By the time Frank had reached his deceivingly innocent front door, his previous good mood had deflated entirely, leaving him nothing but a mess of nerves and shaking hands that didn't seem to want to grab onto his key just yet, and in all reality, he truly didn't want to go inside, because then he would have to deal with the fiasco that was his life once again.
Frank had been in such a rush to get home, but now that he was here, it was as if he was moving in slow motion, because even though he knew his mother needed him here, that didn't mean that Frank felt needed, or even accepted in this house that was no longer a home.
Frank's house seemed to physically repel him, as if it knew that he wasn't wanted here, and all that was awaiting him inside was an angry mother that was sure to ask too many questions that Frank really couldn't provide answers to, but Frank couldn't run away from this for any longer, and the quicker he got this over with, the sooner he could go up to his room and daydream about Gerard.
Being with Gerard had taken him away from all this, it had been an escape, almost like living in an entirely different world, where Frank wasn't the fucked up seventeen year with a debatably insane mother and nothing to look forward to. When Frank had been with Gerard, he had been wanted, he had been special, and most of all, he had been carefree, unrestrained by the usual burdens which weighed him down, and Frank had almost forgotten what that felt like, but he wanted to experience it again as soon as possible.
And as Frank finally got his house key into the lock, he realized that his mother shouldn't even be home today - it was Wednesday after all, which meant she had skipped out on work, probably because she was worried about Frank, and now he had another mess on his hands to clean up once he made his way inside.
"Frankie - is that you?" Frank flinched at the hated nickname, because it only brought back memories of his father, and it sounded so unnatural falling from his mother's tongue, but no matter how many times he pleaded for her to simply call him Frank, she never remembered.
"Yeah - it's me," Frank called out, internally bracing himself for whatever was about to follow.
Because the terrifying thing was, that Frank had no idea what to expect. A typical teenager would come home to a furious mother who would lecture their son about staying out all night without calling, and that was definitely a possibility, but honestly - Frank could be walking into anything right now. His mother might not even recognize him, or she might erupt into tears at the sight of him; Frank didn't know, he never knew, and he really hated not knowing things.
Actually, Frank would be fine with not knowing how his mother would react, if she would only do so in a way that wasn't totally irrational. Frank truly yearned for a caring, overprotective mother that would genuinely be worried about Frank's safety when he didn't come home that night, which was not what most teenagers wished for, but Frank wasn't most teenagers, and he would fucking kill for that.
There had been countless nights when Frank's mother hadn't even realized Frank was gone, but the worst was when she didn't know Frank was home, when she didn't even acknowledge that she shared the house with another person. That was what Frank hated the most, and at least his mother had recognized him when he walked in the door, which meant he hadn't left Gerard's place for nothing.
Still, Frank was seized with the irrational desire to bolt while he still had the chance, to dash back to Gerard's and take him up on that offer of breakfast, or even better, drag him into the bedroom where Frank could bury all of this in the touch of Gerard's skin against his own until Frank forgot everything except for Gerard.
Frank could stay there all day, he could leave his mother to her own devices, and not worry about whether she had called into work or not, or how much sick time she had left, and if they would dock her pay for missing today. Frank could ignore it all, he could drown out everything in the vortex that was Gerard, but he didn't - not this time at least.
Because Frank had to take some responsibility for his actions here, and if his mother had missed work because of him, he had to do his best to fix that, and he had to make sure she was okay - even though she really wasn't, because if Frank didn't do those things, no one would, and the delicate foundations their lives were balanced on would come crumbling down if Frank didn't hold them up.
And it was too late to run now anyway, because his mother had spotted him, dropping her mug of coffee, or tea, or whatever the fuck it was onto the tile floors where it shattered into a thousand pieces, but she didn't even notice, she was too busy wrapping Frank up in a bone crushing hug that didn't feel comforting at all, even though that was probably her intention.
"Oh baby...I thought you had left me, and I was so scared - so alone...oh god..." Linda broke off into quiet sobs as she buried her face in Frank's shirt.
"I was just at Pete's mom...I'm sorry. I should have phoned you," Frank sighed, patting his mother's back awkwardly in an attempt to soothe her as guilt twisted in his stomach angrily. Frank truly hadn't meant to upset her this much, and she had never panicked to such an extent when he had stayed out half the night before, but Frank's mother was nothing if unpredictable, and Frank knew that better than anyone.
"I don't want you going over there anymore honey, you need to stay here, stay with me...where it's safe," Linda mumbled, her tears already ebbing almost as fast as they had started.
"Mom...I - okay, I won't," Frank sighed out, because he had learned over the past two years that it was pointless to argue with her, especially when she would most likely forget about this entire conversation tomorrow.
"Good - you are such a good boy, nothing like your father." Frank shuddered slightly at the mention of his father, and the venomous tone his mother laced the word with, but his mother didn't notice Frank's averse reaction, of course she didn't.
"Did you call into work today mom?" Frank asked, desperate to change the subject away from his father, and luckily for him, it actually worked this time.
"No...but it's Saturday baby, I don't go in on the weekends - remember?" Frank's mother finally pulled away from him with a puzzled look on her face, and Frank had to suppress his groan of frustration from escaping a throat.
"No it isn't...it's Tuesday mom. Come on - let's go phone them okay?" Frank took his mother's hand gently, leading her into the kitchen and over to the landline.
"Huh...I must have lost track of the days," Linda murmured quietly before picking up the phone and dialing the number to her work.
Frank listened in on her conversation, because if he didn't, god knows if his mother would actually remember what she had been calling about in the first place. She seemed to snap back to herself though, and after some subtle nudges from Frank, she agreed to head in soon so she would only miss half of the day.
And after a few more pointless words, and meaningless promises, Frank managed to get his mother out the door, and it was only when Frank could hear her start the engine to her car that he allowed a few tears to escape down his cheeks now that he was alone once again.
He didn't let himself break down completely, he just needed to release some of the pent up anxiety inside of him so that he wouldn't snap entirely, because it was obvious to Frank that his mother's mental illness was getting worse, not better, and he had no fucking clue how long he was going to be able to keep her functioning if she couldn't even remember what day of the week it was.
Frank was worried, so fucking worried, because what was he supposed to do here; he couldn't be home twenty-four/seven, not if he wanted to keep his own job that is, but his mother made way more money than Frank did, and if she got fired, they would be evicted within a few months.
But it almost seemed like Frank's mother needed a constant babysitter now, and Frank wasn't sure if he was up for the task. She had been missing work more frequently then ever before, sometimes she drove off with the intentions of going in, and it was only later that Frank learned that she had spent the day shopping, or something like that instead, and Frank knew her company wasn't very lenient with numerous absences.
Frank didn't know what else he could do to help her though, besides for literally drive her to work and walk her inside as if she was a child heading to her first day at school, and Frank knew she would never actually let Frank do that. She was convinced that she was fine, and that Frank was just imagining her odd behavior, and no matter how hard Frank tried to show her proof that she needed help, it never worked.
Frank was truly at a loss for how to help his mother, and there was nothing else he could do besides for try, but that didn't seem like nearly enough anymore, and Frank felt like such a fucking failure who could only watch as his mother slowly disintegrated before his very eyes.
Frank collapsed onto his bed with a tired grunt, planning on sleeping until he had to head into work tonight, because it was either that or drive himself crazy thinking about everything that was wrong with his life, but when Frank pulled out his phone with the intentions of plugging it into the charger, he saw a new text notification, and suddenly everything was a little more okay with the world.
It was from Gerard, of course it was, and Frank had almost forgotten about the earlier message already, even though he was amazed that Gerard had managed to slip from his mind, although he had numerous other things to occupy his thoughts.
But now it all came rushing back, and Frank let himself get caught up in the dreamland that even thinking about Gerard ensconced him in, and all his fears about his mother, and if she was actually going to work or not fell away from him like shedding skin.
The message was simple, nothing more than a few sweet words, but at the same time, it was everything to Frank, and he found himself actually smiling as he stared at his phone screen much longer than the single line of text called for.
"Tomorrow can't come soon enough...I miss you already"
And fuck - Frank had no idea how badly he needed to hear those words until just now, because the fact that he was seeing Gerard tomorrow was the only thing keeping Frank from breaking into sobs and calling into work himself, and to know that Gerard felt the same way meant so fucking much to Frank, so much that he didn't even bother dissecting Gerard's intentions this time.
Because Frank needed this, he needed Gerard and whatever they had, and even if Gerard really was just fucking with Frank, and he was going to end up getting his heat broken in the end, Frank didn't really give a shit right now, because for today, he was happy, and maybe he would be tomorrow too, and that was enough to make Frank stop doubting Gerard until he gave him a good reason to do so.
And even though it was way too soon for Frank to be this dependent on Gerard, Frank was already fucked, because Gerard had begun to symbolize hope for him; hope for a better life, hope for love, hope that someone could actually care about Frank for the first time in years, and if Frank was falling too fast, it was understandable given his situation, at least, that was how Frank rationalized it to himself.
And Frank was well aware what he was getting into, and he wasn't kidding himself about their situation. This wasn't a fairytale, and he wasn't falling in love with Gerard - no, this was something different, something else, something desperate, full of lust, and need, and desire, but not love, even though Frank wanted it to one day end up there, but he wasn't stupid enough to expect that Gerard could ever actually love Frank.
Gerard would get tired of Frank one day, or he would find out how fucked up he truly was, or something, and Frank would lose Gerard - he knew that, but maybe whatever time they did have together would be enough to help Frank heal, enough to help him carry on just that much longer, so for now, Frank was going to take everything Gerard could give him as long as he still wanted Frank around.
Gerard was a drug, more powerful than alcohol, more tempting; Frank had only needed one taste to become addicted, and now it was too late for him to stop, because even if this ended up destroying him, trying to distance himself from Gerard would probably kill Frank first, and even though he was scared of this connection - terrified actually, his fear was nowhere near as strong as his desire to see Gerard again.
"I miss you too...I really wish I had stayed instead of coming here"
Frank didn't expect Gerard to respond immediately, his text had been sent almost an hour ago after all, but as if Gerard was determined to prove Frank wrong, his reply came through barely two minutes later.
"You okay?"
Those two words shouldn't have sent Frank into a fit of tears, but they did, and out of nowhere, Frank found himself sobbing brokenly against his pillow, and now that he started, he couldn't find the strength to stop.
It was as if Gerard knew, like he had been able to decipher Frank's mood through a text message, and even though that should have been impossible, Frank didn't know why else Gerard would have asked him that.
It wasn't like it was a normal response to what Frank had said, and really, Frank had been expecting some casual flirting, or something, anything but that innocent question which had made Frank remember how truly not okay he really was.
Frank sat up in shock when he felt his phone buzzing softly against his hand, and it was only then that he realized he had been crying for about twenty minutes now, and he hadn't replied to Gerard's last text, and now Gerard was calling him - fucking calling him, and Frank didn't know what to do.
For some reason, Frank hated talking on the phone, but that wasn't why he didn't immediately pick up, because he would gladly put aside his distaste if it meant that he got to hear Gerard's voice, but if he answered the call, Gerard would be able to tell that he was crying, and Frank didn't have the energy to lie and pretend he was fine right now.
His phone stopped vibrating for a moment, and through his tear stained eyes, Frank saw the notification that he had one missed call, followed instantly by a new text message, which Frank couldn't resist checking, even though he still had tears streaming down his face.
"Call me?"
And even though Frank knew this was a terrible idea, he found himself pressing the redial button, and although his brain was screaming at him to stop this, his arm was already bringing the phone up to his ear, and then Gerard's voice was filling Frank's otherwise silent room, and it was too late to back out now.
"Frank...you there?" Gerard asked, and just hearing the genuine concern in his tone had Frank choking back another wave of tears.
"Yeah - it's me," Frank whispered, as if keeping his voice lowered would keep his sobs at bay as well.
"I'm glad you called," Gerard stated, and Frank was so fucking grateful to Gerard in that moment, because he hadn't asked what was wrong, or why Frank was crying, he was just letting Frank know that he was there, and he cared, and that was exactly what Frank needed right now.
Frank was still upset, and he was still hurting, but it wasn't as unbearable as it had been two minutes ago, and just Gerard's presence had managed to calm Frank down, even though it was through a crappy cell connection, and not the real thing.
"I honestly don't know why I did..." Frank chuckled weakly, that sad laugh that he always used when he was trying to hold back his sobs.
"It's okay, because I do, and I know you are upset. I don't know why, but it doesn't really matter, and you can tell me if you want, but you don't have to."
"I - I just...fuck Gerard, I don't know how you know that, but I don't even care. I'm just fucked up, and I can't stop crying, and I hate this," Frank sniffled softly, trying to wipe away the tears that were still pouring down his face in a never ending torrent.
"Oh sugar...I don't like the thought of you crying," Gerard murmured soothingly, and Frank found himself pressing his ear closer to the phone so he could hear Gerard better, because he was pretty sure Gerard had just given him a pet name, and fuck - Frank could get used to that.
"I still don't get why you care, or why you even called - fuck, I sound like an asshole, but I don't mean it like that. I'm just confused, but I like this, and I like you, and I don't want you to stop talking," Frank rambled out in between gasps for air, and if he had been thinking clearly, Frank would probably have been mortified by his outburst of honesty, but he wasn't, so he didn't care.
"Then I won't stop talking, and I care because I like you too Frank, and I think I understand what you are going through - at least, I know what it's like to be overwhelmed, and alone, and I don't want you to be alone, so I called. Does that make you less confused?" Gerard giggled quietly, and Frank cracked a sad smile at the sound.
"Thank you - really, I - I'm fine, I'm just freaking myself out, and I just wish that everything was different, or something, and I sort of just want to run away, but I can't run away from myself..." Frank trailed off awkwardly, because his mouth was running a mile ahead of his brain, and even though Frank was being purposely vague, this was the most that he had opened up to anyone in ages, and he was getting slightly uncomfortable with how easy talking to Gerard was.
"It's okay not to be fine Frank - it's okay, but if you want to pretend, I understand, I just want you to know that you don't have to pretend with me."
"Fuck - why are you so perfect?" Frank chuckled to himself, because really, Gerard had to be a mind reader or some shit, because there was no way he could guess exactly what Frank needed to hear right now, but he was, and Frank was actually starting to feel better - his tears had finally stopped at least, so that was a start.
"I'm not perfect Frank - far from it actually," Gerard answered after a few moments of silence, and Frank didn't miss the tortured edge to Gerard's words, but he pretended not to notice it.
"Is it too late to take you up on that offer for breakfast?" Frank stuttered out, because he was overcome with an intense desire to see Gerard in person, to watch his lips move as he formed the words that Frank was desperately absorbing like oxygen into starving lungs; Frank felt like he would suffocate without them, and he couldn't stop himself from voicing the question, even though he felt slightly pathetic doing so.
"You can come over for breakfast any time."
"I'll be there in fifteen minutes." Frank hung up the phone before he could hear Gerard's answer, and he was out the door in thirty seconds flat, his tears nothing more than forgotten stains on his cheeks, his previous sorrow shriveling away next to the brilliant joy that had unfurled in his chest now that he was going back to see Gerard.
Frank basically ran the short distance to Gerard's apartment complex, even though he would never admit that to anyone, but he was aching to be back in Gerard's arms, no matter that they had barely been separated for two hours - it had seemed like two years to Frank.
And Frank knew he was being irrational, and he really should have stayed home just in case his mother showed back up, and he had to herd her out the door again, but Frank was done with worrying about that for now, because everything was falling apart anyway, and Frank knew his efforts were only prolonging the inevitable fall of his mother, and right now, Frank really didn't give a shit if everything came crumbling down around his head.
Frank made the journey in thirteen minutes exactly, and by the time he skidded to a halt in front of Gerard's door, Frank had to take a moment to catch his breath and think about what he was doing before he knocked.
Because Frank hadn't really though this through, and Gerard was probably going to have questions about what had happened, and why Frank was back after so adamantly stating that he had to leave earlier this morning, and really, Frank painted a pretty pathetic picture right now.
Frank's shirt was still wet from his recent tears, and he was sure his eyes were bloodshot and puffy. Frank was weak, his defenses were down, and it would be all too easy to let Gerard see the real Frank that he had kept hidden from everyone besides Pete for years.
And now that Frank had paused for a minute and actually realized what he was doing, he had no fucking idea why he had come to Gerard's instead of Pete's, because Pete was the person that Frank always turned to when he felt this way, but today, stopping by his friend's house hadn't even crossed his mind.
Because even though Gerard was a stranger, and there was no good explanation for why Frank trusted him so much, so soon, he did, and Gerard made all of the shit Frank had eating away at his mind disappear, which was something that not even Pete had been able to do lately, because yes - Pete helped, but he couldn't lose himself in Pete like he did with Gerard, and Frank needed to immerse himself in something right now, even if it was a man's arms that he had only met last night.
In the end, it was Gerard's apartment door that helped Frank make up his mind, because somehow, it seemed one thousand times more inviting than his own home, and that meant something to Frank. He felt safe here with Gerard, and maybe it was okay to let go and be himself, because Gerard seemed to like Frank, and he cared, and if this all went to shit, at least Frank got away for the day instead of staying home crying until he had fallen into a dream filled sleep that would leave him more tired than before.
So Frank forced himself to raise his hand and rap gently on the door, and he didn't even have time to get nervous before it was being pulled open, and there was Gerard, looking even more gorgeous than Frank remembered, staring down at Frank with a caring expression tinged with genuine happiness that made his knees weak and his heart beat speed up, and Frank instantly knew he had made the right decision in coming here.
"Frank - I didn't know if you would come," Gerard exhaled heavily, as if he had been holding his breath the entire time Frank had been making his way over.
"I said I would," Frank smiled, stepping inside when Gerard motioned with his hand for him to come in.
"I know, but I thought - it doesn't matter. I missed you," Gerard smiled, that crooked grin that Frank would never get tired of staring at.
"Fuck - I missed you too," Frank admitted quietly.
And then Gerard was leaning down, pressing Frank back against the door frame in a perfect parody of the kiss they had last shared, but this time, Frank wasn't leaving, he was going to stay here with Gerard for as long as possible, fuck work, fuck everything, nothing mattered when Gerard was kissing him like there wasn't anything else he would rather be doing.
"You okay?" Gerard asked when they finally pulled apart, leaving Frank dizzy and gasping for air, and really, Gerard's arms wrapped around his waist was the only thing keeping his knees from collapsing and depositing him on the ground right now.
And there was that question again, that question that everyone asks but never truly expects an answer, but Gerard seemed like he actually did, like he genuinely wanted to know if Frank was really okay, and Frank felt literal bubbles of warmth forming in his stomach, floating up to into his chest until Frank felt like he might explode from the sensation.
"Yeah - I am."
And this time, Frank wasn't lying, or pretending, not even a little bit, because when he was around Gerard, everything seemed bearable again, and even if Frank was just hiding from his life, he was going to keep doing it if it made him feel this way, and when Gerard reattached their lips eagerly, Frank actually felt pretty fucking perfect.
I worked until two am tonight and I still managed to finish this, I am so proud of myself, even though I'm not sure if I am proud of this chapter.
I don't really know where I was going with this, and it sort of turned into just a filler, which totally isn't what this story needs, but whatever, apparently this fic is going to be really fucking long.
This chapter is dedicated to booksandmcr because your comments on the last chapter really made me smile, and I'm so happy you are loving this book so much.
Alright, I'm tired as fuck, and I have spent way too long trying to edit this, and I am actually starting to hate this chapter, so I am going to post it before I scrap it completely.
((((good vibes))))
<3 starr