a/n - for context this is after the first night they stayed in bed together when Ame talked about her parents and Leah originally apologised to her.
Leah's POV:
When i woke up in the morning i was in the best mood i had been in for a while. I looked over to see Ame fast asleep next to me. She looked so cute all wrapped up in the duvet. I watched her sleep for a bit but as time went on i started to feel worse and worse about the whole situation. She looked so peaceful right now and that is something I can safely say i have never made her feel. I know that we made up last night and i apologised for being a dick but i cant help but feel like it wasn't enough. I have never been nice to her before and for her to forgive me so easily and open up to me, i don't think i deserve that. I tried to drown out the voices in my head telling me that i'm not good enough but i just cant let it go.
I decided it was best if i got up and left the room before she wakes up because she is clearly better off without me. Once i was ready i went to leave but my body wouldn't move. I was just stuck still, watching her sleep. I don't know what came over me but i felt the urge to go over to check on her. Why am i worried about her she told me she was fine? After satisfying the voices in my head, without even thinking i kissed her on her forehead. It was just reflex but I surprised myself with that one. I saw her start to move around as if she was going to wake up so i quickly slipped out of the room and reminded myself why i had to ignore her today.
I have no idea where to go it's so fucking early in the morning but i know i can't stay in that room so i decide to just start walking. I end up outside and watch the sunrise from one of the pitches. I tried to put Ame out of my mind, but nothing's working. I don't understand why i'm so fixated on her all of a sudden. I had no problem being a dick to her yesterday why is today any different. I returned inside to go and get breakfast now that it was a slightly more appropriate time but as I approached the room I saw Ame already there. I don't think I can face her this early with so little people around, it would be too difficult to ignore her so I decide to skip breakfast and head back to the room to grab things i need for training later.
After about 20 minutes I decided I would join some of the other girls who were going to the gym to stretch before training. As I walk in I accidentally make direct eye contact with Ame. Fuck. She gives me a soft smile. I want to return it so badly but i know that i am making the right decision by ignoring her so i just turn away and ignore the interaction, getting as far away as physically possible from her.
The day went painfully slow. Training was okay but i could've done better if i wasn't so distracted by the Ame situation. I tried avoiding her all day until i physically couldn't. She ran out of the relaxation room giggling and bumped straight into me. What are the fucking chances of that, it's like the world is out to get me today. I try to brush off the interaction and get out of there as quickly as possible but i hear her calling after me. I picked up the pace a bit hoping that she would give up, but she doesn't. As much as i wanted to fully ignore her and walk off something in me just wouldn't let me, incase i cause her more pain. That is the last thing i want to do.
I gave her very brief replies until i saw my chance to get out of there and took it cutting her off mid sentence and walking off. I spent the rest of the evening avoiding her until i couldn't anymore as it was time to go to bed.
Thankfully when i returned to the room Ame wasn't back and i was hoping i could get ready quickly and get into bed before she returned so that i could just pretend i was asleep, but i heard the door to our room open while i was still in the bathroom. Fuck well that plan is out the window. I finish getting ready but just kind of stand in the bathroom preparing myself to brush off any conversation she might try to make and just get into bed as quickly as possible. When i leave the room though she doesn't say anything. She seems really focused on whatever she is writing. This is the second night in a row that she has sat down before bed to write something.
I have no idea what it is and as much as i want to ask her, i remind myself that ignoring her is what is best. I watch her carefully finish what she is doing and as she makes her way over to her bed i turn the light off. I should be happy i mean my plan is working and she didn't even try to speak to me, but i feel shit. I really want to say more and make it up to her but equally i know that she deserves better. Eventually i cant take it anymore and i have to say something.
"Ame?" i call out to her.
"oh so now you want to talk to me when i am trying to go to sleep" she snapped. Maybe saying anything to her wasn't such a good idea, i have clearly just made it worse. I can't do anything right with her. I remind myself why i am ignoring her, this isn't about me its about what is best for her so i mumble to her
"right uhhh never mind then i guess"
I turn over to try and get as much distance from her as i can to stop me from getting tempted to speak again. She doesn't give up though.
"What do you want Leah?" she is definitely pissed and she has every right to be. I keep fucking things up so i let her tone slide because i'm in no place to call her out for anything.
I try one more time to get her to leave it alone "just forget it" i really regret saying anything.
"don't do that Leah. If there is something you want to say to me just say it. Don't act like you are going to and then tell me to forget it". She's right. Of course she's right again! I should have never said anything in the first place but now i have it's only fair that i follow it through.
"okay fine sorry" i tried to be as submissive as possible with my tone, i don't want to make her even more mad. I paused trying to think about what to say, how to say it, i don't want to get this wrong again.
I finally come out with "i'm sorry for ignoring you" i turned to face her again in the darkness.
I hear her turn to face me too. This time she speaks more calmly "why have you been?"
As much as i want to tell her all these things, about how she is so much better off without me and how i don't deserve her i don't want to make it about me anymore.
"i don't know" just kind of slips out whilst my thoughts run wild.
"well when you figure that out let me know" fuck. She is pissed again, why can't i just get this right. Just once. Just as i am about to give up and leave it she speaks again.
"fuck i'm sorry that was so unnecessary".
The truth is that it isn't unnecessary. She deserves to be angry, i have got everything wrong. For some reason i can't take it anymore. The distance, the not knowing how she feels about it. I just want to make her feel better again so i decide she deserves the truth. Against all the voices in my head i get up and sit on the edge of her bed. What the actual fuck am i doing?
"I lied. I do know why i ignored you" i mumbled kinda hoping she wouldn't hear. I really hate talking about my feelings.
"Okay". She says it in such a calm tone that i can't help but feel even worse. This girl is so nice and i have repeatedly made her feel like shit.
"I just, i thought you seemed happier today when you were talking with everyone else and on Keira's story. You never look that happy talking to me, i have only ever upset you or wound you up so i thought you would be better off if i left you alone" i finally let out. I can feel the tears forming in my eyes. I hate everything about this. How i made her feel, how i have to talk about my feelings. Everything.
"Leah I thought we got over that all yesterday. You apologised, we're all good mate"
I don't know why but that comment made me feel even worse. I hate that she called me mate. It's not like it is a bad thing to call someone, i have never cared when other people call me that, why is it bothering me?
"i know i'm just really sorry" i can't do this. I need to get out of this conversation before i fully start crying. I always end up crying when i have to talk about my feelings. It makes me feel so vulnerable and anxious because i don't want the other person to think i'm pathetic or judge me. I hate not knowing what other people are thinking.
As i get up to leave she grabs my arm and i let her, sitting back down on the bed. I want to leave but somehow her grabbing my arm is enough to make me stay. Her touch is enough to make me stay.
"Leah we are fine i swear. I liked speaking to you yesterday and i want to continue to do that so please stop ignoring me".
She liked it? How could she have enjoyed speaking to me i have been so horrible. I was getting so overwhelmed by everything and tears began to fall from my face, thank god the light is off. I desperately did not want her to know but a whimper slipped out. I went to get up and leave, i can't handle this conversation any longer, but as i do she turns the light on. I instantly look away. The last thing i want is for her to see me cry, it is so embarrassing.
"NO Ame turn that off" god this couldn't get any worse.
She tells me to look at her but i just shake my head. The fact that she clearly knows is making my breathing pick up. I DEFINITELY don't want to have a panic attack in front of her. I was wrong. This has got so much worse than when she turned the light on.
"Please" her voice was laced with worry. As much as i didn't want to give in i couldn't resist trying to make her feel better even though i felt so bad myself so i looked back at her. She gently grabbed my arm pulling me towards her and wrapped me in a tight hug stroking my head. Something about this calmed my breathing down instantly, she feels so safe.
"hey don't cry what's wrong"
"i'm just such a terrible person" i couldn't hold back anymore. The safety of her hug made me break down completely.
"no you aren't love." LOVE. Why is she calling me love now? Two minutes ago it was mate. Why did this name make me feel so good?
I brushed this off and continued "yes i am i've been awful to you. You never did anything to me but i've always been so mean to you"
"Leah i'm a big girl i can handle it" she shouldn't have to "handle" it though. I never should have treated her that way in the first place. Why is she being so nice when all i have ever done is be horrible.
"yeah but you have gone through so much already and i'm just adding to it" i honestly don't know if mentioning her parents was a good idea but in the moment i just said it.
"seriously Leah i'm fine, you aren't a horrible person, you didn't even know. I promise you we are okay, i am okay." Why is she being so understanding, it shouldn't matter if i know what she has gone through it still doesn't give me the right to be awful to someone.
She doesn't say anything else and I can't bring myself to either. She continues to hold me, stroking me hair and my back. It feels so good and within a few minutes i calm down. I decide that we both need to stay like this tonight, so without saying anything i get up, turn the light off again and get back into her bed. I want to hold her now. I want to make her feel better. I get close to her and wrap my arm around her waist holding on tightly, and move my head into the crook of her neck. Something about this feels so right and so good and i don't know why. After such a draining day the thoughts do nothing to my ability to sleep and within minutes i pass out.
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a/n sorry i have been gone for the last few days i know i said i would upload but i got so busy. Sorry!
I know this chapter is kind of a repeat but i wanted to explore both sides of how they were feeling during their conversation so i decided to follow the last part. I hope you guys still like it and i will try to put out another part either later tonight or tomorrow after work :)