If there was anything good in this life, it was certainly shared love. I don't remember the last time I was as passionate as I am now, there was a time when I had promised myself not to let myself feel these things anymore, for me all of this was weakness, a certain kind of generalized stupidity.
If you think about it, love is as bad as it is good, it makes you happy as much as it makes you sad. The best definition I found was one that said that loving is like throwing yourself off a cliff without knowing if there will be someone down there to catch you. That's what I felt like doing at this very moment. I threw myself without even looking around, I launched myself without even checking if I had a rope attached to my waist or a parachute on my back. I gave myself up in the worst possible way: without even realizing it.
But it wasn't as scary as I thought it would be and all that credit I gave to the girl next to me. She made everything look so easy, so simple. That disinterested way of hers envied me, it seems that nothing in this life could affect her, even if it wasn't quite like that.
We stood for the first time in what felt like the closest thing to complete silence. Chaeyoung was guiding me by saying landmarks close to her doctor's office, then she was silent again. But it was a good lull, a light and happy aura. Our hands were intertwined the entire way, my thumb gliding calmly over hers as they rested on her left leg. She had her head leaning against the window as if admiring the blurred landscape outside. From time to time I risked a glance in her direction just to admire the lightness of her expression and delude myself into thinking I was the reason.
I let it continue that way, it wasn't uncomfortable to the point of making me start a conversation without much foundation, also because I wasn't thinking clearly at the moment. After we kissed I couldn't remain impassive anymore, I wore the most ridiculous smile anyone could have. I was so happy it was gross. Nothing in life compares to the way I find myself now, my stomach was churning, my body was lighter, numb releasing happiness through every pore. That was so new to me, I thought that one day I had already fallen completely in love, but today just proved the opposite. I barely knew what it was and I was more determined than ever to find out.
We finally arrived at the building that looked like it was meant only for doctors' offices and emergency rooms. It was like a clinic made up of independent professionals who came together to help everyone, I found the initiative incredible while Chaeyoung told me the details of its operation and introduced me to the various acquaintances she had there.
- You're quite famous here, I'm afraid to ask how that happened. - I joked when we entered the elevator with a small group of people.
I ran to the bottom since our destination was higher than everyone's there and I dragged her with me, taking advantage of the small space to have her as close as possible to my body.
- I was a difficult child.
- Was that because of your cuts? - I whispered close to her ear fearing the subject I was bringing up. She flashed a smile and shook her head.
- No, I was just too restless and I liked adventures, so I was almost always around here.
- Don't think this is limited to your childhood days, Dahyun told me about your recent "adventures". - I joked, making her laugh, her face resting on my shoulder. - Don't you dare do these things to me.
- Why? - Her lips tightened into a pout.
- Because then it will be the two of us visiting this place all the time.
- Would you take care of me?
- No, I would get injured with you. - She smiled, lifting her face towards mine. I knew exactly what she wanted when I realized she was waiting for something.
I waited for the last person to leave and then pressed my lips to hers in a lingering peck. I couldn't afford to replay our last time in an elevator, so that would have to be enough, at least for now.
- Why were you quiet in the car? - she asked returning her face to the place of before.
- Two reasons actually. I'm a little nervous. - I admitted squeezing her hand lightly.
- Why?
- A little bit because it's an appointment in which he can give you good or bad news. This expectation is killing me, just imagining certain things makes me agonize.
- You mean the fact of not having a return to me? Does it agonize you? - Her voice was still soft, but I sensed probing on her part as if she was ready to weigh my next words carefully.
- Not that it bothers me, it wouldn't make a difference to me... I mean, it would make a big difference if you could see again and everything, but it wouldn't change anything for me. You understand?
- Are you telling me it would be better if I wasn't blind?
Lord how did the conversation take this turn? Chaeyoung looked troubled by my words, and honestly, I felt like if I kept opening my mouth, it was going to get worse.
- Yes and no. - I pondered in my own mind trying to arrange an escape route in this matter. The elevator door then opened revealing a wide white room and Chaeyoung hurriedly pulled me by the hand.
We stopped at the counter to check in and again the chat yielded. It seems that she and the attendant were great friends and shared a certain kind of interest in children's things. I told Chaeyoung that I would sit right behind her and I withdrew when the subject was a garden party that they both heard about on some program.
I sat down on the bench and started watching them, especially Chaeyoung who seemed more radiant with each person she met in this building. This was a completely different girl from the one I met those days in college, the Chaeyoung of now was more spontaneous like she usually is when we're alone or with the girls. Such a thing only happened when she was somewhat comfortable, which was good to see happening in droves here. Passages of hers as a child must have been enduring as she nurtured a certain kind of intimacy with everyone.
After a few minutes I decided to entertain myself with any magazine that was resting beside me. The office was empty, which made me wonder if that accounted for a certain kind of exclusivity or if today was somehow special. From the aesthetics of the place I deduced that there was a bit of both, today seemed to be an atypical day that in a place of such size would certainly result in a few hours in the wind. Then I remembered my experiences in places like this, not exactly with the same purpose, but the same air. This climate of medical care brought back bad memories and bothered me more than I thought it would.
- I'm back - Chaeyoung whispered already sitting next to me making me lower the magazine in my lap for a moment.
- Is there anyone in this building that you don't know? - She pulled her lower lip between her teeth. - Don't do this.
- This what?
- Don't bite your lip like that.
- Does it bother you? - Her tone sneakily changed to something more provocative making me ask where was that innocent girl I met earlier.
- It bothers me that I can't do anything about it. - I moved closer to her face joining her little game. I glanced for a second at the attendant who, thank God, seemed focused enough on her computer screen. - So don't do it.
- Sue me. - Her smile grew even bigger and then she walked away, already bragging about the victory of our quick duel. She was sorely mistaken if she thought it would end like this. I did the same by going back to the confines of my bench and putting the magazine aside. - Since when does that bother you?
- Since always, the difference is that today I can finally express.
- Hm. What is the other reason for your silence in the car? - she spoke quickly as if she remembered something important. I made a noise in my throat in confusion. - You told me you were quiet for two reasons, what's the other?
- Well, you're the other one. You and your taunts and actions. - She laughed softly leaning her forehead on my shoulder for a moment.
- I think you are confused.
- No, Chaeyoung. It's always you who starts the moods between us and then leaves me in pain. - she kept in a fake amazement making me roll my eyes. - How silly you are.
This time she burst into a gleeful laugh, making my task of keeping sane almost impossible. I ran my eyes to the attendant again who now had a smile on her lips, she also couldn't resist the sound of the younger one's laugh, which I also ended up doing.
- Am I scaring you? - Chaeyoung asked between still laughs.
- Actually, you're freeing me, it's really good to know that you're not the innocent I thought you were.
- You thought I was innocent?
- Of course! I met you by bumping into you in a hallway and later all alone in, my, secret place. - She made a sign that she was going to contest something, but I anticipated it by putting my index finger on her lips. - Then we hit each other again at Momo's apartment and you ran away from me. I had every reason in the world to think you were the helpless little child I thought you were.
- So that's why you call me childish so much?
- Yes and no. Yes because you make me want to take care of you like a child, that thing of running to the side so you don't drop or putting your hand on your forehead when it passes near something sharp.
- I really imagine it would be great if someone did these things for me. - She joked making me laugh this time.
- And no because you really act like a child sometimes, but not in a bad way.
- Well, if so, thank you for the compliments and I look forward to seeing you babysitting me.
My mouth already hurt from sustaining a smile, I think I've had it since she sat next to me. It was amazing how just her presence made me happy in a way, with her it was impossible to keep quiet or downcast, that's why I never understood her bad relationship with the rest of the people at Juilliard. But the truth is that she, despite this way, seemed to be quite selective with her friendships. Not that she was handpicking who was worthy of her attention, but naturally she approached more complete people, more mature I think. She wasn't too weird for them, they were too normal for her.
- Okay, what did I do now? You are quiet again. - She huffed beside me pulling me out of my daydreams.
- Does it really piss you off when I keep quiet?
- Really. I hate being accompanied in public places and still looking lonely.
- Wow, that's a great excuse. So I'm going to share one of my secrets with you: I don't like hospitals.
- Is that because you've been to many? - I pondered for a moment her words bringing to my mind a right reason for my discomfort, but I didn't have much to reveal to her and much less I wanted to worry her about the real reason at such a moment.
- I think in a way yes, I didn't spend good times in places like that. Of course no one who needs to go to a hospital is having a good time, but mine were more psychological than physical and affected me in a certain way. - I lied partially. Those experiences really hit me and were certainly influential, but they didn't say everything about me.
- You didn't have to come. - Her voice expressed all her concern at once, making my heart sink. Funny that I was worrying that one bad thing in my life had made her feel bad. - You can go if you want, I really can go in alone and I'll be back...
- Shh! - I interrupted her raising my voice a little more to disturb hers. - I'm not going anywhere, I want to stay. With you it's not so bad, I'm just surprised that you remain so calm with so many expectations surrounding you.
- I really don't see any reason to be nervous, for me it's just another inspection appointment.
- But last time he said he could give you good news depending on your recovery, aren't you anxious to know if everything is going well?
- To be honest, no. I stopped holding on to it when I realized that it was a possibility and not a reality, my reality is now that. - She pointed to the bandages on her face. - If I don't see anymore I really don't care. I've already been given a great chance to live again when I come out of that accident almost unscathed, so I don't see why complaining about one small detail. I'm here, I'm healthy, I breathe well, I can do things alone... And the worst is over.
- I really admire you, I wouldn't have half of your courage. - She smiled and found my hand in my lap.
- You would, but that's the kind of strength we only discover when we have no other choice.
Here was the Chaeyoung I admired so much, her words sincere and full of meaning. Really she was right, no one knows what they would do in a situation like that or how would they react, it's the kind of thing that no matter how much we prepare, it will never turn out exactly as we predicted. Chaeyoung is so young and so made up of mind, down to earth and very well developed. She was someone to watch closely.
It didn't take long for the doctor to finish what he was doing and invite us into his office. Like all the other people before, he had the biggest smile when he saw the girl and received us very warmly. He was a gentleman already, he must have been in his early sixties, but had the vitality of forty. Chaeyoung held onto his arms for long minutes as they both exchanged caresses and sweet words, I made my way over to one of the chairs in front of the table and made myself comfortable knowing it would take a while.
Chaeyoung did all the checks possible, for the first time I saw her with open eyes and I must admit it was a bit of a shock. He removed her bandages for some tests and soon after removed the nails that kept her eyelids closed. I leaned back in my chair to get a better view of the unexpected, my curiosity always motivating me.
Chaeyoung opened her eyes slowly and there they were, to my surprise, they weren't white or cloudy. The two brown balls settled in the center of her eyes, well, one a little further to the side than the other, but it was cute, they looked more alive than ever, I felt my chest heave rapidly at the sight. Even if it was sneaky, I was able to contemplate the uncovered beauty of the girl in front of me, and honestly, she is so beautiful. Her eyes seemed to struggle to stay open as the doctor asked her to do some exercises or try to read some things, I was aching for her again, her every effort bringing me surreal agony. I would trade places with her if I could.
- Well done miss, I think you're doing great. - the doctor said finishing replacing the bandages over her eyes again and pulling her out of the stretcher where she had been all this time of evaluation. - Do you want the bad news or the good news first?
He placed Chaeyoung in the chair next to mine and made his way over to his, quickly bringing pen and paper to hand.
- What did I choose last time? - she asked in that same indifferent tone as before.
- If I'm not that old yet, I'm sure it was the good one.
- So I want the bad news first.
Was this some kind of game of theirs? My God, I would never pick the bad one first.
- Okay. The bad thing is you have to stick with those annoying bandages. Your eyes are still quite sensitive, but I advise you to take them out, at least at night, so that they slowly get used to the light and can react in some way.
Chaeyoung nodded attentively to what she was told, at least she was taking it seriously.
- What's the good news?
My heart missed a few beats for a brief moment and my breath hitched with nervousness. My eyes went from her to him and fixed there, anxiously waiting for the answer to follow.
- In doctor's words or not? - she laughed and I took a deep breath, to hold the air again.
- Definitely not.
- Ok, you have a very fast recovery and never seen before by me. There are almost no traces left of the surgeries performed, your eyes look much more comfortable overall; already move normally, your eyeball is with a great response, almost normal. There is even a pupil dilation.
- So I still have chances to improve?
My eyes went to her quickly and returned to find the doctor's most serious expression, his hands crossed and resting on the table and his gaze fixed on Chaeyoung. I couldn't feel more nervous than I am right now, it was almost agonizing, I felt like I was in a movie watching all the action from afar and hoping for the worst.
- Chaeyoung, you've already improved, now it's just a matter of time until you see again. With that, I need you to do as I said, continue with the bandages, but remove them at night for readjustment.
- Wait. - I manifested myself for the second time since I entered there, drawing the attention of both. I could no longer contain the anguish I had in my chest, after so much information a direct answer was needed for my brain to process. - So she will see normally again?
- I cannot guarantee one hundred percent vision. - He turned his attention to her taking her hands and then a huge smile broke out on his face. - But she will definitely be seeing again.