- What was that Mina? - Sana asked as soon as she saw we were far enough away from everyone, sitting on a bench and pulling me to do the same.
Thoughts still weren't organized in my head, everything had happened so fast. One moment I was as happy as ever and the next I was being slapped in the face by the person I least expected.
- I don't know... - I finally answered once her eyes didn't leave me. My hand was on my face where the slap had been, lightly caressing the now sensitive skin.
- You lost control, again. - she sighed holding the other hand that rested in my lap.
- Not again, there are some days that I don't lose it like that and it wasn't even that whole thing, I barely cursed the boy.
- And you think it's right to have cursed him anyway?
- Since he asked for it... She still had to defend him. - I snorted, taking my hand from my face and punching it on my leg.
- Mina! What did this boy do to you?
- Anything. But he's not a good person, I know he's not, and Chaeyoung is glued to him twenty-four hours a day. The worst part is that afterwards she opens her mouth to say that she had no choice. Please, she might as well walk without holding onto his hands. - I rolled my eyes and, by the way Sana was staring at me, I could tell she noticed I was letting on too much.
- Chaeyoung is no kid, she knows what's good and what's not. - No she doesn't know. Who was I trying to fool? If he wasn't good for her I would be even less so. - You can't make decisions for her.
- She slapped me... - I said in a low voice as if, only now, I was realizing the truth of things.
- A very well given slap, by the way. - I looked up at her with a face of few friends making her laugh.
- Ha Ha - I sounded ironically.
- And what was that with Minho?
- Him being an idiot, like never before. He was high. - She widened her eyes.
- Minho? - I just nodded my head, my eyes fixed on the empty floor in front of me. - Since when?
- I don't know, but apparently it's been a while. Taehyun told me and I went into his room to see if I could find anything, it's the kind of thing you have to see to believe, you know? I was giving myself all the excuses in the world not to think that of him, but today I saw how much like me he looks. And I almost got punched it in the face too.
- Well, you have to talk to him before things get worse.
- By any chance, do troublemakers listen to anyone? - I looked at her in question. - Did I listen to you?
- No, but you have to try - she came forward before I dared to interrupt her sentence, which I really was going to do. - If he doesn't listen, at least your conscience is clear.
- My conscience is clear anyway. - I shrugged.
- Ah yes, and that's why you went to search his room? Because you was with a clear conscience? - I huffed, resting my elbows on my knees and rubbing my face with my hands. - Is that also why you're so angry with Chaeyoung, or is there something else?
She spoke with some reluctance, reminding me of the old days when she asked all my cases if they would turn into something more. I turned my eyes to hers quickly, encountering that amused distrust she always carried at these times. She looked like a child discovering the gift she could get for Christmas. I hated the fact that she knew me to such an extent, so I didn't even bother to deny it. I decided to save my time and my saliva by giving her what she wanted right away.
- I like Chaeyoung. You can party now. - She opened her mouth giving way to a victorious smile full of conviction.
- Do you like her? Like, really like her?
- I think I love her... - I didn't even risk looking at Sana, her totally exaggerated expression was still there.
- Who are you? - she said nudging my shoulder making me smile. - Since when do you admit things so easily, especially in that aspect? Does she already know about this?
- No! And she won't.
- Why?
- Because probably after today she won't want to look at my face anymore. Well, "look" in my face. - I made quotation marks with my fingers making her laugh.
- Stop being a coward, talk to her.
- Coward? - I closed my eyes - It's useless Sana, I'm no good for her. Look at me, we don't really match, I have a thousand problems, I have a curriculum that would scare anyone and my life is a mess. I don't want to put her in the crossfire.
- You're right about that and you're too cute to worry about at this point. But maybe she's the happiness you're missing, maybe she's the missing piece for your life's gear to work... - We looked at each other and burst out laughing. Her sentences sometimes sounded like those from motivational books or drama movies. - Seriously Minari, you can't forbid yourself like that. You need to take chances, I say it and I repeat: Chaeyoung is not a child and not made of sugar, she will survive a relationship. You deserve to be happy and have someone who cares about you.
- But I already have you! - I squandered a sincere smile that was reciprocated with a kiss on the cheek.
- I can't put up with you all the time, it's not healthy and besides, I'm dying to see where this goes.
- Calm down. I haven't agreed to any of that yet, I still think she'd be better off away from me.
- You know, I already gave my opinion. - She looked at the watch on her wrist, getting up right away - Let's go, we're already a good few minutes late and I can't take so many absences.
I used her hand to pull me up over my legs. It was always good to talk to Sana, the fact that we'd been friends for so long saved me from idle chatter and always got us straight to the point. Besides the fact that she was one of the few people I listened to who knew how to reach me directly. We knew each other so well that it was boring.
- I missed you. - I hugged her from behind awkwardly as we walked back inside the campus.
- I know I know. - She kissed my hand and I immediately tried to let go of her, passing in front of her with an ugly face and sticking my tongue out at her.
My mood had partially recovered. I walked to my class with a smile on my face, causing confusion for the onlookers, who probably imagined a different Mina after the break. After a few hours in the room I noticed that I hadn't eaten anything due to unforeseen circumstances and my stomach was complaining all the time, luckily I had experimental classes full of voice exercises. I loved those things. My class had really talented girls who reminded me of my dream of applying to Juilliard.
I spent the rest of the day thinking about what to actually do. Sana's words echoed in my mind and competed with my own. She was right at one point, I should try to be happy, I deserved it after so many things and so long and Chaeyoung was the only answer my heart gave me to that question. I was loving her. My God. How did it start? Where did that come from? She caught me completely off guard. But beyond all that there was the matter of the burden I carried with myself, my family and my life in general. How selfish would it be to involve her in all this just so I could wake up with a smile on my face every morning? She didn't deserve it, I didn't deserve it. I did not know what to do.
The next day I avoided her, I even excluded her from my field of vision, because it was too painful to see her as a stranger. I exchanged only a glance with Sana so that she would understand and then accompany me, as she hated leaving me wandering around alone. It was good to have her by my side, because everything wasn't so empty and strange, and she had this thing of making me feel good that was surreal. Plus the fact that only she was aware of my feelings, so only she was able to talk to me about it. It's always good to have someone to vent to, I've made the mistake of excluding myself before and I can tell you it's a pain without limits.
I was walking through the corridors returning from the library when I heard a familiar voice that moved me the moment it entered my ears. I risked peeking through the door and saw Dahyun and Chaeyoung alone in a room, the two seemed to be talking and from the expressions on their faces it didn't seem to be anything so good.
- Chae, stop that, one running away from us is enough, now you too?
- I'm not running away, I just don't want her to feel out of place in her own comfort zone. Momo and Sana are her friends and they don't see her because of me.
- It's not because of you.
- Dahyun, I slapped her face. - I sighed as I remembered the act.
- But she kind of deserved it, it wasn't totally wrong.
- I shouldn't have done anything, who am I to hit her? But she was so… Weird. And she attacked Wooyoung saying even stranger things.
- What she said?
- Besides the swear words? - I didn't even need to be seeing something to be sure the irony was stamped on her face. She really hated swearing. - I don't know, she said that if I hadn't been with him all day none of that would have happened and then she called him my boyfriend.
- Well, that's weird. But she doesn't seem to be a huge fan of Wooyoung. The day she caught the two of you in the canteen together, all she did was fulminate.
- Do they have any history together? - What? Really Chaeyoung? I shook my head, not believing that she was even assuming something like that.
- I don't know, but I suspect it's something more.
- Like what?
- Sounds like jealousy. - I froze. Dahyun was suspicious and I felt like I was there, in front of her, being caught by something I was hiding.
- You think? There's no reason. - Chaeyoung managed to sound as normal as possible, but there was a small trace of nervousness in her voice.
- Maybe she really likes you...
A silence settled in and when I risked peeking again I heard laughter much closer. I ran back down the hall like a prisoner on the run and only rested when I took a completely alternate route, they wouldn't pass near the dancers' wing. I leaned against the wall recovering my lost breath with the race and with what I had heard. So was that what I had really understood? Chaeyoung was scared of me, maybe even afraid of my reaction. I got carried away by jealousy, yes, jealousy. Myoui Mina what's going on with you?
The days passed and I continued in the same routine as a fugitive within the four walls, but this time more thoughtful than before. The girls peppered me with questions about where I got myself into during my free time and the study lie was already becoming too big to remain true. They suspected it had something to do with Chaeyoung, but they didn't dare speak. Momo didn't even say her name at home, I think the fact that everything was so confusing that afternoon kept her from trying to speak out in favor of something or someone. But I liked it that way, I had more time for my own lucidity.
- Where are you going? We have lunch together later, right? – Momo snorted, already disappointed with that atmosphere and my heart sank, since it was my fault.
- We'll try to get back in time, Mina needs to talk to Professor Young. - I looked at Sana beside me without understanding.
- Why?
- Just because! Let's go.
I was dragged by the arm to the large auditorium where Ms. Young's class was held and I only understood why when we entered and a certain kind of déjà vu came to my mind. Chaeyoung was in that class and was the preferred student. I sighed. Sana was trying to soften me up.
- What are we doing here? - I asked sitting hidden in one of the chairs at the back, having her right next to me.
- Nothing, I just wanted to see the teacher who loves you the most.
I left my eyes on her for long seconds trying to read her expression.
- How did you know Chaeyoung would be here? - I cut it straight.
- I didn't know, is this serious? - she pretended to be impressed making me roll my eyes.
- Did you also know that she is Mrs Young's favorite?
- What? Seriously? - I nodded, my gaze intent on the classroom below. - What did she do to earn this?
- She doesn't have to do anything, just be herself and everyone falls in love. - I said the phrase a little too melancholy and Sana noticed.
- You're so cute...
My ears closed when I saw Chaeyoung enter my field of vision in the distance, she looked beautiful. My heart fluttered like it always used to and I smiled remembering her words one day about that specific fact. It took two seconds of admiration for all doubts to escape my mind and only one truth remained: I needed her more than the air in my lungs. All those feelings, all the sensations that she once gave me came to the surface and with full force. Her mouth, her body, her way of being, her way of treating me, her innocence, my need to take care of her... Fuck the problems, I needed to have that girl for myself.
- You're doing it again. - Sana caught my attention making me look at her.
- That what?
- Staring with that silly face and without looking away. - A smile formed on my face and that was enough.
I got up without saying a word and ran out of there grabbing my phone and dialing Dahyun's number. I didn't care if Chaeyoung didn't want to look me in the face anymore or if she was with that twink, I had to try, otherwise I would never forgive myself. No more games, no more secrets, no more kissing on the sly. If I was going to do this I would do it right.
- Dahyun?
- Are you crazy? I'm in the middle of class, couldn't you just text me?
- No. I need your help for something important.