Chris's POV
After the day I had yesterday, I called my therapist. I needed an emergency session because I needed to talk to somebody. I already went to his house with a gun and thankfully Trey kind of talked me down from it, but I still caused a scene and probably scared the shit out of the security guard. So I needed to get out my feelings and my thoughts so I can at least try to process what happened.
I pulled up and sat in the parking lot, I wasn't having second thoughts but I was just super nervous about going in. Even though I've been going to therapy for the last few months, I still get really nervous because in a way I still feel like they be fucking up my head. I get really bad anxiety as soon as I pull up. Every time. It never fails.
I stared at the building for a few seconds, "Aight. I can do this." I say to myself.
I take another hit off my blunt, then I put it out. I get out of the car and I go into the building. My therapist always scheduled me for two hours even though I only have an hour appointment. She does that so there's no one in the office when I get there.
I walk in and walk directly into her office.
"Hi!" She says with a big smile on her face. "Have a seat."
"How are you?" I take a seat on the sofa.
"I'm okay, and you?" She asks then she gets up from her desk and walks over to the chair and she has a seat.
"I'm Aight." I say
"That's good to hear." She says, "I figured you would call me in for an emergency session."
"Yeah, I had a rough day yesterday. I know you've heard about what I'm going through." I say
I watch her as she watches me remove my jacket.
"Yes. I just want to make sure I'm available when you need me." She smiles, "I was expecting it."
I sigh, "I'm happy we can still keep this professional after the last two sessions, because I'm really going through it today." I admit
"Of course. Dick doesn't move me. I'm focused. So what's going on?" He asks
"Okay..." I take a deep breath, "I went over to their house with a gun yesterday and I'm not sure about what I was going to do with it, but I did it and I'm not proud of that. I completely lost it."
"Did you black out?"
"No. I remember everything. My guy Trey tried to talk me out of it. I gave him the gun but when we got to his house the security guard was kissing me off by not letting me in, so I pulled the gun on him." I explain
"And what did that do for you?" She asks
"Nothing. I didn't even do anything with it. Trey got so pissed at me. He didn't want me to do anything because he knows I'm always in some type of trouble with the police and the majority of the time he's the one who gets me out of it. He kept yelling if something happened he couldn't get me out of it. He couldn't say it was him if there were cameras. I didn't listen though. I let my feelings get the best of me."
"He's a good friend." She says
"He definitely is. I can do I'm a good friend to him though. We both have our own lives and he had a family. Well, he has a daughter and a baby mama that he lives with. This happened about a year after I met her. He just doesn't come around as much as he used to. He's the one that introduced Shawnie to me. He loves her and sometimes I feel like he takes her side over mine. So I get mad so him and I don't talk to him."
"Is he taking her side with all of this going on?" She asks
"No. He doesn't even know half of the stuff that's been going on between us. Pretty much the last year he's been MIA and I guess when he heard all of the shit that was going on between her and I he decided to make an appearance. Great timing too. Trey is always my voice of reason."
"He's someone you should keep around regardless if he agrees with you or not. He's a good person to you and you need people like that around you." She says, "So tell me where the anger came from yesterday."
"I was so confused as to why she would even do this interview and say all of the things she said." I say
"I watched the interview. Obviously because you're my patient and she was trying to hurt you. It was one thing for them to talk about him, their relationship and what they had going on, but the interview was based on your relationship with her. It wasn't meant for anything else. I just want you to understand that."
"I know that now. I didn't even know it was happening. My mom called me to tell me the time on the show. I was surprised as hell." I say shaking my head, remembering.
"So talk to me about what you're feeling, you seem triggered right now." She says
"I'm mad as hell. I feel like she turned on me. I feel like she doesn't care about me anymore. I feel like all she's trying to do is erase what we had. I was the only thing concrete in her life, besides her fam. She completed me. I loved her. I thought about her every second of my day. But lets be honest, I fucked this up from the beginning. I was really trying to man up and be with only her but I just kept fucking with other bitches. I tried to be faithful, but I'm Chris Brown. I couldn't. I tried. And I lied about having a baby... I just fucked up on so many levels and I regret it. I regret everything. Now she's supposed to be moving to Canada, with that bitchass nigga, and my stupid ass said it was okay for her to take my daughter with her." I shake my head. I'm so disappointed in myself.
"Okay. So she left you... I understand you loved her and from what I can gather, it seemed like you guys were in love at one point, but the relationship is over, you have to let it go. I understand you're hurting, after all this time... but If she doesn't want to be with you anymore, you can't force it. She's in a relationship with a new person now." She says
"I know people didn't like her but that was my baby. We would sit and have talks about things that we went through. Things that I couldn't talk to anyone else about. We both have been through a lot and I leaned on her because she always gave me what I needed, when I needed it. When you have a connection with someone like that it's hard to just let it go. I know shit was fucked up but I still had hoped that we would somehow make it through this. We've done this before. We've broken up and gotten back together many times. I just felt like this was no different and we would move on from this. She's leaving me behind and I just can't deal with that. I thought we would go through this together."
"Okay, Chris, you just completely disregarded everything I just said to you. You have to understand the relationship is over. Do you understand what I'm saying?" She asks
"I understand, I just don't accept it." I say
"Well you have to. She's moved on. You have to try to get over this because you two have a daughter to raise. You gotta be in her life it's not like you're never going to see her again. You just have to learn how to be around her and not be so intense with your feelings. You don't have to always express how you're feeling all the time. You don't have to show everyone that you're mad."
"Intense." I mock her., rolling my eyes.
"Yes. You don't like that word?"
"She used to use that word to explain how I looked at her."
"Well we don't have to get into details about that. You said you let her take your daughter, let's talk about that." She says crossing her legs. I can't help it, but that catches my attention.
She chuckled, "Focus." She says
"We had been going back-and-forth fighting a lot. More than usual and I felt like she was gonna take her regardless, so I just gave her permission. She hasn't kept her from me yet and she always says that I can see her when I want to so I'm trying to make good with that. I hope she's not lying about it but I decided to take that chance because I didn't want to create more friction between us."
"She's working with you, right?"
"I don't know. I've been calling and texting her from multiple numbers but I haven't gotten a response. I think she has her phone turned off. Probably because of the interview, or maybe she doesn't want to face me because they announced they are married. Even if they did shit the right way she wouldn't be able to face me and tell me that."
"How do you feel about that?" She asks
"What do you mean how do I feel about that. I'm fucked up about it. She married him? We were engaged. She was supposed to marry me. Not him. I know we have problems but we loved each other so much we didn't want to be without each other so we were trying to work them out. I sent that relationship over the edge. I dropped the ball when she needed me the most and I was so into my feelings I couldn't see past what I was feeling and I should've put her feelings before mine after she had the baby. I could've put my shit to the side because she put her shit to the side when I needed her. The only thing I can say about that it's all fucked up. I know I keep saying it but that's the only words that I have for the situation."
"And you can't accept that the relationship is over because you feel that it is solely your fault that it is. Am I right?"
"Yes."
"But you have to accept it. As you always said, your focus should be your daughter. You need to completely cut ties with her romantically, or thinking that you guys are going to get back together. It's not gonna happen so focus on something else. Focus on your music, how you always do."
"She's full—." I cut myself off, then I start talking again. "It's not as simple as everyone thinks. I can't just sever ties with her. It's not just about my daughter."
"Well I think meditation might be good for you guys. If you're not willing to only communicate with her about your daughter, guys have to have some type of relationship where you can be cordial." She says
"I can't. Too much has happened." I say
"Okay. Let's think about this. If you continue going on the path that you're going you're going to end up in a mental hospital somewhere."
"I know...it's just hard." I say
"What else is bothering you?"
"She brought up that I falsified legal documents."
"Is that true?"
"I'm not confirming or denying anything. I have to talk to my lawyer about that." I lied. I don't know if I can trust this bitch yet. She's good for a quick fuck but with incriminating evidence, I don't know about all that. So I'm just gonna keep it to myself.
"Okay, we can skip that. When you're ready to talk about it, we can. Confidentially."
"Yup."
"What else?" She asks
"She let him hold my daughter. Then she took a picture of it and posted it. For everyone to see."
"Chris," She takes a deep breath, "You do know that's not logical right. This little girl lives in the home with him. She sees him everyday, she knows him, she looks to him for things, just like she will look to her mother. Him holding or picking her up is something that's going to happen. No, I don't think the picture should have been posted. I understand your frustrations with that. But it happened regardless if you know what happens or not. You're just upset because you've seen it with your own eyes."
"I don't want to see that shit, and I don't want him holding her. That's my daughter."
"Well, aren't they married?"
I don't say anything, I just look at her like she's crazy.
"She's his stepdaughter." She says
"No She's not."
"Chris, yes she is, and that's something you have to accept as well."
"Let's move on. I don't want to talk about this anymore."
"Okay. So, I looked over the notes of Dr. Jor—."
I cut her off, "Dr. Jordan? The fuck you're talking to him for?"
"I have been in contact with all of your past doctors. I needed them to transfer your files to me. So as I said, I've been looking over the notes that Dr. Jordan attached to your file and I saw a lot of side notes where he would ask you a question, or make a comment, and you would get upset about whatever the comment or question was."
"That nigga annoyed the shit out of me. At first I thought it would be a good thing because if we were kind of close in age, and he seemed like he knew his shit, but I started feeling like he wanted my girl. He would always look at her and smile and make side comments and bullshit. I didn't like that shit."
"Let's stay on task. Dr. Jordan..."
"I felt like he was trying to get rid of me because he wanted my girlfriend. He would ask a lot of bullshit questions that I just didn't like. He asked me why she babied me. I looked at him like he was crazy because she doesn't baby me."
"Okay. He said you guys would feed off of each other. He observed when she got a little upset, you would get riled up along her. He also said you guys were codependent on each other which I agree with. He said that she is a trigger for you. You're overly protective, overly obsessive, and possessive. I agree with that as well. You said before that you do too. Correct?"
"Yeah. I said all of those things before and I will say it again. I damn near still feel the same way." I admit
"Is it healthy?"
"No, but that's how I feel." I reply, feeling little defensive.
"I understand that's how you feel but I'm sure you've heard it before but it's not healthy. And the fact that you said you still feel that way, I think that's why you're still so hurt because you do have those feelings and you just can't let them go. But once you can learn to control your feelings and to control your anger, you will be able to let the relationship go and officially close that chapter. So we should work on letting go of those feelings."
"Okay...."
"So first things first, obviously you should create a distance between you and her but I know that's not always possible since you guys share a daughter. So I just want you to try to keep your distance if it doesn't have anything to do with her bringing you your daughter. Okay?"
"I can definitely try to do that. It's not like I could just go over to her house." I say
"Another thing I need for you to do is practice mindfulness and self-care. Meditate, I know you say you like to do that. You can use that to be more in the moment. Do things that make you happy. Can you try doing that for me?" She asks
"I can do that."
"Okay. Good." She smiles
She closes her iPad , and sits it on the table next to her. "You wanna fuck now?"
I stand up, unbuckling my pants, "Hell yeah."
What did you guys think about this chapter?
••♥️••
Well... it's happening. A prequel...
•••••
Find out what really happened with:
Her mom...
Her College years...
Her parents' marriage...
Her friendship with Cassidy...
Her and her ex, Marcel...
And how she became the person she is today.
Find out what secrets she's been holding on to.
Find it in my works. First chapter will be released the same day as the last chapter of this book.