Last night was hell for me. And after all, I still had to get that message from Sana. She was back, ready to come clean, but I'm not. Actually what I was least at that moment is ready to even get the news back from her. This wasn't the way I imagined it, she should have arrived and notified Momo who then would have let me know. Sana shouldn't be coming after me, it should be just the opposite so I could apologize.
I spent some time still in the car processing the latest news. Minho was walking the wrong way and I would have the moment of truth anytime the next day. I must confess that I was much more scared of Sana.
I drove to my parents' house and did a quick sweep of Minho's room. I thanked God everyone was out and I was able to take my time and relax. I messed around and looked in every possible corner to store something that shouldn't be found by anyone but yourself, but I didn't have much luck. Either he didn't have anything else or we really were two completely different souls in hide and seek.
It was amazing how that place didn't make me feel at home. When I arrived, all I felt was a certain kind of trepidation and dread of being caught, as if I was doing something extremely wrong by being there, as if I were trespassing into another family's home. Who feels this way in their own house? That stopped having a good meaning for me a long time ago, I remember wishing bitterly for my independence so I could leave without looking back. My siblings were the only people who still made me enjoy this place, but now only one of them still had my complete trust, and even so, I learned to always tread carefully through the lands of the troubled Myoui family.
Today was a new day and certainly a new despair for me. I barely closed my eyes when I got home and the reflections of that sloppiness were present now. The class couldn't be more monotonous, my eyes tried with all their might to stay open, cautiously following the teacher's every step or movement. But it was in vain, I had no more strength and what kept me awake was the flame of fear that, every minute more, spread throughout my body. Today the clock was my enemy, but I didn't know if I wanted time to stop or pass.
At the end of the morning periods I withdrew as quickly as I entered, making my way to the only place I would feel safe in that building. I knew the girls always had lunch together, it's been our thing since forever, and with that I knew that if Sana were here she would be at the table with them too. It scared me. I wasn't ready yet. What the hell! I could swear I wasn't putting too much emphasis on this situation.
I walked into the old auditorium, kicking over buckets and chairs in my way. I could feel despair screaming inside my chest, I discovered at that moment how much fear I still had of rejection. If Sana ended our relationship today I don't know what would be left of me.
I made myself comfortable in one of the chairs in the old auditorium and allowed myself to catch the breath I had lost just imagining what awaited me later. It felt like I ran a marathon, I was so out of breath, I couldn't allow myself to have a panic attack right here, in this secluded place. No one would find me until my body decomposed, because I would surely die waiting for help. I closed my eyes freeing my mind of all thoughts and focusing on the comforting silence of the place, no wonder this was my secret place. There I could really relax and think.
- Marco. - I opened my eyes slowly questioning if I had really heard what I thought I had heard. - I know you're here.
I turned my face towards the large entrance doors, facing the best part of all this confused and painful reality.
- Polo. - I didn't raise my voice more than necessary and didn't move either. But even so, she knew how to find me in the midst of that immensity.
- What are you doing here? Everyone is there in the cafeteria. - She asked in a soft voice, probably already knew something was wrong.
- Nothing, I'm just thinking. I'm not hungry. - I shrugged more to convince myself than her.
- And what are you thinking about? - She insisted making me sigh, apparently she wasn't going to give up. - Hey! - As if she knew I didn't have her in my sight, she slid her fingers along the contour of my face and when she reached the opposite side of hers, she slowly pulled it making me face her. - Talk to me, I know there's something wrong. You're not that antisocial. - I let out a laugh - We promised, remember?
I wanted to tell her everything, I wanted to take out all my pain and open wounds on her, because I was so sure she would take good care of me. But it was no small thing. I didn't know how honest I could be because I was afraid of losing her, disappointing her or worse, involving her in this madness. Chaeyoung sure didn't deserve this, nobody did. Reality crashed into my conscience again: she was too good for me.
- Sana is back and wants to talk, I'm a little nervous about it. I have no idea what to say or how she's going to act. - It wasn't a lie, but again, it wasn't the complete truth.
- Sana? Minatozaki Sana?
- Yes, do you know her?
- Lord, how small this world is. She was one of the first people to help me through college, and to talk to me too.
- She never mentioned me? - I asked curious since Chaeyoung never seemed to know about me differently from the other students. Just through the rumours.
- No.
- Hm. - Maybe she was too angry to mention my name. Maybe she wanted to forget about me, or maybe she already had.
- She's a cutie. - Chaeyoung sighed next to me, seeming to have brought something good to memory.
- Yeah, it just won't be with me. - I smiled.
- Why would she be so mad at you?
- Because we've been best friends for a long time and last year I disappeared without giving any news, without answering or making calls, without sending messages. She, like everyone else, thinks I abandoned her.
- Maybe she thinks so, or maybe not. You'll only know if you talk to her.
- There's the problem, I don't know if I'm ready to talk to her.
- You'll never feel ready to face your fears. Look... - A smile appeared on her lips as well as mine. My heart was already beating softer, my body was calmer, she sure knew how to move me. Her hands went through my hair in a sloppy caress, her fingers walked through the strands, and, now and then, pressed my body lightly. I should pull her away, but everything in me made me want more of this. - Minari, stop condemning yourself with this. You and I both know that it wasn't like that, you can't blame yourself for what happened to you.
- I know but...
- No "but". Tell her the truth, because I know she will understand. If she is your friend she will definitely understand.
- You think so?
- I'm sure! And stop believing the truth that others say about you, I hate it when you do that. - She snorted leaving a pout on her lips soon after, which made me laugh.
Chaeyoung stayed with me until I was ready to leave. The ill effects of my companionship were already being seen, as I caused her to miss her afternoon classes. I insisted on leaving her at home, but she didn't want to, she said Dahyun was in charge of accompanying her on the subway and that there would be no problem. I was disappointed, besides the fact that I had her with me for a few more hours, I also wanted an excuse to postpone this conversation as long as possible.
I got to our place with my heart in my mouth again, I didn't know where I got this nervousness from. The square was empty, as usual, some lights remained on at strategic points, bringing a cozy atmosphere to the place. I followed with my hands buried in my coat pockets until I found the stairs that led to a more hidden wing, over a small bridge that crossed from one side to the other. I stopped when I saw a familiar silhouette next to the bench, the small body, the long hair... It was her. I made myself audible going down the steps and took a deep breath crossing the bench to come into view of her.
Her face lifted to meet mine, the impact of our gazes making my legs almost shake. It's time and there was nowhere else to run. We were silent for long and painful seconds, neither of us wavered at any point, our bodies rigid and uncomfortable with the scene in which they were present, our hands clutching something to keep from shaking. It was then that her eyes glistened with tears, and, to my surprise, she rose and threw herself into my arms. At the same moment I felt my body joining hers in strong and violent sobs. Our chests were pulsing in desperation, our arms were tight, scared of letting out something that had been missing for so long. I didn't know exactly what was going on, but it was the only thing I felt fit the moment. Tears manifested themselves in the name of longing, in the name of guilt and in the name of forgiveness. It was like a weight was being lifted off my shoulders and I could finally breathe a sigh of relief.
- I love you. - I heard her voice next to my ear in a soft whisper that managed to be expressed amid so many other sounds.
- I love you too and I'm very, very, very sorry Sana. - I definitely didn't expect that statement from her, but again it seemed to be what fit the moment and so I reciprocated without even thinking twice.
- I don't care where or why, I'm just happy to have you back.
This time she pulled away holding me by the arms and running her eyes all over my body. On my face a silly smile mixed with the tears that still insisted on coming down. When her gaze met mine we both laughed. She was so beautiful, so cute, so Sana. I was missing my best friend madly and had no idea how much until then. Everything about her made my eyes light up and my heart leap with joy.
- You look amazing - she continued once she noticed my inability to form a coherent sentence.
- You too, where did you buy these clothes? - I managed to reciprocate running my hands to clean my face.
- Japan.
We smile together.
- How are you? - I asked out of politeness, but in truth I was scared to death of what would come to be her answer. She took a deep breath, staring at the floor, much to my despair, and lifted her face again.
- Going. - Her voice failed, forming a lump in my throat. - I missed you a lot. From the beginning, when you disappeared I was worried, you had these customs, but nothing like that. So your parents said you decided to travel. I went into a state of denial, at first I tried to call you, I tried to send you letters, but you didn't answer. You were nowhere. Then reality hit me and I condemned you so intensely for leaving me like that, without breaking the news or even saying goodbye. How insignificant have I become to you? That was all I wondered. But then one day healed the other and I wasn't mad anymore, I was worried again. Only you didn't come back and it didn't look like you would.
I could only cry. Her words came like blades piercing my chest with each thrust until they finally reached my heart. If there's one thing that hurts the most, it's hurting someone I love, and that was all I could see when I looked into her eyes. I just couldn't keep my attention on her face, because it pained me incredibly to see the pain in her face and it made it worse to hear that I was the reason.
- I'm sorry - I stammered between sobs with my head down. - I never meant to hurt you, ever. - Her arms looped over my curved body and she rested her face next to mine, her forehead pressed against my shoulder. - I wish I had been with you when I heard about your grandfather, I swear that was what I wanted most, please forgive me.
- I forgive you - she said tearfully - I know it wasn't your fault, as much as I wanted to, I can't stay mad at you for a long time and I could never live without your friendship. So forgive me too for hating you.
I shook my head unable to say another word and pressed myself against her body again for comfort. We were stuck for a long time just throwing out all the remnants of a not so distant past, to make room for new and desired good memories.
- Are you finished yet? - I heard a third voice and I looked up quickly to see Momo approaching, appearing to have cried the same way the two of us had. - I can't stand to see this scene without a hug.
We smile, Sana and I, and we make room for Momo to come in and we cry all in one body and in one sound. We were together again, the way it was and the way it always will be. The three of us against everything and everyone. I couldn't feel lighter and more loved than I do now.
I may not have a home with the family I share my blood with, but my heart was at peace with them and it was with them that I felt at home. The people I once chose to call family were together again. My family was complete and it's strength was sealed with the tears of a rebirth that found no barriers.