I couldn't stay here for any longer, so I called the only person I could think of, with my ego taking a huge hit I dialled Sebastian's number and asked him if he could pick me up.
I just needed to get some air and talk,
I had so much to get off of my chest these past few months and I knew Seb was the only person who would listen and not judge me.
The whole car drive was filled with silence and the radio's sound, but it was a content silence not awkward.
Seb pulled into the parking lot and we got out still not saying anything, looking out on the town you could see everything, it was dark out but everything was lit up,
the town looks so small from here. From our view it looked like we held the whole world in our hands.
Breaking the silence I spoke up.
I think I just needed to tell someone after all these months and with him, it felt like I could tell him everything and that scared me.
it shook me deep to the core knowing how much I wanted to let Seb in, let him be there for me, tell him everything that has been eating me up on the inside.
"You know I wasn't always this way."
I felt Seb's hard green eyed gaze on me but I kept looking straight as I continued taking deep breaths trying to gain back the lost courage.
"I was never this mean, cold or bitchy, hell I used to be welcoming to some people." "what changed?"
That was the first time Seb spoke sense he picked me up, his deep voice gave me the comfort I didn't know I needed.
"I changed I guess, my Mom died a few months ago, and, I don't even know why I'm telling you this but anyway she died, but you already knew that."
I was rambling trying to avoid having to talk to him even though he wasn't pushing anything. He was letting me come to him, letting me take the comfort and silence I needed.
"She didn't deserve to die you know, she did nothing wrong."
"she was the most amazing woman I ever knew. It makes me mad because it just really shows that the world doesn't give a shit about you or anyone, but I also know that her death was my fault."
Unshed tears blurred my vision but I was not going to cry, not here.
Seb took my hand and held it giving me silent support to keep going, his rings were cold to the touch but I relished in the feeling of them against my skin.
"Months before she died I met a lot of terrible people but at the time that was just me being a stupid teenager and lashing out on my parents, they couldn't keep control over me I was this monster they didn't know how to handle, I would rarely be at home and when I was I spent it fighting with my parents"
Flashbacks of the many nights spent arguing with my parents kept replaying In my mind.
"One night I snuck out and met some of my friends, I guess that they weren't my friends but they were the closest thing as friends and family I had at that point."
The sun was hidden as it had set hours ago, the moon took its place shining bright above us. My mom used to say when the sun shined bright it was her saying hello.
She never liked the nighttime, she said the darkness scared her. Not knowing what could be out there. I always loved the night over the day, the way the darkness covered everything creating a blanket over everything.
It was calming to me, the darkness was the only comfort I had, knowing that when it went away I would have to deal with all my undoings.
The pressure of Seb's hand in mine brought me back to where we were and I continued to speak through deep shaky breaths.
"We snuck out and met up with these people who I never met before, Seb these guys were criminals and murders but what I did that night, I never knew it would still live with me until I die."
"I sold my soul over to a gang."
"I guess I got high and drunk and everyone there was in the gang, after that night I woke up and I had a tattoo on my ankle, it was the gang symbol, I don't think I ever cried so hard in my entire life than I did when I woke up that morning."
There was an understanding surrounding us, it helped me to carry on with all I was trying to let go of.
"The thing about the gang is that you can never just leave, if you gave your soul to them it means that you're with them forever."
"So now instead of sneaking out every night to go get drunk I was going to gang meetings and doing work for them, I slowly started making my way up in ranking and after months of hard work I was the first commander for the gang, I know I shouldn't be proud of that but it was my life, the gang was my family."
Seb squeezed my hand in support, I didn't need to hear him speak just knowing that he was there was enough.
"I had all the power anyone could ever want, I was feared and hated. And I loved it."
"The thing was when this was all happening in my secret life my mom was diagnosed with Lung Cancer."
I could feel his muscles go rigid under my touch and I knew he wasn't expecting me to say anything remotely close to this.
"Seb, I didn't even know what was happening, her only child was out in the middle of the night and here she was fighting for her life, my mom was terminal after a few weeks, they found the Cancer too late, she tried to tell me but I was too wrapped up in my stupid world I never listened."
This was so hard for me to talk about but it also felt so good to get it off my chest, feeling all the guilt slowly come off of my shoulders and float away,
I knew it would be back but for now, I was free. A feeling I wish I knew more of.
"One night when I got home I walked into my room and my Mom was sitting on my bed she said that she just wanted to talk and that she needed me to listen, I was so stupid, I yelled at her to get out and leave me alone but she kept begging for me to listen but I never did,"
I took my hand out of Seb's and frowned at the loss of his touch, I put my hand in my jacket pocket feeling the familiar feeling of paper under my touch.
"what I did that night will haunt me forever, not listening to her, I'll never forgive myself for what I did to her, she left my room but gave me a letter and told me to read it when I wanted to, and with that she left, my last words to her was me yelling for her to get out."
I tried so hard to keep my tears at bay but as soon as I took out the letter my vision blurred over and I took a second to try and get myself back under control.
"A week passed and I finally decided to read the letter, I've kept the letter with me where ever I go, it was the last thing she touched, the last thing she thought about."
I pulled the letter out of my pocket and read it to Sebastian, I will never know what compelled me to tell him all of this but I'm so glad I did.
I opened my mouth and read out the letter that has only been seen by me and my mom.
"Fay,
my darling Faith if you are reading this it means I never got a chance to talk to you. Please fully read this letter and Fay I beg you please keep this. I know one day you may regret it if you threw it out.
Three months ago I was diagnosed with Lung Cancer, after two weeks your father and I found out I was terminal, we never got to it fast enough for the doctors to do anything, Faith I want you to know how sorry I am that I never tried harder to keep you home that I never tried harder to talk to you to see what was happening with you after Alison passed away, I will always regret not knowing what has been happening in your life.
When Ali died Faith I know it hit you harder than anyone could see, all I wish is that you don't blame yourself, you did everything for her and Ali knew that. When Ali left this world Faith you turned into another person.
You weren't my Faith anymore.
I lost you to pain and anger, I wish I was a better mother to you, I wish I could have done something for you but all I did was watch as my daughter let herself go.
I do know however that Faith you are involved in some very bad things and bad people, I just want to keep you safe that is all your father and I have ever wanted. Faith something happened to you a few months ago after Ali died that I never knew of and for that reason,
I will always regret what I have done in my life as your mother, all I wanted was to see my Faith happy again but I never did, I never reached out enough to talk to you,
Faith please forgive me, I am not here now but I want you to know that I'm here more than ever before, I will always be with you.
In life Faith, you will go through many obstacles but those obstacles are making you stronger, building you up for the real world.
I know how strong of a woman you have become without anyone's help and I know that you think no one will ever be there for you but Faith someday there will be I promise.
You don't need to live your life in pain and guilt, I know you Faith and I know how much you are punishing yourself. Faith baby your seventeen, you should never have had to deal with so much guilt and loss.
But sometimes the world chooses people in their weakest state to pick on, Faith all I want you to understand is that you are not alone, all the people you have pushed away are still there, I promise.
I want you to live your life with your head held high and no regrets, never look back because that is when you start to doubt yourself, Faith my darling I want you to live the life that I never did. Please don't regret what you have done these past few months because if you do you will never leave that mindset.
Your father and I love you we always have, I know that the last few months we have been nothing close to a family but Faith don't blame yourself for what has happened to me or to Alison you have always done everything you could,
even more. You let yourself suffer just so other people could smile. I wish I could have taken away all of the pain from Ali's death but I just added to it, I wish I could have left this life knowing I was a better mother but sometimes things don't work out.
Everything in life happens for a reason and I truly believe that something good will come out of the darkness. Faith I know that you are in a gang and I know that the position you have now is impeccable but Faith I ask one thing of you, please leave the gang, leave the dangerous lifestyle, your father is moving to a small town just a few hours away, it is where I grew up.
Grandma and Grandpa would be so proud of you if they were still here, my baby girl. My love. Faith you were always my light, right from the start I was scared but then you smiled. You showed the world a beautiful smile and all the fear washed away.
All I want is for the world to see your smile once again, I want your dad to know that it will be ok without me.
Please go with him to start a new life find people who make you happy, find someone who will bring back my Faith because our life has been so dark without you. Faith darling I love you so much always remember that, but please do what I ask of you.
I love you, Mom."
One tear fell. And I hated it, I hated knowing that Seb was seeing me like this, in this vulnerable state.
"Faith you don't have to tell me everything, I will always be here to listen but right now you don't have to finish."
"I was really happy Seb once I was really happy and then my best friend killed herself, her name was Alison I've known her since we were born, it was always me and her against the world, she was my best friend."
Seb took the letter from my hold and gently folding it hiding the words my mother wrote out, I wanted to thank him but the words wouldn't come out.
He handed the letter back to me and slipped his hand back into mine filling my body with his comfort.
"I never noticed Seb, I never saw what she was doing to herself. Then she left and that was when everything started to happen, something in me clicked." A shiver went up my spine at all the bad and painful memories filling my mind.
"Ali always used to say this one line, 'If the world turns its back on you, you turn your back on the world', so that's what I did I turned my back on everyone, Ali used to say that all the time."
"It's from the Lion King."
Seb said and I nodded my head smiling up at him, my heart filled with admiration at the fact that he knew that.
I smiled at the memory of Ally and I biking around town singing and screaming without a care in the world it was all different back then, life was simpler and more enjoyable.
"I spoke to my Dad after I read the letter and he just looked at me with so much pain in his eyes I knew then and there what I did to both of my parents, how much I put them through it all needed to stop."
My breath was steady as I held onto the devil not letting go.
"I cut all ties with my friends and by the time I got to the gang they heard about her death, I think most of them felt bad for me because they let me leave with some exceptions, and then I moved here to try and forget about everything."
I felt ok. that's all I could makeup, just the feeling of being ok. Maybe it was because I had just felt this weight being lifted off of my shoulders or maybe it was the devil sitting beside me holding onto my hand.
Our hands fit together like they were made for each other and I scolded myself for letting that thought cross my mind.
"My Dad and I will never be the same but I'm trying really hard, I don't think he will ever trust me though. Sorry, you had to listen to all of tha--"
He cut me off making sure I was listening to his unspoken words.
"Faith thank you for telling me, thank you for trusting me, you have gone through what no one at the age of 17 should ever have to experience but I can see it in your eyes that you have so much more fight in you."
Seb looked down at me and smiled, his green eyes telling me so much more than he spoke. Our body heat was shared between the two devils and we laid down on the hood of his jeep ignoring the sky,
looking into only each other's eyes, giving each other everything we had and more. it was just me and him against the world.
"Your just an unbloomed flower that needs the sun."
He stood up and reached out his hands, I grabbed them and he pulled me up and threw me into his arms in a hug, my arms automatically wrapped and his neck and his arms went around my waist shielding me from the world.
I smiled through the tears,
smiled through the pain,
I smiled because for once I saw through the darkness, I smiled because I saw that I had someone to catch me as I fell.
_______________
*Unedited
Word Count- 2910
Ok so I really hope that cleared everything up about Faith's backstory, she has been through so much and I love how she is slowly starting to let someone in. I just want to make sure this is clear to anyone who may need to hear it, crying does not make you a weak person, it makes you stronger because you are letting all the pain go and you are able to admit to yourself that sometimes it's ok to be in pain and not perfectly fine. We all are going through something and sometimes crying helps wash the pain away. Every single one of you are extremely strong and powerful individuals and I'm so happy to be able to communicate to you through this story. I will always be here for you if you need me to be.
I love you all.
Sab <3