— AIDEN —
"I see," Professor Peterson nodded solemnly, eyes casted downwards. "I didn't really notice."
A look of disappointment fell on her face, probably of herself. It made me feel bad and almost regret telling her about the complaints. I felt like I only added to the sadness she's been feeling lately.
"I'm sorry, Professor. I didn't really want to tell you, but I know this is important and something that needs to be talked about," I spoke after a few seconds of silence between us. Despite having doubts, I knew I had to be honest. She needed to know because it concerns her career.
"No, no, I appreciate your honesty. Thank you for telling me," She gave me a half-hearted smile. "I guess I have a lot of apologizing and making up to do, hm?"
I shook my head. "No apologies needed, Miss. You are going through something, it's okay to not be okay."
To my surprise, Professor Peterson let out a chuckle. "Isn't that from a Korean drama?"
I blushed. "Yes, sorry. I didn't know how to word it differently." To be fair, it is a good advice. "But I mean it though."
"I appreciate that, Aiden. But I still shouldn't have let my personal problems affect my work, it's unprofessional." I watched as she raised her hand holding the wine glass and took a sip with a faraway look.
"You don't have to be strong all the time you know."
A smile, it wasn't happy or sad, her smile looks defeated. "But I need to be."
"You know what I'm feeling right now?" She asked me, but it seemed to be a rhetorical question. "Guilt. I feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself when I have a lot to be grateful for. I have a nice job, I earn a lot, I have a healthy son, I have everything that I need, Aiden."
Tears. For the first time, I saw tears form in my favorite pair of dark brown eyes.
"Some people have problems worse than mine and I try so hard to resist giving in, but I just feel like I'm losing control over everything in my life. I've been doing things on my own ever since but I feel so overwhelmed right now and I can't blame anyone but myself. I feel suffocated and admitting that I'm not doing too well isn't easy for me. I'm tired, Aiden. I'm tired of trying to act strong and I hate myself for being this way."
I sat unmoving as the person I've been admiring fall apart right in front of me. Tears strained her cheeks and soft sobs escaped her lips. My heart constricted painfully at the sight of her looking so broken.
My hands moved on their own and I pulled the crying woman into my arms. Face buried themselves into my chest as shaking hands gripped my shirt tight.
"No matter what your problems are, it doesn't make it less relevant than the others. Your feelings and emotions are valid, you're allowed to feel pain and you shouldn't feel bad about it. I know that being vulnerable and admitting that you're not okay is scary, but you're allowed to let go and feel things. There’s no need to blame yourself because it's not your fault."
With enough confidence in me, I held her face in my hands, letting our eyes meet. "You don't have to be strong all the time. Everything may seem hard right now but you're allowed to fall apart and take a break, because then you can find yourself again. Do it on your own phase."
And you can lean on me, I'll always be here for you, even if you don't need me to.
"Please don't be so hard on yourself," I let out in a low voice, wiping away her tears with my thumb.
Soft hands touched mine, eyes staring into me with an emotion I don't quite recognize. She didn't have to say anything, her eyes already tells me how grateful she is right now.
Moving away from my hold, it took me by surprise when Professor Peterson rested her head once again on my chest. The silence fell among us, it took a few more moments before I could hear laboured breathing and her body relaxing into me.
She fell asleep.
Trying to be careful as much as I can, I took the sleeping woman into my arms and carried her towards the guest room, the only room I've been in aside from Aaron's. I laid her gently on the bed, pulling the covers over her body. With one last look at her, I turned the lights off and left the house.
Is it possible to feel things you shouldn't be feeling?
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"What's on your mind?"
"Nothing," I answered, trying to be nonchalant.
Julius rolled his eyes. "Bullshit, come on, tell me. It's been bothering you and maybe I can help."
I pursed my lips, thinking. I do need some help, an advice specifically.
"How do I know that I like someone?" I questioned shyly.
His worried look turned into a grin, eyeing me playfully. "I see what this is about."
"Before you tease me, I genuinely need help so be serious here."
"Fine, fine. Well, I'm not really an expert but I do have an experience. As for me, it usually starts with physical attraction you know–"
"I'm way past the physical attraction phase, what I meant is like like. How do I know that I like someone in a way that I may or may not want to date them." I explained, or at least I tried. "Do you get what I mean?"
I don't know if I want to date them, I just don't know how to explain the way I'm feeling right now. Besides, it's not like I can and have a chance.
Julius' mouth formed in an 'o', understanding. "Oh, alright. Wow, it's only been a few months since the start of the academic year when we talked about love and now you're crushing on someone. Why do I feel like a proud brother?"
"Shut up," I groaned in annoyance, blushing furiously.
He smiled, messing my hair before turning serious. "I thought I was only infatuated with Lexie at first you know, who wouldn't? My girl is beautiful, intelligent, talented as fuck and she's a badass. I was thinking that it was just a crush and it would eventually go away but as time passed by of us spending more time together, I realized how every little thing reminds me of her."
"Remember my love for music?" I nodded. "I almost gave that up, thinking I'm not good enough. But Lex made me feel like I can do anything, she encouraged–she pushed me to continue pursuing my dream and even though I'm not going into the career path of music, I have hope that eventually, I could show people my art."
"And discovering new things about her, no matter how insignificant it is, makes me feel like I'm receiving gifts on Christmas day."
I smiled to myself as Julius listed down everything Lexie did, made him feel, what he loves about her and how he realized she's the person he wants to spend his entire life with. I'm pretty sure my question isn't on his mind anymore, luckily, some of the things he said did give me enough clarification to name what I'm feeling. It's not as strong as what Julius feels for Lex, but I know it's there and it's real.
But it shouldn't be.
With heavy feet and swirling thoughts, I forced myself to enter the last subject for today's class.
Our eyes met as I took my sit, I returned the brief smile she gave me before looking down at my hands. I waited as Professor Peterson began discussing, trying to focus at the topic. Unfortunately, when the person who's been occupying your mind is in front of you, it's really hard to focus on other things. So for the first time, I gave my full attention to the woman in front of me, but not about what she's saying.
It didn't surprise me when dismissal came and I learned absolutely nothing.
I was about to leave when a voice called my name softly. I turned swiftly.
"Yes, Professor?" I approached her table.
She cleared her throat. "I want to thank you, for last night. I appreciate you listening to me and what you said. It means so much to me and I just... just thank you for telling me those words, I really needed it." She chuckled softly when her eyes became teary once again.
"You really don't have to thank me, those words were true and like I said," I took a pause, not sure whether I should say it. "Like I said, I'm here if you need a hug."
I said it.
"Of course, thank you, darling." Blushing, I looked away from her captivating eyes.
"I actually want to make something for you, to show my gratitude, if that's okay," she offered.
I was about to protest when she beat me to it. "I know I don't need to, but I want to. Please? For me?"
Who could resist that soft 'please' and pleading eyes?
Certainly not me.
"Okay, if that's what you want."
A beautiful smile made its way to her lips. "Are you free on Saturday?" I nodded. "Good, come to my house, I'll text you the time."
"I'll be waiting."
"Go now, Aaron's waiting for you," she shooed me away playfully.
I gave a salute. "Yes, Miss. Take care."
Yup, I think I have feelings for Professor Peterson.
Fuck.
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Votes and comments will truly be appreciated. Thank you for reading.
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