It pissed me off.
It hurt.
And I wasn't fucking sure why but the second I saw that girl, the way she smiled at Shawn and touched his arm and kissed his cheek.
It was clear they were fuck buddy's,
Well, Ian said it himself and Shawn didn't deny it.
What happened in the water?
He had his hands on my waist and I swear my body was on fire with each gentle touch.
But as soon as he saw her, he dropped everything.
This boy couldn't have my mind any more in a mess.
"Where are we going to eat"?
Ian asked, putting Ally's stuff in the car for her.
I wasn't even sure who's car it was.
And I didn't have to question or wonder what Ian an Al were, she did this with most of the men she met and slept with.
"Dunno" Shawn opened his door, getting in and slipping the key in it's spot.
The familiar black mustang roared.
"Ally I'll ride with you"
I pulled my jeans up all the way over my bum, still wearing my wet bikini.
"Sorry babe, Ian called it"
She got in her drivers seat and shut the door.
Ian ran off to the passenger seat.
So I stood.
Awkwardly with Shawn's passenger side door opened.
He didn't make eye contact with me, just looked ahead at the road ready to take off.
I didn't want to ride with him.
But I did want to at the same time.
"Are you gonna get in or would you rather hitch hike"?
His tone shot at me.
What was up his ass?
"I would rather"
I rolled my eyes, getting in hesitantly and shutting the door.
As soon as my buckle clicked he pressed the gas and we were off.
I was mad.
I was mad and I hated it.
No one got on my nerves like him.
"where do you wanna go to eat"?He asked, flipping through stations on the radio.
I shrugging, fiddling with my hands again and staring out the window.
"We don't have to go where Ally and Ian go, we can just go wherever and I'll take you home"
"You can just take me home now.., please"
I cleared my throat, my voice a little too quiet.
It was like the second me an Shawn were okay, it only lasted minutes.
And I wanted to be okay all the time.
More than okay.
"Why? Aren't you hungry"
I could feel him looking at me then back at the road over again.
"No" I lied.
"You haven't eaten at all, not even last night"
"I'm fine"
He didn't reply.
We drove quietly for several minutes, Ally's car turning down a road while ours kept going straight.
I wanted to ask him what was going on between us, because these last few weeks have clearly been something.
"What are your plans for the night"?
He broke the silence.
I bit my nail.
"I'm not sure. I have to go pick up P, she's probably a little scared I haven't come back yet."
We weren't gonna go home though, I didn't tell him that part.
"You"?
I asked.
"Oh um..." He gripped the steering wheel, almost hesitant to answer.
I looked at him, waiting.
"I'm going to Amanda's house"
My heart fell.
And as much as it felt like I was being stabbed in the chest, as much pain as those five words caused me.
I was mad.
I was fuming.
"What"?
I fumbled out.
"I'm just going to Amanda's to hang out"
My heart was pounding fast.
I didn't want to be mad.
I shouldn't be, me and Shawn weren't dating but the thought of that.,. That whore touching him made my stomach turn.
"Oh"
Was all I could manage to say.
I wanted to yell.
But for what? I had no right.
Did I?
"What's wrong"?
Did he really just ask me what was wrong?
"Are you stupid"?
I didn't think, I just said it. Fast and harsh.
"What"? He looked at me.
"Your such a fucking guy Shawn. You don't catch onto anything iv been throwing at your these past weeks. I feel like my chest is gonna explode Everytime your around and I can't ever stop fucking thinking about you and I hate. I hate it and it won't stop."
I was crying.
I didn't realize it but tears were steaming down my cheeks and I was breathing heavy, my fists were clenched together and I couldn't get it all out fast enough.
"Willow I.." He tried to talk, confused and in shock at my words and reaction.
"No. Don't speak. Because everytime you do something comes out to piss me off. You make me so fucking mad and I don't know why. I want to hate you as much as I hate the way you make me feel but I can't. I can't do it"
He pulled over.
But I didn't stop screaming.
"I'm tried. I'm so tired with all the shit that's going on at home, I want to run away. I want to take my baby sister and fucking leave this god damn town but the second I met you that planned changed. It's not fair. You throw these signals at me then you tell me your going to fuck some girl tonight? What am I to you? I get that we,. We barely know each other but I know your not clueless to what your doing to me and I..."
"Willow" he placed his hand on my wrist.
His cheeks red and eyes sunken.
"I can't feel like this anymore... I can't do it anymore"
I let my head fall in my hands.
I just cried.
I cried and cried.
Shawn's arms wrapped around me tightly,
He held me.
He held me while I sulked into his chest.
And I realized, while in his arms.
I realized I wasn't just crying about this boy who did mean so much to me,
I was crying about everything.
About mom
About dad.
Everything that iv been holding in for too long.
And the only person I wanted, the only person iv ever let inside.
Was holding me in his arms.
"It's okay Willow, it's gonna be okay"