Trigger warning: This chapter may contain scenes not suitable for some audiences, material can trigger depression, anger and self harming feelings. Discretion is advised!
Numa slept very badly, trembling under nightmares.
It was Monday and he could not concentrate at all at school. He completely forgot about the kiss and could only think about Agustín. It was like an obsession, the word death occupied his mind the whole time and he could do nothing but remember the accident and the death of his parents over and over again. How could he be helpful to his best friend? If only he knew a way, if he only knew at least how he was doing. He tried to reach Agustin several times over the phone, sent messages that remained unread, took his phone to take a look again when Lucas grabbed him by the arm in the corridor.
"Hey, hi!"
"Hi, I didn't see you." replied Numa.
Lucas stared at him, he looked weird, like he was absent.
"Are you okay, Numa?"
Numa looked at him and at that moment he remembered the kiss, and he felt even worse that nothing happened afterwards. A sense of wasting time, and loneliness came over him.
"Yes, I'm fine, just... nothing, let's talk another day."
He got lost in one of the corridors that led to the opposite wing, where he had classes.
Lucas stood there thinking. "Looks like neither of us had a good night."
It was Tuesday and Numa felt already like couldn't get anything right. He also had to the training, he missed the last session because of the preparations for his birthday, and missing training time meant punishment. His trainer was a strict type, did not take absences well.
He walked around the house trying to focus his attention on preparing his stuff. He was about to leave when her grandmother came in, carrying a shopping bag in one hand and her purse and keysin the other.
At that moment the phone rang, but seeing his grandmother heading for the kitchen, he answered it. It was probably one of her friends, they all still had old phones at home.
A woman's voice came from the other end.
"Numa?" asked softly.
"Yes, it's me, who is speaking?" asked Numa, surprised.
"It's Ana, Agustin's mother."
Numa was stunned, surely they were calling him about his friend's hospitalization, maybe they had some news.
When did Agustin talk to his parents? How did they react? He was about to ask, a strange noise come from the other side, he felt scared. He did not want to recognize that sound, she was sobbing.
His hand started trembling.
"Agustin is dead"
Her voice was trembling and her throat was making an annoying noise. He hated her in that moment.
Her words seemed from far away, and he felt how his own heart started beating slowly and gradually increasing its rhythm. Did he hear wrong? It must be. That was ridiculous. In his own world the words were getting drowned out by a strange sound in his head.
"Wh..How?" How could she dare to tell him something like this about his best friend? He had a lump in his throat. That could not be true.
"He took his own life. He's dead, Numa" he heard a choked sob, "Fu..funeral..we will let you know".
Ana hung up the phone. Numa stood there listening to a silence that seemed to hurt his ears broken by a sound in his head. He could not breathe correctly, gasp trying to get air into his lungs. His grandmother was coming back from the kitchen.
Numa barely felt the tears sliding down his cheek, and only realized it when his grandmother wiped them away with her hand.
"Numa, who was that?" she quietly asked, her grandchild was looking absent and his eyes were empty when he tried to look at her.
"Ana, Agus' mo... mother..." he looked up without focusing his gaze, with a torrent of thoughts filling his head.Numa realized he couldn't hear his own voice.
"What happened," it was something very serious and started to feel seriously worried.
"He... committed suicide... grandma... Agus.... killed himself. He...isn't..."
He turned around and headed to his room, that was not for him, this was not his life, this wasn't happening. He didn't know how he got to the bed. There was no expression on his face, just tears streaming from his eyes.
His grandmother came in, sat on the bed and began to stroke his hair. She was afraid to ask, when his parents died Numa went into such a state of hysteria that he had to be sedated to calm him down. Would it be right to ask?
"Why...?"
Numa whispered softly. There he stared at the ceiling, his whole body was trembling, Eleonora gave him a sleeping pill that he put in his mouth, and some water to swallow it. Numa did not say anything. She didn't know if she was doing the right thing by sedating him in this way, but perhaps the next day, once he hasovercome the first impression, he would be able to put his ideas into clearer perspective, think coldly and not fall into hysteria again.
When Numa closed his eyes, the grandmother looked up the phone number of Agustín's parents in Numa's address book, to call and find out what happened. She had known Agustín for several years and he saved Numa in so many ways. He always had such a positive and carefree attitude. It was strange to imagine a reason why the young man could make such decision. Because of his relationship with his parents, he left his house last year to become independent. He never talked about them and implied that they were no longer part of his life.
A male voice answered the phone, it was the young man's father, he explained his wife could not get on the phone, she was in a depressive state. Eleonora noticed a certain anger when she heard the young man's name from his father's lips and began to wonder how bad the boy's relationship with his parents had been. The man implied that he did not understand the reason for the suicide, he did have some health issues, nothing that big. Surely his life choices have driven him to that state. He couldn't say much more, they had almost no contact in the last few months.
The young was found in his apartment by the police. That was all they could tell her. They will let her know once they had information about the funeral.
When she hung up, she felt her chest shrink, she felt a great affection for Agustin, but she was worried about the way Numa would react, he already had problems to assume the death of his parents and she knew perfectly well that this could repeat itself, since her grandson adored his friend. How much grief could a boy bear at that age? She sat on the couch and wept silently.
The next day and after 12 hours of sleep, Numa woke up, his head spinning, as soon as he opened his eyes he felt a lump in his throat and a stinging in his eyes, he sat up, and forced himself to get up and go to the bathroom. He washed his face and stayed there for a while looking at himself in the mirror, he clenched hisfists tightly until he hurt himself, but he managed to not cry.
He went to the kitchen, he sat down at the table, and his voice was almost inaudible when he greeted his grandmother, who was looking at him worriedly. He had a coffee with milk and cookies as breakfast, which he left as soon as he left his place, on a corner around his house as a souvenir. He could ignore his own suffering but his stomach was not ready to comply with it. He knew he looked terrible, but he would get over it as everything in life, he swallowed his tears and forced himself not to think about it.
Arriving at the building, he hesitated for a few moments before entering the building and joining school life as he mingled with the rest of the students in the large hallway.
Discovering the figure of Lucas leaning against the wall near the restrooms, he smiled at the sight of him as he seemed to have been waiting for him.
He was very sorry but he didn't feel like talking, he was in a very bad mood. He passed by him with just a smile and before he greeted him, he quickly slipped away among his group of classmates.
Once at recess, Lucas approached the wing of his class looking for him, obviously confused.
"You look terrible. Are you sick?" Lucas left the greeting for later.
"Huh?" replied Numa to the dark-haired boy's inquisitive look.
"You don't even listen. Are you all right?"
"Yes... I just haven't slept much, that's all."
"I... I wanted to talk to you."
"What about? Lucas... I'm not in the mood."
He turned around and disappeared down the hall leaving Lucas worried and angry but most of all with the word in his mouth.
Despite that attitude, he returned to the opposite wing at the second recess to continue questioning him. He looked for him everywhere but could not find him, so he decided to ask one of his classmates and he told him that he was in the restrooms.
He went to look for him and found him retching and with tears running from his eyes. He took him by the arm to get him out of there, it was noticeable that he had nothing in his stomach and was only coughing. He took him to the wash basin, turned on the cold water faucet and quickly wet his face. The young man seemed to recover a little.
"Numa, you have to go home, you look like shit."
Numa pulled his arm forcefully.
"What do you care? Get the fuck out of here. Leave me alone!"
Lucas looked him in the eyes, there was something incredibly painful in his face and it wasn't just his look.
"Numa, what's wrong with you?" but he looked away, "Numa, I know there's something going on..."
Numa turned his gaze towards him evidently offended but immediately seemed to repent and that sadness dominated his features again, he closed his eyes and leaned against the wall and sliding gently down it he let himself fall on the floor.
He looked into Lucas, almost pleading with him.
"Lucas, leave me. Please leave, I don't want to see you... please..".
Lucas looked at him confused, he didn't know what to do, now he was convinced that he wasn't sick or anything but that something serious happened to him, what should he do? Stay and insist? It hurt his heart to see him like this, so worn out, but maybe it was the best thing to leave, he didn't want him to think that he was incapable of respecting his time. He closed his eyes in resignation before turning and reluctantly leaving the restroom.
At the end of classes Numa practically escaped from that place in the direction of his house, Lucas did not see him leave and could not find him the next day at recess. He was worried after the scene the day before, Numa not returned to class for a few days.
Author's note: "why..why...WHY?!" Asked me someone a while ago. Unfortunately such decisions come out of nowhere.
I have been asked to write more about his past, about what has driven him to make such decision. I do not have the strength to do it. He was such a lovely character, he fought years against his own demons, and besides Eleonora considering Numa being saved by him, actually it was the other way around. Numa saved him multiples times from been swallowed by his own darkness.
PLEASE if you ever feel trapped in a dark place in your mind, if you think that there is nothing more left, and no way out. Seek out help, there is ALWAYS a way out!. ALWAYS!.