His monitor beeped.
Over, and over, an over again.
Just a tiny little noise that would determine if my father continued to breathe.
"Please wake up soon" My thumb ran up and down his cold hand.
He hurt you, why do you still love him so much?
I shouldn't. My mind told me I shouldn't forgive him and I shouldn't waste my time on a man who wasted years smacking his kids around.
But my heart told me something different, my heart told me that he was still my dad, he was still my dad and he was trying to change.
He was gonna change.
"Ma'am"? The nurse id learned to call 'Bee' entered. A clip board to her chest and hair up in a smooth, tight bun.
She couldn't have been much older than me and so far she was the nicest one in the place.
"Yeah"? I replied, my eyes begging to close.
"Visiting hours are over," She frowned.
I removed my hand from his, wiping the sweat off on my jeans.
"Oh,.. Um I'm not visiting. I'm gonna stay with him."
She chewed her lip and nodded slightly before walking an sitting by me in another chair.
Her legs crossed.
"Willow right"?
I nodded.
"I'm Bee, as you know already and I've worked here for three years now."
I had no idea where she was going with this.
"Listen kiddo, I've seen things like this happen more than anyone should and I've seen family members or friends sit and wait for days, weeks, some end up moving in until the loved one wakes up. I'm not gonna sugar coat anything, you know it's a half chance he's going to wake up and a half chance he wont... I've seen people throw there lives away hoping and praying for something that may not happen. I can tell just by looking at you, the way you look at your father.. Your not gonna leave him. I get that, but think about it this way. When your dad wakes up, he's gonna ask what he's missed right"?
I nodded.
"What are you gonna tell him? Nothing? Because you sat here and you waited for him while the world flew past you. Honey, you can be here every day and visit him but you have a life of your own. I'd listen to that man of yours as well"
She half smiled, before standing up and heading out.
I sat for a moment.
She was right.
Shawn was right.
Fuck.. I needed to find Shawn.
.....
"What's the big deal anyway? She hated him last week" I shook my head, tipping the bottle of vodka back, letting the poison slowly invade my blood.
"It's still her dad, Shawn you don't get what it use to be like for her" Ally frowned, running her fingers up and down Ian's arm as he chugged a Budweiser and squished the soon empty can together.
"They use to be a happy family, I get that. I try to help her and sometimes.. Sometimes she just pushes me away"
I never did this, I never spilled out was I was feeling to anyone beside Willow really.
But I was angry and I was frustrated and I needed someone to bitch at.
"Who does that sound like? You wouldn't let her anywhere near you when you first met" Ian popped up, resting his hand on Als thigh.
I slouched back in the couch, removing eye contact from them.
I did push her away, I wanted nothing to do with Willow because I couldn't keep myself from her.
I didn't know what I was feeling but I learned that if I ever lost that, I would be worse than how she found me.
"She's been driving me crazy lately and it's only been a few months" I admitted, picking at my hands.
No one was supposed to love and hate each other this much.
"She loves you, you love her. You guys just clash because you've both never had this before. Don't jump to conclusions"
The problem was, as much as I craved Willow, as much as I hated the thought of anyone else having her and as much as I wanted to care and protect her.. I was starting to believe we disliked more things about each other than we liked.
"Maybe we need a few days"
"You just were gone for a week Shawn"
"Hello"?
Her voice interrupted my thoughts and her skinny frame let herself in my home.
She was pale and shaky.
Still red eyed with blotches.
"Hey pretty lady" Ally quickly jumped up, wrapping her arms around Willow and kissing her forehead.
"I'm so sorry, things will be okay" Willow nodded as a thank you towards her best friend.
Ian stood up as well.
"I'm sorry, I hope he's okay"
"Thanks Ian" She spoke, giving them each a little wave as they brought themselves up stairs.
"Can we talk"? She gently sat beside me, she had to have lost weight the last few days and I was just now noticing.
"Listen.. I'm sorry, I'm sorry about what I said" Her eyes wondered the carpet so eventually I picked her chin up with my hand like I'd always do to help her focus.
"It was wrong of me Shawn.. I was just scared. I am scared" I couldn't help but feel my stomach clench at how badly she was shaking.
This girl was a fucking work of art that had been scratched and bumped and was trying her godamn best to put the pieces back together but the world had other ideas.
"Not only am I scared about my dad but I'm scared about me and Pen, I'm scared about how the hell im gonna raise a five year old. But most importantly I'm scared about us."
"We're pretty insane huh"?
I watched her blue eyes wonder after I spoke.
"We are" There was the smallest laugh which gave me some hope.
"I don't want to loose you Shawn, I love you so fucking much but I'm a godamn package. I have so much shit going on And I hate that you have to deal with that too"
She was tearing and it worried but about what she would say next.
"I don't want to hurt you anymore"
"Hurt me? When have you hurt me? Willow I get that we are crazy fucking teenagers that need a lot of work and I'll be honest, before you walked in I wanted to take a break. I wanted both of us to be able to breathe. But seeing you.. Just reminded me how much we need each other"
She shook her head.
She shook her head and she cried.
"I can't"
"You can't? You can't what"
"I can't do this to you."
I grabbed her arm but she pulled it away.
"We can do this. We can make it work Will"
"Not now Shawn. We cannot make this work with everything that's going on. Maybe.." She choked on her words, literally gasping for air.
"Maybe we do need a break."