Orphic Love

Chapter 24

Chapter 24
Move On

Mama was right. Children shouldn't suffer from their parents' sins. Though I had to understand that in the hard way.

I remember how I kept on telling myself not to make another decision that I'll regret again. Pero tuwing naaalala ko ang mga naging desisyon ko nitong mga nakaraang araw, wala akong maramdaman kundi puro pagsisisi.

I knew whatever I was feeling, it wasn't a normal headache nor just a cramps. I already had a hunch what it was, pero mas pinili kong papaniwalain ang sarili ko na masama lang ang pakiramdam ko sa takot na baka totoo nga ang hinala ko.

I didn't realize back then, that by trying to avoid the truth, I was doing something I will regret, maybe, for the rest of my life.

I was pregnant.

But before I could even fully accept that I was, I lost my baby.

Wala ako sa sarili habang kinakausap ng doktor. Philip and some of Tito David's men took me to the hospital after what happened earlier at school. I fainted on the way here, nang magising ako, narito na si Mama at kinakausap ang doktor tungkol sa nangyari sa akin.

At first, I thought, she was giving me a weary look because she was disappointed with me. After all, I haven't finished college yet. Ni hindi ko pa nga alam kung ano ang gagawin ko pagkatapos ko ng kolehiyo. Papa is still recovering. At sariwa pa sa alaala ng lahat ang nangyari sa opening ng bagong branch ng FAAD. Ngayon, dadagdag pa ako.

But when the doctor broke the news, I forgot about all of it. All I could think of is the growing shallow feeling inside my stomach, as if something was missing.

It felt weird. I was afraid. There were even times when I wished I wasn't pregnant, especially on the times when I was throwing up so bad. Pero ngayon, parang nalaglag ang puso ko sa nalaman.

Tears stung my eyes. Bago pa ito tuluyang bumagsak, nakalapit na sa akin si Mama at niyakap ako ng mahigpit.

"I'm sorry. I should've noticed... I'm sorry..." paulit-ulit na bulong sa akin ni Mama habang hinahagod ang aking likuran.

Hindi ko alam kung gaano kami katagal na ganoon. Ang alam ko lang ay patuloy sa pagbuhos ang luha sa aking mga mata. Ni hindi ko na namalayan na nakatulog na ako. When I woke up, our other relatives are there.

"How are you feeling?" si Tita Kuja na agad akong nilapitan nang makita akong dumilat.

Marahan akong tumango. Mapait siyang ngumiti at hinagod ang aking buhok.

Wala sa kanila ang nagtanong sa akin ng kahit na ano tungkol sa nangyari. Even Lolo didn't ask me anything about it when he visited later that day. Pero sa pananahimik ni Mama at sa uri nang pagtingin nila sa kaniya, tila ba may alam na sila and they're blaming her for it.

There were times when I thought it didn't really happen, lalo na nang makauwi na ako sa bahay. Pero tuwing gabi, palagi akong binibisita ng alaala nang nangyari no'ng araw na iyon. Sometimes I get nightmares, seeing blood rolling down my thighs just like that day.

Malalalim ang hininga, mabilis akong umahon mula sa pagkakahiga. Beads of cold sweat rolled down on the side of my face. I turned to the bedside table. Alas dos na ng madaling araw. Pumikit ako ng mariin at hinilot ang aking sentido.

Bumuntong hininga ako at nagpasiyang bumangon upang kumuha ng maiinom. Nasa kalagitnaan na ako ng hagdan nang may marinig akong humihikbi.

I took another step and craned my neck a little to peek at the living room. There I saw Mama, sitting alone in our spacious living room, crying with her head down and fingers intertwined.