"You left me to let me die there."
"Why didn't you save me baby? I thought you loved me."
"I'm really sorry, please just come back." Louis whimpers in his sleep. It's the third time he has woken up this night. When he closes his eyes, all he can see is the image of his mother with her leg stuck under the car, calling for him.
Louis jolts awake breathing heavily, his hands shaky and body sweaty.
"It's just a dream, everything's fine. I'm fine." He whispers to himself. Louis pulls his knees close to his chest and keeps his hands on his knees and rocks himself gently, to try to calm himself down.
He tries to go back to sleep but can't. Whenever he closes his eyes, all he can see is the image of Jay. It is plastered in his mind and he can't get rid of it, despite the fact he wants to. He doesn't want to see his mum in pain but that's all his train of thoughts is going towards.
Louis tries to distract himself and grabs his phone from the nightstand. He texts Niall even though it's 2 in the morning and Niall will probably be sleeping.
Louis: You up?
To his surprise, Louis actually gets a reply back a minute or two after.
Niall: Yeah, what's the matter?
Louis: Shouldn't you be sleeping?
Niall: I could ask you the same question.
Louis: I don't know, couldn't sleep :/
Niall: You should try white noise. I've heard it helps a lot.
Louis: Probably try it for yourself first.
Niall: Haha I will.
Louis: Wanna hang out tomorrow? After school?
Niall: Totally! I have a lot of things to tell you.
Louis: I can't wait. I'll tell Zayn and Liam. How's school by the way?
Louis doesn't get a reply back after he sent his last text and figures Niall must've fallen asleep. Good for him though, Louis still can't sleep.
He decides on watching something to distract his thoughts. Maybe he'll fall asleep faster this way? He silently makes his way down to the living room and switches on the TV, keeping it at a low volume and puts on a random movie.
Louis tries to focus his attention on the screen in front of him but it proves to be a lot difficult in the dead silence of the night when he's alone with his thoughts.
"Louis?" He hears Liam ask from behind him. "Is everything alright?"
"I couldn't sleep." Louis tells him honestly.
"Because of what happened earlier?" Liam asks yawning in his hand.
"No, umm I just- I can't get myself to go back to sleep."
Liam makes his way over to the couch and sits beside Louis, with his arm around Louis' shoulder. He starts humming the same tune their mother used to hum to them when they were younger. It instantly makes Louis drowsy.
After a minute or two, Liam finally manages to make Louis fall asleep. He himself is tired as a yawn escapes his mouth. He carries Louis upstairs to his room and tucks him in bed and leaves the room, slowly closing the door behind him to avoid Louis waking up again.
Louis however, is again woken up an hour later. He can't help his thoughts racing towards the accident and Jay. He never should've told his mum to go surprise Liam at work. If it weren't for his idea that evening, Jay would've still been alive. His breathing becomes sharp as tears start to pool in his eyes and his lips tremble.
With every breath he takes, it feels as if the world around him is spinning at a much violent pace and he can't quite focus on anything. He closes his eyes shut, trying to get ahold of his thoughts but doesn't succeed.
"Please stop-" Louis whimpers, plugging his ears, his eyes still shut.
"Louis, bud you alright?" Someone's voice reaches his ears but he can't make out who's. He's too far gone in his own head to analyse anything.
"I- It's my fault. It's a- all my fucking fault! Mum's dead and you're stuck with me!"
"Hey, quiet now. It's okay. We're not stuck with you. Calm down. Breathe with me." Zayn instructs.
"I- I can't. It- it's suffocating." Louis sobs out.
"I know but you're stronger than this. Follow my breathing, okay?" Zayn tells him gently. After a few deep breaths and some encouraging words from Zayn, Louis' breathing finally goes back to normal.
"I- I'm sorry." He says quietly.
"You don't have to be. It's alright."
"I'm sorry about what happened at dinner. I didn't mean to ruin everyone's night."
"Lou you didn't ruin anything and stop saying you're sorry. There's literally nothing for you to be sorry about." Zayn tells him sincerely.
"What about Liam? Is he mad at me?"
"No, why would he be?" Zayn asks with a surprised expression spread across his face.
Louis stays quiet. He just wants someone to be with him. He can't sleep alone, he's too scared but he can't tell anyone either about his nightmare, they'll probably judge him for being such a big baby.
"Zayn?"
"Yeah?"
"C- can you stay with me?" Louis asks not meeting Zayn's eyes.
"Of course." Zayn answers in an instant and gets in bed.
Louis takes a deep breath in and closes his eyes, finally letting his body relax. To know someone is there with him, eases his mind and he lets the exhaustion take over his body.
The next morning, Louis wakes up to someone drilling holes in his head.
"Fuck." He breaths out, holding his head with his index and middle fingers.
"Did you sleep well?" He hears Liam ask as he enters the room with a cup of tea in his hand.
"My head is hammering." Louis tells him.
"I think it's probably because of the lack of sleep." Liam says offering Louis the tea.
"Thanks." Louis takes it from Liam without complaining and keeps it on the nightstand.
"Is there anything you wanna talk about?" Liam asks sitting on the edge of the bed.
"No, not really." Louis says shrugging his shoulders. "I think I'm gonna go the bathroom and take a shower first." He tells Liam before getting up.
"Your tea is gonna get cold."
"I'll reheat it, no problem."
"Always having the answers for everything." Liam shakes his head, letting out a weak chuckle.
"You don't know when you're gonna need them." Louis shrugs before shutting the bathroom door behind him.
"Sure." Liam sighs. He can sense that Louis' not telling him something but he can't figure out what. He doesn't want to force Louis into telling him either, that's the last thing on his list. He takes the cup of tea with him to reheat and leaves the room.
"Liam? Do you have something for my head? I thought taking a shower would help but it just made my headache worse. It's literally like someone is drilling holes into my head." Louis says descending the steps.
"Let me see." Liam says from the kitchen while looking through the cabinets. "Here, this should help." He hands Louis an advil and a glass of water who takes it gratefully from him. Louis pops the pill in his mouth and takes a big gulp of water, washing down the pill.
"What do you want for breakfast?" Liam asks taking out a pan from the bottom cabinet and some eggs from the fridge.
"I'm not really hungry, so I'll pass." Louis answers.
"Come on Lou, you have to eat something." Liam insists.
"I don't want to. Besides Niall's gonna hang by after school, so I'll probably snack on something with him."
"That's still a lot of hours." Liam argues.
"Liam I told you I'm not fucking hungry! Don't you get it!?" Louis snaps, hitting the kitchen counter with his palm.
"Louis! Don't use that tone with me. I'm just worried about you. You haven't eaten a single thing since yesterday."
"That's not true! I ate dinner yesterday."
"That you couldn't keep down." Liam finishes his sentence.
"Look, I'm sorry you have to deal with me. Trust me, I really am. But I can make my own decisions. I'm not a fucking ten year old." Louis tries to defend himself.
"Louis William! Watch your language!"
"Oh." Louis scoffs. "So you get to dictate me and how my life should be now!"
"Actually I do. Legally, you're still a minor and I'm your guardian. So yes, I have the right to decide what's in your best interest."
"And how would you know what my best interest is?"
"Louis stop arguing, its pointless and please just eat something, I'm begging you." Liam takes a deep breath, trying to keep his calm.
"Goddammit Liam! I said I don't wanna eat! Why the fuck are you so hell bent on feeding me! Fucking leave it already!"
"I told you not to use that language in my house!" Liam says, his voice filled with rage. "And I will make you eat something. I don't care if I have to force the food down your throat for it."
"You know what Liam!? You and your stupid fucking obsession with me eating food can go fuck themselves. I don't give a shit." Louis yells at him before storming upstairs to his room and slamming the door shut.
Liam follows him, knocking on Louis' door. "Louis open up!" Louis doesn't answer him though.
"Louis! Open the fucking door!" Liam tries again.
Tears well up in Louis' eyes, a single tear rolling down his cheek. He feels his throat closing up as hot tears stream down his face. He furiously wipes them away with the sleeves of his sweatshirt. He doesn't even know why he's crying. He's just annoyed at Liam for forcing him to eat even when he made it very clear that he wasn't hungry.
"I told you I'm not hungry. Just go away!" Louis says from his side of the room.
"Why can't you stop being stubborn for just a second Louis. Please try to understand. I don't want anything more happening to you." Liam sighs in defeat.
"It's bad enough mum's gone. I should've been dead too, but I'm not and I hate it, every single day since I woke up after the accident. I didn't want to be yours or Zayn's or Harry's problem. I don't want to be a charity case for you." Louis sniffles.
"Louis why the hell would you ever think that!? You are not a charity case. You're family, you are my little brother and always will be. I know it was hard loosing mum, it really was but what's happened is happened, we can't change it. Don't you think I miss mum every single day? Of course I do but we have to be stronger than that little voice in our head telling us life's not worth living anymore because we lost an important part of ourselves. We have to live for them, for mum." Liam pauses, trying not to let the tears escape. "And I understand you're not hungry but it's gonna affect your health and I don't want that. So please just eat a little, just a little bit and I promise I'll not trouble you."
"I'll be downstairs." Liam tells him and gets up from the cold hard floor he was sitting on.
Louis wipes away the tears from his face and curls up in his bed. He stays like that for a while until he finally gathers the courage to get up and go downstairs.
He slowly makes his way to the kitchen counter and sits on one of the bar stools. Liam doesn't notice him as his back is towards Louis and only gets the note of him when Louis clears his throat.
"Are you still serving breakfast?" He asks.
A small smiles creeps onto Liam's face and he serves Louis some scrambled eggs.
"Um, I'm sorry for what happened earlier. I didn't mean to lash out on you like that." Louis says not meeting Liam's eyes while playing with the food with his fork.
"I was just worried about you. And it's fine but don't use that language again." Liam tells him.
Louis nods and makes an effort to try to complete his food but after the first four bites he's had enough and can't eat anymore.
"I can't. I already ate too much." Louis says with his mouth stuffed.
"Fine." Liam says.
"Where's Zayn by the way?"
"At the office." Liam answers.
"Don't you have to go?" Louis asks further.
"I'll be working from home for a while."
"Is it because of me? If it is, Liam you don't have to do that. You don't have to put your life on hold for me."
"I'm doing this for the both of us. I still need a little time to process everything."
There's a beat of silence then before Liam speaks again, "Well, me and Zayn were thinking if you would like to meet a friend of ours?"
"What friend?" Louis asks confused.
"She's a friend from work. We think it'll be nice for you to talk to her."
"About what?" Louis asks, a completely clueless expression plastered on his face.
"Anything you want really." Liam tries to persuade him.
"Wait, are you suggesting for me to go see a therapist?" Louis finally makes out what Liam's trying to say.
"Kind of." Liam says, not sure how to reply.
"Do you think I'm crazy?" A sudden wave of panic washes over Louis as he gets up from his seat.
"No, of course not. We just think it'll take some things off your chest." Liam says.
"Like what?" Louis widens his eyes.
"Louis I'm not saying that you have to talk to her if you don't want to but I think you should at least give it a try. Let's do one session and see how it goes. If you like it, we can make an appointment for another one."
"And here I thought we were making progress." Louis rolls his eyes and leaves the room.
~~~~
Chapter 14!
Your thoughts? :))
How are you luvs? Are you drinking enough water and eating food? And have you slept well?
Stay safe and healthy besties!💛
Thanks for reading and I'll meet you in the next one! <3
Love you lots xx