IT HAS BEEN TOO RUDDY LONG! TOO LONG!
And I am deeply sorry.. But the last couple of weeks of school were like a complete panic, and it finished on Friday! So I should have time to write now.. Or that's the plan anyway! Hopefully going to see Harry Potter on Wednesday with a friend.. What should I expect? Who's seen it? I've only watch three or four of the movies -no, wait, this'll be my fourth- so yeah.. I'm not a hardcore fan or anything xD
Anyway, why was I telling you that?
I HAVE BEEN NOMINATED FOR THE BOYXBOY AWARDS! YES! WHAT AN IMENSELY CHEESY SURPRISE! :'D I sooo feel like making a thank you speech ("And I have to thank my friends and family, my laptop, oh, I could never have done it with that piece of broken machinery!" *Tears) ..
Anyhow, read on.
>>>WARNING: No joke. This chapter sucks. My writing is getting worse and worse and worse. And worse. Forgive me?
Chapter Eighteen
The Beginning of the End
Freddie +
Was I happy?
Because I shouldn't have been. I shouldn't have been able to smile. And why was my head suddenly completely filled with thoughts of Joey when I had so many other things to think about? When there was shit going on with my dad? When there was shit going on with Sherry? When my life was falling the fuck apart because some guy that I was totally in love with suddenly came along after two and a half years…? Yet even that I was starting to doubt; being in love with Dmitry.
No. No way. I was in love with Dmitry. I couldn't deny it. How I felt when I saw him that Friday night, how I felt when he told me all those things, the memories of our past and the shit that happened to him when we separated. I was in love with him.
But Joey made me forget that. Joey made me feel better, because the love I felt for Dmitry was also so connected to pain that there was this constant ache surrounding me whenever I thought about him… Whenever I held him, and I did not even realise until I'd experienced how in love I could be with Joey without all that pain.
I kicked at a stone; maybe I was reading it wrong?
After what Finn said I'd checked my messages. For a moment I felt as if my heart was breaking. Messages and messages of "Are you okay?"s and "I'm sorry"s seemed to twist something in me. When had Joey and I become so close? When had I started wanting to take him in my arms and hug him? And when had I wanted to lean on him? When had I wanted to see him smile, so that I could smile?
When had 'we' begun?
And despite the not knowing the answer, I didn't want us to end.
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I stood in front of my front door, unwilling to open it, but deciding not to give it much thought I did it anyway. The high I’d been floating on while I was with Joey had slowly been seeping away from me the nearer I got home, and now I was suddenly back on rock bottom.
Again I wondered when Joey had become so important to me.
As I shut the door behind me, I heard movement so I turned to see Mia struggling through the kitchen door with some intricately designed china tea cups, a tea pot and a couple of tea spoons.
'Hey! Mia!' I rushed up to her and took the tray ffrom her hands to help her out. She looked up at me with surprise.
'Freddie! I- everyone- is wondering where you are!'
I highly doubted my father cared but I didn't say anything about that. 'What's going on? Does mum have guests?' I wanted to know. Mia's smile widened as she scuttled on her short legs over to the living room door. She took hold of the door knob.
'No, no, there's someone you'd love to see though,' she grinned. An image off Dmtiry sprang into my mind straight away, but as I walked into the living room with the tray in my hands it wasn't my red headed ex-boyfriend I saw, it was Catherine. The second oldest daughter, and my second favourite sister.
I almost dropped the tray of cups in my hurry to get to her, but managed to dump them on a coffee table as I collected her in a tight hug.
'Cath,' was all I could sigh into her mousey brown hair as I shut my eyes, willing myself not to cry.
'Hey, Fred,' she said softly as she rocked us from side to side. I hadn't seen Catherine in so long… Almost two years ago, when she was nineteen, she had a baby girl called Amy with some guy who was now her fiance and I hadn't seen her since the baby was born; they moved away -up North.
It was only when we pulled away that I realised we weren't alone. Mum, Lou and my father were all sitting on separate chairs around the room. As I stepped away I looked from each of them to Cath. 'So… What's going on here?'
I frowned when none of them said anything. 'Lou!? Cath, tell me-'
'Isn't it obvious, Freddie?' Dad said as he stood up. He stepped towards us but left a considerable amount of space in between, probably still wary of earlier today. Lou, and my mum kept their gazes on the floor but Cath squeezed my hand gently. 'I'm dying. Isn't it natural for my daughter to come and see me?'
'Oh.' I said shortly as I looked at Cath. 'Right.' She nodded. 'What about Beth and Paris?'
'They'll be arriving any time this week,' Catherine said.
There was silence from then. All eyes turned to Mia as she suddenly began pouring tea into the cups and distributing them.
After accepting our cups of tea, Cath pulled me to the sofa that Lou was sitting on and we sat down together. Mia left the room. I couldn't help feeling like everything was so cold and informal. My reunion with Cath didn't feel good anymore.
'I am dying,' my father began.
'Neil, please, give the treatment a chance-'
'Fuck the treatment, I can feel it… I'm dying. And hiding that- giving false hope- helps no one. I want to tell you this because there are going to be changes. Things may happen because of this. Obviously, I cannot work anymore… Paris and her husband will try and help fund things and will be sending your mother money but you may not be able to keep this house. Hopefully my savings will secure it for a year or two but your mother and I thought it best to move somewhere smaller and keep the savings for something else-'
What my father was saying kept ringing in my ears. It was all real.
I couldn't imagine my life without him. Even though for a lot of it he'd hated me, and he'd made me upset he'd been really involved in my life…
I heard sniffles from my sisters and my mother but didn't feel a single tear prick my eyes. My body was completely rigid. And it wasn't that I didn't want to cry at all. I just couldn't.
'Another thing. Freddie.' I looked up at my father. His face was completely blank but the wrinkles on his fifty five year old face made him look weary and… sad. 'You're moving.'
'What?!' Cath, Lou and I leaned forwards in the sofa at the same time, the same word echoing from our lips.
'You're fucking joking!' Lou shouted at him as she stood up. 'At this time? This time when we're meant to pull closer as a fucking family and keep each other up?! What the fuck!?' She screamed. Her whole body was shaking, and I couldn't watch.
'I refuse to call him my family while he is still attracted to men. I refuse to die with that. As far as I'm concerned, I have four daughters.'
I unlatched my hands from Cath's and let my gaze fall to my lap as my sister's gasps reached my ears. That's when I felt a tear slip down my cheek. That… That hurt, but not as much as Lou and Catherine's cries.
'Mum!? Mum!? You bitch! Are you doing nothing?!' Lou screamed. I felt like a fucking coward in that I could say nothing to protect myself... I was leaving it to Lou because deep inside, I was scared. I was afraid of what was happening. it was happening to fast, to much--
Catherine stood from next to me and held Lou back. Her voice was low, hard and sharp when she spoke, 'Where do you expect him to stay?! Do you realise what you're doing!?'
'I'm sorry... I'm sorry,' I heard mum say. I looked up and watched her stand from her sofa shakily and make her way towards the door.
'Wait,' I whispered. Everyone's eyes were on me as I stood too, and walked towards my mother. 'Can I talk to you outside please?' I asked her.
'Fr-'
'Lou, just please wait in here for a minute,' I pleaded, glancing at her. Her cheeks were stained with the black eyeliner she'd put on earlier, which only made my heart break more.
'I don't want to stay in this room with that cold bastard!' She yelled at me, her whole body shaking, broken sobs stopping her speech. Catherine held her and cried into her shoulder as they both crumpled onto the sofa.
'None of you understand,' my father began, setting his jaw. 'By making me the bad guy you're encouraging his homosexual behaviour! It's sick! It's fucking disgusting!'
The last thing I heard before I shut the door with a click behind me was 'Kindly shut the fuck up!'
As much as I loved Lou and Cathrine for caring about me so much, I couldn't help hating it... Hating everything. It was all down to me again. The reason our family was falling apart. The reason all of my sisters had moved out so quickly and moved to such far-away parts of England. It was to get out of the hostile home atmosphere.
It was all my fault.
'Mum,' I said.
My mother turned to face me. Her greying brown hair framed her face in wavy bob that made her look much younger than she really was. Her eyes -a similar colour to mine- held pain in them. She was suffering just as much as my sisters were.
'You know something,' she began. Her voice was so low I barely caught her words. 'I am really, really proud of your sisters,' she cried. Her words and the tears flooding down her cheeks made my shoulders shake and my lips quiver. 'I don't want you to go, Freddie,' she fought the words out between sobs. 'You have to believe me-'
'So why?' I asked. I wanted to reach out; to touch her somehow, console her, but my mother wasn't that kind of person. Even now- especially now, when she was so vulnerable, her body was stiff, Her hands were clasped together in front of her as she cried.
'Because even if your father at this present time isn't the man I married, even then, I want his last wishes to come true. He wants you straight. And if that can not happen so soon, he wants you sent to one of those camps where you'll turn.'
'But I won't!' I told her desperately. 'Does he really think taking me to one of those places will help anything?! I didn't even realise they were real!'
'Freddie, that's my point, it won't change you, so won't you do it? Won't you do it until he goes? just make his last couple of months happy?'
'With me fucking gone!? What am I going to do? I have friends! I have Lou!'
My mother turned away from me. 'I won't force you to do anything, Freddie. I just ask that you consider him-' and she moved away from me and up the stairs.
I felt my knees give way and I slid to the floor with my back against the wall. Seconds later the kitchen door opened and Mia's head popped through. Her cheeks were tear-stained so I could only imagine she'd been listening to everything.
'Freddie..' She murmured. I could feel my face twisting in an effort not to cry and the next thing I knew she was rushing to my side and gathering me in a tight hug. 'It's all going to be alright, I promise you that,' she whispered. 'It'll all be okay.'
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>>Comment! Vote! Vote for me in the @BoyxBoyAwards? :D
I love you guys so much, and appreciate every single comment-- especially the ones that make me go into a lil daydreaming world of my own or make me scream and hyperventilate with love. :D
Have I mentioned that one of my dreams would be to meet a fan? If any of you want to randomly stroll to my house and say HEY I'M YOUR FAN, I'd love you. >:{3
PS: I SAW JOEY! THAT'S RIGHT! Or a guy that looks exactly like I think he'd look like anyway.. I was on my way to the bus stop and -BAYUM- there he was! Heading towards this cute cafe me and my sister go in sometimes. :') He was in football kit :P
LOL.