When I was in elementary school, three traumatic events occurred, out of which I will share the least disturbing one.
I was at a party. I'm not quite sure what the party was for. My entire family—my uncles, my aunts, cousins, grandparents—had gathered for celebration.
One of my uncles came to me and asked me whether I wanted to go outside in the playground and play on the swings. I actually didn't want to go there because I wanted to play with my cousin. But he insisted on going out. I was about to ask my cousin to join us but uncle said it'd be hard to babysit so many kids at once. He promised we wouldn't be out for long. So, I agreed.
It was night time and outside was pitch dark. I am somewhat scared of dark so I really wanted to go back inside. But he led me to one of the swings. He sat on it and made me sit on his lap and held me tightly and continually kissed the small of my back. It made me feel sick and I tried to free myself from him telling him that I wanted to go inside again. But he didn't listen and instead asked me to wait for few more minutes while he continued to touch and kiss me.
He let go after a while and we went back to the lounge.
I don't remember what happened after that. I was shocked, I guess. I didn't know what to do. I didn't tell my parents or any other adult. This is my first time sharing this incident with anyone. It was disgusting. And I felt so insecure. I couldn't even sleep at night for days because every time I closed my eyes the image of me sitting on his lap feeling extremely terrified floated in my mind. I was barely ten then and he was in his early twenties or something. And I'm pretty sure he wasn't drunk.
Even now when I meet him at a wedding or any other family get-together I'm reminded of it. Whenever he hugs me I honestly squirm under his touch. I hate his touch. I hate him.
There were two more distressing episodes that happened but I don't have the courage to write them down. Because of these, my personality had undergone a complete transformation. I used to be a bubbly and cheerful kid. Now I'm the polar opposite of that. When I was little, I used to interact with people well. But now? I'm truly afraid of them. There was this stage when I was so much afraid of them that I didn't even dare to go anywhere other than school and my house. I used to lock myself in my room and stay there all day long. At school, I would only stay with a group of people with whom I rarely talked. I just talked to this girl who has been my friend ever since we were kids. But even she doesn't know about this.
I was afraid of people to the extent that I didn't even like going to dinners with my family or to a film at the theatre. In fact, I hated traveling via trains and airplanes. I just asked my dad to drive the car. It was not possible every time and when it wasn't, I used to perfectly freak out. When I was giving Maths Olympiad, I couldn't perform well just because there were so many unfamiliar people in the room.
I still am afraid of people but not to that extent. I'm trying to get over my fear.
From my personal experiences, what I have learnt is that certain incidents in your childhood leave an indelible imprint on your mind. And these events truly leave you paralyzed.
All those people out there, who are going through "slut" shaming and sexual bullying, please don't give up. I wish I could say that one day time would help you forget about those events but the truth is that you would never forget. Somewhere in your conscious or sub-conscious mind it would stay. But there will be a day when you'd look back and realise how unbelievably strong you are.
Fighting!