Curled up into a ball, you realise how small the world really is. Or, it could be like a vast expanse, a new, long journey that makes you who you are. Without the world, life is nothing. You hear of people travelling the world all the time. To see the sights, the beauties, to live a little. One day, I want to travel the world too. If I will have a companion, I don't know. All I know, is that I want to be an explorer, see all there is to see, and most inportantly; find myself. What good is it to be in this world, if you cannot be who you were born to be? Once, I heard Bella talk about how she was born to be a vampire...for me, I'm not so sure. But I know that I have to be strong, and get through this. If not for me, for the people I care about. Like I said, maybe I was born to live forever, and see everything life has to offer, and vampirism was the only way down that path. Either way, I have to live; I have to keep my existance, and a break-up cannot jepordize that. Yes, even though I'm young, and our relationship was short, I was in love with Demetri. I cannot change that. And yes, some piece of my heart, some large piece, is in love with Josh. However, in order to keep him safe, and let him live a normal, happy life, I have to let him go. Break our bonds, sever our embrace, and forget. I know it will crush me, and I will dwell and grieve for as long as my heart needs. But it's needed. And I have to do this. I can't let him die. And by letting him become like me, is just another form of death. When this happened to me, and I saw through a crimson lense, I felt in some ways like I had died, and love was the only thing that brought me back to life, even if it was only for a little while. Now, I had the love of a family, and that is enough to keep me going.
Something clicked in my mind when I thought too much, I should have been writing all of this in my journal. But...my mind felt like a safer place to hide away all my emotion-filled thoughts. And to be honest, I didn't trust the people in this house enough to not look in my little book to keep me sane. I mean, it's not like if I don't write in it, I will start talking to myself. But, when I think about it, I'm kinda talking to myself now...strange. I need to speak in my mind before I speak out-loud, because I could end up saying something that will end up with my decapitation. Which, would be really bad for me.
I released my arms from around my knees, and stretched my legs out on the white leather sofa which resided by the window. I now claimed this sofa as my thinking place. Where all my thoughts will be safe. Taking a shower didn't have the same appeal as it used to, but, it was still needed, as was some pampering. Painted fingernails and toes, curled hair, and organizing my new wardrobe to suit me. It seemed like something every normal girl does, so, it's appealing.
Okay...it's not. At all. But, yesterday, Alice told me that making yourself look nice, is a key to making yourself feel good. How in the world that was true, I don't know, but if I don't follow someone's advice, it might make me seem ungreatful. And I didn't want that.
I was in my closet, trying to reach for a too high shoebox, when Rosalie appeared behind me.
"Need some help with that?" She smiled, and it was genuine.
"Please." I moved out of the way, and she leaped gracefully a few feet into the air, grabbed the shoebox, and landed flat on her feet. I stared at her, mouth agape. She laughed, a beautiful, melodic sound, and reached over to shut my mouth.
"It's all about balance. And practise." She handed me the box. "You'll get used to it."
Grinning, I replied, "I doubt it. Have you seen me hunt?"
"There not been one time when you haven't returned with blood on your clothes." At the word 'blood', I grimaced and looked down. Rosalie gently clasped my chin, and raised my face so my eyes met hers. "At least it's not human's."
"Yeah. I guess that's a plus..." I sighed.
"Don't let it get you down." I put away the box, and sat on the couch, Rosalie following. "Anyway, what's the occasion?"
"Huh?"
"You're all pampered up." She stated.
"Nothing special, just following Alice's...orders, I suppose. I guess I'm just gonna sit around all day."
"Well, I don't think that's an option." When I was about to ask her what she meant, she spoke, "Your eyes are very dark."
At first, I didn't know what she meant, and then I remembered the fact that vampire's eyes darkened in colour when they became thirsty. "Oh, I better change clothes."
"Do you want me to come with you?" I thought about it, but I didn't want to waste Rosalie's time.
"I think I'll be alright. If I come back with blood on my clothes, then maybe you can come next time?"
"That'll be fun." She smiled, and left to make Renesmee's lunch.
After changing into a plain black tee-shirt and jeans, along with some old trainers, I went downstairs, to see how everyone was, before I left. However, when I got down there, only Rosalie and Renesmee were in sight.
"Where is everyone?" I asked Rose.
"They went into town for a break."
"And Josh?" I questioned.
"Seems so," She shrugged. "Are you leaving now?"
"I need to get it over with."
"Where are you going Momma Bear?" Renesmee asked me.
"I'm going for a hunt, and I want you to be good for Aunt Rose, Ok?"
"Ok," She paused. "But can't I come with you?"
"Momma Bear wants to see if she can be more careful, Nes." Rosalie answered for me.
I smiled at her in thanks, and walked out the door.
***
Taking a deep breath, I scanned the forest carefully for any signs of movement; however there was nothing. Not ready to give up so quickly, I slowly stalked forwards, and advanced towards the scent of a trail. There was day-old footprints in the mud, which, to a human, would not be visable. I followed them, and stepped carefully, making sure not to make any noise. The scent was becoming stronger, and so was the sound of breathing. I was close. I moved quicker, until I rested behind a small bush. A deer was right in-front of me, breathing softly, eyes looking straight, jaws slowly devouring a part of the bush. I waited until the deer was alone, too busy eating to notice it's group wandering away. I finally let the last part of my hunter's instinct take over, and pounced. I clasped the animal tightly, and stopped it from moving with my restricting grasp. My lips found a pulse of it's furry neck, and I bit, deep. The deer whined and struggled, the cruel venom entering it's system. Blood flowed from the wound, and quickly glided down my throat. I gulped quickly and swiftly, so this could be done with.
A twig snapped in the distance, but I didn't budge, I couldn't move from my feast. I took a sniff, and instantly recognised the scent. Human. However, the urge to quench my fill was too strong, and my hunter told me to deal with the human later. As I knew I would, I obeyed, and drenched the deer dry. I didn't need to snap it's neck to stop any change because the deer was now already dead. I took a breath, and realised the human was closer, alot closer. To stop me from attacking, I took strong breaths in and out, to let the hunter go. I didn't want to hurt the human, no matter how strong the urge was.
When the temptation finally subsided, I turned to face the human, who was now standing a few meters behind me, shock and disgust covering their face. In my recent hunt, I hadn't spilled any blood, but I had shown the only person who really loved me the monster I truly was.
***
Josh stared at me, his mouth hung open. I wanted to run, I wanted to bury myself in a deep, dark hole. How could I have been so stupid? I'd let a human, let alone Josh, see a vampire. Reasoning with myself, and ready to reason with him, I slowly walked towards him, arms held out like you would to calm an animal. I stopped a few feet away, and luckily, he hadn't moved. However, his expression was not longer of someone scared and repulsed, it was of someone who was broken, and filled with blind rage.
"What the hell was that, Liz?" His voice rose with anger and disbelief.
"I...it's not what you think."
"Then what the hell was it?"
"I can't...tell you." I shook my head. "If I do, they'll kill you."
"Who? Them Volturi people?"
"I-how do you know about them?" We were speaking in tones just less of shouting.
"You were speaking about them yesterday, with Alice."
"I..." I knew what needed to be done, mind control. "You will forget everything you just saw; anything that involved me this morning. You will wait in the house for me, so I can talk to you."
He didn't even blink. "No! Why the hell would I do that?" He shouted.
How? I don't believe it. How did it not work? My mind control...was gone. No. Impossible. I don't even-
"Why would I do that?"
I didn't know what to do. I felt like falling. "Mind control. It should have worked."
"M-mind control?" He shook his head. "What do you mean?"
"I...do you want to know the truth? Do you think you can take it?"
"I just want to know the truth for once."
"I killed that deer, because I needed to to survive," He tried to speak, but I stopped him. "Just listen." He nodded. "I need blood to survive."
"Wha-"
"Listen. When I left Forks, I went to my uncle, and then straight to Bella, to confront her. You know why. We had a few arguments, Jake made me calm down-you met Jacob a couple of days ago-and Edward spoke about reading minds and showing thoughts. I feinted, but finally let them show me what they meant. I found out about what Bella has been through since I left, and I found out that Jacob and his friends are...shapeshifters, that can turn into wolves. And that the Cullens, and Bella, are...vampires.
I ran away, and got taken by Demetri, who said it was one of them, or me, to join the Volturi. I volenteered, and was taken. I learned all about their rules, and then, I became...a vampire." Josh was close to tears, and I didn't know what they meant. "I found I had mind control, became involved with Demetri, and finally escaped. I said goodbye to everyone here, and left for a year, I lost control, killed humans. Demetri saved me, brought me back to Forks, the Cullens said they would help me, and then you turned up." I took a breath, and met his eyes.
Josh grabbed me, and pulled me into a hug. He grasped me tightly, like he didn't want to let me go. "So...you're a vampire?" I nodded. "I can deal with that," He pushed back to look at me. "Because I love you."
"How touching." Me and Josh both jumped, at the new voice, and turned to it's source. "What's the matter, couldn't make him forget?"
"Alec." I growled. "How did you know?"
"I believe that's my doing." I went to lunge, but his words stopped me. "You don't want me to use my ability, do you?"
I froze, and shook my head. "What do you want?"
"With Demetri out of the picture, now I just need to get rid of the wolf boy, and this...human."
I wouldn't let him hurt Josh. I stood in front of Josh, and went to charge at Alec. But he cut off my vision, and I heard a cry. By the time my sight had regained, Alec was meters away, and Josh wasn't behind me. He was on the floor, blood pouring from a large gash on his neck. I ran to him, and crouched, pulling him onto my lap.
"Josh?"
He spluttered blood. "Mmhmm..."
"Oh god," The blood was drawing me in, but I resisted, and pressed my hand against the wound. His heartbeat was decreasing. "You'll...you'll be Ok."
"No...I...won't." He tried to smile, but it turned into a grimace, as his pain increased. My heart was breaking, I couldn't let him die!
"What do you need? What shall I do?"
"There's nothing..." He paused. "Unless..."
"What?" I asked urgently.
"Can you...do it?"
"What?"
"Save me. Make me...like you."
I froze. Josh was dying, it was obvious. But to let him become like me, was death itself.
"No. I can't. I don't want that for you."
"I...do."
"You don't, trust me."
"I'll do anything, to be with you...forever." I clutched him tighter.
"I...CARLISLE!" I called. Only he could be trusted. He was by my side in an instant, concern in his eyes.
"Do you want it, Josh?"
"Yes..."
"Elizabeth?" Josh's breathing was slow, too slow.
"I..." Josh jerked, his eyes closing, his limbs becoming limp. "Quick."
Carlisle lowered his lips to Josh's neck, as he whispered, "I love you, Liz. Always." He took his last breath.
My unbeating heart stopped, and I clutched Josh to my chest. "Josh?" No answer. No movement. "Josh! Please! Wake up! You can't die!" I turned urgently to Carlisle, "Save him! BRING HIM BACK!"
"I can't do-"
"No! No, no, no, no, no!" I looked at his lifeless form. "No..." My tone barely a whisper. "Josh, please, I love you..."
He didn't move. His body limp in my arms. Eyes closed, body becoming cold, lips parted. It was all my fault, my Josh, my love...he was...gone. I swung back and forth. An agonised scream left my lips, and Carlisle tryed to pry me from Josh. I refused to let him go. I screamed again, and again, no knowing what to do. I heard the others' footsteps, and I lifted Josh, and ran. Ran through the woods. Past the old treaty mark. Onto the beach in La-Push, Josh's body still in my tight grasp. I placed him gently, unwillingly, and started to dig, form a hole. It took all of my strength I had left, and all of my will, to place Josh into the hole. I kissed his lips, each of his eyelids, and clasped his hands onto his stomach. The hole filled in, taking his body into the ground. Multi-coloured rocks I placed.
I fell to the floor, and rocked back and forth. I crawled to the water. And floated, wishing I could drown. Washing away Josh's blood. His life. I'd spilled blood today, not matter how much I said I didn't.
Uncontrolable sobs racked through my body, I swallowed and gulped, spluttered sea water, and waited until I would sink.
I don't know who pulled me out of the water. They had a warm grasp. But I was too broken, too shaken to respond. Josh was dead. As was I.