I've gotten good at muffling my screams after every nightmare. So good that I don't need a silencing charm. It seems like almost every time I try to close my eyes, I get engulfed in fire and blood. Sitting up, I try to still my shaking eyes and steady my breath. My throat was constricting and my vision was blurry.
I don't even know why I try to even bother. Exhausted but irrationally, I decided to get up and make my way to the common room. I put on my green jacket that went over my shorts and sliped my feet in pink slippers.
Trudging to the common room, I spot the fire flickering in its place. Slowly and tentatively, I made my way and sat cross-legged in front of the fire.
I have a complicated relationship with fire. On one hand, I hate it. I hate how caustic it is, and how destructive it can be. But on the other, it's simply warm. I wonder if I can truly befriend it. I absentmindedly reached my hand over to the fire. The fire tickled and danced along my fingers. I barely feel it burn me. It's warm, with a tinge of pain. I haven't felt much warmth in my life-
"What are you doing?" I jerked my hand back and cradled it with my other hand. Sticking it in my hoodie pocket I turned around and met Tom. He was wearing a white shirt paired with green joggers. He doesn't even have shoes or socks. "Nothing." I sighed. My breath was shaky as I tried to cover up my self harm attempt. It wasn't intentional I swear-
He cast a ward against the fire. To prevent me from reaching in. I got up and sat on the comfy couch. Craning my neck to look at the ceiling. I could barely manage to look Tom in the eyes. He's probably disappointed at how weak I am.
Tom took my hand and examined the damage.
"It's nothing much, but you obviously shouldn't do that." I shook my head. "It's warmer-"
"You could've burned yourself." He interrupted. I can hear him take out some salve and massage it on my burnt finger. I don't know why he suddenly cares, but I can now understand why he's the head boy for this house.
"I'm fine. Stop being so sappy. It's just a burn." He scoffed, rubbing the salve in the burn wound. My finger was soothed, and I can feel my skin heal magically.
"It's a self-inflicted burn. I refuse to let my housemate hurt themselves in my common room." I took a deep breath.
"it's nothing compared to my night terrors. I don't think I can ever sleep properly ever again, even with pills or sleeping drought, it's meaningless." Looking over, I can see Tom's frown. He got up for a moment and reached into a chest that was at the right corner of the room. He took out a quilted Green and Silver blanket and draped it over me. He sensed that I was cold. How did he read me so well?
"I'll brew some tea, stay on the couch and try not to pull anything idiotic on me." I rolled my eyes as he trudged back to the room.
Before I can even think, someone else entered the common room. "Y/n?" A tired voice sounded through. I looked and spotted Draco. He was wearing a green hoodie with grey sweatpants. Running his hands through his hair, he made his way and sat next to me.
"What are you doing here?" He immediately spotted my bandaged finger.
"What happened?" He seemed to perk up because now he was concerned.
"I burned myself." There's no use in lying at this point. "What?" His voice raised, seeming anxious, he ran his finger over the bandage. He got his wand out and was about to cast a ward against the fire.
"No need, I cast it already." We both looked and saw Tom carrying a tray with three steaming teacups. "I knew you'd be here, Malfoy." He set the tray down and took his seat next to me.
"Tom, is it true, did she actually burn herself?" He nodded, taking the teacup he gave to my unburnt hand. I blew the steam away and sipped at the tea. The liquid ran down my throat. I was so warm. It was semi comforting, and helped keep the thoughts away.
"Why?" Draco's voice was getting louder and higher. "Shhh. Others are sleeping, Draco." Tom scolded him. Draco scoffed. He didn't seem to care about anyone else... Except me.
"Why are you so calm Tom? Your housemate hurt herself!" He whispered. His teeth was gritted as he looked down on himself for not stopping me.
"There's no use to freaking out. It will intimidate them." I nodded, feeling the warm tea slide down my throat, and I started forming words.
"If it will calm you down, I promise I won't burn myself. It was stupid anyway. I just want to fucking sleep." I grunted out. Burying my face in my hands I took deep breaths. I wish I can sleep. Why can't I? Why can't I be the normal twin? Why do I feel so bloody inadequate next to Harry bloody Potter?
"So the sleeping draughs don't work?" Draco asked before drinking his tea. He was tensing up at every sigh and quiver of my voice.
"Apparently. I might need to make you a different potion." Tom offered. I shook my head. I refuse for him to waste his time on a lost cause like me.
"Don't waste your talents on me, I'm fine." My voice came out in fractured syllables. Everything is getting too much. The pit in my chest deepened. My heart seemed to fight against my ribcage. Like it was trying to rip my body apart. I barely notice the tears going down my cheeks until I was pulled into a hug. My torso was being cradled against a lean body. His arms were framing my shoulders and back. I can feel him resting his chin on top of my head. "I got you," Draco murmured, running his thumb across my jawline, I started sobbing. I felt like i was choking on my spit and drool. Whimpering, my irrational thoughts started tumbling out of my mouth in fractured sentences.
I can feel Tom shuffle about, he took the tea kettle and refilled my teacup as I was trying to control the sound of my sobs and screams. My body was going through a series of jerks and tremors. I struggled against Draco's hold. But he was resolute in holding me together. I haven't cried this much in a long time. But I was placed in an unfamiliar school, my brother probably doesn't even like me and I'll probably be bullied in my house. My mom is all alone, I have a dark lord trying to fucking kill me, I wish I can be good enough for my brother and I simply,
want
to
die.
Sniffling, I tried to talk but my words tumbled out of my mouth instead. My thoughts tried to rearrange themselves but it looked like scrambled alphabet soup.
"My brother won't even look me in the eyes. And I was looking forward to getting to know him." That was my sole problem. I desperately wanted to get to know the only living blood family I had, and he doesn't even want me. I cried as I hugged myself, trying to keep myself together. My fingernails dug into my shoulders.
"Shh, just hold me, it's alright." He cooed. I was hesitant in wrapping my arms around his torso. But I did and buried my face against his chest. My hands clutched the fabric of his hoodie. I used that to try to ground myself. That's when I noticed how taller he was than me. I shifted to sit on his lap. Muffling my cries against his soft green hoodie. It smelt like apples. I realized that I don't need a fire to warm me.
All I needed was him.
After a few hours, I calmed down as Draco traced soothing circles on my shoulder. Tom chuckled to himself. "Draco Malfoy, who knew that you were capable of showing affection." Draco scoffed.
"I can say the same to you when it comes to Morgan." Tom shrugged. "Touché."
I struggled, tightening my hold, I started apologizing. But Draco interrupted my first sorry. "You're hurt. Don't apologize for hurting." He pushed me closer to his body. Laying his cheek on my head, he started making conversation with Tom as I focused on the evening my breathing.
"Rumor has it that you've befriended Y/n," Tom told him. I can feel Draco roll his eyes. He seems to be fed up with the gossiping. But I knew Tom was just making conversation. He didn't care.
"For the first time in forever, that's true. She's my best friend." I sniffed. Best friend? We just met yesterday. But at the same time, he is holding me together when I was a sobbing mess. A tired smile graced my lips
"Best friend? I like that term." I giggled.
----
I groggily walked towards the Slytherin table and sat next to Morgan. Yawning, I took a spoonful of cheerios and shoved them in my mouth.
"You look like shit." Morgan remarked. Nodding, I didn't notice Draco, Blaise and Pansy join me until one of them spoke.
"Tom is in the middle of brewing you a better sleep potion. Are you ok?" Draco gave me his apple. He wanted me to eat frequently. Often fussing over my dietary habits. Like a overprotective father.
"Yeah, I-"
"Can I talk to you?" I turned and saw my brother. He looked serious and uncomfortable. Fiddling with his fingers. I sat up and trailed him as he shot a glare at Draco.
He pulled me aside and told me, "Don't hang out with Malfoy anymore. Hes not good for you." I groaned. This bitch-
"Those are the first words you said to me after the sorting hat ceremony. Not, 'how's it going y/n? Are you ok Y/n?'. Sod off. I don't care if you hate the guy. He helps me with my crippling anxiety and my night terrors. He was there when it counted. Now excuse me while I go back and eat with my family." I spat, turning back and walking to my Slytherin table.
"Unbeleivable." Draco groaned. "the absolute gal of that guy. Man, who does that?!" Draco ranted and rambled about my brother. Recounting the infuriating moments he had with him. Granted, all of those moments were instigated by Draco himself, but still. It was entertaining to listen to.
I felt someone sit next to me and I turned to see who it is. It was Tom. He slid a ID card towards me. I caught it and examined it.
"Whats this?" I shifted its weight against the palm of my hand.
"It's a slytherin thing. Every Slytherin student has a ID card with verifying information. It surprisingly helps the teachers and mediwitches identify students. It's also used as a pass to visit Hogsmeade." Tom explained the system in which he makes the cards. He pours through school records and pulls information and their recent photo out of the record books. He was able to single handedly give all of the Slytherin students an ID card.
"Keep it a secret. Only the teachers and staff know about this." I ran my finger over the pressed flower. "Thank you, this actually makes me feel a bit better." I flashed him a smile.
---
During Snape's class, we were tasked to brew the Antidote to common Posions. This is my favorite since I hate being poisoned. Especially with that stupid truth potion. Draco and I switched positions. I was on Cauldron duty and he was prepping the ingrediants.
Stage 1:
It was a little bit noisy in the room, but I can only focus on Draco's voice and what he was doing.
Draco crushed one Bezoar in his mortar and handed me four measures of the crushed ingrediant. The mortar ground against the pedestal methodically. When he gave me the cup of crushed Beozar, I sprinked it in the slightly bubbling water. Stirring two times clockwise, we fell into a causal conversation. Like we usually did at this time. The water sloshed around as Draco expressed his concerns about me.
"Are you sure you seem fine with Potter?" He looked disgusted when he called his name. But concern was dormant on his face. He seemed unapologetically concerned for me, its uncanny considering how he'd cover his affections towards Pansy and Blaise.
"It will take some getting used to, but I have you. Am I right?" I can see him faintly blush as he nodded his head. Completely agreeing with my statement as he tried to focus on the ingredients. He started grinding the standard ingrediant.
I added two measures of standard ingrediant and turned the temperature up to a even median, for 5 seconds.I can hear the water bubbling. Not too aggressively but not too slowly, perfect. I tentatively waved my wand before covering the pewter cauldron and setting a internal timer for 45 minutes.
"You might be better than me." Draco admits. I snapped my head and looked him in the eye. I grimaced, feeing gross at the very thought of being better than someone.
"Don't say that, I don't want to be better than anyone." Its a notion that bothered me. he narrowed his eyes.
"Why?" He sputtered. Aparently he couldn't comprehend the concept of humility. Not that he had any in the first place.
"Because, people would expect more from me. I can barely managed my own expectations. How can I keep up with all the others." I look over the pewter caldron to check if nothing has boiled over. Nothing did. I had this unhealthy compulsion with checking over key details. My mom says its borderlining on OCD but I beg to differ.
"I- I understand. I'll be more mindful about that." I caught his uneasy tone, but I can feel someone staring at me. I turned and saw Harry's friend. The one with the messy hair. She seemed interested but guarded. Was she monitoring me, Draco or both of us? I hate the fact that I can tell if people stare at me.
"Well, thank you. Despite your horrid reputation, you're surprisingly nice to me. Why so?" I uncovered the caldron and added a pinch of unicorn horn to my caldron. Rubbing my fingers together, I stagged the interval at which the flakes of the horn fell into the caldron. The flakes drifted on top of the rolling water.
"I have no idea. You just seem to level me out. Which is ironic since your brother never fails to make me want to hex him." He explained as I stirred the caldron 2 times clockwise. The water followed my potion stick. Making small splashing sounds. I can hear the ingredients forming together. The small reactions they make against each other. It makes sense. I haven't seen those two in action. I hope its not as bad as what everyone says it is.
I shifted and caught the mistletoe berries that Draco was throwing me. I giggled, palming the small berries in my hand. I counted to see if I had the correct amount as I added it to the developing antidote. The people around me seemed to be murmuring about the two of us. Which I don't even understand. Draco is popular, but why do people give a damn?
Stirring two times anti clockwise, I asked him this nagging question, while listening to any changes to the potions. I get hyperfocused on times like these.
"What do your friends think of you being friends with me?" He clicks his tongue and shrugs.
"They were cool with it. I think the Slytherin house accepts you. Who wouldn't? You're pretty calm and level headed despite your brother." I tried to wrap my head around the concept of acceptance as I waved my wand to tie off the process. The potion was now completed. It has the right color and consistency. Thank Merlin.
I hate messing up.
I notice that we were the first pair done with the potion. Like always, Snape didn't judge our potion until everyone else was done so I kept it warm in the caldron and fell into a question game with Draco. We were laughing and goofing around as everyone else tried to concentrate without gossiping.
"Never have I ever spray painted a private property." I prompted. He put his finger on.
"Merlin-"
"No story. I'll tell you later." He smirked. Grinning, he went ahead with another prompt.
"Never have I ever pulled a prank." I put my finger down .
"Duh! Practically everyone in Slytherin has pulled one! I have so many plans with this school."
This was the first time in a long time when I was truly comfortable with a person. And it's a person that my brother hates.
Oh well.
---
"Yet again, Draco and Y/n's potion is the prime example of getting things done efficiently and quickly. 40 points to Slytherin." Snape droned. I shot him a proud expression.
I hope I can get used to this.
---
I was suddenly pulled aside by Harry's female friend. "hey, I was wondering. How did you get Draco to be nice to you?" She had a pencil and pad out. I shrugged. She had this calm but curious glint in her eyes. I think the girl is just curious about me and Draco. She wasn't reprimanding me but simply curious.
"He told me that I balance him out and I'm more chill than my brother. I guess that's why he's nice." I droned on about the previous conversations I had with him as the girl scribbled down varying details of the account.
"Mhm, he just treats you so much better than everyone else. He has varying degrees of cruelty or apathy towards his classmates and sometimes his friends. But you, you always seem to bring out the good in him." She wrote down her notes. I have no idea why she was suddenly so interested, but I like a curious mind.
"Hey, do you want to sit at the library, we can talk more." I mumbled, I felt pretty anxious. I wasn't good at asking people to hang out, but she nodded enthusiastically and pulled me along.
--
The library was so large. There was sprawling bookcases and tables all arranged in a straight line.
We were seated at a small table in the corner of the room. The girl, who's name is Hermione, took out her textbooks and notebooks. She was writing something down in her DADA notebook. Her eyes wrinkled in confusion. She was struggling with a concept.
"I'm stumped, how do I deflect spells again?" I perked up.
"Well, you first need to think of your wand as a sword. Your wand needs to absorb the spell cast against you and you need to redirect it somewhere else. Preferably the ground. Here, cast Aguamente.
"Aguamente!" I caught the pool of spell water on my wand and redirected it into a empty glass cup.
"Do you understand?" She nodded, writing down my instructions she seemed thrilled.
"Finally! I found a student that can actually teach! I wish I talked to you sooner, I'm sorry. I was too busy trying to get Harry to talk to you that I forgot to talk to you myself. Would you give me the pleasure of being your study buddy?" Her eyes brigthened. Never have I ever felt so much excitement.
"Sure, just don't expect me to know everything." I chuckled.
"We will both try to." She said, matter of factly.
She went back to her textbook as I took out a Ipod and put my earbuds in my ears.
"That's contraband." She acknowledges, but does nothing to notify the staff.
"I secretly record my classes so I can write my notes independently." She nods, seeming impressed at my cheat study tactics. "Smart, I'm finally friends with someone sensible, instead of those two dolts that I call family."
"Hey!" We both looked up and met the eyes of a ginger kid.
"How did you find us, Ron?" He scoffed.
"Mione, this is a second home to you." He sat next to Hermione and held his hand out for me to shake.
"Ron, Ron Weasley." I shook his hand, giving him a short smile. "I've heard a lot about you already. They call you the "calm one." to compare you with Harry. I see it. Sorry for my lack of absence. I was trying to get Harry to get to know you." Just like Hermione did. Weird.
"Thank you both. I appreciate the efforts." I scribbled some drawings in a sketchbook. I started a new
sketch page of Draco. Hermione took a peak at my book and smiled.
"You're so good at drawing! Do you mind coming out with me tomorrow? I want to go to the garden to catalog the magical herbs. Can you draw them out for me?" I nodded. Grinning, I was glad to find two people who didn't discriminate against me.