to feel worse," Bert asked, and even though Gerard didn't know if he could hold himself to that, he swore to at least try this time.
"I will...and Bert, thanks for picking up, I really needed to talk to someone," Gerard admitted shakily, because even though he hated appearing so weak in front of anyone, even Bert, he was so fucking grateful to his friend for putting up with him, and he didn't voice his appreciation for that anywhere near enough.
"Of course, you know I'm always here whenever you need anything." Gerard could hear Bert's smile coming across the line in his tone, and the fact that he had made someone happy lessened the crushing weight on Gerard's chest a small fraction. "Can you text me when you get home, just so I won't worry?"
"Yeah - I will, I'm heading there right now."
"Good, be safe Gee, oh shit - my boss just walked in, I have to go," Bert ended on a whisper, and before Gerard could say goodbye, Bert had ended the call, leaving Gerard with nothing else to do besides for start the car engine in preparation for what would probably be a frustrating drive home, the fact that he didn't know his exact location was going to make this journey interesting to say the least.
But even after Gerard had gotten the key into the proper position, he stayed frozen, because he wasn't ready to see the room where he and Frank had spent so many nights together, or to lie on the sheets that probably still smelled like him, but what other option did he have?
And fuck - Gerard's eyes were still fucking watering, and as much as he enjoyed using pain as a distraction from his emotions, he really didn't want to get in a car wreck on the way back to his apartment, so he began rummaging in his bag blindly, hoping to emerge with a tissue, or an old shirt, or something he could use to clear his vision from the irritating tears that Gerard was really getting fed up with, but his search came up empty, only resulting in knocking a few crumpled papers onto the floor instead.
And as Gerard bent over to retrieve the sheets so he could stuff then back where they belonged, his vision locked onto a familiar name written boldly at the top of one of the pages - it was Frank's assignment from earlier, of course it was Frank's, and even though a part of Gerard wanted to tear the delicate material to shreds so he wouldn't be faced with any reminder of the boy who had caused him so much distress, Gerard found himself sitting up with it clenched in his hand instead, his gaze dancing over the words that Frank had decided to pen down, and fuck - Gerard didn't know what he was expecting Frank to take out of this pointless exercise, but whatever it was, this hadn't been it.
It was an apology in the form of song lyrics, a heartfelt, seemingly sincere plea for Gerard to forgive him, the final lines taken up entirely by a song that Frank had supposedly written himself, and despite everything, Gerard felt like the guilty one, his heart was twisting in his chest as he read over Frank's desperate request for one more chance as another round of tears caught him completely off guard.
Frank seemed so genuine, at least on paper, but as much as Gerard wanted to believe Frank, and he did, fuck - he would do anything to salvage their relationship - he couldn't forgive him so easily, because anyone could compose a clever lie with the aid of ink, deception wasn't so easily detected through the written word, and Gerard knew that something between him and Frank had been ruined, the fragile trust he had placed in Frank was shattered into a million tiny pieces that would take years to reconstruct.
So even if Frank's only lie had been his age, it didn't really matter in the scheme of things, because regardless of the intense yearning to call Frank, to hear his voice once more, even if it was through a crappy cell connection, to tell him they could work everything out somehow, the urge to do so physically causing Gerard's hand to tremble wildly, Gerard didn't; instead, he slumped down against the steering wheel weakly, sobbing into his arms as the hopelessness of his situation finally sunk in.
Because even if Gerard let Frank back in, even if he ignored the illegal aspects to their relationship, even if they escaped detection from the authorities, it wouldn't be the same, because Gerard had been hurt now, he had been betrayed, and he knew from experience that allowing someone access to his heart a second time would never end well, even if that someone was Frank.
Gerard whimpered softly under his breath as he came to the conclusion that whatever they had was ending before it had even started, and although it was Gerard's fault that this was happening in a way, it still hurt - so fucking much, making Gerard consider the possibility that maybe he was being too hasty in his decision, but no - that would only give Frank the opportunity to wound him again, to tear his heart out which was already hanging by a slender thread, and Gerard wasn't stupid enough to let that happen, even though a few more weeks with Frank might be worth the agony he would receive later on.
What is this - a timely update? Apparently putting some of my stories on hold has seriously helped my inspiration for the two I am still working on, which is good news for you guys - I hope.
So I know I said that this chapter would have Frank and Gerard's confrontation, but once again, this somehow got way too long, but I promise it will be the next thing that happens for sure.
Also, I updated Pyre last night, and I am not sure if it didn't notify you guys, or if you all gave up on that book, or what, but yeah - a new chapter of that is up, and it would mean a lot to me if you checked it out.
And idk if you guys read my message boards, but when I hit 3k, I am going to post a new story that I have been working on in my spare time, so yeah - I am pretty excited for that.
As always, votes and comments make me super happy.
Chapter dedicated to FallOutGirl121
((((updating vibes))))
<3 starr