[A/N: I had some people ask what I listen to when I write. The link above is what I listened to the entire time while writing this chapter; it's on spotify so it's easy to loop. Enjoy <3]
-Kaisa-
"Oh God, they're dead, aren't they?" I softly remark.
"We don't have time to think about that right now." Levi answers before peeking over the side of the crate.
He's absolutely right. Although we don't know what's happening over the wall, it would only stop us from performing our best over on this side. After Levi clears the escape route, he leads the way back to where Erwin is now standing. At this point, we've exhausted all of the soldiers who had some previous experience in the Survey Corps and are now left with the rookies who cower behind their horses. I almost cringe at their weak nature, especially after their bold words at dinner last night; part of me pities their uninformed decision, but I am not sure if Erwin could have been any more clear about the risks of joining the Survey Corps. Once he sees us in the distance, Erwin walks to the side. Levi and I follow him, but my attention is brought to the bickering behind us.
"Hey! One of the horses are getting away!"
"You idiot, you're supposed to make sure that the horses stay here!"
The one soldier retaliates, "Oh give me a break. What's the point?! We're all going to die here—what's the point of protecting these stupid horses if no one is going to be alive to ride them home?!"
His words strike fear in his comrades, and my first response is to walk back and kick some sense into him so that he doesn't completely ruin the spirits of everyone else doing their best. Levi doesn't agree; his hand snaps onto my wrist, giving me a strong tug towards Erwin.
"Leave it." Levi commands.
And as we do, we see Eren resting over the wall in his titan format, unresponsive. As we approach Erwin, the questions spill from my lips.
"What the hell happened to Eren?" I ask, pointing upwards.
"He's been there for a while. I don't know what's going on there." Erwin answers.
Another slew of rocks flies right by us, the screams from the remaining scouts reaching us despite our distance.
I take a quick glance at Levi before bringing my attention back to Erwin, "What's the plan on this side of the wall? All of the soldiers here are too scared to move a muscle, and one of them is spewing shit while crying like a baby."
The commander sits on crates nearby. Solemnly, he looks down.
"Do you see them, too? The faces of our comrades? They're all wondering what their dedicated hearts have contributed to." He softly expresses.
Levi and I remain quiet, listening intently.
"All my life, I just wanted to know what the truth was; I just want to know what's inside of that basement. And now that I am so close, it's just out of reach." Erwin continues.
A part of me wants to slap him across the face for being so selfish, but a part of me reconciles with the fact that he too is trying to heal his inner child like the rest of us. All his life, his sharp eye meticulously followed every small detail in hopes of unraveling the truth of this world. And yet, here we are—facing each other as our biggest hope lies across the top of the wall, unconscious. Here we are, with the air increasingly warming because of the explosion only a couple of kilometers from here. Here we are, three lost soldiers with a group of children nearby who don't even know how to spin their body in the air properly yet.
It is impossible to avoid the dreadful feeling hanging over our heads. Even so, the moment I turn to face Levi for what to do, his body language lets me know. His shoulders are slightly rounded forward, and I can tell he's searching his head for the right words. Understanding the predicament, I place a firm hand on Erwin's shoulder, squeezing it tightly before walking away towards the rest of the group. If there was going to be anyone to knock some sense into that lost child, it was Levi. Not because he had some magical speech, but because Levi's clear head could get through anyone having a mental breakdown.
Levi knows his strengths, and I know mine. Making my way towards the crying children, I suppress the worries and the realistic picture laid out in front of me—the realistic event in which all these soldiers die because of their lack of training. Regardless, I keep my head held high without showing a flicker of doubt in my eyes when I approach them. Their crying softens, and the sobs become sniffles as the gravel beneath my feet gets louder for them. They look up, fists almost white from their grip on the reins. Surprisingly, I don't find myself thinking of a strong, convincing message. Instead, I feel sorrow with them.
Another set of crumbled rocks pass by aggressively. The buildings around us continue to be our temporary shelter, and if we're lucky, the broken cement doesn't fall on top of any of us. The gust of wind finally passes as the rocks tumble to the ground after they've made contact with something, or someone.
"Well," I begin, standing up while brushing my clothes off, "This fucking sucks, doesn't it?"
I suppose my sudden informality caught them off guard, as it suddenly got quiet.
"What?" I respond from their confused faces, "Am I wrong?"
Some of them shake their heads at me, slightly relaxing their bodies subconsciously. I'm glad to know that my casual nature didn't anger any of them; all I have to do is make sure that I prime them for the speech that Erwin is going to give them once Levi is done speaking to him.
"I know it's scary. You just watched your friends split in half in front of you, and you just heard the screams of your friends who were laughing with you yesterday over a drink." I say.
I take a deep breath, "And it truly is damaging to be unaware if you could have done otherwise to protect them."
The memory of the girl from moments ago enters my thoughts, "Maybe they valued your life more than theirs, and the only reason you're breathing right now is because of their bravery and their dedication. Maybe they had more conviction than you did, or maybe they were paying attention more than you were."
Subconsciously, my fingertips play with the bloodied sunflower around my wrist, "But you know, there's nothing you can do about that. You can't just flip a switch and go back in time—time isn't fluid in this life. We don't have time for survivor's guilt. We don't have time to cry and stay still. We don't have time to freeze when there are families who are sitting back home praying to the Walls that we succeed."
"I am only one woman," I say with conviction and a hand flat against my chest, "But with these blades and this gear, I am a nightmare."
"And all of you," I point towards them, "Can also create that illusion when you hold your blade and keep your head high."
Realistically, only half of them are listening to me right now. I know that I am speaking to dead children walking; I know that my words aren't going to change anything about their outcome. If anything, I'm giving them false hope to continue fighting so that Levi and I can complete what we came here to finish. I am making sure that at least he is getting out of here alive, no matter the consequences. Just then, Levi's words to Erwin fill my head.
"Give up on your dream and die. Lead those kids straight into hell."
I hear the clank of metal behind me. Turning to face the sound, I see a solemn smile on Erwin's lips while Levi is crouched in front of him. Despite not being near them, I can feel the tension radiating from their interaction. After a moment, Erwin stands up to make his way towards us. Just as he does, a shiver goes down my body and I immediately turn to the rest of the soldiers.
"Get down!"
Everyone ducks once again as the next set of stones fly over our heads. The screaming just never seems to end with this group. I suppose they don't understand what else they would do with their left-over energy and adrenaline. We keep under cover for a bit in case of debris, but once the coast is clear, Erwin steps forward and addresses his soldiers.
"I am announcing our final operation. All troops, line up!" Erwin commands.
I make my way towards Levi, standing next to him without a clue of what's going on.
"We will be doing a cavalry charge. Our goal: to rush the beast titan. Of course, we'll be making ourselves ideal targets. So, we'll wait until he's ready to throw and fire our smoke signals together. That should reduce his accuracy somewhat. While we're acting as a decoy, Captain Levi and Kaisa will kill the beast titan. That is our plan."
I don't react on the outside.
Levi, is he fucking crazy?! There isn't a fucking house or tree in sight where he is.
Levi doesn't react outwardly as well.
That's exactly what I thought, too. But look around that monkey—there just happens to be a line of objects at the perfect height.
I turn my head to get a quick look at the beast titan, only to realise that Levi's right.
Erwin wants us to sneak close using the titans and assassinate the beast titan that way.
So, he is fucking crazy.
Erwin's sharp tone interrupts our conversation, "Standing here and waiting just means we'll be showered by more rocks. Prepare yourselves on the double!"
Some of the soldiers quickly straddle the horses next to them when the same redhead from earlier speaks up, "Are we all heading to our deaths?"
My eyes dart to Erwin, awaiting his reply.
"Yes." Erwin answers.
"If we're going to die anyway, you're saying it's better if we die fighting?"
Erwin deadpans, "Yes."
The soldier's voice shakes, "Wait, if we're going to die anyway, no matter how we die, even if it's disobeying orders, it all means nothing, right?"
Without missing a beat, Erwin responds, "You're precisely right. It's all meaningless. No matter what dreams or hopes you had; no matter how blessed of a life you lived; it's all the same if you're shredded by rocks. Everyone will die someday."
The soldier's faces are twisted; some of them grit their teeth while rubbing the back of their hand underneath their noses. Some of them are too fixated on the beast a couple of kilometers away to pay attention. Some of them are already looking towards the sky with an understanding glance. But there is one thing they all have in common—they are all afraid.
Erwin changes the tone of his message, "Does that mean life is meaningless? Was there even any meaning in us being born? Would you say that of our fallen comrades? Their lives...were they meaningless?"
The rhetorical question captures everyone's attention. Almost like a slideshow, their faces flash through my head. It always happens like this; it always starts with a memory of them smiling before flashing towards the moment they met their unfortunate fate. Every single time, I see them struggling in the grips of those awful titans. Every single time, I can remember how metallic the air was from all the spilt blood. To call their lives meaningless would be the greatest injustice to their stories.
Erwin screams from his chest, "No! Their lives weren't meaningless. It is us who give meaning to our comrades' lives! The brave, fallen; the anguished, fallen! The ones who will remember them are us, the living! We die trusting the living who follow to find meaning in our lives! This is the sole method in which we can rebel against this cruel world."
His words send shivers down my back and tears prick at the corner of my eyes. I find my hands have cupped in a fist throughout his speech, and my shoulders are up straight. Even so, I am so tired of fighting. I just want to go home. I want to mourn the death of my parents once more; I want to mourn the death of those who we've just lost; I want to drop my sword and reach out in hopes of reconciliation, but I can't.
Cry later. Now, you must fight.
"Join me and prepare yourselves for the greatest sacrifice the Survey Corps has ever made!" Erwin shouts as a soldier delivers him his prestigious white horse.
"Come on, let's go." Levi says, making his way towards the wall.
Before I do, I turn to Erwin who is preparing himself to climb upon his steed away from the rest of the soldiers. Before he does, I quickly rush towards him. Even though my chest hurts from his actions in the past, a part of me recognizes the awful predicaments he's been placed in. Could I really hold him accountable for being careful of the unknown? Am I really going to hold this grudge until he dies? Am I able to just erase the four years we knew each other before then?
I can't.
"Erwin." I say softly, slightly out of breath.
He turns to me with disappointment laced on his face. Not disappointment in me, but in himself and his inability to discover what is beyond the steps of Eren's basement. He doesn't say anything but is listening—but what I do is not something he needs to hear.
Instead, I give the tall, tired man a tight embrace. My head barely reaches his chest, but either way, I can't help but feel the sorrow in my body. He places his arm around me, and for another two seconds I do my best to imprint this memory in my head, too. This is the last time I will see him, and the last thing I want to do is regret what I could have done. I give him one tight squeeze before withdrawing from our hug.
Standing back from him, I firmly place my right fist across the left side of my chest, "Dedicate your heart."
Erwin looks at me before reciprocating the action, "Dedicate your heart. Kill the beast titan."
"Yes, sir." I answer.
After this interaction, I head off towards Levi, meeting him at the wall.
"Are you ready?" He asks.
"What's the plan?" I say, confused, "I don't even know how we'll do this."
He uses the wall as a flat surface, dragging his finger over it almost as if drawing out a map.
"I'll enter from the left and you'll enter from the right. The titans look dormant and don't seem to move on their own, so they must be underneath the command of that stupid monkey. As he's distracted by the others, we'll swing in and start with his extremities."
I nod, "You gonna do the bottom or the top?"
"Doesn't matter—whoever gets there first can cut his legs." He answers.
I nod, "Alright so I'm getting the bottom then."
"Sure." He passively answers.
"Then," He continues, "We cut his nape, take the bastard out and see if we can get some answers out of him."
I disagree completely, "What?! We should kill him immediately."
"We need more information."
I shake my head, "No, what we need is for their leader to die so we can finally get this shit back together."
"We can do both. There's two of us." Levi negotiates.
Looking at his eyes for confirmation, he's serious. I place a hand on my head, leaning on the wall before thinking the entire thing over. Are we willing to risk him getting away just for information?
"You do understand the risks we're taking by doing that, right?" I ask.
"Yes. But we can do it." Levi says with full confidence.
His conviction convinces me and I stand up straight and face him, "Okay."
He takes a step closer, placing his calloused hands softly on my cheeks, brushing stray hairs out of my vision.
"If we can't do it and we get stuck, I need you to promise me you'll run back and get the others over the wall out of here." Levi pleads.
Placing my right hand on one of his, "I can't do that."
"You need to. I need you to promise me." He repeats.
"Levi, I told you long ago that requests like that weren't options."
His eyes become glassy suddenly, "Tell me that you're going to go back."
"I can't." My voice breaks slightly.
He shakes his head slightly before pressing it against mine, "Kaisa, please. Do this one thing for me."
"I won't lie to you."
"Kaisa..."
I move my hand from his and slide it underneath his arms to the left side of his chest where his moon rests, "I don't know where you got this, or where I got mine, but I do know one thing: it wasn't a mistake. The one thing I've known this entire time as I've begun to know who I am is to follow the moon."
I pause before pulling away from him slightly, facing him directly, "And Levi, you are what this universe has been telling me to follow."
"Who am I to disobey the universe?" I softly add.
Levi lifts his head to face me, eyes darting between mine.
"I love you, Kaisa."
A soft, sad smile plays across my lips, "I love you, Levi."
And just as we're supposed to leave, Levi kisses me with intention. My arms reach around his shoulders, and his free hand moves to the back of my head. Our soft exchange ends with his head cradled in the crook of my neck as he holds my waist and nape close to him.
"Tell me that you love me when we get home tonight." I softly say.
His hold tightens, "Okay."
Erwin shoots the first smoke signals, letting us know it's time for us to get into position. And with his signal, Levi and I begrudgingly pull away from the embrace. We stand looking at each other for a small moment before turning our backs towards another, running towards the first titan we'd kill before we'd make our way towards the beast titan. It doesn't take too long for me to arrive, but as soon as I do, I await my next order.
Another smoke signal is released, I hear screams from afar and I withdraw my swords, pressing the gas on my gear as I swing towards my first victim. With hands held high, I swing my body in a circle before crashing down on its nape. It's finally begun.
Our final battle is here.