Dream
I'm starting to have second thoughts now.
To be a working student for the Cavalleros means I have to stay at their mansion. But I'm not quite okay with leaving Mama alone here at our empty house.
"I have no problems with that, Tequila. I'm fine being alone here, nandito naman si Nena," Mama said in the middle of my thoughts.
Nagpakawala ako ng buntong-hininga. Kahit pa sabihin niyang nandito nga ang caretaker niya, hindi pa rin ako kampante. Paano na lang kung may emegency na mangyari at wala ako rito?
Manang Nena has to go home at some times too so that means there will also be times that Mama will be left here. All alone with no company.
"Pero may mga oras din namang kailangang umalis ni Manang Nena? I can't seem to imagine that you'll be left here all alone. Ni walang mga kapit-bahay sa malapit."
"You know what, your Tita Reese has offered us to live with them for so many times. Maybe it's high time I should accept that offer. Nang sa gayon ay mapalagay ang loob mo habang nagwo-working student ka sa mga Cavallero."
Marahan akong napailing sa suhesiyon niya. Parang nakakahiya na manghingi pa ng tulong kina Tita Reese, sila na nga ang sumagot sa lahat ng gastusin sa medications ni Mama. Hindi naman pwedeng kada offer nila ay tanggap lang kami ng tanggap.
But I guess I have no choice now that Tita Reese has already sent one of my cousins here just to get Mama and her things. Ni hindi ko nga alam na nakapag-impake na siya.
I look at Mama like she just betrayed me. She did. She decided this overnight and packed her things without telling me.
Ngayon ay nagising na lang akong nandito na si Asmodeus para kunin siya.
"Is this all your things, Tita?" si Asmodeus habang ipinapasok na ang panghuling luggage ni Mama sa trunk ng kotse niya.
"Yes, hijo. Thank you. Do you mind waiting for a little bit so Tequila and I can talk before we leave?"
"No. I don't mind at all, Tita. Take your time." Asmodeus nods at me with a smile before leaving me and Mama to talk alone.
Mama then smiles at me gently, like trying to appease the verdicts I have about her leaving inside my head.
"What was that, Ma? I thought we were still on the process of deciding this? Naisip ko na ngang maghanap na lang ng ibang part-time jobs na malapit lang dito para hindi na kita kailangang iwan ng mag-isa."
Don Primero's offer was good, alright. Pero mas i-pa-priotize ko pa ba 'yan kesa kay Mama? She's sick and leaving her alone to a caretaker that can't even be here for 24 hours doesn't sit quite right to me.
And though Tita Reese offered, we can't just take it that easily and be dependent on them all the time.
"Because I don't want you to worry about me that much. Dito rin nakasalalay ang pag-aaral mo. This must be ironic since it was the Cavalleros in the first place that has deprived me of sending you to college. But you need this. You need their money to continue your studies. It's even right to say that almost half of their money is rightfully ours." She looks at me in the eyes like talking to me as if I am a soldier in a war.
"Kaya h'wag mo na akong alalahanin at h'wag mo na ring alalahanin ang tungkol sa pagkakaroon ng utang na loob sa kanila. Ni hindi sapat ang pagpapaaral nila sa 'yo para maging kabayaran sa lahat ng pang-aalipusta nila sa atin." She grits her teeth.
Alam ko naman kung ano ang ginawa ng mga Cavallero sa amin. Mama's been telling me that almost everyday. But I just can't bear watching her get angry at the mention of their names all the time.
Kaya siguro, mabuti na rin ang ganito, na tumira muna siya kina Tita Reese. Maraming tao roon and I think it's a good environment for her. It can divert her thoughts and stop her from thinking about what the Cavalleros did to us.
So, in the end, I have no choice but to let her go with Asmodeus. Tila wala na rin naman akong magagawa para baguhin pa ang desisyon niya. She has already made up her mind about this.
"Remember about what you need to do about the Cavallero's eldest," huling paalala niya pa.
Awtomatiko akong tumango. Mama's litany about the Cavalleros seemed like a routine so whenever she talks about this, I just instinctively follow and nod my head.
Nahahapo kong pinasadahan ang mahabang buhok at bumaling na ngayon sa kakalapit lang na si Asmodeus.
"Thank you so much, Asmodeus. I want to visit Tita Reese for today and personally thank her for letting Mama live in your house pero kailangan ko na ring mag-empake ng gamit para tumira sa mga Cavallero. It's another school day tomorrow, so I have no choice but to pack my things now."
My cousin smiles warmly. One look at him and you'll feel safe and assured.
Asmodeus is a kind and wise man kaya palaging siya ang inaasahan ni Tita Reese sa lahat ng gawain at desisyon pati na sa kompanya kumpara kay Peter na ibang bagay naman ang nakahiligan.
And on top of that, he's good-looking. I don't even know why he still doesn't have a girlfriend and why his fiancée ran away from their wedding day last month. My cousin is such a catch and all these girls be dumping him, like what the hell is wrong with them?
"It's okay, Tequila. I'll make sure to relay to Tita Reese your thanks. You can visit us any time soon. And if you need anything while you're at the Cavalleros, you already have my number. You can call me."
He opens his arms for an embrace which I gladly accept with a smile.
And with that, I sent them off the gates.
I sighed as I watched the car slowly disappearing from my vision. So, this is the start of another major adjustment.
Nang naiwan akong mag-isa ay ang mga bagahe ko naman ang inasikaso ko. Natapos ako sa pag-iimpake mga bandang alas sais na dahil nakatulog pa talaga ako sa kalagitnaan nito.
I blink profusely to adjust my sight from the bleariness as I was outside our house, waiting for a tricycle.
Now our house is completely empty. Ngayon ay nagmumukha na talaga itong haunted house dahil sa tipak-tipak na puting pintura at kikindap-kindap na ilaw sa labas na matagal nang hindi napapalitan.
It feels sad leaving the home where I grew up but I'm at least relieved that a caretaker will stay here. Asmodeus insisted of hiring one and I had to admit it was convenient even though I was already embarrassed that he have to do more for us.
May humintong isang tricycle sa harap ko matapos ang ilang minuto ng paghihintay. I sighed before casting one last glance at our old house before the engine revved to life.
Mabagal ang takbo ng tricycle at puro daldal ang driver. He kept on asking me about what year in college I am and if I already have a boyfriend. Oo ng oo lang ako sa lahat ng sagot niya dahil hindi ko rin naman marinig ng maayos ang pinagsasabi niya dahil sa ingay ng makina ng tricycle.
It's already seven when I arrived at the Cavallero's mansion.
Mukha akong lutang habang hawak ang isang luggage at nakasalikbay sa kanang balikat ang malaking bagpack. Some housemaids insisted to help me carry it but I refused because I can do it on my own.
"Ate Nila, pasama po sa maid's quarters. Hindi ko na matandaan kung saan," tawag ko sa kasambahay na kakapasok lang din sa living room.
The smile she had for me turns into a faint one. It seems like she's in a trance as she glances at someone descending the staircase.
Napalingon na rin ako sa tinatanaw niya at ang nararamdamang lutang ay biglang napalitan ng excitement.
Ngayon lang tuluyang nag-sink in sa akin. Moving in here means I will be seeing Gon everyday!
He raises an eyebrow at me in an act to scrutinize how I looked up at him. He slightly shook his head and if I wasn't mistaken, a small smirk tugged on his lips. He did it without breaking our eye contact.
Now it looks like I am the sinner looking up at an immortal being. I don't know if he's a god or a devil. Or maybe he's a combination of both.
He could be the god of death.
The god of my death.
"Did you eat your dinner already?"
Ang unang itinanong niya sa akin ang siyang tuluyang nakapagtulala sa akin.
Am I now having a big time crush on him?
I smiled at his question and nodded.
"I already did. I like your question... "
I really do. It seems like a sliver of Gon's caring side.
"How about you? Kumain ka na ba? O naghintay ka sa akin para sabay na tayo? I'm willing to accompany you and eat again." I displayed a playful grin.
"Tapos na."
He heaves a sigh, as if preparing himself for an upcoming disaster. He must have considered me one inside his head already.
"Let me carry that for you," tukoy niya sa mga dala kong bagahe.
I nodded and gave it to him without hesitation. Kayang-kaya ko namang buhatin but I know that him carrying my luggage will mean I will see how the veins in his forearms protrude.
That's right. Leech on to any opportunity there is.
"Sige, nakalimutan ko kasi saang banda ang maid's headquarters."
He didn't say anything and started walking back upstairs. I followed him with confusion even though I don't think that's the direction towards the maid's headquarters.
"If I remember it correctly, the maid's headquarters is on the first floor? Don't tell me you want me to move in to your room already? My god, Gon... we're not yet married. It may not seem like it, but I'm still quite conservative," nangingisi kong sabi habang sinusubukang sumabay sa bilis ng mga hakbang niya.
His steps halted and he looked back at me with narrowed eyes, like a strict principal warning me to behave properly.
Hindi na nabura ang malapad kong ngisi habang nakasunod sa kanya. I am amused with how I heard him sigh as he glanced at me, looking so problematic.
Siguro nai-imagine niya na ang delubyong pagdadaanan habang narito ako sa kanila. He's thinking about the restless days with me while I'm fantasizing about the brighter days ahead with him. What an opposite. I'd like to think we attract.
Inihatid niya ako sa silid na nasa pinakadulo rin. Only that it is also the complete opposite side from where his room is.
Binuksan niya ang pintuan at bumungad sa amin ang isang malinis at malaking kuwarto. The motif color is cream, black, and white which surprisingly suits to my liking. Everything about it is perfect except the fact that it is a guestroom.
"This isn't the maid's headquarters," I said, stating the obvious.
"Lolo wants you stay here."
Nauna na siyang pumasok sa kuwarto at inilapag doon sa gilid ng kama ang dala kong luggage at bag.
I watch as the veins on his forearms flex upon settling down my things on the couch. I pursed my lips. What a shame I haven't watch it longer while we were on the staircase.
But back to my concern and priority.
"I don't think I should be here in a guestroom when I work here as the other househelps do."
"Well, it's the old man that requested this..."
He pauses and give me an ample time to reason again but I give up. Kung si Don Primero na mismo ang nagsabi na dito ang kuwarto ko, I have no other reason to turn down his request. Siya ang tumanggap sa akin bilang working student dito.
"I'll go ahead and let you fix your things. If you want to eat dinner again, just knock on my room. You know where it is."
Nasa hamba na siya ng pintuan at handa nang umalis nang may naisipan akong idagdag pa sa sinabi niya.
"Why would I knock on your room if I want to eat dinner again? Does that mean that you're my full course meal?" I sit down on the edge of the bed.
He casts me a piercing stare and shakes his head slowly, as if trying to gather his patience altogether.
Sumusugat na ang malaking ngisi sa labi ko na sinuklian niya lang ng mariing titig na tila ba handang kondenahin ang lahat ng salitang lalabas sa bibig ko.
"So, you won't be eating alone on the dinner table, Tequila," he flatly says.
Bahagya akong natigilan sa isinagot niya. Three. Three simple yet thoughtful sentences that his lips has offered me today. First was when he asked me if I had dinner already. Second was when he offered to carry my bag and luggage for me. And then third, is this.
I was pondering too much about his words that I haven't notice him leaving until he says one last sentence before closing the door.
"Good night. Don't wake up late tomorrow. Lolo told me to drive you to school."
And with that, I am left alone with my mouth agape. I suck in a breath as I let my body fall on the bouncy bed just to let out a tiny squeal.
Damn. I'm starting to like him now. A little more beyond his physical appearance.
First day kong lumipat sa kanila tapos ganito na? Wala naman sigurong masama tungkol dito 'di ba? Having an attraction towards him would mean that it will all be easier for me to do what my mother wanted me to.
And now I'm looking forward for the morning that it came fast. Oddly, I slept well and woke up refreshed today despite being in a different house. Despite being under the Cavalleros' roof...
"Good morning," Gon greets while opening his car's door for me.
I watch his gesture and bit my lip.
His car is luxurious from the outside and on the inside but I can't seem to appreciate it at this moment when his appearance is even a greater wonder to marvel at.
He's wearing a long-sleeved dress shirt. Early in the morning and his buttons are suffering just for the glory of his torso and his hard chest that's on display.
The engine of his car revved to life and I let out a small sigh, leaning on the passenger's seat as my eyes travel from his torso down to his belt and then...
Isang tikhim mula sa kanya ang nagpaigtad sa akin mula sa pagkakaupo.
His lips twitch sexily and he shook his head at me.
"What? I'm just trying to appreciate the premium quality of your belt." I grinned, not even exerting an effort to hide what I'm really thinking about.
"Uhuh," he says cooly.
But I can see the stifled amusement in his expression.
Ibinalik niya ulit ang atensyon sa kalsada at nagpatuloy sa seryosong pagmamaneho.
I am suppose to continue my business earlier when he asks me a question out of the blue, as if trying to divert my attention away from what I'm staring at.
"What program are you taking?" Sabay sulyap niya sa blouse ng uniform ko.
"Tourism," I reply in a monotone.
"What is your dream profession in the future?" he asks in return with a careful tone.
I look at him in a longer than usual way. Napatikhim ako at awkward na natawa. Maybe he noticed that there was disinterest in my tone when I talked about my program.
"Uhmm... flight attendant? Kasi 'yan naman ang related sa tini-take ko ngayon?" sagot ko, pero ako mismo hindi sigurado sa tono ko.
Mama chose that program for me. She wanted it for me, kasi 'yan ang pangarap niya na hindi niya natupad. So, I agreed with it too, with the hopes of erasing all her regrets. Hindi kasi siya nakapagpatuloy sa pag-aaral nang nagpakasal siya kay Papa sa batang edad.
And when she finally had the chance to pursue it throughout their married life, I came in the picture, left by my own biological mother near the gates. So, instead of pursuing her studies, Mama chose to take care of me as her own child instead.
So naturally, I feel that I owe it all to her. Dahil kung tutuosin, mahirap para sa isang babae na tanggapin ang isang batang bunga ng pagtataksil ng kanyang asawa. Taking me in their house and providing for my basic needs, should be more than enough.
But she gave me more than that. She took care of me and raised me like her own daughter. She returned me the motherly affection that I already lost the moment I was born.
"Yes, but what do you want?" Gon asks casually, snapping me out of my thoughts.
Napabuntong-hininga ako at napakurap. This is the first time someone asked me about this. Everyone assumes that I really am passionate with my course. Kadalasang sabi nila, bagay na bagay sa akin ang maging flight attendant with my height, my body, and my face.
Pero kung ano talagang gusto ko?
"Well, I dreamt of becoming a psychologist." I chuckled awkwardly.
"Uhuh," he trails, looking at me with ease and casualty.
His relax composure calms me down. Like there's no big deal, no pressure about telling him what I want.
I sucked in a breath. Inhaling all of his scent, his presence, his thoughtfulness...
And when I let go of all the lump in my throat, I put on my greatest facade; a light, carefree smile.
"Right, I wanted to be a psychologist. Pero kung i-co-consider ko 'yan as a career, I guess it doesn't pay that much, here in our country. You know? Most people's struggles are invalidated. At kadalasang nangangailangan ng counseling ay 'yong mga teenagers but as sad as the reality is, minamaliit na lang ang pinagdadaanan nila..."
A nervous laugh reverberated from the back of my throat. May pagdadalawang-isip ko siyang nilingon.
But he looks at me with that same look as if telling me I could say whatever I want to say. And it makes me a little bit braver, knowing that he's not here to judge but to listen.
"You know what I mean? Na kapag mag-oopen up tayo about our problems and the things that makes us nervous and anxious, sasabihan na lang tayong nag-iinarte? It is a continuous stigma here in our country. Kaya siguro walang masyadong psychologists dito. Most of them are working abroad." I shrug and then relax on my seat.
He nods and now looks at me with a small smile tugging on his lips.
"So? You could become the first known psychologist here in our country. Be one of the voices to fight against the stigma. You could become whoever you want to be, Tequila."
I could become whoever I want to be...
Something tugs my heart at the sentence. Because it is nearly impossible at my point of view. It is almost out of reach, when I am me. When I am the daughter of the late Governor that their family ruined.
I look at him and tried to smile with ease, but a bit of bitterness can't help but creep in.
Hindi ako makapaniwalang ito ang araw na siyang simula ng malalim na pagkakakilala ko sa kanya.
He seems to be a good person, alright. Like someone beneath his rough features is worth to admire. But I immediately pull away a bit from the thought when I remember what I'm here for.
The Cavalleros ruined our name. And I am here for revenge.