So, hello :3 I hope your not to pissed at me, but if so I definitely understand why you would be. After all, not even a full 2 weeks before I disappeared for what felt like a decade I said that I would be hunkering down and writing as much as possible. This obviously didn't happen lol. Firstly, let me say with 100% confidence that the reason I disappeared was not because I got burnt out on this story. I know that sounds like a complete impossibility, but I promise that the entire time I was away from the story all I could really think about was coming back. I feel so fucking terribly horrible about not writing all this time because of all of you who look forward to seeing this story completed.
Although getting burnt out was not one of the factors of my temporary departure, a whole lot of other shit was. All of them were pretty personal, but one of them was extremely personal and made getting back to writing extraordinarily difficult. If I were to summarize everything that made writing damn near impossible I'd put them into four simple categories. Mental Shit, Life Shit, Gender, and Food.
I don't really wanna get into the nitty gritty too much since obviously this is all pretty personal to myself and I'd like to keep a lot of it private, but I still feel you all deserve an explanation so I'll tell as much as I can. For starters, let me tell you that it was pretty much set in stone that I would've been taking a month and a half long break regardless of the additional issues. The reason for this long as break (that I completely forgot to announce to all of you btw I'm so fucking sorry) was because I was streaming. Not only was I streaming, but I was preparing to do a damn near month long marathon of "Speedrunning One Piece" which was basically just catching up to the most recent episode as fast as possible. This meant pretty much no sleep, no breaks, and no life until it was completed. Stupid I know, but I kinda just felt like doing it so I did.
Obviously, I did indeed complete the task and because of a few power outages I was forced to take a couple few day long breaks before starting back up again which made the whole thing take like 30 days. But, the official time for the speed run, which accounted for all the time spent with the timer running while the run was still going on, came out to 20 days. These were the final splits if you care: Also, the entire streamed speedrun is on my Twitch if you wanna see it for whatever reason. My ugly ass face is in those videos to so be warned.
So, the literal day I finished the damn thing was January 10th, my birthday. Needless to say I didn't feel like doing shit for a while after the grueling month that was this dumbass Event, and that's what I decided to do. I took a long mental break from everything until my final semester of college started. That is to say, Life Shit. School this last semester was a royal pain in my ass from Day fucking 1. By far the hardest and most tedious schooling I had ever experienced in my life. I was basically given a whole ass job that I should've been paid for in 2 of my classes and the other ones were all old school paper tests that you have to read half the goddamn text book 50 times if you wanted to get a single question right. It was hell. But under normal circumstances I can still handle that shit and write a good amount at the same time. Key words being 'under normal circumstances'.
Needless to say, there were a metric fuck ton of 'Life Shit' events that were bombarding me on what felt like the daily that absolutely destroyed my Mental Health. I mean I was, and to a certain degree am, in a fucking gutter mentally. I'm not gonna list them because obvi its personal, but just know that it was all not very cash money. This leads me into the whole 'Mental Shit' portion of the problem which was essentially just really bad depression. My depression pretty much destroyed my ability to do anything at all other than the bare-minimum which was my university work. I couldn't will myself to play a simple game let alone focus hard enough to write an entire chapter of a book.
For pretty much 4 months, from January to April, I couldn't do anything but homework and sleep. And I promise it was not from lack of effort. The next chapter your about to read has been written and rewritten over 14 times. Every time I tried to get back to writing the Chapter ended up being a pile of incomprehensible garbage. And I mean that literally. Not even in the 'I'm being way to hard on myself' kinda way. I literally mean that I tried to go back and re-read the mania induced writings of chapter 77 and I couldn't understand what the fuck was supposed to be happening. So, I rewrote it and rewrote it and rewrote it, until I gave up. It just wasn't working.
I even tried to write something separate. A sweet little One-Shot that would help me soothe my brain and ease me back into the writing process, but even that didn't work. It was like I completely lost the ability to write anything. All the ideas, words, concepts, and technique were still active in my brain, but whenever I was able to force myself out of bed and glue myself down into my chair to write something nothing worked. My heart and soul was more than willing, borderline aching for the chance to Create, but my mind wouldn't let that shit happen.
Each 'writing' session ended with me more dreadful and depressed than the last and I relapsed heavily on my more maladaptive coping mechanisms to deal with the pain it brought. Trust me. I tried so fucking hard, but nothing worked. I've never felt so hopeless in my life. And still this writing issue was only egged on further by the next major issue I've been tackling in my life for a fairly long time, but it only truly reared its head over the past year. Gender.
I don't wanna get to detailed with my story and everything that I've had to deal with this year because my Gender and Sexuality, but it has been a very deep struggle. However, I would like to start with this. I am a Transgender Woman. I've known this to be true for a long time, but it wasn't until this year that I've actually accepted this part of me and acted on it. Though I feel like this is a great thing that I've finally accepted this as a part of me, and this should really be a thing to celebrate, it probably couldn't have come at a worse time in my life.
I was graduating, and have now graduated, college and as I moved into the work force it which brought its own powerful stressors and anxieties with it. However, on top of it, trying to socially transition is fucking terrifying. Dealing with the possibilities of being mistreated in the workplace or even being outright denied work opportunities because of me being trans is a deep-seated fear of mine which isn't an outlandish possibility in my state. Plus, I am already a black masculine presenting person which makes it the whole corporate American work thing hard enough already.
So, I decided to delay my social transition until later in life when I'm a bit more stable, but that comes with its own debilitating issues. They mostly boil down to dealing with debilitating dysphoria in nearly all aspects of life. I can't go a day without the feeling that I'll never be a woman shredding my heart like its paper and ripping out my damn soul like a Mortal Kombat fatality. The only way I could cope is through extreme sleep (like 16-20hrs a day), restrictive eating (the food problem), and SH, which are not exactly good things. I've tried other shit, but it just doesn't do anything to help. I've kinda just been coping hard.
Plus, my family isn't exactly 'accepting' of the fact that I am Pansexual, so the Transgender thing was super out of the question. They are very openly Homophobic and Transphobic so home life has been a big struggle for me that hasn't at all helped my Mental Health. They of course don't really know (even if I did drunkingly out myself once, she aint believe me or know what I was even talking about) and while its a good thing it also sucks that I have nobody to tell or care. Getting any support from them, or anyone else matter fact, in my situation has been and will forever be impossible.
This then brings me back to the writing problem. As you all know, this book is a Male Reader fic. It started that way and will forever be that way. And 'I' am the one that created it. Though mindlessly and impulsively on that fateful February night. I guess in many ways I could look at this fic as the last bastion of my connection to manhood, but in that same way this fic brings me so much pain. I get so dysphoric at the thought of me being the one that created this thing or even trying to continue writing it. This overwhelmingly masculine piece of work that I feel doesn't have a smidge of myself inside of it.
In no way was this something of MY own making. I, ME, the Woman didn't lay hands on this creation. Instead, it functions like a projection of what I believe I should've been. Powerful, invulnerable, masculine male taking on the world with a gaggle of women at his back, pining after even the thought of him at all times. But for the longest time I haven't thought this way: Not about how I was supposed to be as a 'man', not about the very concept of any masculine person, or even the very idea of an ideal man in reality or fiction. So instead of being proud of this great work that I spent less than a year creating, putting so much time and effort into, and making The Awakened One as good as I could possibly make it, it makes me feel... disgusted.
I know its a work of fiction, just a thing that I made, words on a page with no deeper meaning, and I should be able to separate/disassociate my own thoughts and feelings from it in this way, but I just can't. It's so hard considering how much I've been reflecting on every little detail of my life up until this point. Critiquing every thought, action, outfit, spoken word, and damn near everything else I've ever done trying to somehow retroactively turn my past into something........ better. Anything but the numb, wasted, masculinized mess that it is. And this story is an active reminder of it. Probably even the most glaring one.
However, I think that as of late I've learned to accept this story for what it is in some ways and can sort of separate myself 'the lady' from myself 'the person that created the idea and wrote the words down for this book'. I know I'm not the same as the person who originally started this work and its because of this that I can look back on it so critically, but it is still extremely difficult to remain apart of, and continue expanding, this work that the me now didn't sanction.
If any of that makes sense.
So, I absolutely have the deepest desire to continue this work regardless of the personal issues that I have with it. Which is great! However, there is another major issue that I've been trying to tackle lately and it has a helleva lot more to do with my physical health and actual ability than everything else. Food. More specifically the lack of eating the shit. To keep this shit as concise as possible I'll just tell you that I have Anorexia Nervosa mostly due to my disdain for my own body type (Body Dysmorphia) and Masculine appearance (Dysphoria). So, like, the reason I haven't been able to get back to writing throughout this summer and beyond is because I have been in and out of the hospital because of this illness.
The restrictive eating has gotten so bad that I don't have the energy to physically do anything other than lay around in bed all day and force myself to exercise whenever I feel like I accidentally ate to much (aka every time I eat). I've passed out more times than I can count. And though most times they were in safe places, sometimes they were in bad places like the middle of the forest which led to me getting hospitalized n shit like that. As of right now, I am in 'recovery' or whatever the fuck that means, but I'm actively trying to use this story as a way to support myself positively. I just feel like the interaction that I get from you all reading the story makes me feel so encouraged to do better!
Don't worry, I probably won't be dead or anything any time soon. I'm getting the help I need for everything (kinda) and I'm doing much better now than I was during the summer and fall (kinda). So, even though life has been bullshit Imma try my best to keep moving.
Regardless, I made a promise. A promise that I plan on keeping as long as I am able. I am going to complete this story no matter what. I hate incomplete fics as much as the next person and I'm not going to leave you all hanging for any longer than I already have. I want this done for anyone who will find and enjoy it in the future, the people that have been reading since the start, and the ones that left after I disappeared but may eventually come back to see its conclusion.
So, I forced myself down and agonizingly re-read every single word of the story while taking notes on every single plot point and where they will eventually conclude. Detailing everything I could so I could come back and start writing right where I initially left off. Though it will be more difficult than ever, and it might become a worse fic for it, I am still going to be putting forth as much effort as I possibly can into finishing what I started.
I have no idea how long it will take. I don't have a consistent upload schedule in mind. I don't even know if the usual chapter format will be adhered to at all. But, I am going to write this story as often as I can and see it through until the end.
Thank you for you patience, and thank you for reading!
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|#!PLEASE READ!#|
I wrote the above text for the first time in September of 2023 and I went back to edit and add stuff many times over the course of the fall season. And I'm sorry to say that everything got worse. Anorexia Nervosa, Chronic Major Depressive Disorder, Severe Anxiety Disorder, Complex PTSD, and Gender Dysphoria are all the diagnosis I've received, and they display a small fraction of the terrible mental wellbeing I have endured for my entire life. I literally cannot do this shit anymore. I quit.
I promise I had every intention of finishing this story, creating something I could be proud of, and more importantly something that you all could enjoy reading. But instead, I no longer have the will to live past the age of 22. January 10th is my birthday. My final birthday. I know that it's a decent amount of time away and I still have time to 'get help' and 'turn my life around' or whatever, but I don't have a future. There is nothing for me. I'm done. I'm sorry. I tried my best with therapy, behavioral health facilities, residential treatment centers, and forced inpatient, but nothing has helped. So, unfortunately, I have no choice but to end this.
But even though I'm finished with this life that doesn't mean that I want to leave you all worse off. I still want to provide you all some kind of conclusion or closure with this story. So, not only will I have this story marked as completed and will be leaving it up for adoption for anyone to continue this story as they please, there is something else that I can provide you. My notes.
I have written a very long, very detailed, very time consuming document along side this story where I basically outline everything that I had planned for this story. Every plot points conclusion, every mysteries solution, and most of what I think I would've ended up writing for this story. So, if you want to read it, you can. It'll be posted after these last two chapters, alongside a small goodbye message and your opportunity to adopt the story. I am once again sorry that I couldn't provide you all with something special, but I hope this will give you some closure.
Wishing you all the best,
Love Synova :3