SYDNEY POV - TWO MONTHS BEFORE THE TRIP
"Bitches, it's Corpse's birthday," Mina said, walking to the living room where Catherine and I were sprawled out on the couch.
"Oh shit, we should call him," I said, sitting up a little. "Should we dress up like e-girls and FaceTime him?"
"We should make him a lil video," Catherine said, sitting up too. "We could make up a dance for 'Hot Demon Bitches'."
"He'd think that's so fucking funny," Mina laughed, her eyes wide with excitement. "We have to!"
"How about we make it seem like it's just going to be you guys in the video, and I'll throw money at you guys or something and then we can do a surprise cut to me?" I said. "That's the real present, he gets a face reveal."
"Wait, that's perfect actually," Catherine said, and we all jumped up to try to figure out a dance. We couldn't come up with anything actually coherent, so we settled for Mina and Catherine twerking on each other while I threw money on them from off-camera. Once we finally had that completed, we moved on to the 'extended cut' for Corpse.
We hadn't exactly discussed what exactly I was to be doing in this part of the video, so I winged it as best as I could. They started out with me dancing, cutting off my face at first. I shook my ass a little for the camera, before nodding at them to start panning the camera up. I kept rolling my hips as my hand traveled up my body slowly. As soon as the "collar on her neck" line started I choked myself and bit my lip as I stared into the camera. The girls looked like they were going to scream.
We decided that that was a good of an end shot that we were going to get, and started editing the little video. "Is he even going to know that's me?" I laughed, as my part started playing.
"He'll see the rings and he'll know," Catherine nodded, creating the group chat to send the video. She was right, our little group had a tradition of sending each other hand pictures as proof of life after we hadn't heard from each other in a while. I hardly ever changed my rings, so it was as good a way as any to identify me.
"We look so fucking good," Mina squealed as we edited it to make the camera shake when the bass dropped. The video was mostly meant to be a joke so we tried to make it as funny as possible.
Group Message: Corpse Husband, Sydney, Mina, & Catherine
sexy hotties only
Catherine-
happy birthday baby boy
*Attachment: 1 video*
Mina-
we love you, king
Sydney-
don't fall in love with us or anything
I added the last bit so he'd hopefully realize it was me in the video. He read it almost immediately, but it took him several minutes to respond.
Corpse-
best fucking birthday ever
that has to be syd right?
i love you guys :] bad bitches across the board
i was having a rough day and this almost made me cry
watched it like ten times, not in a creepy way though
Mina-
we were trying to be sexy and funny not make you cry
sorry bby
Corpse-
very sexy, very funny
i cried tears of horny joy
syd, i can't believe you showed your face
does this mean i'm an honorary member of the gals
Sydney-
me neither, thank the girls for their amazing director/cinematography skills
they made me look real good
you've been an honorary member bb but yes
Corpse-
let me choke u instead of u choking u <333
also mina you're so fucking short dude
Sydney-
isn't she? tiniest lil thing
i just want to squeeze her until her little tiny baby doll eyes pop out
if we ever meet you can choke me king, i'll allow it once... as a friend
Mina-
ew please sext privately
and i'm not short, syd is just a giantess and cat is tall too
syd, when will the violence end?
Catherine-
you're short babe, get over it
even when it's not in comparison to us, you're still small
i want to squeeze her too, let's do it at the same time
Corpse-
a little choke, as a treat
oh man little dreamy boy is going to be so jealous
this is so great
can i squeeze mina too
Mina-
no one will be squeezing me
leave me alone you giants, i'm an endangered species
kiss me instead, all of you
kisses for the homies
Sydney-
lmao why would he be jealous? he doesn't even like us
fine min we won't squeeze you
i'm coming to kiss you though >:-) pucker up dollface
Corpse-
does he have bad bitches dancing to his music? didn't think so
seriously you guys are hot as hell
i wish i could get a video tattooed inside my eyelids so i could watch this forever
Mina-
hire us to perform with you on stage
Catherine-
yeah we'll tour with you king
we'll do it for beer and lemon pepper wings we don't even need money
Sydney-
fuck me, now i want wings
Corpse-
can i talk about this video online or nah
i won't get into specifics
i want wings too now, why would you rile me up like that cat
Catherine-
yes you can
and so sorry b
it's your birthday, get yourself some wings
Mina-
yes you can talk about it
i second cat's motion, you deserve some wings
Sydney-
yeah of course, lol tell every1 i actually am cute <3
i know there's been some doubts
i third cat's motion
We all joked around for a little longer before deciding to watch the stream that Corpse had to jump into. There was a fairly large group playing Among Us: Valkyrae, Corpse Husband, Sykkuno, Dream, George, SapNap, Karl Jacobs, Jacksepticeye, and a few other people I didn't know very well.
"How's your birthday going, Corpse?" Dream asked as everyone sat in the waiting room. "What was your favorite present?"
"I got a Syd face-reveal and a little video from the gals so I'd have to say that," Corpse said. "It definitely made my day."
"Is she hot?" Rae yelled, "I just know she's hot. I can feel the hot girl energy."
"You guys would shit your pants," he laughed, "she's bad as hell."
"Doubt it," Dream grumbled, and I could basically hear his eyes rolling.
"She looks way different than I expected," he continued. "I don't want to go into specifics or anything, obviously, but she is almost the complete opposite of what I pictured."
"I can't tell if I picture her more as like... a sorority girl kind of thing or if I see her as more of like the bad bitch type. The voice throws me off," Karl laughed.
Corpse started to say something, but cut himself off quickly. He sighed, then said, "I feel like I can't reply to that without giving away too much information."
"I'm still not buying that you two aren't a thing," Dream said, and I could tell he was getting a little irritated at the mention of me, let alone the continued discussion. I couldn't help but notice he was part of the reason it was going on so long though. "There's just no way."
"We're just friends, dude," Corpse grumbled. "We've been over this."
"Then why did she show you her face and no one else?" Dream was getting pushy.
"Because we're homies... and I've known her the longest?" Corpse said, sounding genuinely a little confused. "Maybe she'd send you a little video for your birthday if you were nice to her."
"It sounds like she was sexting you, Corpse," Karl was giggling like a little kid. "Your phrasing is leaving a lot to the imagination."
"Jesus Christ you guys are sick," Corpse couldn't help but laugh at that. "It was all of them fucking around and dancing to my song. Syd do be a freak though and she'd agree if she was here right now."
"Ew, stop," Dream yelled. "Can we please change the subject?"
"Aw, is Dreamy pie a little jealous," Seán said, faking a frown. "Does he want Squid all to himself?"
"I literally hate her, so no, I really don't," Dream grumbled, "can we just play this damn game already? You, Corpse, and Karl are the ones who are up her ass all the time, leave me out of this."
"You started this whole conversation, but yeah I guess," Corpse was a little irritated.
Sydney-
don't start a fight again
for real, i don't want to get involved in this one lol
Corpse-
maybe if he wasn't being a dick again, we'd be good
he's really been getting on my nerves
he's not even being funny when he drags you, which is my issue, he's just rude for no reason
at least you're funny when you make fun of him
Sydney-
i don't even care about it anymore, just let him be a dick
i want to meet you now :(
going to go cry about it
Corpse-
aw, you want to see my face <333333 how sweet
i actually have to head to your neck of the woods this year for some music shit in like three months or something
can i stay with the gals
Sydney-
omg of course
we'd love that so much
i'll cook for u bb
Corpse-
are you going to let me choke you bb
Sydney-
only if you take a pic and make it the album cover :/
Corpse-
suddenly i'm changing my flight and leaving right now
i'm so amped to see you guys hopefully i don't freak tf out the day of and have to cancel
i'll only be there for like five days or something and i'll be slammed for the first two... after that i'm all yours b
Sydney-
oh man i'm getting hot already
if you had to cancel we would understand pls do not feel bad if it comes to that
when it gets closer let me know more deets
He somehow managed to keep talking on the stream while texting me, which was something I was not very good at doing. "Guess what, everyone!" Corpse boomed. "I'm taking my ass down to New Orleans to see Syd, Mina, and Catherine in like two and a half or three months!"
"Wait, can I come?" Rae asked, echoed by Karl begging to come.
"If the girls are down we should have a giant meet-up," Corpse said, getting excited. "Everyone can come except for Dream!"
"I wouldn't want to go anyway," Dream grumbled, getting mad that the conversation was shifting back to me. "They'd kill me and dump my dead body in a swamp or something. Hell no."
"Hey, who knows, three months is a long time," Corpse laughed. "Maybe some major cosmic event will happen and you two will be the best of friends by then."
"Not in this lifetime, Corpse," Dream said, and Corpse got the memo that the subject needed to be changed again.
The conversation shifted to the game, and I was relieved. I could tell Dream was about five seconds away from really laying into Corpse and me. I was glad that both of them had been much less intense in their little spat this time. It barely even registered on Twitter, and I sighed with relief.
Dream-
can you ask your boyfriend to stop bringing you up around me?
i can't help but bully you when you're the main topic of conversation, it's too tempting :)
Sydney-
he's not my boyfriend
get over it and play nice, it's really not that hard
Dream-
you just really fucking rub me the wrong way, syd
Sydney-
sucks to suck babes
maybe i rub you the right way and that's why you're having such a hissy fit over me
think about that and get back to me <3
Dream-
i don't need to think about it
it's not true so don't worry your pretty little head about it :)
Sydney-
oh, so you think i'm pretty?
you're such a sweet talker, dream
i had no clue
Dream-
no, but corpse said you were bad
he has good taste generally, but i'm not sold on it yet
I couldn't help but tease him a little. It was so easy to get him riled up and it was one of the only sources of entertainment in my life. I had been so depressed for the past year, really. As much as he pissed me off, I felt more like myself than I had in a long time when we bantered back and forth. I forced myself to stream and make videos and be my normal self, but as soon as I was done, I'd crawl back into bed and go to sleep or stare blankly at the glow-in-the-dark stars on my ceiling for hours until the sun rose. The last few nights had been occupied by the latter of the two.
It's been days since I'd gotten any significant sleep, so I wasn't doing as good of a job at arguing with him as I usually did. I was bordering on delirium at this point, so it was a miracle I was making any sense at all. Even he was taking it easier on me than usual. I could tell he was tired, even just from his voice on the stream and then the messages between us. As much as I couldn't stand the guy, I was hoping that he was okay. I'd never really heard his voice deviate from the energetic, loud tone he employed constantly until the last week or so. He didn't necessarily sound sad, but he sounded exhausted.
CLAY POV
I don't even know why I messaged her -- I guess I just wanted a reaction. I didn't want to admit this, but the past few months had been really rough and this week I hadn't really been able to hide that. I was just not my normal self, and I spent every moment I wasn't filming in my bed sleeping or half-watching random videos on YouTube. I knew I sounded tired and out of it this week even before some of the comments in my chat asked me about it. I ignored all of the questions and tried to perk back up, but it wasn't happening. Or, at least it wasn't happening until I talked to her. That gave me much more emotion than I'd been capable of feeling lately, even if those emotions were limited to rage and irritation.
I wasn't entirely sure why, but the way Corpse talked about her pissed me off a little. He acted like no one else knew her or was friends with her. It was like he was the only one and then used that to rile me up on purpose. I knew she and Seán were friends and had done a few collaboration videos for Subnautica and some other games together, but he didn't stake such a claim over her. Karl and Sydney were friends too and he never acted like that. I loved Corpse and we were friends, but the way he acted when it came to Sydney pissed me off like nothing else.
I almost texted him next to tell him to stop bringing her up, but I knew it'd result in a fight. We still hadn't fully patched things up, but we'd been a lot less tense lately and I didn't want to stir things up.
Dream-
hey rae :) can we talk
if you have a second
Valkyrae-
yeah, of course!
what do you want to talk about?
Dream-
....
squid
Valkyrae-
oh :/
honestly, my allegiance is to her
so please don't talk shit about her because i'll have to tell her and it'll get really weird really fast
Dream-
no, it's not that
don't worry
are her and corpse a thing? please tell me the truth
Valkyrae-
oh god no
he's tried a few times to make a move on her, but she's not into it so he gave up
they really are just friends and i think he's over her now
are you feeling some type of way about it?
Dream-
i don't know
i don't want to feel any type of way about it
but the way he acts like he owns her really pisses me off
Valkyrae-
interesting... v interesting
they're really close because they have some similar mental health issues and they bonded over the whole faceless thing
i always thought you liked her tbh and this is kind of confirming that
bc i don't think anyone else gets that vibe from their interactions
Dream-
i don't like her in the slightest and that's why it's so confusing
i can't stand her but i also can't stop thinking about her and it's making me a little sick
Valkyrae-
i won't tell her, don't worry
i don't know what that means for you, but i think you should think about it for yourself and decide what you want to do
you should talk to her at some point and have a real conversation
she really does think that you really think she fucked her way to the top
and that you really truly do hate her, and i don't think that you do
Dream-
okay
thanks, rae -- i appreciate it
i'll talk to her, hopefully she doesn't bite my head off
Valkyrae-
honestly, she'd never admit it, but she kind of loves getting into it with you
at least to a certain extent
you've both been fairly cordial lately, at least for you two, so she probably is eagerly anticipating your next showdown
Rae was right about a lot of things in that conversation, but I couldn't really fully process that yet. I didn't want to admit the last little bit to her about me not being able to get her out of my mind, but I did want to give her a warning about Corpse. I didn't think he had bad intentions by any means, but I felt like he was unconsciously consuming her light a little bit.
Dream-
i need to say something but please don't take it the wrong way
Sydney-
great opener
can't wait to see what you have in store for me, babes
Dream-
please stop for just like two seconds
i'm trying to have a real conversation here
what's up with you and corpse?
Sydney-
lmaooooo
we're just friends, i promise
don't worry, i'm not trying to steal him from you
Dream-
syd, i don't like the way he talks about you
i can't fucking stand it
Sydney-
again, sucks to suck
idk what to tell you, we're just friends and it's just a joke
Dream-
i don't think it's a joke for him
he acts like he owns you, it makes me mad
Sydney-
i promise you it is all jokes
he doesn't act like he owns me, i don't know where you're getting that from
do you have examples or something, because i'm genuinely lost
also, why do you even care?
Dream-
he's constantly acting like you're his little pet, don't be dense
it makes you look like a little bit of a hoe (for lack of a better word) sometimes, honestly
and i know you're not, i don't like how he makes you come across
Sydney-
lmaoooo you're fucking kidding me, right?
you're the one who accused me of sleeping with him for clout? put on your big boy pants and get over it, you've done worse
i still don't get why you actually care
Dream-
because i don't want him to crush you, syd
i don't want him to take over you and for it to be the corpse and syd show when it should be the syd show
Sydney-
i don't even know how to respond
if it was anyone else i would say that was sweet, and i'd thank you, but coming from you it feels like maybe you're mad it's not the dream and syd show
in which you are the villain who is my only antagonist
Dream-
idk how to explain this to make you get it, so nevermind
i was just trying to let you know how it looks from the outside
sleep well, syd
Sydney-
going to bed already? :[
we were getting along so well
Dream-
you're so fucking annoying it's mindblowing
Sydney-
so are you
Dream-
whatever
forget i said anything
Sydney-
already did
i don't like to waste my brain storage on you
Dream-
how sweet
you've got everyone fooled, you know
i gotta admit it's kind of impressive
Sydney-
if you're the only one who doesn't like me, isn't it more likely that it's a you problem?
Dream-
no
you are 100% the problem
Sydney-
you know maybe if you were nice to me, then you'd see that i'm actually a fairly good person
i've never claimed to be perfect, but i'm not the bitch you think i am
Dream-
i never said you weren't a good person, at least towards people you like
i just think you're kinda fake, to be totally honest
Sydney-
ha
you're really funny big guy
really fucking funny
Dream-
whatever
believe it or not, i didn't text you to fight, even though i know you secretly love it
i texted you because i'm genuinely concerned
i'm going to bed now, don't reply
Sydney-
sweet dreams baby
i love you endlessly and tirelessly, my handsome king
<33333
Dream-
are you illiterate or just annoying?
Sydney-
just annoying
kinda like you buddy
for real though, sleep well
you've sounded kind of tired recently -- hope you're okay
Dream-
oh thanks that's really sweet of you
you sound tired too
Sydney-
i actually was just trying to be nice there, i didn't mean for it to sound so backhanded lol my b
burnout is real; don't overwork yourself, take some time off if you need it -- i'm one more bad day away from having to do the same
you don't owe anyone constant content, especially if it comes at the expense of your own mental and physical health
Dream-
wow
i truly did not expect that from you
I did something I probably shouldn't have done after that -- I called her. I was partially delirious from exhaustion, and I wasn't exactly thinking clearly. I didn't expect her to answer, but for some reason, she picked up the phone within seconds.
"Hi," she sounded a little on-edge, but I could understand why. "I'm too tired to actually fight if that's what you're calling for. Make an appointment if you want to get into it, I'm a busy lady."
"No, Syd," I laughed. "I called because what you said was actually really nice and it made me feel a little bit better about things. We don't have to talk, but it sounds like we could both use it right now."
"No arguing?" She asked after a brief pause.
"No arguing," I said. "Just a normal conversation. We can even pretend like we're friends or something -- just for five minutes. It will stay between us."
"Okay," she sighed. "I might not even remember this tomorrow anyway, I'm not even convinced I'm fully awake right now and I will probably subconsciously block this from my memory if it turns out that I am." I could tell she was mostly joking with me, I could hear a hint of sarcasm but I could tell she was too tired to put more effort into it.
"I will instantly forget every word of this once we're done, don't worry about me. Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you, I guess," I shrugged, even though she couldn't see. "I feel better after hearing that. Not that you being in a not-good place is good, but it was reassuring to hear and I'm glad someone understands. Sometimes I feel bad for feeling so... maxed out, I guess? I just look at everyone else and they all seem to handle it so well and I feel like I'm running on empty."
She was silent for a moment again while she thought about her response. "I feel the exact same way. I'm extremely embarrassed to admit it because, as far as jobs go, we have a really fucking sweet gig. I feel guilty for complaining about something I know people would kill to be able to do. On the other hand, having to be the person that people want you to be and who they think you are online and then going back to just regular old you at the end of the day is really, really exhausting."
"Wow," I leaned back onto my pillows. "I haven't really been able to put it into words, but that was eerily spot-on." I couldn't believe we were having a civil conversation, let alone one that was on a subject matter like this. It was easy to forget that we actually had quite a lot in common. "I feel like a character sometimes. It's hard to remember where Dream ends and where I begin. They're not that different, but it's still a mindfuck."
"Sometimes the fan art really messes with my head," her voice was much quieter now. I could tell she was about to say something that she probably hadn't told many other people before. I kind of doubted she had ever told anyone at all, she sounded more hesitant than I'd ever heard her. The bravado that I had come to expect from her was nowhere to be found. "This might be more of a girl problem, but they draw me like I'm a supermodel or something. I feel like I can't be average, I can't be mediocre. I can't even be good -- I have to be perfect and I have to be the person they imagine me to be. I feel like the expectations far outweigh what I could ever deliver and it's all going to catch up to me one day. I worry that I'm never going to be enough."
"God, that's the worst part sometimes," I breathed. "They draw me like Apollo or Adonis or some shit, it's terrifying. I'm so fucking scared that people will see me and everything will come crashing down. I'm not a bridge troll or anything, but I'm inevitably going to be below a large group of people's expectations, and it's hard to think about for too long. I keep pushing my face reveal back because I'm so scared of disappointing people. I don't care if people who aren't my actual fans and supporters think I'm an ugly loser or whatever, but I don't think I'll be able to handle it if it comes from fans."
"I didn't really expect you to have to deal with that too. I'm sorry," she said. "It's even scarier because we have attractive friends. Mina and Cat are the two most beautiful fairy goddess creatures I've ever laid my eyes on, and Nick and George are hot too. People expect hot people to associate and congregate with hot people. The expectations for us are like, way higher than they would be otherwise. They're kind of lucky, honestly. I almost wish I had just shown my face from the jump, it might've made it a bit easier."
That made me snort with laughter, and I hoped Nick didn't hear me. I also hoped that it didn't give Sydney too much satisfaction. "That's true. I hadn't really considered that, but it's definitely a factor. I think hot people do tend to find each other though, so maybe we're hotter than we think. They are lucky though. It's weird because we can't even really talk to them about all of this shit because they really just don't fully understand."
"Exactly. They mean well and they try to help me, but it's hard. They engage with their fans and other streamers in a wildly different way than I do -- it's like they're experiencing something totally different from me," I could hear her shuffling around a little. It sounded like she was in bed too. "It's hard to find someone to relate to sometimes. I think that's why Corpse and I are so tight, he just gets it. Anyway, I'm sure you can tell but I am exhausted, and I know you are too. We should probably go to bed."
"I feel the same way about Nick and George, if it makes you feel any better. They try their best to understand, but it's just not the same," I laughed. "You and Corpse make a lot more sense now, I didn't really think about it like that." I was quiet for a second after that. I honestly wanted to keep talking to her, but I knew we were pushing our luck right now anyways, this was undoubtedly the longest we'd been able to talk without it getting argumentative. "Goodnight, Squidney. Sleep well."
"Thank you. You too," she said. I could hear how slow she was speaking and I wondered if she'd fall asleep before she even got the chance to hang up. "This might've been our first ever genuinely nice conversation. One for the history books."
"Again, we can pretend it never happened if you want," I said, and the faint exhale through her nose let me know she probably would have laughed at that if she had more energy. "It's embarrassing for both parties."
"Cool, thank you," her accent was incredibly strong tonight and it made me laugh a little internally. "Goodnight."
"Goodnight, Syd. Thank you, I really mean it," I said, and hung up.
I hadn't realized it until I put my phone down and caught a glimpse of my face in the mirror that I was smiling like a fucking idiot. I wondered how many times I had sat there with that stupid grin on my face while arguing or talking with her. I admired how she always had a come-back, and it was almost instantaneous too. I had realized a while ago that she was far wittier and smarter than I had given her credit for, and every time we spoke she confirmed that realization even more.
Her last messages and our phone call shocked me more than anything. She always seemed so perky and lively, it was weird to see her acknowledge that she wasn't always okay. I knew that she and Corpse always helped each other through some rough times, but I had never pried for more information simply because I didn't really care at the time. Now I kind of wished that I had.
I still didn't like her by any stretch of the imagination, but I had a lot more respect for her now. I kind of hoped she was gaining more respect for me too, but I doubted it. I felt bad for calling her fake -- especially after she'd just been more real with me than pretty much anyone else ever had about how much they struggled with being so online -- but I had a feeling she was getting sick of my apologies so I didn't offer any new ones. I was getting sick of them too, to be honest.
-------- a/n --------
this chapter will make more sense once the next few updates come out
should be in the next day or so, i just want to make sure it's edited properlyyyyy
i ended up scrapping a few chapters i had written for after this bc i didn't like how it was setting up a plot point
updates have been few and far between bc of this but i am working on re-writing now :) thank you for all of your support and patience :)