Solitude
By eight in the evening, we were already eating what he ordered for our dinner. And by nine, we were already drinking shots of whatever will make us have the courage to step over this certain line that is stopping us from knowing each other once again.
"Your favorite genre of music?" Natabunan ang ngiti niya nang sumimsim siya sa alak na isinalin ko para sa kanya.
"Country music," I said, my attention and interest already at its peakest.
He leaned closer on the table when he noticed my reaction. He didn't even bother to stifle his smile as he put down his glass of alcohol.
"Who's your favorite country singer?"
Bahagya akong natigilan dahil hindi agad mahagilap sa isipan ang pinakagusto sa kanila.
"Marami," sabi ko na lang nang bahagya nang nagtagal sa parteng iyon.
"Hmm..."
Mapanuya at mapaglarong tingin ang iginawad niya sa akin kaya naiiling na napatawa na lang ako bago sumimsim sa iniinom.
"I like Cody Johnson, his voice is relaxing. It's the type that makes you think of an ideal love." I sighed while playing with the glass, slowly twirling it in circular motions.
"But then if you compare Luke Combs' voice to love as well, its the type that makes you want to plunge, take the risk, and just, completely... fall..."
"Have you already found both?" He gives me all of his attention and puts down his glass on the center table.
"Uhmm... their music?" Binalingan ko rin siya, bahagyang nalilito sa tanong.
"No, both types of love."
Bahagya akong natigilan dahil sa sinabi niya. I awkwardly peeled off my gaze from him and slowly immersed myself into his question.
Have I found both?
The love that I felt towards my parents was blind. Simula nang nagkaisip ako, ang tanging alam ko lang ay mahal ko ang mga magulang ko. Mahal ko si Mama at Papa sa puntong ayaw kong paniwalaan ang mga masasamang paratang ng iba laban sa kanila.
I didn't believe that as parents, they could ever do something wrong. Because they are supposed to raise and guide us, right? So, how could they ever be wrong?
But looking back, I realize that they had their shortcomings too. They weren't perfect as parents. Though I got mad and felt betrayed at some point, that didn't make me love them less.
Papa may not be a good politician or a good husband to Mama when he had an affair with another woman, but he was certainly a good father to me.
Mama may not be a good person, but despite the darkness that's slowly swallowing her whole, I know that she tried. She tried so hard to save me from being tagged along that darkness by making a sacrifice.
So, I guess, it was the type of love that made take the risk, despite how people have been saying that my father wasn't a good man. To plunge, despite the feeling that Mama was dragging me along with her hatred. And never care... if I ever lose it all. That's what I did for them, for Mama...
But he asked me if I already found both types of love. So, have I found both?
"I don't think so," tanging naisagot ko sa kanya sa gitna ng malalim na iniisip.
"From here on, let's find both." His eyes held mine gently.
Looking at him, a melancholic nostalgia touched my core and held every part of me painfully.
It took me a few seconds to muster up a smile for his words.
I wanted to make the atmosphere feel light and say another cheesy line that I always usually say back then. That yes, we can find both types of love if we are with each other.
Pero kalaunan ay napawi rin naman ang ngiti ko nang mapagtantong hindi ito magtutunog tama. Masyadong mabilis ang lahat.
I know that he already assured me about it just awhile ago. But my conscience, the guilt from the past, is still catching up to me. And so I drowned my silence with the alcohol.
"My turn. What's your favorite genre of music?" pasimple kong nilihis ang usapan.
"Jazz, country as well. Any type of genre, as long as it's good music."
I can't help but notice how he licked off the taste of alcohol from his lower lip as he leaned more comfortably on the couch. His muscles flexed a bit with that movement.
Napanguso ako at napatungga ng alak na nasa baso. The past minute, I got deep thoughts about my family. And then the next minute, from the deep thoughts, my mind has now completely jumped off into a puddle.
I can't help it. Kaya kahit pa napunta na kami sa iba't-ibang topic, hindi ko na maiwasan ang itanong sa kanya ang mga bagay na nagtatagal na sa isip simula nang pagmasdan ang postura niya.
"Sa nagdaang pitong taon, nagka-girlfriend ka na ba?" I hiccuped.
Damn. Tingin ko, unti-unti nang namumuno sa sistema ko ang alak. I haven't drink in a year or so, after all. Simula kasi nang nangyari sa akin sa college noon, iniwasan ko na ang pag-iinom.
I only drink occasionally. At ngayon, dahil sobra akong nalito sa mga nangyari sa nagdaang mga araw.
And now, it's proven. My alcohol tolerance is getting low.
"I've had flings."
Saglit siyang sumulyap sa akin bago binaba ang baso niya.
Nararamdaman kong nag-iingat siya sa kung ano mang magiging reaksyon ko kaya tinawanan ko lang 'yon. Para mapagatakpan ang pagkailang dahil sa biglaang naitanong.
"Of course, you've had flings." I chuckled more and tapped his shoulder playfully.
He licked his lips and looked at me more closely. Nanatiling nananantya ang ekspresyon niya.
"I'm sorry. It's just that I often ask too many stupid questions when I get drunk. And this does not happen before, you know? I used to have a high alcohol tolerance."
Tumango siya, tuluyan nang ibinaba ang baso sa center table at tumayo, halatang walang interes sa kung ano mang pinagsasabi ko.
It's like what he's about to do is more important than what I'm babbling about.
"Yes, you're already drunk."
I laughed because of his statement. Is that it? We can talk more about his flings.
"How about we continue our conversation next time so you can now rest?" He gently held my wrist.
It felt warm. I wanted to feel it longer on my skin but I shook my head, refusing what he would like me to do.
"I'm not that drunk yet, let's talk some more. I can still keep up with our conversation."
He sighed and got my glass from me when I almost spilled the alcohol's contents.
Saglit niya akong binitawan para mailagay na ang baso ko sa center table katabi no'ng kanya.
Napabuntong-hininga rin ako dahil sa ginawa niyang pagbitaw. I kinda wanted his hand to stay on my wrist.
"You can sleep now. I'll stay for a bit so I could clean this up. Aalis din ako pagkatapos nito."
I pursed my lips with what he said.
"I said I still want us to talk, Gon," I said a bit demandingly.
"You still have work tomorrow," napapaos niyang sagot.
Tila nagdadalawang-isip siya sa sariling desisyon. It's like he does wanted us to talk more, but he also doesn't want me to stay up late because I'm already drunk. Which I'm not.
Hindi pa nga ako tapos sa pangungumbinsi sa kanya nang kinuha niya na ang baso naming dalawa 'saka nagtungo sa sink.
He briskly washed it there, including the dishes that we used for dinner.
I pursed my lips as I watch his back. Natapos na lang siya sa ginagawa ay hindi ko pa rin inaalis ang paninitig sa kanya.
Nagkatagpo ang mga mata namin. And for the nth time, he sighed again.
"Where's your room? I'll take you there."
"Why? Will we continue our conversation there?"
Napahilamos siya sa mukha atsaka natawa. It wasn't a laugh of frustration or mocking, he just seemed so amused as he walked and sat towards me.
This time, he sat so close to me that our thighs, arms, and shoulders touched. My breathing hitched with the way that his warmth immediately enveloped me.
Pagilid ko siyang sinulyapan. As much as I want look at him more longer, my vision is already becoming blurry.
But I'm not sleepy though.
"Let's talk some more. I don't have to be early to work tomorrow. I don't have any client. You refused me, remember?"
"That's because of your code of ethics." I hear him stifling a smile.
Bigla tuloy pumasok sa isipan ko ang rason niya. He didn't sign a contract with me because if he did, then he won't be able to flirt with me.
I bit my lip and closed my eyes. I need to somehow change the topic just so I could stop feeling giddy. The alcohol on my system is even making it worse.
"Hmm... where did we stop with our conversation just awhile ago? Ah, about my alcohol tolerance getting low," I murmured and didn't stop myself from leaning my head on his shoulder.
Umayos siya sa pagkakaupo at marahang iniayos ang pagkakasandal ng ulo ko sa balikat niya.
He draped an arm around me just so I could be more comfortable. I closed my eyes once again, this time, because of his touch.
I parted my lips to let out a small breath.
"Naaalala mo noong college pa ako? I drank with jerks back then. I learned my lesson. Sa nakalipas na mga taon, hindi na ako masyadong umiinom. Kaya ngayon, ang dali ko nang matablan ng alak." I hiccuped once again.
He didn't respond. His fingers that are resting on my arm just started drawing small cricles there, slowly soothing me.
"It's my fault though, I was so stupid back then." I laughed to cover up the sudden shakiness of my voice.
Bahagyang tumigil ang mga daliri niya sa ginagawa. He stopped drawing circles on my arm and I felt how his eyes looked down on me, gently.
"I know that this doesn't erase that bad experience but I just want you to know that they paid for it. All of them."
"What do you mean?" Napaangat ako ng tingin sa kanya.
The top of my head touched his chin and he renewed the drape of his arm around me into a hug.
"I continued to file a lawsuit against them. They were in prison for four years or so, for the offenses of drug-facilitated sexual assault, public defamation, and photo vouyerism. Damn, I could've even dig a deeper grave for them."
"W-Wait, what?" Tuluyan na akong napaahon ngayon mula sa pagkakasandal sa kanya.
Parang bigla akong nahimasmasan sa bahagyang pagkakalasing dahil sa sinabi niya.
The way that he said those things, it seemed like he really went through all those hellish process just to bring justice to my tainted name and honor.
"They got what they deserve. Your dean... was even demoted from her position. She lacked better judgement for that matter," he said out of his breath.
It's as if reminiscing all about that situation in the past enrages him.
I shook my head in disbelief. Ilang saglit akong natahimik bago napakurap-kurap nang dahan-dahang inintindi ko ang lahat.
"You did all of that while I was gone?" my voice almost broke.
Hindi siya kumibo pero alam ko na ang sagot doon.
"You did all of that even when I left and fooled you, Gon?"
"Yes," he breathily said after a few seconds of silence.
My fingertips weakened and something heavy yet comforting tugged my heart. And before silence could even envelop us once again, I hugged him tight. So tight.
Tears fell on my eyes as I buried my face on his chest.
"I'm sorry, Gon. I'm so, so... sorry." I sobbed.
A lot of words are stuck on my throat. I couldn't utter more other than my sobs of sorrys.
I don't think I will ever deserve him.
Just thinking about how he still cared for me despite what I did to him made me hate myself. It made me think that maybe I should just disappear here. Now that we have talked, maybe this is already the closure that we needed.
But as I hug him tighter, I realized now that I have found comfort and solitude in his arms once again, I don't think I could ever leave him. Not again.