Chapter 37
Grief
It was already eleven in the evening when I decided to leave after answering some of my mother's questions regarding Aedion. Papa did not come back for dinner after answering the call earlier. I went to his office para magpaalam. He was still on his phone, kaya tahimik lang akong nagpaalam. Papa nodded and stared at me for a few seconds before turning back to the documents on his table.
"I'll be fine, Mama." I said.
Huminto ako sa harap ng front door upang lingunin si Mama. She's getting worried for me again just like when I was on my way here.
"I have a meeting tomorrow morning with a client. I also need to talk to my manager about the issue. Baka maipit ako sa traffic bukas kung dito po ako magpapalipas ng gabi,"
Mama nodded slowly. "Naiintindihan ko. Text me when you get home, okay?"
"I will,"
Sandali ko siyang pinagmasdan. I thought after our confrontation, I could slowly treat her the same way as I did before this whole mess started. Now I realize, that won't happen coz every time I look at her, I'd remember the things she told me earlier, kung papaano niya inamin ang kaniyang kasalanan at kung gaano siya nagsisisi.
It made me see her in a different light, though that doesn't mean I'll love her less. She's still the same person as the one that I looked up to ever since I was young. Pero hindi gaya noon, I don't see her as someone who's always kind, understanding, and selfless. Rather, I see her as someone who once made the wrong decisions, someone who caused emotional pain to others, but is continuously trying to change and be a better version of herself.
I was about to turn my heel when I noticed Kuya Azekiel walking down the stairs. Now wearing more comfortable clothes, plain white shirt and black cotton shorts. His hair was disheveled and still damped, making me sure he just got out of shower. His dark monolid eyes quickly found mine.
"Ako na ang maghahatid sa kaniya." he said without taking his eyes off me.
Mama gave me a worried look. Kuya Azekiel was obviously against what Papa wanted—to talk to Aedion. And how Aedion and I got back together. At kung hindi pa sapat na batayan ang pananahimik niya kanina sa hapag, then the irritation written all over his face now totally gave him away.
I gave Mama a reassuring smile before turning back to my brother.
"Sige." I said.
Nag-aalala man, hinayaan ni Mama na si Kuya Azekiel ang maghatid sa akin. We stepped out of the mansion and walked quietly to where my car was. I asked him a few questions regarding his date and his company. Tipid lang niyang sinagot ang mga 'yon. He would always throw me an annoyed look when I turn to him pero hindi ko na lang iyon pinapansin.
Nang marating na namin ang aking sasakyan at mabuksan ko na ang pinto sa driver's seat, 'saka niya isinatinig ang kanina pang gustong sabihin. With an annoyed look, his brows furrowed and jaw clenched a few times as if he's trying to restrain his anger.
"Seryoso ka ba sa ginagawa mo, Yuri? Have you forgotten what his father did?" he said in a cold tone.
I sighed. Akmang magsasalita, I stopped when he spoke again.
"And don't tell me it was his father and not him. I won't accept that fucking reason again."
Tinikom ko ang aking bibig at tahimik na pinagmasdan ang aking kapatid. A sudden wave of realization hit me as I stared at his dark eyes dripping with anger.
Looking at him feels like looking at my old self, the one that was so driven by anger that only bitterness flowed in my system and revenge was all I could think of.
Hindi ko alam kung papaanong sa gitna ng galit kong 'yon, I still found a way to think rationally. Or maybe because I knew that Aedion and I are on the same position. We just got tangled with our parents' issues. Still, I can't blame Kuya Azekiel or the other people who might have the same opinion as him with our relationship. After all, Aedion is the son of Arthur Siervo, the man who tried to kill my father.
I guess what made me realize all these was when I lost my baby. Doon ko lang naintindihan ang mga sinabi sa akin ni Mama. Doon ko lang napagtanto na walang magbabago kung sakaling makaganti man ako gaya ng gusto kong mangyari noon. All of these will only end up to a cycle of hatred and revenge. Iyon din marahil ang dahilan kung bakit pinili nila Mama na huwag sabihin sa amin ang nangyari. They don't want me and Azekiel to get involved.
Thinking about it thoroughly, this may also be the reason why Aedion never told me anything about his parents before. Maybe this is why he never liked sharing his past to me before. Because unlike my parents, his parents passed all the hatred and pain that they're carrying to him.
The side of my lips slowly rose for a smile. Instead of explaining to Kuya, I took a step forward and wrapped my arms around his body, hugging him lightly. Natigilan siya. I felt how he flinched a bit for what I did. I leaned my cheek on his chest.
"I'll be fine, Kuya. Thank you for worrying about me." I said softly.
I left after that. Hindi na sinubukan pa ni Kuya Azekiel na pigilan ako sa pagsunod ng gustong mangyari ni Papa. Though he told me that I should think about my relationship with Aedion, as if he's trying to make me change my mind about it. Kaya lang, sa tingin ko, wala nang makakapagpabago pa ng isip ko ngayon.
Medyo natagalan ako sa pag-uwi dahil sa traffic gawa ng malakas na ulan. Ang dami tuloy tanong ni Mama nang nag message ako sa kaniya nang makauwi na ako. Kakalabas ko palang ng sasakyan pagkatapos mag park sa basement parking ng condominium nang tawagan niya ako.
"Anong sinabi sa'yo ng Kuya mo kanina?" si Mama matapos masigurong nakauwi na ako.
I locked my car and started to walk towards the elevator as I talk to her.
"He doesn't like Aedion," diretso kong sinabi.
Mama sighed. "Huwag kang mag-alala, kakausapin ko 'yang Kuya mo. Nag-away ba kayo bago ka umalis?"
"Hindi po,"
Mama was saying something but I wasn't listening anymore. Naagaw na ang atensyon nang makita ang pamilyar na sasakyan sa parking area.
I stopped my tracks when I noticed Aedion's black Land Cruiser. Nilingon ko ang elevator at nakita siyang papasok.
"Sige po, uh... ibababa ko na 'Ma," nagmamadali kong sinabi habang papalapit sa elevator.
"Sige. Ako nang bahala sa Kuya mo. Good night, hija,"
"Good night po," I said as I run towards the elevator.
Aedion already saw me before I stepped inside the elevator and ended the call. Nagkatitigan kami. I was still catching my breath after suddenly running when he swiftly held my hand and pulled me to stand next to him. Aedion pushed the button to the right floor.
Silence stretched between us for a few seconds as I go back to everything that happened today and think of how I am going to start telling him all about it. Slowly, I looked down to his hand holding mine. Bumuntong hininga ako.
"Nagkausap na kami ni Mama," I said as I decided to start with that topic. "She told me what happened between her and... your mother,"
Tumango siya at bumaling sa akin. I lifted my eyes to him.
"Did you asked her everything that you want to know?"
I shook my head. "No, but what she told me was enough."
I still might not know how Arthur Siervo got involved with this. And why he was that furious with Papa. Even so, I am convinced that my father did not deserve what he did to him. They both have their own family and whatever he do, it won't change what already happened. Taking my father's life won't change anything. And it definitely won't bring his wife back. Hindi ko na isinatinig pa iyon.
"Alam na nila ang tungkol sa atin," is what I told him next.
Sandali ko siyang pinagmasdan, hinihintay kung ano ang magiging reaksyon niya. Aedion remained serious, not showing even a glint of shock or anything. I continued.
"I wasn't actually planning on telling them about us tonight, but I already told Mama and... Papa knew all this time! Tito David's men are still following you!" tumaas ang boses ko sa huling sinabi, medyo gulat pa rin sa sinabi sa akin ni Papa kanina.
Aedion sighed. "I know,"
My eyes widened. I gasped. "You knew? And you didn't even tell me?"
"If I did, you would've asked your father to send me away again," he fired back.
Hindi ako nakapagsalita. Gusto ko man itanggi, pakiramdam ko 'yon nga ang gagawin ko kung sakaling maaga kong nalaman ang tungkol rito.
Ngumuso ako. I can't help but to stare at him in awe. He knew he's being followed yet he still went back in Manila and pursued me. I get that he is working here, pero kung hindi hinayaan ni Papa na lumalapit siya sa akin at nguling paalisin rito that also means he'll lose his current job that he worked hard for.
Aedion turned to me, siguro'y naramdaman ang pagtitig ko. One of his brows raised tila nagtatanong kung bakit ako nakatitig. I averted my eyes and pouted more. Kung alam niyang pinasusundan siya ni Papa, nasisiguro kong inaasahan na niya ang susunod kong sasabihin.
"Papa wants to speak to you," I said.
"Kailan?"
Umismid ako. I lifted my eyes back to him. Agad nagtama ang mga mata namin. A ghost of smile played on his lips. Same old over confident Aedion, huh?
"Do you have time tomorrow night? If you're busy, I can ask Papa to move it some other day,"
"Puwede ako bukas ng gabi." he answered coolly.
The door slide opened. Doon ko lang napansin na nakarating na kami sa tamang palapag kung nasaan ang unit ko.
"Let's talk about this tomorrow. Magpahinga ka na," Aedion said, encouraging me to go.
I nodded and stepped out of the elevator. Ngunit agad din huminto, 'di pa man tuluyang nakakalabas. I turned my heel and faced Aedion who's watching me. Curiosity filled his eyes for what I did.
Puwede ko itong sabihin sa kaniya bukas o mas mabuti, pagkatapos niyang makausap sina Papa. Kaya lang, tingin ko, kung hindi ko pa ito sasabihin sa kaniya ngayon, baka nguli lang akong pangunahan ng takot at guilt. I took a step closer to him.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"There's still something I wanna tell you," I said and gulped.
Aedion pressed the button so the door won't close. I paused for a bit as I try to calm myself down. I took a deep breath, a futile attempt to calm my pounding heart. I can feel my stomach turn as my system is slowly being filled with guilt just by thinking about that day.
I took another step forward, stepping back inside the elevator. Aedion watched me intently. I swallowed hard.
"I know I should have told you this sooner. But I just felt so guilty..." I paused and took another deep breath. "The doctor told me it was inevitable. That I will still lose the baby even if I—"
"What are you talking about?" he cut me off in a critical tone.
My heartbeat doubled after hearing his voice. I kept my eyes elsewhere. Kahit saan, huwag lang sa kaniya. Because I don't think I can say it while looking at him. A tear rolled down my cheeks.
"I-I was pregnant..." I said almost a whisper.
Silence stretched between us. All I could hear was the loud beating of my heart at ang malalalim kong hininga. I waited for him to say something but nothing came.
"I already had a hunch that I was yet I kept on denying it to myself because I was... mad at you..."
Hearing my own words hurt. It makes me realize just how petty my reasons were.
Hindi pa rin siya nagsalita.
"Nakumpirma ko lang noong dinala nila ako sa ospital after I collapsed. I'm sorry. Maybe the doctor was right. O baka sinabi niya lang 'yon para pagaanin ang loob ko. Maybe if I didn't deny it, maybe if I took care of myself, that wouldn't have happened..."
The door behind me closed. This time, Aedion did not stop it from closing. My heart is still pounding hard against my ribcage. Ngunit ramdam ko ang pag gaan ng aking kalooban matapos masabi ito sa kaniya. Huminga ako ng malalim.
"Or maybe... no matter what I did, He will still take the baby from me. Dahil alam Niya na iyon ang mas makabubuti," marahan at halos pabulong kong dagdag.
This was one of the things that I realized after talking to my mother. That maybe, He really chose to take my baby away because He knew I would only make his or her life miserable.
I was so mad at Aedion and his family that time. Ganoon na rin kay Octavia. If my baby ever survived and was born to this world, I could already imagine myself projecting my pain and anger to him. I could imagine how I will raise him hating his own father. Just thinking about it breaks my heart.
Nabalot kami ng katahimikan. Honestly, I don't know what to expect. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang magiging reaksyon niya sa oras na malaman niya ito. A huge part of me thinks that, just like most men who got their lover pregnant, he will be relieved once he learned that the baby was gone. Dahil bukod sa malaking responsibilidad ng pagkakaroon ng anak, he never wanted to have a baby in the first place. While a small part of me thought that just like me, he was also ready to accept the responsibility of having a child.
I wiped the tears on my cheeks and shook my head a bit. Why am I thinking about this? Isn't the answer too obvious? At kung ang reaksyon niya ay katulad sa karamihan, naiintindihan ko. We're still in college that time. And after what his father did to Papa, it was such a bad timing to get pregnant. I mentally cursed myself for thinking that way.
May tutol man ang aking kalooban sa huling naisip, hindi ko maipagkakaila na medyo gumaan ang pakiramdam ko dahil doon. Huminga ako ng malalim at umayos ng tindig.
"Sorry, I sounded like I was making some excuses. I guess I don't really deserve to—"
Without a word, Aedion crouched and leaned his forehead on my shoulder, cutting me off.
Ang unti-unti kong kumakalmang puso ay nguling naghuramentado lalo na nang maramdaman ko ang pagpulupot ng kaniyang braso sa aking baywang, pulling me closer to him. It wasn't only his touch that makes me weak, but also the way he holds me tightly. He's embracing me as if he's trying to take all the pain away.
Tears stung my eyes once more. I can hear his struggled inhales as he remained that way. Kumapit ako sa kaniyang braso nang maramdaman ang unti-unting panghihina ng aking mga tuhod.
"I'm sorry..." he said.
Hot tears flowed down my cheeks. Hindi man niya sinabi kung para saan, nakuha ko na kaagad. His words, no matter how short, were comforting yet it hurts at the same time. I swallowed hard trying to push away the lump in my throat.
"It wasn't your fault," marahan kong sinabi. "Gaya ng sinabi ng doktor, it was inevitable. I was under a lot of stress. Mahina rin ang kapit ng bata kaya malabong mabuhay—"
"Hindi totoo 'yan!" he cut me off in a restrained voice.
I bit my lower lips. Hindi na tinuloy ang gustong sabihin.
"Sana hindi na ako umalis. I should have tried more to fix us. I should've been there with you and took care of you,"
Tila may mainit na kamay na humaplos sa aking puso dahil sa kaniyang sinabi. Sa kalagitnaan ng pagbuhos ng mga luha, mahina akong natawa. I was wrong. He's just like me. He was willing to take the responsibility of having a baby, no matter how scary that road might be.
Marahan kong hinawakan ang kaniyang buhok. I tip toed a bit, letting him hold me closer.
"How will you take care of me? I hated you then. And Tito David's men were keeping an eye on you. They won't let you come near me," I softly said as I stroked his hair.
"I'll find a way. I won't stop until you accept me again," puno ng kasiguruhan niyang sagot.
A smile slowly creeped on my lips. I couldn't help but to imagine what he said—how he'll stay and pursue me until I accept him again. How he will take care of me while I am pregnant. My heart pounded hard while thinking all about it. Lalo na sa parteng, kung sakaling mabuhay ang anak namin. How we will face all the hardships and struggles as a parent and a family. Together.
It's a bittersweet thought. It took me a while before I could stop myself from thinking about it. May kakaibang galak sa puso kung iisipin ngunit hindi na iyon mangyayari. Our baby is gone. Kinuha na siya sa akin, sa amin. At naniniwala akong iyon ang mas makabubuti para sa akin, sa kaniya, at sa anak namin.
Ilang sandal kaming nanatili sa ganoong puwesto. Walang nagsasalita at tanging ang malalalim na hininga lang ng bawat isa ang naghahari sa aming pandinig. It was calming that I almost forgot where we are. I was a bit nervous that someone might come and see us this way. Though I don't think someone will be using the elevator at this hour. It's almost twelve midnight.
Slowly, I put my hands on his shoulders and pushed him away lightly. It's already midnight. We're both tired after a long busy day and we still have to get ourselves ready for tomorrow. But instead of taking a rest, here we are, inside the elevator, nagsisisi sa mga nangyari sa nakaraan.
I've been crying over the past years for this. That may be the reason why it was easy for me to compose myself tonight after talking about it. With a soft smile painted on my lips, I tilted my head a bit to the side to look at Aedion's face, dahil nilayo man ng kaunti, nanatili naman siyang nakayuko.
My eyes widened when I saw his bloodshot eyes. His jaw kept on clenching as if he's trying to control his anger. It was different from what I can see in his longing eyes that is screaming with regret and grief.
Unti-unti siyang nag angat ng tingin sa akin. I smiled at him. Pero nanatili lang siyang nakatitig sa akin, ang mga mata'y puno ng pagsisisi. It reminded me of the last time we saw each other before he was sent away. He looked as weak, helpless and guilty as before.
Tumingkayad pa ako upang maabot ang kaniyang batok. This time, I was the one who pulled him to a hug. His arms quickly snaked on my waist, pulling me closer, hugging me tighter as he uttered another apology.
Instead of telling him it's alright, and that it wasn't his fault or anything to reassure him. I voiced out what I wanted to tell him the most at this moment.
"I love you," I whispered.