No. That was all Renée's father said when I asked to go outside the estate walls. A very clear-cut and blunt answer. He sent me out of his office right after, and that was that.
But I wasn't going to back down. I asked again... and again... and again... getting the same answer each time. He won't listen to me whenever I bring up the topic, and it's aggravating.
A couple of days passed, and I continued my usual routine, but a bitter feeling rooted inside me. Why? Why won't he let me go outside the walls? What's making him push me away like this?
"Lady Renée." Maryanne taps my shoulder.
I blink before looking at her. "What's up?"
"What's up?" She looks confused. "What might that mean?"
I nervously chuckle. "I mean... why did you tap my shoulder?"
"I've been attempting to get your attention for a short while. It's time for your family dinner."
I glance at the windows and see the sky darkening. "What time is it?"
"Just past eight."
"Is it really?"
She nods. "Yes."
I jump off the love seat and quickly grab my belongings. "I'm late!" I say as I rush towards the library stairs.
"There's no hurry, Lady Renée." Maryanne follows behind me, struggling to keep up.
"I can't keep them waiting for me." I reach the second floor landing and dash down the next staircase.
"They will understand if you're late."
"But I still can't keep them..." My voice trails off as I see Nigel walk into the library. He looks at the staircase to see me running down the steps.
"Renée! There's no need to rush!" His eyes are full of concern. The librarian turns and aggressively shushes him. Nigel glances over and awkwardly smiles. "My apologies."
I reach the main floor and approach him. "Shouldn't you be in the dining room for dinner?"
"Mother and father sent me to search for you since you were late, but I never expected to find you here." He looks around the library.
"I apologize for being late."
"It's nothing to worry about. But let me escort you there." He holds his arm out for me to take.
I look back at Maryanne. "Please take these back to my room for me." I pass her my notebook and floor plan. "And have a good dinner."
"Thank you, Lady Renée." She smiles before leaving us.
I grab Nigel's arm. "Shall we?"
"Of course." He chuckles as we walk out into the hall. "I'm still surprised seeing you in the library."
"Is it that surprising to see me there?"
"You rarely spent any time in the library, and now I hear that you've spent nearly two weeks reading in the room you disliked. It's a little out of character."
"Is it?"
"Yes. You've changed since you recovered from you fever, especially your personality."
I chuckle nervously. "Really?"
"But I believe it's good."
I glance at him. "What is my personality?"
He gives me a funny look before smiling. "That's a tough question to answer."
"Because you're not sure, or you don't want to hurt my feelings?"
"I would say both."
"If you could describe me in one word, what would it be?"
"In one word?"
"That's all."
He thinks for a moment. "Kind?"
"Was that a question?"
"Well, you're kind, but you're also quite strict. You use your strictness to teach people right from wrong," he says with a smile. "If I'm being honest, I feel as if you've become more sociable as well. I can see how close you've become with Maryanne."
A small smile covers my face. "Well, she reminds me of someone."
"Who might that be?"
"Someone who wouldn't know even if I told you."
"I see."
"But thank you for the compliments, Nigel."
"It's nothing." He pushes the door to the dining room open. As we step in, I notice Renée's mother and father sitting at the table in conversation.
They look towards us when they hear the door. "I see you found Renée." Her mother smiles as Nigel leads me to the chair beside her.
"She was fairly difficult to find," Nigel says as he pulls out the chair. I take a seat and let him push it back in.
"Was she?" Renée's father nods as Nigel rounds the table to his seat across from me.
"I was searching all over the estate for you since you were late."
"Sorry about that," I say. They all give me funny looks, and I awkwardly look away in response.
Renée's father motions to the staff, and they place a soup in front of us. "I heard from Fredrich that you've been taking many of your meals in the library."
"I've heard that as well." Renée's mother nods. "What might be the reason you're spending quite a bit of time there?"
"I've decided to expand... my horizons." I take my spoon and begin eating along with everyone else.
"And what brought this about?" Renée's father asks.
"I... had a realization that... I'm not aware of the world I live in."
"And what have you been learning?"
I nervously smile. "The history of the Kingdom and province."
He stops, as if he's connecting a couple of dots in his head. "The history of the Kingdom and province?"
"That sounds very informative." Renée's mother smiles as she sets her spoon on the table. As usual, she's left most of the food behind.
"I didn't know you were reading up on those topics." Nigel also sets his spoon down, leaving some of his soup behind as well.
I nod as I empty my entire bowl. "Although it isn't my favourite thing to read, it's the best place to build a foundation."
"A foundation for what?" Renée's father asks.
Seems like now might be a good time to ask him. "A foundation for—"
"Oh my! This looks delicious!" Renée's mother states as plates of steak are placed in front of us.
"You were saying, Renée?" Renée's father asks as he cuts into his steak.
Her mother looks at me. "My apologies for interrupting you."
"Don't worry about it." I wave my hand through the air.
"Please continue," Renée's father says.
I look around the room. Renée's family is happily enjoying dinner. Her father, in particular, looks very relaxed compared to the last few times I've talked to him. Maybe this would be a good time to get his permission. "Well, I want to ask something."
"What might that be?"
I take a deep breath. "I would like to go outside the estate walls."
There's a loud clattering sound seconds later. I glance down to see a fork lying on the floor beside Renée's mother's feet. She's frozen for a moment, her eyes wide, before motioning for a clean fork. Nigel looks at me in shock while Renée's father lowers his utensils to the table.
"No," he says without an ounce of hesitation.
"I've realized that what I've read in the library can't paint the entire picture for me. That's why I need to go outside the estate, to see and understand the things that I've read."
"There's no need. I am not averse to you learning, but I would rather you continue to read in the library. We could bring in a tutor if that's not enough for—"
"I need to see it with my own eyes. A tutor would only repeat what I've already read. It wouldn't be helpful."
"Renée." His tone becomes stern as he looks at me. "Let's not talk about this at the dinner table."
"And when would be a good time to talk, since you've brushed me aside every single time I asked you this in the past few days."
"At a later time."
"And when is that?"
"Soon."
I sigh. "That's the same answer you gave me yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that. It's as if you're trying to avoid the subject." My tone gets sharp, and I notice Renée's mother and Nigel anxiously looking between us. "Why do you keep avoiding it?"
"I don't need to explain myself."
"I think you do," I state.
"Renée, you only need to stay within the walls as you always have, where it's safe and you're protected."
"And remain sheltered, unaware of everything going on outside, for my entire life? I'm asking you politely for this, and you keep pushing me aside. How long will I have to put up with this?"
"Until I decide you're allowed to, when I decide it's safe," he states.
I ball my hands, my nails digging into the palms of my hands. "Do you think that's what's best for me?"
"Yes. I believe that."
Anger boils in my veins. "No."
"Renée?" her mother asks me.
"You have no right to decide that for me!" My chair screeches on the floor as I jump up.
"Renée, settle down."
"No! I won't settle down! Not when you're belittling me like this!"
He narrows his eyes "I do not appreciate your tone."
"And I don't appreciate your beliefs or attitude!"
"Renée, that is enough."
I stare in disbelief. He ignored me, right until things weren't going the way he thought they should, and then he tried to shut it down.
I shove my chair and walk to the door.
"Where are you going?" Renée's father asks.
"I don't have an appetite anymore." I look back and glare at him as I try to contain the fury burning inside of me. "I'm going to bed."
"Renée!"
"Everyone, have a good evening." I step out into the hall and slam the door shut. The halls echo as I dash up the stairs towards Renée's room.
Is this how she lived her life? Sheltered and coddled by her family? Did she ever retaliate against it? It doesn't seem like it. Was she ever given the ability to choose what she wanted, or was she told she was going to live a certain way her entire life? What a crappy situation. But at least she's cared for in some form.
I push the doors to Renée's room open. Maryanne jumps when she hears the doors slam against the wall. "Lady Renée! I thought you went to dinner! Why are you back so early?!" she shouts as I march in.
"Where's the floor plan of the estate?!"
She rushes to the desk and brings it to me. "Here."
"Thank you." I take the plan and spread it out on the coffee table, scouring the page with my eyes again.
"Did something happen during dinner?" she asks.
"Something extremely unpleasant happened."
"It was unpleasant for mother and me to watch as well." Someone says as they knock on the door. I glance over to see Nigel standing under the door frame. "Can I come in?"
"Be my guest," I say in a sharp tone before returning to the floor plan.
Nigel approaches me. "Why are you looking at a floor plan of the estate?"
"I'm looking for a way out."
"You're searching for what?!"
"You heard me."
"Lady Renée!" Maryanne shouts.
"You want to—!"
I quickly cover Nigel's mouth with my hands and glare. "Do. Not. Shout."
He stares at me before slowly nodding.
I lower my hand and sigh. "Maryanne, close the door."
"Yes!" She scrambles over and closes the door. I listen for it to click shut.
"Did you not hear what father said?! No! He said no!" Nigel says the moment the door is closed.
"I was there, Nigel. I heard every word he said."
"And you still plan on ignoring his words?!"
"If you were in my situation, what would you do?" I ask. He opens his mouth for a second before closing it. "See? You don't understand, do you?" I pause for a second. "I'm not going to wait for his permission after talking numerous times. I'm going to leave the estate, and that's why I'm looking for a way out without being obvious."
"And what if something happens if you're out there all alone?! Surely you don't think you can go by yourself and remain safe!"
He has a point. All I know about this world has come from reading books. I know nothing about what actually goes on out there, or where I'm even going. There's absolutely no way I'd be able to get back on my own, but there is one way. "I won't be going alone, then."
"And who will go with you?!"
I point to him. "You."
Nigel's eyes widen. "You're not serious?!"
"Things wouldn't go well if I go by myself, and I can't exactly leave you here when you already know my plans. Plus, you're pretty go with a sword. It kills two birds with one stone." I shrug.
"It kills two birds with one...?" He stares at me for a moment before shaking his head. "No! I will not be joining you!"
"You either come with me and be my accomplice, or you stay here and worry about me while I'm outside the walls. Even if you tell anyone about this, I'll find a way out, because I'm leaving the estate."
He stares at me in silence before sighing. "You are aware we'll be in trouble for doing this."
"Only if we get caught," I state.
"You seem confident we won't."
"I have to be."
A slight smile forms on his face. "Alright. I'll go. Hopefully father will be a little lenient with us if he knows I was there to protect you."
"You think we're going to get caught?"
"I plan for the worst."
"I see." I glance towards Maryanne. "And I guess you'll have to join us as well, seeing as you heard us talk about this."
Her face pales. "Lady Renée..."
"Now, the only issue is how we're getting out of here." I look back at the floor plan and stare at the locations of the gates. Knights will be guarding both the north and south gates. There has to be another way out that won't bring too much attention to us, one that won't be heavily guarded, and where we won't get caught.
And then I remember that little inconsistency on the plan that I noticed on the floor plan a few days ago. A slight smirk forms on my lips.
"It seems like you have an idea," Nigel says.
"I do." I chuckle.
Renée's father can try to keep me inside the estate, but I have no intention of listening to him, even if he is the father of this body. Follow my heart and be happy. I have my own will and my own life.
No matter what he says, I will get out.