Chapter 32
"I can't go out there," I said.
"Amber, come on," Gustavo said. "They don't think any different of you."
"Are you sure about that? Because if I were in there shoes, I would be wondering what the hell I was thinking getting myself into with this crazy girl."
"How many times do we have to say it for it to sink in?" Victoria said exasperated. "You're not crazy."
I groaned in frustration. "Ugh, I'm so tired of all this. Why am I such a screw-up?"
"Alright, that's it." Jules got up on his feet and stared me down." The only way for you to accept yourself is to let others accept you. We love you for who you are and nothing will change that. But now, we're not the only ones in your life." He reached down to grab my hand and pulled me up, dragging me by the arm out of the tiny bathroom.
"Jules, what are you doing?" Victoria called out, following close behind.
Damien jumped up as soon as we entered. While his older brothers gave us questioning but cautious looks. Jules stepped in the middle of the room, dropping my arm. His shoulders moved up and down. "We've known you for years now. We've seen you at your best and your worst, and everything in between." He turned and looked me in the eye. "But now, they're the ones who are going to be a big a part of your life. Every part of your life and you need to accept that you can't be keeping secrets from everyone. You need to learn to trust the people in your life. They care about you."
"We all do," Victoria said, coming to stand next to her older brother. "Unconditionally. We all love you. Something you've forgotten how to do for the past three years."
"Maybe if you start accepting other people's love, you'll be able to accept your own," Gustavo said.
I looked around the room at everyone. "I'm scared," I finally said. "I don't know if I'm ready."
"It's okay to be scared," Victoria said. "And it's okay if you don't feel like you're ready, but if you're going to have relationships with these people; they're going to need to understand you, all of you. Not just the pretty parts of you."
By the time everyone had gathered in the living room, Suzy and Damien's dad had come home for the night. Heather had left whatever she was making to slow cook on the stove. Everyone sat waiting for something to happen when Victoria sat up abruptly in her seat. "Wait." She got up from her seat next to me, pulling Jules with her. "Gentle," he warned her, even as she pushed him onto another couch before stomping across the room to where Damien sat. Before either of us could react, she pulled him up by the sleeve and dragged him up from his seat before plopping him down abruptly next to me. "Okay, much better," she said, clearly satisfied.
I stared at her in disbelief. "Way to be subtle, Victoria," Jules said sarcastically.
"To think we're even related," she shook her head.
Victoria had thrown Damien awkwardly on the couch, and I couldn't help but notice as he righted himself how precariously and with caution, he made sure we didn't accidently touch. I couldn't help but feel a little sad. I guess I deserved it after the way I reacted earlier. I squeezed my hands into fists on my lap and lowered my head, letting my hair fall into my face. I felt the couch weight shift next to me. "Are you okay?" Damien said softly.
No. I really wasn't okay, and as much as I tried to deny it I needed to change. I needed help. "No." My voice cracked on that one word, but it was enough for Damien to take me in his arms and bury my head in his chest. He didn't say anything and I didn't cry. I was tired of crying tears forced to be shed. I was tired of feeling ashamed for something out of my control; being blamed for something I never had a say in, being afraid of something I will always remember and carry in my conscious throughout life.
But did that mean I was ready to tell my story? I had already done so with Damien. He was the only one I had outright told what had happened to me. I folded my shaking hands together in my lap and sucked in a breath. "Oh my god. This is so hard," I whispered.
Victoria, my best friend, my only friend who had been through it all with me before Damien came into my life, jumped up to come kneel by my feet and take my trembling fingers in her warm palms. "Hey, Amber. Remember all those awesome sleepovers we use to have when you would come and visit or when I would come and visit? Gosh, those were the best."
I nodded, thankful for the distraction. "All those baking videos we would do, all the cupcakes we would make."
"All the weight we would gain." We both laughed. "Let's be sure to have those again, okay?"
I nodded. "Yeah."
Victoria stayed by my feet, and everyone stayed silent.
I told them everything. Right from the beginning. Two years ago. Paris. Summer. "I had never attended public school before. We were always moving from place to place so I usually had tutors or homeschooling. I was so excited to finally attend a real school, like Victoria did in France.
"I was young, dumb, and stupid. I wasn't thinking. They . . . they took me from behind when I wasn't looking. Caught me by surprise, really." I stopped to put my mind at ease and shake off images in my mind. " . . . A week had passed before the French police were able to find me . . . but by then . . ." My voice cracked.
"It was horrible . . . just absolutely horrible," Gustavo said. "When they found her, they wouldn't let any of us get near her, not even her parents. They kept her in a mental hospital for a month before we were allowed to finally see her . . ."
"So, you were kidnapped when you like twelve and a half?" Tony said in disbelief. "My god . . ."
The hospital.
The hysteria.
The separation from my parents.
The pills.
I found myself fingering the many bracelets I always wore to conceal my wrists. I looked up and found Jules staring at me. "I wanted to die so much," I found myself saying, with everyone's full attention. "I asked myself everyday why I wasn't already dead. Why didn't God already take me?"
"Amber . . ." Dan said.
"The pain hurt so much, I just couldn't take it anymore." Gustavo and Jules refused to meet my eye. "This feeling just eats you up . . . from inside out and makes you do the most unthinkable things." Suddenly, I felt Damien jolt and grab my wrists, yanking them forward. He ripped all the bracelets from my skin, letting beads and string glitter the floor like a confetti.
I felt ashamed and exposed as his thumbs stroked the hideous white lines that trailed dangerously close to the blue vines across my skin. I tried to pull away from his grip but he only held tighter. Victoria looked away, choking back a sob. "No! I don't want you to see!" I cried. "I don't want anyone to see!" I struggled against the weight of his arms but stopped when he looked me straight in the eyes, his pleading gaze on the verge of tears.
I shook my head. "No! They're ugly! You'll hate me!" He wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me flush against his chest, concealing my face. "Don't-!"
"I don't want you to look!" He finally cried. "I don't want you to look." His voice broke.
I froze at his words.
"I don't want you to ever experience pain again. So please, don't look. Don't be reminded of what happened," he pleaded.
Silence.
Then, "What did they do to you?" Suzy whispered, tears in her voice.
Damien shielded my ears before anyone could say anything.
*waves awkwardly* Heyy . . . Wow, has it already been a month? Haha . . . I'm sorry okay!! College is not as easy as some of you might think. I'm took my high school days for granted. To all you high schoolers out there: Cherish every moment! Anyway, moving on. So I have finally updated! I didn't mean for it to be short but hopefully along with this update I can have another chapter up for you guys this weekend and if not well . . . don't kill me. Please.
So Amber finally told Damien's family the horrifying events of her recent years. I know I am not the best writer in the world but I really tried to show how conflicting and emotional it was for her to basically strip herself of her skin in front of so many people. It's definitely not easy telling people that you were raped and murdered said rapist but I hope you were able to really feel and understand everything she was going through in this chapter and pretty much her whole life.
Thanks for reading and staying with Amber and Damien! And any new readers hello and welcome to the family! <3