WARNING: This chapter contains a specific character's experience about sexual harassment. This may be triggering to readers with similar experiences. You can skip this chapter to prevent being exposed to past trauma. To those who will still continue, please engage in self-care as you read.
-----
Minor Offense
Bumilis ang tahip ng dibdib ko, at halos hindi ako makahinga. Nagtagal ang tingin ko sa pintuan na siyang kumalabog ilang segundo lang ang nakalilipas.
Nanginginig man ang mga tuhod ay nagawa ko pa ring tumayo, dahan-dahan at halos walang tunog.
"Tequila?! Are you even listening to me right now?!" Halos umalingawngaw na ang boses ni Mama sa loob ng kuwarto ko dahil sa sobrang tahimik ng paligid.
It's a scary silence. My lips quivered as I slowly turned the doorknob open.
Nang nabuksan ko na ito ay siya ring pagsarado ng katabing pintuan. Sa kuwarto ni Celest.
My eyes lingered on her door and the tension that I felt still didn't fade. My palms are sweating and I feel cold.
"Answer me Tequila, dahil kung hindi, ako na mismo ang pupunta diyan sa mansion ng mga Cavallero!" I almost can't recognize her voice from the other line.
The mellow tone that always seemed to me as a music that is played by her lips turned into a rough rhythm, leaving in my mind and chest an ugly and lingering note...
Nanatili sa isipan ko ang galit ni Mama pati na ang kalabog sa pinto sa kalagitnaan ng usapan namin. Kaya sa buong gabi ay hindi ako halos makatulog. Naging atentibo rin ang pandinig ko sa kung ano mang nangyayari sa labas.
Questions kept on circling inside my head. Did Celest somehow heard my conversation with Mama? But if she did, then why didn't she confront me or told the Cavalleros about it right away?
Sa umaga ay halos hindi na ako mapakali. Pakiramdam ko, kapag lalabas ako ng pintuan ng kuwarto ko ay bubungad kaagad sa akin ang galit na panunumbat ni Gon. Pero hindi iyon dumating.
What greeted me instead was his text.
Gon:
Good morning. Something came up at the office so I had to leave early. I already told the driver to take you to school this morning. Will see you later.
Though his message hinted that everything is still fine, I still can't get rid of the heavy feeling on my chest. Pakiramdam ko, hindi ako dapat na mag-relax.
And I need to be more careful right now. I shouldn't accept calls from Mama whenever I'm here at the Cavalleros' mansion. Or even when I'm alone at my room with my door locked.
In fact, I won't go to school this morning. Susundin ko ang gusto ni Mama na lumiban muna ako. I need to talk to her and make everything clear. My decision is final and I don't want to have anything to do with the plan anymore.
And maybe... maybe if I'll somehow convince Mama to stop the plan, then I'll continue being a working student here like nothing happened. It seemed like a selfish thought but I can't deny that I want it.
I want to be with Gon without any lies and deception anymore.
Pero sino nga ba ang niloloko ko rito? Even if I'll get to stop the plan and continue like nothing happened, I will still be deceiving Gon by keeping my first intentions a secret.
But somehow, I can't help but crave for a peaceful life, so much...
However, the more you want something, the more that you won't get the chance of having it. The more that you want to push for something to happen, the more that its possibility will pull away from you.
"What did I just hear from you last night, Tequila?! Are you seriously trying to drop our plans?!" Hinampas ni Mama ang mesa sa dining room namin.
We're here, in our old mansion. Nagpaalam naman si Mama kina Tita Reesa na bibisita muna rito. Because she knows that we can't talk about our plans there anymore. She is losing control and her rage can't be held back.
"Yes, Mama. Because I don't feel so good about it anymore." Nakayuko lang ako at halos hindi na makagalaw sa kinauupuan.
"What do you mean you don't feel good about it, Tequila? Nakokonsensya ka ba dahil lang doon ka nakatira sa mga Cavallero at pinapaaral ka nila? Ha?!" She stood up and pointed at me.
Napailing ako. Nang nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kanya ay nagbabadya na ang mga luha ko. Pakiramdam ko, hindi ko na mababago pa ang iniisip niya.
And I felt so hopeless while looking at her. She looks so sick and pale but she seemed like she couldn't care about her condition anymore. Her hairs are falling off and she is now wearing a bandana over her head, but instead of taking care of herself, she chose to take care of her hatred.
"Mama, please, hear me out first. Please..." I desperately held her hand as my tears continued to roll down my cheeks.
Bahagya siyang natigilan sa pagduro-duro sa akin. Para bang ngayon lang nagsink-in sa kanya ang ginagawa. Nagpakawala siya ng buntong-hininga bago naupo at kalmado nang tumango.
"Okay... I'll hear you out, Tequila. Make sure that your reasons are enough to convince me. Because honestly, I feel like the death of your Papa is nothing but an insignificant thing to you anymore." She frantically tapped her fingers on the table.
I let out a sigh out of relief. At least she calmed down and gave me a chance to talk and explain. It gave me a little hope, a small passageway out of this guilt that I'm feeling.
"I carried out the plan like you wanted. Gon rejected his engagement with Celest Gabriel. At gusto kong hanggang doon na lang ang gagawin ko Mama, let us not humiliate the Cavalleros anymore. I know that you are mad at the Cavalleros, but what can we possibly get from this revenge, Ma?"
Because it honestly is pointless. Noong una ay bulag na bulag ako sa kung anong dapat na gawin. Ang tanging alam ko lang ay galit si Mama sa ginawa ng mga Cavallero kay Papa, galit din ako.
Kaya ang tanging nakatatak lang sa isipan ko ay ang paghihiganti at gawin ang kahit na ano masira lang namin ang reputasyon nila kagaya na lang ng ginawa nilang paglapastangan sa reputasyon ng pamilya namin.
But after the revenge, will we ever be satisfied? Will we ever truly be happy?
What if the Cavalleros will get back at us too? Then, it will be an endless cycle of hatred, going on a loop and can never be corrected.
"Y-You mean, the oldest Cavallero's engagement with Celest Gabriel is called off?" Nag-angat ng tingin sa akin si Mama.
I looked at her too, studying her expression, trying to find any hint that she's somehow going to agree with me.
Her lips are slightly parted because of shock but when I looked at her eyes, it seems to be rejoicing.
"Yes... Gon rejected the idea of engagement between him and Celest Gabriel last night. Don Primero tried to stop him and even told him that Celest Gabriel's parents are about to arrive today to discuss about it. But he said that his decision on calling off the engagement will still remain the same..."
Napakunot ang noo ko, hindi mabalewala ang nakikitang saya sa mga mata ni Mama. Nagawa ko ngang sirain ang engagement ni Gon at Celest pero hindi ito ang pinakapunto ng plano ni Mama.
She was so determined to humiliate the Cavalleros that even if there's only just a slightest chance to scar their reputation and honor, she'll be willing to take any risk. But why do I feel like she's already satisfied with the engagement already being called off?
Akala ko magagalit siya at manghihinayang dahil kaonting-kaonti na lang ay magtatagumpay na ang plano namin.
"Y-You're right, anak. It's already enough. We can stop the plan now. It's enough that they lost a good opportunity to merge with the Gabriels!" She beamed at me.
Her wide smile almost seemed off... It's like she immediately switched emotions and it's quite confusing.
Kaya kahit man nagtagumpay ako sa pagkumbinsi kay Mama na itigil na ang planong ipahiya sa buong El Valencia ang mga Cavallero, ay hindi ko pa rin magawang maging masaya. Kasi, parang may hindi tama...
Sure, I want her to understand my point, but I never thought that it would be that easy. One mention about Gon calling off the engagement made her change her mind. Her satisfied reaction contradicts the whole point of her plan.
My mind lingered on it even when I hurriedly went to school just to be able to attend our last subject in the morning.
Kaya lang, nang saktong pagdating ko ay siya ring paglabas ng professor sa classroom. He spared me one disappointed glance before walking away. I was supposed to run after him and apologize but my classmates were also starting to get out of the classroom for our lunch break so I stepped aside to let them pass.
Bahagya silang natigilan at pinukulan agad ako ng mga kakaibang tingin. Atsaka sila nagbulungan sa isa't isa, na para bang hindi sila nag-aalinlangang pag-usapan ako kahit pa man nasa harapan lang nila ako.
"Ang kapal ng mukha niyang pumasok pa rin, hindi ba siya nahihiya sa scandal niya?"
My ears perked up upon hearing them whisper something about scandal.
What are they talking about? Ang tanging 'scandal' na naiisip ko ay iyong pag-aaway namin noong babae mula sa Business Ad Department. And the last time I checked, they already stopped talking about it because of that public apology.
My right hand's grip on my tote bag's strap tightened. I shook my head and also started walking along them towards the cafeteria's direction.
Sumabay sa paglalakad ko ang tatlong mga lalaking ka-block mate ko. They grinned at me maliciously and I walked faster to avoid them.
"Teka lang Tequila, ang bilis mong maglakad ah? Parang hindi pinagtulungan ng buong varsity team noong Sabado."
That mocking voice stopped me on my tracks. My breathing hitched and I immediately went cold, feeling the colors on my face disappear.
"Sa dami nila, ni hindi ko nga inakalang makakapaglakad pa siya."
"Sanay na 'yan! Sa landi niyang 'yan, huwag na kayong magtaka!"
And then everyone's loud laughs followed. Kahit iyong kakalabas lang din na mga estudyante sa classroom nila ay nakisali rin sa pagtawa. Na para bang alam na alam ng lahat ang pinag-uusapan nila at ako lang ang tanging walang kamuwang-muwang.
"Ano bang pinagsasabi niyo?!" I sternly said as I started walking back to approach them.
"Ano, Tequila? Sa sarap ba ng buong varsity team ay nakalimutan mo na ang nangyari?" Mapanuya siyang ngumisi sa akin at sinamahan pa ng malagkit na tingin.
Then a series of 'ooohs' and more mocking laughters followed.
What are they talking about? Varsity team? On Saturday?
Kaagad na binalikan ko sa isip ang nangyari noong Sabado sa party. Nakipag-usap ako sa tatlong mga babae. Nauna silang nalasing kesa sa akin at nakatulog sa table namin noong mag-aalas onse na.
I wasn't drunk enough. I was just tipsy. I rarely get drunk because of my high alcohol tolerance.
But when Colt approached me and gave me another glass of liquor, that's when I started feeling dizzy and lost my consciousness.
What happened after, I can't remember...
Nahigit ko ang hininga dahil sa mga maruruming bagay na biglaan ay rumaragasa na sa loob ng isipan ko.
Sa nanginginig na kamay ay buong lakas kong sinampal ang lalaking kausap.
Mas lalong umingay ang buong hallway dahil sa ginawa ko pero wala na akong pakealam pa sa reaksyon nila at dali-dali nang nagmartsa patungo sa soccer field kung saan madalas na tumatambay ang varsity team.
Maraming estudyante ang nakasalubong ko sa daan at lahat sila ay pare-pareho lang din ang mga reaksyon at bulungan habang pinagtitinginan ako.
Naninikip ang dibdib ko habang naglalakad sa malawak na field. Nasa kalayuan ang varsity team at kaagad nila akong pinagtitinginan. Dito pa lang ay kitang-kita ko na ang pagngisi nila at pagpasada ng tingin sa buong katawan ko.
"What the hell happened, Colt?! Why is everyone talking about a certain scandal?! About me and your friends in the varsity?!" Dinuro ko kaagad siya nang napalapit na.
He looked away and started walking towards the benches, trying to avoid my confrontation.
Nagpupuyos sa galit ay sinundan ko kaagad siya pero isang hablot lang sa braso ko ay napaharap agad ako sa isang kasama niya sa varsity. Pinalibutan agad ako ng iilan pang mga kasama nila.
"Nakalimutan mo na ba Tequila? I touched you there." Malagkit na tingin ang iginawad niya sa dibdib ko.
Disgust loomed in my system and I felt nauseous as they all crowded around me. My heartbeat became erratic and it felt like I'm slowly losing my breath.
"Tingnan mo? You liked it right?"
Then from his phone, he showed me a picture...
Of me, lying on the bed, topless with only my bra on...
Nakapikit ako at tila hinang-hina, napapalibutan ng mga kaibigan ni Colt sa varsity team. The guy who showed me the phone was touching my breasts while the others where touching me all over. On my stomach, on my arms, and on my thighs...
"What the fuck, Colt?! We trusted you, you asshole!"
Boses nila Quan, Heron, at Killian ang narinig kong dumating bago ako tuluyang bumagsak sa lupa, naninikip ang dibdib at kinakapos ng hininga.
Atsaka ako tuluyang nilukob ng paligid na unti-unting nagkukulay itim...
It's been pure darkness for quite a while before the buzzing of the water dispenser, the slightest rustling of some fabric, and some careful steps woke me up.
Kaagad akong napapitlag at napaupo mula sa pagkakahiga 'saka nagsumiksik sa kama. Inilibot ko ang tingin at napagtantong nasa school clinic pala ako.
Sa harap ko ay ang kakapasok lang na si Quan, Heron, at Killian, na puno ng pasa ang mga mukha.
"W-What happened?" nanginginig ang boses ko nang tanungin sila.
Their faces were critical and Killian sighed while the other two were gravely silent.
"Colt... that motherfucker set you up," Killian muttered, clenching his jaw.
"Did he give you a drink, Tequila?"
I looked at Heron because of his question. 'Saka ako napayuko, nanginginig ang mga labi at nagbabadya ang mga luha.
The picture that I saw flashed back on my mind and I fisted my hands on my lap.
"Yes... I remember that he gave me one glass before I completely lost consciousness. And I swear I wasn't drunk! You all know that I have high tolerance for alcohol. But with just the shot that he gave me, I became extremely dizzy and I can't even remember anything after that..."
"That's it. He fucking put sedatives or some kind of drugs on your drink!" Napahilot sa sentido niya si Heron.
Quan, who's been extremely quiet and silently seething with rage shifted on his weight. With his bloodshot eyes, he looked at me with regret.
"It's my fault... I'm sorry Tequila. I saw him leading you somewhere. No'ng tinanong ko, ang sabi niya ay ituturo niya lang daw sa 'yo kung nasaan ang restroom. He was draping his arms around your shoulders so I haven't clearly seen that you were unconscious."
Napailing ako at napaangat na ng tingin sa kanila. Sunod-sunod ang pagpatak ng mga luha ko. Ang kamay na nakakuyom sa hita ay iniiwas ko sa sariling balat.
The picture keeps rewinding inside my head and I feel disgusted. In the past long years that I've been judged, belittled, and discriminated, this is the first time that I truly felt like trash.
"W-Wala naman sigurong nangyaring mas malala pa 'di ba?" I asked them with my shaky voice.
Halos iiwas na nilang lahat ang tingin sa akin. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang guilt nila. But I can't assure them that it's okay and that it's no one's fault.
"Y-You came back after ten minutes or so, Tequila..." Quan mumbled.
Ten minutes... nothing more could've happened within that span of time, right? Maybe they just took that picture. But still, the thought never made me feel even slightly better.
I know I've always tried to constantly build myself up mentally strong but somehow, in this moment, I blamed myself. There are so many what ifs circulating inside my head right now.
At nag-uunahan sila, nagsisingitan. Sana hindi na lang ako pumunta roon, sana hindi na lang ako uminom, sana hindi na lang ako nakipag-kaibigan pa sa kahit na sinong lalaki...
But how can I regret being friends with boys in general though? Quan is here, Killian and Heron too. And I can see how they clearly cared for me. Pati nga sila ay nadamay na nang pinatawag kami ng Dean sa office.
The whole time we were in the office, I did nothing but scream in the faces of those varsity players. Even my guy friends weren't calm about the situation.
I was almost expelled from the school if I didn't stand up for myself. The Dean who was too neglectful of my reasons at first got talked into some sense. So, in the end, Colt and the rest of the varsity team got suspended.
And it was quite unfair. Dahil noong hahatulan na sana ako ng Dean, expulsion na kaagad. Pero ngayong napatunayan ko ngang ang mga lalaki sa varsity team ang may kasalanan, suspension lang?
Well, those fucking bastards all have the connection. Iyong iba ay kabilang sa iilang mayayamang pamilya dito sa El Valencia. That guy who showed me the picture, was the nephew of the Dean herself.
And Colt? His family is one of the investors here in school. I also found out that the reason he was sent here in El Valencia in the first place, is because he's got a case about being an accomplice of sexual harassment back in Manila.
The Dean tried to reason that they should just be suspended in the meantime because 'nothing more' happened. Because they 'just took a picture' of me. Because it was 'only a touch' on some of my intimate parts.
Nothing more, just took a picture, only a touch. It wasn't just any of those. It was fucking too much! But sometimes– no, most of the times; when the truth comes out from the mouth of a powerless girl like me, it is twisted, it is bent, and reworded as a minor offense...