𝘾𝙝𝙧𝙞𝙨
﹥━━━━━━━━━━﹤
"Wait!" Morgan's efforts at yelling to get me to stop are hardly effective. I drain her voice out and continue heading towards the door.
Jabari leads the way. Eager— like I said— to get dropped.
How do I want to do it, I ponder. Should I just slam him like the bitch he acted like? Or should I two piece him, I got some anger I can take out? If I choke him—
"What you wanna do, Chris?" He stands unguarded as he dares to ask me that. He must've forgot who I was.
"You and I both know those are fighting words." I remind him, moving out of the direct sunlight so I can see better.
His shoulders shrug. "It's whatever you wanna do," he says with a straight face.
A quick read of his stiff body language tells me he's not looking for a brawl. Jabari is a lot of things: loud, obnoxious, horny, provocative, and while he's ignorant to a lot, he is not dumb enough to square up with me. The asshole might have a few inches on me, but that's all I'll give him. My stamina, high IQ, strength, and speed trump his 6'5".
A loud sigh comes from Morgan who's standing on the stoop, watching this all unfold. I nearly forgot she was even here.
What is she doing here, I'm still confused?
"See," she coos, "you guys don't wanna fight. Just hug it out."
My face cracks first, I'm laughing small as I scratch my eyebrow with my thumb nail, looking down at my feet in these damn Grandpa ass house slippers Morgan got me from Jabari's closet.
I laughed because I can't believe Jabari is gullible enough to think I would drop this. Time passed is not an apology.
Seeing a relieved smirk on his face, I don't let Jabari take another step with his arms out, thinking he's gonna hug me.
I ball my fists so tight, my short nails are digging into my palm.
In the next split second, I drive my fist right into his nose. It's not exactly where I was aiming, but I blacked out for a second, just wanting to hurt him and catch him off guard like he did to me. So much for IQ; this wasn't a decision I put thought into, it just kind of happened.
"Mothafucka'!" Jabari curses, pinching his nose.
"I think you broke my shit." He says, spitting out blood.
I just watch him mumble under his breath for a minute straight, calling me anything from a "cracker motherfucker" to "white son-of-a-bitch."
Once his tirade comes to a close, Jabari's dark brown eyes settle into neutrality. His chest deflates as do his nostrils.
I notice his fists unclench, and jaw.
"We good?" He asks, lanky arms outstretched as if I'm going to be gay and hug him.
My lips curls, I just stare at him blankly.
Ugh.
"Yeah, we're good." I give in but slap his hand away.
Jabari laughs, keeping his head tilted back.
"You didn't have to punch me, though."
"I was gonna hit you regardless." I chuckle, helping him up the steps.
Jabari, arm draped over my shoulders, erupts with that obnoxious ass laugh I haven't heard in months. I'll admit, I kind of missed it.
"Wait, h-hey," I hear Morgan chirp in my ear despite me trying my hardest to act like I didn't see her standing there.
I swallow hard, barely turning my head to face her on my left.
"I'm happy you two made up, but what about us? Can we talk now?" She wonders, arms crossed over her chest.
"I-" I start to give her an answer. Any answer, really, whatever I can make up.
Jabari cuts me off, though, saying, "My nose is bleeding. It's like what's that movie— The Shining."
I look to Morgan hoping the dramatized concern in my eyes is enough for her to let me go.
It is.
She relaxes her posture, arms swinging by her sides, and exhales deeply.
"Fine..." she sighs, talking to the back of my head as I walk away, tuning out whatever she says next.
Jabari's laughter doesn't fail to make me join in.
I hang my head, trying to calm down from this laughing fit, but his reaction made my joke even funnier.
"Damn, I missed you, boy." Jabari says out of no where.
"Don't be corny, bitch." I wave him off.
Jabari snickers, flicking a sunflower seed at me.
"For real," he says more sincerely, "it wasn't right having you gone. I was mad at you but when I heard you was missing, it fucked me up. I couldn't help but think I had something to do with you tweaking."
I clench my jaw, taking in his sentiments.
He didn't run me off, but I suppose his actions didn't exactly help me either. Still, I won't let him know what sent me over the edge. Can't have him deal with all that, I need to take accountability.
"Nah, man. Just— just needed to clear my head." I say as I push mine into the wall behind me.
I look up to the ceiling and gulp.
"You sure we good?" He asks for the third time in the past two hours.
I suck my teeth. "You ask again and we won't be, motherfucker."
Jabari's response is laughter. He throws his hands up, chewing the sunflower seeds, and grins.
"Alright, I'm just making sure. So, you good?"
I crack a laugh. "Man, I can't take you seriously with this tampon in your nose."
Jabari flips me off from the other side of the family room. "I heard it works."
To answer his question, I nod my head before my brain even has a chance to tell me how I feel.
"I'm alive."
Jabari shakes his head with a straight face. "Nah, but like, you okay? Mentally, and shit. As men I know it's hard for us to say when we not all there. Personally, that shit with Jasmine had me fucked up. I think if I ain't have no weed, shit, I would've crashed out, too."
I say nothing, just listen.
"Speaking of, I'm 'bout to roll up. You wanna match?"
I shake my head no. Sniffing, I say, "I don't think I'm gonna touch that shit again."
"...Not for a while." I add, my voice still hoarse. It's been like this for a week, I think I fucked it up for good. Morgan will probably hate that, she loves the way I talk, I don't know how she'll feel about me permanently sounding like I have a cold. I sound like an old black jazz singer, or some Old Spice commercial dickhead.
Watching Jabari dig for a bag of weed in his 'Denim Tears' pants pocket, I notice him suddenly look past me and do a double take.
Not this, I think in my head as I bury it in my hands.
Jabari, on her side, stands to clear his throat.
He takes a quick glance at me then swings his fist into his other hand.
"I don't smoke in the house, for real, so ima be outside if y'all need me," JB makes up, exiting smoothly.
As he slides out, Morgan strolls further inside. Her arms are folded but not for long.
When she tries looking me in the eyes, mine dart somewhere else. I can't look at her, she's too beautiful to hurt. I've done enough. If I fall into the trap of looking her in the eyes, I'll tell her everything I've done which is nothing she needs the burden of knowing. And her glittering, trace-inducing eyes will make me ask for forgiveness which I also don't deserve.
Morgan, standing several feet away, flails her arms.
She's upset? Well, what did I expect? She's been kind of hot-and-cold all day from what I motives whenever I did steal a look at her.
"Are you done avoiding me?" Her voice is breathy like I remember.
"I haven't been avoiding you." I lie. I know it's a lie and so does she.
"You haven't even said 'hi' to me."
I clench my jaw and pause for a beat.
"Hi." I finally tell her.
Morgan laughs sarcastically. "You go missing for almost a month, and I show up here, and you expect everything to be swept under the rug? Talk to me."
"What the fuck do you want me to say?" I mumble, looking at the floor beneath our feet.
"What the fuck do I want you to say?!" She mocks me, repeating what I said so she can grasp the fact I actually just asked that.
"How about you explain to me where you've been!" Now she's yelling. I hate when she yells. Not because it's unattractive or I don't think I deserve it, but because I never want to see her upset and it takes a lot to get her worked up.
"How about you start by saying sorry to me for having to call everyone and cancel our wedding. I would've been walking down the aisle right now!" She roars from the pit of her stomach. It's the loudest I've ever heard her, and the angriest. Although, shit, I say that every time she yells at me. I think it's because I constantly top myself each time, like it's a game - how disappointed will she be in me this time?
"Sorry." Is all I can say, picking the skin on my hands to focus on that rather than giving her the decency of eye contact.
"You're sorry? Oh okay, let me just pack up and go back home since you're sorry."
"You leave me, after writing a note like that, and you think I give a fuck about you being sorry-" I cut her off there.
Pushing off of my old knees to stand, I let out a breath. "I have been drunk or high— or dunk and high— for the last," I pause to vibrate my lips as I think. "two weeks."
I have extremely high doubts about telling her the rest of this story but fuck it, I'll give her what she came for: the truth.
"Honestly, I probably even cheated on you when I was high, but don't worry because I don't even think it was with a woman. Frankly, Morgan, I've been fucked up. You can blame me for it, yeah, make that judgemental face. Yup, that's the one." I snap my fingers when her face frowns up like I knew it would.
Before, all she wanted was for me to look her in the eye and now that I am, after saying all that, she can't even look at me.
At this confession, I replace the brisk silence with hysterical laughter.
Weak, I stumble into the wall and find myself in a wooden chair for support.
"God." I breathe out, rubbing my knees.
Coming down, I breathe deeply through my nose and then scratch the beard growing down my neck.
"This isn't okay, Chris. W-why couldn't you just come home and tell me?" She asks, shaking her head.
"Because look at you," I gulp. "you're crying. The last thing I ever want is you being upset, worrying about me. It's all you do. How could I face you after something like that?"
Morgan can't answer. She tries hard to not let a tear fall but defiantly, one rolls down her cheek anyway.
"I'm a terrible person..." I go on to say, staring blankly past her body. "I'm a terrible person and I don't deserve you. How long do you have to stay around before you realize I'M NOT GOOD FOR YOU?!" The sudden upward spike in my volume makes Morgan shut her eyes tight. More tears fall but she conceals her glossy, swollen lips for a second.
Walking closer to me, she says, "You don't get to bail yourself out of this by saying you don't deserve me. It has never worked and it's not going to now. I don't have time for this, just come on, we have a wedding to plan."
I watch her walk around the couch and grab her purse. When she puts it over her shoulder and heads for the door, I realize she's serious.
I don't mean to, but I laugh. "You still want to marry me?"
Morgan inhales deeply, frustrated now. "We're getting married, Chris. Y-yes, I still want to marry you." She says it like I'm dumb.
"I have a kid," I state frankly, "by Sabrina. She's alive... and she gave birth to my kid." Saying it out loud doesn't make me believe it anymore.
Morgan's eyelids flicker rapidly like she's malfunctioning, trying to comprehend this. "I just can't believe this," she whispers to herself.
"I'm sorry."
"Stop saying that." Morgan sits across from me at the table with tight lips, her long fingers pressed to them as she seemingly has a deep thought.
I sit back and wait for her to say something. Anything.
After a long excruciating silence, Morgan says, "Well you have to keep him, right?"
"No." I object crisply.
Morgan rolls her eyes, not believing that. "There's a reason you didn't come straight home and tell me; you want to keep him." She gathers.
Not opposed to her theory, only upset she's smart enough to realize it, I tap my knuckles on the tabletop.
"I don't want to raise the child Sabrina forced on me, but I do want to take care of this baby that has my DNA," I admit.
"So, yes." Morgan confirms.
She tilts her neck and pulls her hair over to one side before exhaling and clasping her hands back to her mouth.
Understanding how fucking stupid I sound saying this to my fiancé, I change my mind.
"I won't do it if-"
"You know I wouldn't want you not to raise your child." Morgan says then pauses, "Is Sabrina out of the picture, tell me now?"
"Yes." I answer without hesitation. "Of course she is."
"I mean, completely?" Morgan warns.
"Apparently she's dying, so." I clear my throat.
"You sound upset." Morgan notices, an eyebrow raised, ready to interrogate me.
"No, just confused. I don't know what to do; doing the right thing seems like someone will still get hurt. If I take the baby, what if you resent him? But if I don't, then he'll resent me. I don't know him, yet, so I know I shouldn't care about that, but I do. I don't want my kid out there one day, hating me. Shit, with our luck, he'll come trying to kill me in twenty years."
"It's your choice, Chris. He's not my son." Morgan swallows hard then quickly wipes a tear away as if she doesn't want me to see her crying.
"This is exactly what I didn't want," I grumble, burying his head in his hands.
I sit up, frustrated, and grip my hair in my fists.
"I'm trying to be strong and supportive because I know you didn't want this kid, but it fucking hurts. I cant act like this is something I'm willing to do." Morgan's voice shakes as she fights off the emotion but it only makes me break down with me.
"I'm sorry, I can't—" she cries and storms out of the townhouse.
"Morgan, wait!" I shout after her, jogging to catch up to her down the sidewalk.
"Morgan, listen-" I grab her so she can stop and hear me out but she snatches away.
Holding her stomach, Morgan looks down and sniffles.
"I thought I was pregnant the other day, I wanted to be so bad. I took a test, and I'm not. I, uh, went to the doctor..."
"What'd they say?" I sound excited because I am.
She shakes her head, eyes pink and puffy.
"They said it's possible that something may have been messed up after the abortion."
My angered reaction is quickly trumped by my need to comfort Morgan first.
"I'm sorry, baby. But there's a chance, right?" I ask, rubbing her shoulders.
Morgan sniffles again, then walks fast in the opposite direction with her arms folded and head down.
"Morgan, stop. W-where are you going? Wait, just talk to me, please!" I plead, chasing her down.
"You wanted a child, I can't have any, and God gave you one anyway. Congratulations."
I wet my lips before speaking, trying to think of what to say to appease her. "I didn't want this, you know that. I won't take the kid in if it will hurt our relationship."
"Our relationship? It wouldn't be us if there wasn't some shit getting in the way! It's like a never-ending cycle."
"And I started that cycle." I verbalize.
"With no way to fix it." Morgan agrees. Ouch.
"The only thing I can think of is to not be together, but you know that's not happening." I hope she knows that's not happening.
Morgan hunches one shoulder, trying hard not to look at me now. "Love can only take us so far... maybe we're not supposed to be together?" She suggests.
I furrow my eyebrows, devastated. "How could you say that?"
"I'm not saying we're not soulmates or whatever, but for some cosmic reason, we can't seem to get it together to save our lives. I think it would save us a lot of heartbreak if we... just... stopped." I can hear it in her voice she doesn't believe what she's saying, and neither do I.
"I can't live without you, Morgan." I say her full name so she knows I'm serious.
"And I don't want to live without you, but what, are we just supposed to be a big, happy family?"
"Why not? We have a baby, I'm the father, you're the mother? Isn't that what we wanted?"
Morgan scoffs, her tongue-in-cheek as she glances away folds her arms. "Did she name him?"
"Hayes." I let her know.
Morgan sighs, "Do you like it?"
"I don't know yet," I profess, squinting my eyes under the late July sun. "I haven't seen him."
Morgan nods her head.
After a deep inhale, she pulls the purse over her shoulder, sniffles and says, "Let's go see him."