A feeling as if a ray of light lifts the body.
A deep stab of memory.
When the human mind is haunted by a flashback, the soul blasts all truths free.
Distorted in time and with a storm of swirling thoughts, the body freezes.
And the memories must be pieced together like a puzzle.
Gem's hungover body is not merely subjected to the physical effects of his lifestyle that day.
His psyche gives him an unforgettable glimpse into the spheres of his unconscious.
Flashbacks tear the ground from under his feet.
And he can only extract his loss from reality.
"Gem?" a soft voice rings out in the hallway of their shared apartment, "Gem, are you awake yet?" the voice asks as Fourth sets down grocery bags in the kitchen.
And finally, Fourth can pick up his cell phone again.
And he sees so many different, stirring signs on his display.45 missed calls from Gem.
44 from last night.
He probably only tried once today.
Fourth takes a deep breath.
And he doesn't even want to look at the 12 messages he wrote him yesterday.
Not now.
Too upsetting.
And suddenly, a new message pops up on his display.
An unfamiliar number that he should quickly memorize.
'Fourth, it's Poseidon. He can't wait to pick you up again.'
And Fourth can't contain his grin as he saves Mark's number under Poseidon in his phone.
And Gem's arms, suddenly grabbing him from behind, give him a huge scare.
Gotcha.
Totally caught.
Gem's warmth and scent.
His strong arms wrapping around him.
Fourth's knees soften and he feels all the messengers in his body, going crazy.
"There you are!" a booze-demolished Gem growls into Fourth's ear from behind, "I sensed you were finally home," he nuzzles his face against the crook of Fourth's neck.
And Fourth holds his breath from the intense feeling flooding him.
So fiercely does his heart pound the truth into the atmosphere.
How could he take an eternity of his love for his best friend.
This love that now wraps itself around his neck like powerful claws, suffocating him.
He wants to scream.
To break free.
To yell at Gem and hurt him.
For always playing with him.
Used him as a plaything for his platonic desires.
Fourth's heart groans and his soul places itself protectively in front of it.
"Let me go!", Fourth's voice sounds suppressed.
And Gem obeys immediately.
He might want to turn around and give him a hug.
When he woke up this morning, a sledgehammer hit his skull.
Over and over.
The throbbing pain in his head, made him want to empty his stomach contents right away.
And Gem's entire body resisted the quick movement that would take him to the bathroom.
And several spasms and empty retching later, he was able to regain some control.
He washed his face and finally sat down properly on the toilet.
That's what it's for, after all.
Gem contorted his face in disgust as he peed.
He'd never felt this bad before.
No more alcohol!
And for far too long, he just sat there on the toilet.
With both hands he supported his head.
Which was lost and awkwardly sending the pain as a signal to his body.
And much too late he noticed the wet spot in his shorts.
He wrenched his eyes open as the white clues revealed a nighttime peak.
Gem's astonished face couldn't form a clear thought.
He's not a teenager anymore, after all.
A wet dream?
He can't remember anything about it.
But the teenage times still showed up present in his memory.
When he woke up in the morning.
Snuggled up to Fourth.
And the wet evidence in his shorts testified to an unruly dream.
How embarrassing.
Fourth wasn't supposed to notice.
Sure he would have smacked his face if he knew he was groping hot girls in his bed in his dreams.
But then, that was just the way it was with the body.
Gem had no control over it.
He could never remember his dreams.
They must have been very hot.
His hunger was great and the girls at that age were still very shy.
Only later as an adult did he enjoy complete devotion.
When women know what they want.
And take what he has to offer them.
And the times with the wet tracks in the morning changed.
And Gem now at 25 sat in a completely desolate state of alcohol aftermath, contemplating the hint of a wet dream on his shorts.
No memories.
Just the shame of the secret desires that showed themselves to him in the dream.
And the hot shower did Gem a lot of good.
His exhausted body dragged itself into Fourth's bedroom.
And his sad eyes did not find the sight he had hoped for.
Of course, Fourth already left.
He left him alone on the first day of the exchange meeting.
Gem clearly felt his remorse.
Fourth didn't deserve this.
And when he tried to call him, he was startled by the ringtone in the kitchen.
And that was the first moment when Gem's body was struck by lightning.
Fourth's cell phone.
An unanswered call.
An acid-sharp sensation shot through his veins and he saw flashes of himself.
How he held his cell phone to his ear surrounded by hot, stuffy air and intoxicated, dancing people.
He saw the look on his face.
Felt again the corrosive feeling of jealousy while he couldn't reach Fourth.
Flashes accompanied the feelings.
Gem felt dizzy and his legs forced him to lie down quickly.
And only one place has always been his destination when he felt weak and lonely.
He crawled into Fourth's bed and snuggled against his pillow.
The scent of his best friend rose softly to his nose, soothing his convulsing soul.
And Gem fell back asleep.
His body was catching up on the sleep of recovery.
An important sleep that would give him the strength for all the flashbacks to come.
And his soul whispered to him in his sleep.
A gentle voice that promised him his only wish.
He opened his eyes and heard sounds from the kitchen.
And his heart immediately responded to the signals from his ears.
Fourth is back.
And Gem could only move in slow motion.
Everything was humming and suffering from the effects of poisoning.
But his goal was before his eyes.
And so he dragged himself out of Fourth's room and went to the kitchen.
And the sight of his best friend's backside triggered a sea of tingles in his weak body.
And Gem is just happy to catch sight of Fourth's face and pull him into a tight hug when he turns around.
But Fourth's gaze is not given to him.
"How are you?" he asks, pulling away from Gem's proximity.
"Like shit!" he replies, walking after Fourth.
He goes to the refrigerator.
Clears it.
Pulls something out.
Goes to the sink.
And is about to get a pot from the bottom cabinet when he slams his butt into Gem, who is standing right behind him.
Gem grins and slaps him on the butt.
And Fourth's angry glare pleases him.
"What are you doing?" grumbles Fourth, pushing Gem aside, "Move over, Gem! I want to cook you something!" he grumbles.
And Gem's sleepy face forms an enchanted smile.
"Ohhhh!" he melts, "You're always my hero!" he wants to approach again, "What would I do without you?" he asks, seeking Fourth's gaze.
But Fourth pays him no attention.
Cutting board.
Knife.
And the washed vegetables should be chopped.
Quickly.
He wants to hurry.
To put on a hearty soup and offer Gem something nutritious.
To leave at last.
Fourth feels so clearly what this closeness is doing to him.
Gem's cuddly cuteness makes his soul howl.
And his body wants to give in to the nostalgic feeling again.
To let him touch him.
To let him hug him.
Feel his warmth and inhale his scent.
Fourth feels so clearly what he has successfully suppressed all these years.
And the bare truth of their boundless night screams loudly at him.
"Fourth, I'm sorry I left you alone today!", Gem thinks he knows why his best friend is so distant, "I hate myself for overdoing it with the alcohol!", he explains in a rueful voice.
And he slowly approaches from behind again.
Fourth's hands are so delicate, strong and talented.
How he draws.
Gem loves to watch him draw.
Those hands.
The way he cuts the vegetables.
Gem feels so clearly how much he misses those tender hands.
He wants to be petted and cuddled by him.
Like he always did when he came to him after his excesses.
How Fourth used to give him his tender, caring hands.
"Please forgive me!" he murmurs in Fourth's ear, "I'm an idiot and shouldn't have left you alone at the meeting today!" he sounds so sincere.
And Fourth goes all weak at the words of his great love.
They sound so sincere.
So sincere.
And his conscience calms.
Gem is his brother now, after all.
He should be able to forgive his brother for missteps.
"It's okay. I brought you a folder with the most important information and dates!", Fourth's soft voice rings out as his hands can no longer hold their focus.
His brother's scent hovers at the back of his neck and Fourth swallows down all impulse.
"Fourth!", Gem dares to wrap his arms around his soft yet strong body, "Do I get a hug?", his brother sounds so gentle and vulnerable.
And Fourth heart takes over his body.
He puts the knife down and turns to Gem with a hesitant swing.
And he finally looks into the face he drew countless times full of longing and pain.
And Gem's warm smile tickles the corner of Fourth's mouth.
His full lips settle in and he gives an enchanting smile to the man he has always adored and loved.
And Gem's eyes swim in the sight of the most beautiful perfection.
He slowly pulls Fourth to him and embraces him.
And as their warm bodies embrace, the flames of a vast universe burn high.
Their hearts beat faster and faster and their breath seeks the necessary oxygen from the suddenly new atmosphere of sensual attraction.
And as Gem loses himself more and more in the feeling of supreme happiness, Fourth is haunted by the painful memories of his eternal rejection.
He tries to break away carefully.
But Gem's arms do not release him.
Only his face is brought before his.
And the sentence his brother addresses to him causes the next lightning bolt to strike Gem's soul.
"I need you!", Gem's lips want Fourth to know.
And Fourth suddenly has to hold Gem's twitching body.
A flash of memory slams into Gem's body so violently that he can't stay on his feet.
"Gem!" cries Fourth anxiously, "Gem, what's wrong?" he holds him down.
And in those few seconds of Gem traveling the past, such intense images show themselves to him.
Fourth and him in the bathroom.
The toilet where his smudged face rests.
His Fourth's protective hands on him.
Their embrace.
And the terrible sense of loss.
And again and again, the phrase of his only truth echoes in his head.
He needs Fourth.
His closeness.
His warmth.
His body.
His soul.
And Gem can carry himself again as the flashback passes.
And finally he hears the concerned voice that's always just him.
"It's all good!" he growls, leaning his face against Fourth's chest, "It's all good! Don't worry!" he feels his best friend's racing heart.
Fourth's knees tremble with fear.
If anything happens to Gem, he won't be able to survive it.
He feels it so clearly.
An imperative in his soul knows what his mind doesn't want to know right now.
Fourth needs Gem.
He is his life.
His happiness.
His second half.
And he's so incredibly angry at that second half that hurt him so much.
"You go back to sleep and I'll finally get back to cooking!", Fourth sounds very upset.
"Okay!", Gem pouts, "But don't be mad at me, Fourthy Fourth!", he rubs his face against his best friend's fragrant chest.
"I'll take you to your room!", Fourth reaches under his arms.
"No, I want to be with you!" sulks Gem, "I'll sit here at the table and watch you!" he decides.
"You almost lost consciousness again!", Fourth voice sounds shrill and scared, "You lie down!", he demands, dragging Gem to the couch in the living room.
And as he's about to lay him down, Gem just snaps and pulls him on top of him.
And a cheeky grin is to show his success.
"Don't do that!", Fourth wants to free himself, "Get some rest! I'll put the soup on!", he gives Gem a penetrating look.
"Fourth, you're really mad at me, aren't you?" the Bad Boy shows concern.
"I just don't feel like playing!", Fourth replies sincerely, "I want to have new experiences here in New Zealand. Not play the old records again!", he explains with a deep look.
And still he lies on the body of his secret love.
Gem won't let him go.
Guess it's time for Fourth to find the right words.
"So I'm an old record, huh?", Gem looks not so childish now.
"Well, you're just used to me being your mom, your playmate, your housewife, and your pet to cuddle. But I'd like to finally be allowed to be Fourth!" he hits Gem right in the heart, "Let go of me now!" he asks seriously yet kindly.
And Gem's hands let go of him.
And Gem's body feels so heavy as Fourth steps off of him.
And Gem's soul is crushed by the sadness that overtakes him as he watches him leave.
A deep sigh echoes in the living room.
Gem has never had a hangover like this before.
Those intense flashes that irritate him so.
Feelings that suddenly appear and fade back into blinding oblivion.
Images.
What's wrong with him?
Why is he so wistful?
He could cry.
That's what it feels like.
He feels a thick lump in his throat.
Like a little kid who's lost his teat.
He wants to cry and kick his feet.
And the adult Gem is so ashamed of himself for reducing his best friend like this.
Fourth's words just now are so true and heavy.
He deserves to be carried on his hands.
And Gem can't always demand that he surrender to his desires whenever he wants to.
Shame.
Remorse.
Sadness.
Longing.
And information that still eludes his mind.
Missing pieces of the puzzle.
Gem feels so incomplete.
Something is missing.
He misses it so much that his throat constricts.
This burning longing for perfection.
He covers his head with his arms and hopes that his hangover will finally pass.
Never again alcohol!
Never again!
"Gem!" he's snapped out of his thoughts, "I've got the pressure cooker on. In 20 minutes we'll have a hearty soup with bread to fortify your body," Gem feels a deep stirring inside him.
Fourth.
"I'll hop in the shower quickly while you're waiting and get ready!", Fourth stands in front of the couch again, "You'll be able to enjoy the soup in a minute!", he gives Gem a warm smile.
And Gem's pupils abruptly enlarge as he watches Fourth disappear towards the bathroom.
A lightning bolt, this time, doesn't strike his head.
But with the most primal force of nature right into the middle of his body.
Gem's manhood straightens up plumply and sends all its greedy message into his veins.
He becomes erect and suffers a hot flashback of their lust in the shower.
Gem's breath catches as his brain plays this movie back to him.
Fourth's naked body.
His taste.
His sounds.
And he sees himself pressing up against him, hungry and in deepest arousal, devouring him.
Gem's body jolts up from the images that terrify him.
He sits upright on the couch and stares into space as he can't believe what is happening to him.
And how the brain is mixing all the different components together.
He sees the meadows of dreams with the lolling women.
Women licking and kissing each other.
And again Fourth's sensual sight.
His lust.
Gem feels his magnificence pulsing as the hot sounds of his best friend echo around in his head.
And Gem covers his ears and shakes his head.
"No! No! No!" he tries to calm himself, "You've lost your mind!" he covers his eyes, "It's the alcohol! Never again! No more alcohol!", his consciousness regains control.
And he just ignores the firm, bulging evidence of his flashback in his lap.
Gem curls up on the couch, not even daring to close his eyes.
He's too afraid of seeing that naked body again.
Fourth naked body.
"Damn it!" he breathes to himself, "What's wrong with me?" he stares into space, eyes wide.
And he is relieved when a noise, snaps him out of this disturbing trance.
Fourth's cell phone rings.
Again, it's on the kitchen counter.
And Gem wonders who is calling him.
And his knowing soul forces his repressing body to get up.
He walks slowly into the kitchen and peers at his best friend's cell phone.
Poseidon is calling.
Gem pauses.
Who is Poseidon?
And the sudden silence still echoes in Gem's head.
A absence call of Poseidon.
Gem's eyes stare at the display.
As if he's expecting an answer right away.
And the message that suddenly arrives makes Gem's soul burn.
'I just wanted to tell you that I made us sandwiches. So, don't eat so much! Poseidon's sandwiches are as powerful and tasty as the deity himself. LOL.Looking forward to it! See you soon!'
Gem's eyes won't stop reading this message over and over again.
And his feet quiver as he rushes to the bathroom door.
And without knocking, he wants to pull open the door with Fourth's cell phone in his hand.
But it is locked.
"Who's Poseidon!" the Bad Boy's deep bass quivers from behind the door.
Fourth is just getting out of the bathtub, startled by the angry sound.
And the heavy pounding on the door outrages him.
"What are you doing?" he barks at Gem, "Stop making that noise!" he demands, quickly wrapping a towel around his hips.
Shit.
How does Gem know about Poseidon?
And why is Fourth heart just racing with excitement?
"Who is Poseidon, Fourth! Answer!" the voice now quivers dangerously low.
And Fourth takes a deep breath of courage and opens the door.
Hot steam floats in front of Gem's face before it settles and he feels the sight before him enter him.
Fourth's dripping hair.
His cheeks flushed from the heat.
His naked, wet torso.
And Gem's flashback makes him feel all those longing feelings again.
A fierce impulse demands to be heard immediately.
He wants to put his hand on Fourth's naked body and push him into that bathroom.
Follow him.
Smell him.
Taste him.
Make him moan.
Gem's mind pours all the messages into his body and he feels himself swell again.
And Fourth sees Gem shake himself and stagger backward.
The wall behind him is there to support him.
To keep him from lunging at his best friend.
And he's still holding the telltale cell phone in front of him.
"What are you doing!", Fourth roars him out of his trance, "What do you think you're doing, answering my phone?", he snatches the phone from his hand and just walks away.
Gem shakes himself again and regains his composure.
"Fourth, who is Poseidon?" he finally wants to know.
And he rushes after him, stopping when the bedroom door slams in his face.
"Don't you dare come in here!" barks Fourth, unable to lock it.
Damn!
This is not how he wanted Gem to know.
His possessive brother should slowly get used to the idea of Fourth seeing someone.
That he may also go out and feel happiness.
Yes, happiness!
Mark is a great man.
And no matter what this is between them.
No matter what else comes and arises.
Fourth is ready for any twist and turn.
New Zealand is supposed to open up new worlds for him.
And Fourth is ready for it.
He writes Mark a quick reply.
Tell him to pick him up.
He just wants to get out of here.
"I'll just get dressed and be right there!" he tries to reassure his brother.
A brother who can't think straight from panic and shock.
What is happening here?
What is happening to him?
Gem is so weakened by the lightning that strikes him.
And this Poseidon seems so real threatening that he feels pure fear whimpering inside him.
And Fourth is startled when he opens the door and sees Gem's slumped body cowering against the wall next to his room.
"Are you okay?" he tries to help him up.
But Fourth's gentle hands are slapped away.
"Answer me already!" demands Gem, getting up again himself, "Who is Poseidon?"
And the eyes of his best friend can't hold his gaze.
"I still have an appointment. I want to draw!", Fourth answers calmly.
"With whom?" follows his brother's question.
And Fourth hesitates only briefly.
"With Mark!" he replies.
And a heavy, swirling silence rises.
Gem's heart skips several beats in the violent maelstrom of his pain.
He lacks air.
He lacks the air he needs.
And Fourth cannot bear this moment any longer.
"Your soup is ready. I'll turn off the stove. You're all grown up and you can make your own!", he just runs into the kitchen, "Have a good rest!", Gem hears his love's voice from a distance, "Oh yes, I mustn't forget my drawing book!", Fourth reaches into the bag, "And my pencils!", his voice resounds again in the hallway.
And just for a moment, he looks in Gem's direction.
He stands frozen and wracked with pain next to Fourth's bedroom door, torn apart by snatches of memories from his past.
And Fourth's legs hurry.
Quickly grabbing his pencil case and hurrying to the door.
"See you later!", he puts his hand on the door handle.
"Fourth!", the sound of his eternal love stops him.
And Fourth respects the man of his life enough to turn and give him his attention.
And Gem's dissolved eyes tear at his wounded soul.
If only Gem knew what to say.
If only he could form a clear thought.
All the swirling emotions tearing him to pieces inside.
And his eyes suddenly catch that big leather volume in Fourth's arms.
That drawing book.
"What is this?", Gem's soul wants to put the last pieces of the puzzle together.
And his finger points Fourth in the direction of his attention.
"This is a new drawing book. My old one is full. I need a replacement!" the last word echoes against the repressed walls in Gem's soul.
A replacement for the drawing book he gave him.
And everything suddenly trickles back into Gem's mind.
Not with a flash of lightning.
No flashback.
Just the pure truth of everything that happened last night.
"Don't wait for me!", Fourth says goodbye to his brother and leaves.
With the replacement.
Gem's true tears find their way and he slumps down.
At the front door of their shared apartment, Gem slumps from all the memories of last night.