[A/N: This chapter is dedicated to @VoidxWalker2, @VeCnUsSy04, @i_iskatie, @SharapovaDeang, @itnotviky and @theyhelladead for their encouraging words last chapter.]
-Kaisa-
A ressurection has taken place in the form of Armin through Bertholdt. With one last thing to accomplish before we head back, Hange, Levi, and I decide to leave our squads behind while we head out to the basement.
"K3 listen up, you guys will—" The words get caught in my throat—they're no longer K3; it's no longer Kei, Kiyoko, and Kageyama. It's just Kei and Kiyoko now.
"K2, you will stay here with the Levi Squad to watch over the horses and everything else. Levi, Hange, Mikasa, Eren, and I will be heading out."
"Where to, captain?" Kiyoko's voice softly asks.
"The basement."
They nod their heads, turning to face their other friends as they process the current events. I wish I could have been around a little longer, especially after the new changes to our squad. Footsteps approach from behind me, and I turn to face the person.
Levi's there, a hand on the side of his ODM gear, "It's time."
Instead of answering, I walk by him to where Hange, Eren, and Mikasa stand waiting. He follows alongside me, keeping to himself despite the weight of Erwin's death hanging over his shoulders. The three scouts in front begin to lead the way to the basement, both Levi and I trailing behind by approximately ten meters.
Once we turn a couple corners, I gently brush my hand against his. Without hesitation, Levi covers mine with his, the palm of his calloused hand presses against the back of mine while his fingers wrap around my palm. It's an unconventional way of holding hands, but its comforting hold tells me more of his current state of mind than any words could. His hand is trembling, but when I glance at his face, he shows no sign of discomfort.
Even though there's so much I want to say, I keep the thoughts to myself; the last thing we need is to be overstimulated more than we already have been. We can process everything at home, but as for right now, our goal is to figure out what important information has been left in the basement from Eren's dad. Upon arrival, Levi and I pull away from each other, hardening our exteriors.
We clear the wood and the rubble above the basement entrance, discovering a set of stairs that appear to have been left untouched. Our boots thud with every step, every one of us tired beyond exhaustion. At the bottom, we stand in front of another door, one that seems to have a lock for entry.
"The key?" I ask.
Eren takes a moment before nodding, most likely lost in his own thoughts. From the way he and Mikasa turned their heads every now and then, eyes lingering longer than usual, it's clear they were reliving memories sealed away. The boy tugs the key out from underneath his uniform, pulling the necklace off his neck. We stand behind him while he fumbles with the lock, only to turn back to us with panic written across his face.
"It's not unlocking..."
Levi pushes the boy to the side, "Let me take care of it." Humanity's Strongest lifts a leg before kicking the door open without struggle.
We follow in after him, immediately lighting a lantern that had been left inside. Surprisingly, it works perfectly fine and we start our search to see if there's anything information that could be of use to us. After thoroughly examining the books on the shelf, it becomes clear that there's nothing of particular interest; it simply looks like a doctor's headquarters, which would make sense given Grisha Jaeger's profession before his passing.
"There's gotta be something in here...he told me there would be." Eren stresses, hands tangled in his hair.
I put a hand on his shoulder, "Let's just look over the room one more time to make sure we didn't miss anything."
We get to work once again, only this time, paying close attention to certain crevices, small details, and any patterns that we may be able to distinguish and uncover. I overlook the desk once more, fingers trailing across the wood in a passing motion. My hand slips down the side, feeling an indent beneath my fingertips. I stop in my tracks before leaning down to see what I brushed against.
"Eren, come here."
The boy turns his head before giving a short jog over. He crouches next to me, eyes widening when his eyes land on what's in front of both of us.
"That's where your key belongs."
The rest of the group surrounds us, peering over our shoulders to take a look at the keyhole engraved into the desk. Eren slides the key into the lock without any resistance, a soft wooden click filling the quiet air around us. We wait in silence, Eren's hand unmoving from the key that just unlocked what has the secrets to the outside world.
Finally, when he feels confident enough, he pulls the key out before slowly opening the drawer. Without thinking, I glance over at Levi, who stares with an indifferent expression at the desk. Taking a look at the hands held at his side, he's fidgeting with them silently; he's waiting in anticipation as well; he wants to know what was so important that Erwin had to die for it.
I bite my lip once bringing my attention back to the drawer—I want to know whether Tobio's death was worth it too.
The drawer finally opens, but when we peer into it, there's nothing there. I turn to Levi, with worry overcoming me slowly. Did someone get here before he did? Did his dad return back to collect the items shortly after the walls fell? Was the information burned or destroyed during the massacre? What happened to what we were—
"Look closer." Levi states, reaching over to tap the base of the wood, "It's a hidden drawer; it's double-sided."
Usually, I'd make a joke about him showing off, but I'm overtaken from the relief flooding my system. Underneath the extra piece of wood rests three books. At first I'm confused, but whatever it is, it's information that we supposedly don't have. Eren pulls out the first book, placing a hand on the cover.
He waits a while before turning to us, "I wonder what my dad wanted to show me...it's all in here, I guess."
We don't respond, knowing that he's simply expressing his thoughts aloud to process everything. Shortly after his words, Mikasa places a hand atop his, giving the best support than any of us could. They turn the cover, and the first page inside has something taped to the front of it. All of us lean over the book in curiosity.
It's like a memory kept in physical form. There is a man, a woman, and two kids, all who are well-dressed. The man is standing while holding a girl who wears pigtails, a wide smile on her face. On the chair sitting is a light-haired woman with a boy who sits across her lap properly with a photogenic grin. My eyes dart down to the text underneath the memory, the words softly leaving my lips.
"This is called a photograph. This is my wife Dina, my capable son Zeke, and my beloved daughter--."
The words hitch in my throat, unknowingly moving away from the book with wide eyes. I bump into Hange who lets out a sound of annoyance before gently moving me to the side next to Levi.
"If you're not gonna read it all out, then let me see better." The scientist whines.
The man next to me matches my wide eyes when looking at me, only adding to the sinking feeling consuming me from the inside out.
"Zeke and Zelda?" Hange asks aloud, "Do you know them, Eren?"
The boy shakes his head, "No...I didn't know my father had another family."
Another family...
What the fuck.
"I...am going to check on our squads to make sure everything is alright." I manage to let them know where I'm going without choking on my words.
I slide past Levi who snatches a wrist onto my arm, "Kaisa..."
His eyes dart between mine, desperately attempting the thoughts that I've managed to keep hidden for now. Right now, the look of concern from somebody else is too much to bear, and it only adds to the confusion and distress that's been dropped on me.
"It's fine. Somebody should be with them anyway. I'll read up on everything later."
I gently pull my arm from his hold, leaving the room swiftly. The moment I'm out of their radius, my chest collapses on itself and it's difficult to breathe. I lean against a large boulder to keep myself upright, body slowly siding down the side once out of sight. My hands grip my shirt, trying to ground myself from the difficult task of breathing.
"Oh God..." My voice croaks out.
Is that why I remembered his name? Is that why the name "Zeke" came to mind when I touched the blond man who was in the beast titan?
Pulling away from my arms, I stare at my hands. Did I really read books about rock paper scissors? Did I really read about pinky-promises? Were those things I truly studied? I can't remember the books I read those in...Would those books even be allowed in the library if people were trying to get rid of the information that people lived outside the walls?
Did I experience those things firsthand? Is that how I know?
The thought sends a shiver down my spine. These are all practices that not a single person in the walls does. Levi always gave me weird faces when we did these things, but I thought that had to do with his weird upbringing. No, even with that weird upbringing, surely he would have learned sometime later on.
It was me who was the anomaly. I've always been the anomaly. Everything that's been weird and happening to me today, everything that's been happening for the past couple of months...it's all because I'm just like Eren. That man...is my biological father, but I don't even remember him. It's like all these memories have been wiped from my mind, but only have come back in flashes when interacting with something from across the world.
Did Zeke remember me too?
Did he feel something when he saw me?
The moment of the expedition, I knew I felt off—I knew I felt weird. Was my body trying to remind me? Or did my body remember when my thoughts couldn't? A scoff of disbelief escapes me while running both hands through my hair on either side, almost as if to feel for the two ponytails I saw in the photograph.
I have a brother.
No. I have two brothers.
Fuck...why do I have to be the middle child?
Actually, it makes sense. The way I've been treated in comparison to the other boys is so drastically different. Zeke inherited a titan and seems to be okay where he's from, and Eren received a fucking key to unlocking the secrets of the entire world.
I was abandoned in the underground, remembering parents who weren't even my biological ones to begin with. I lived a life of fear after they died; I was forced to grow up so young, I had to learn how to fight on my own, how to do everything on my own. What was the purpose of discarding me as someone who wasn't important?
Aren't I important, too?
...is it because I am a girl?
Even thinking about it, my chest constricts further. What other reason would there be to completely abandon me? My palms hit the sides of my head in hopes of knocking the answers into my thoughts. This new information only confuses me further; it's like puzzle pieces are slowly coming back, but they're not falling into place. I just want to remember. Why can't I remember? Who am I? Every time I think I'm getting closer to understanding myself, it slips from my hands.
I don't even know who I am, so how can I expect others to know me? It only makes the craving to know who I am stronger. I want it so bad. I long for it. Why would they keep who I am hidden from the rest of the world? All these names, all these aliases and not a single one of them seem to satisfy who I really am. God, who am I?
Once I catch my breath, I snap out of my own pity party. I've indulged in my feelings enough, and now I must be alert enough to make sure the rest of us who are alive make it back home safe. Once I rendezvous with the soldiers we left behind, I find myself sitting next to Tobio's still body. My legs are propped up while I sit on the gravel, arms resting across my knees. I rest my head across my forearms, a solemn feeling swirling in my bones as I stare at the wings of freedom logo on his uniform.
After thinking about it for so long, I still don't have an answer or idea on how to tell his father that he wouldn't be coming home alive. I don't know how to tell any of the families of those who died alongside me today that their loved one wouldn't be returning home. It's selfish of me to take Tobio home; I've already made the decision that he'll be coming home with the rest of us, but I know that it's wrong of me to choose favourites.
There are plenty of deserving people who lay on the other side of this wall, plenty of people whose parents would beg for their loved one to come home. It's all so tragic; everything that happened today is tragic. And yet, even though I felt it, even though I had a premonition that it was a bad idea, I still went and fought anyway, all for one new titan to add to our arsenal. Is that worth more than the lives that were lost today? I hesitate to agree.
The ride home is quieter than any other expedition that the scouts had ever come back from. There is no conversation to be had; anything that needs to be said, or anything that needs to be fixed would be done once we arrive home. For now, we need to make sure that we return alive. Until then, the operation would be incomplete.
At times on the way back, Kei offers to take the teenage boy off my back, but I can't bring myself to let him go. Despite the hunger and thirst, the nagging voice in my head reminds me this is the last time that I'll ever hold him in my arms. The boy who was supposed to overcome me, the boy who I planned to train closely underneath my wing, was gone within a couple of hours. Out of all the losses I've experienced, this is the one that stings the most.
Silent tears fall down my cheeks as I keep my head down in shame; humanity's tempest, humanity's fastest soldier wasn't fast enough to keep her own safe.
At times like this, the yearning to be set free from all responsibilities and sins on my shoulders grows stronger. The beauty in life appears duller, and the will to continue moving forward empties quickly. But then, I hear the voice of reason next to me tell me that it's my responsibility to live for those who never got the chance to. More than that, I find a reason to push on in the form of a man who only dropped his gaze once, which was during the death of one of his closest friends.
Levi takes each step without dragging his feet beneath him. There isn't a sense of urgency in him, but there is determination amidst the unknown of what's to come. It's been so long since I've been a student under his wing, but I still find myself looking to him when I don't know what to do.
Who does Levi turn to when he doesn't know what to do? Not even that...
Who will Levi turn to when he doesn't know what to do because that person is now dead?
Hange is a great strategist, but she's not Erwin. I'm good at reaching people and finding out information, but I'm not Erwin. Everyone next to me is good at something, they excel at something, but they're not Erwin.
We are not Erwin.
Once we get home, the scouts will need to decide and figure out who we are without Erwin. The moment we face our worried constituents, we'll have to figure out the next moves without Erwin. I only hope that the information that we've gained today will help guide our next steps, and I only hope that we remain true to ourselves.
I only hope that the dedicated hearts who have been put to rest lend us their wings to fly.