Chapter 24
Move On
Mama was right. Children shouldn't suffer from their parents' sins. Though I had to understand that in the hard way.
I remember how I kept on telling myself not to make another decision that I'll regret again. Pero tuwing naaalala ko ang mga naging desisyon ko nitong mga nakaraang araw, wala akong maramdaman kundi puro pagsisisi.
I knew whatever I was feeling, it wasn't a normal headache nor just a cramps. I already had a hunch what it was, pero mas pinili kong papaniwalain ang sarili ko na masama lang ang pakiramdam ko sa takot na baka totoo nga ang hinala ko.
I didn't realize back then, that by trying to avoid the truth, I was doing something I will regret, maybe, for the rest of my life.
I was pregnant.
But before I could even fully accept that I was, I lost my baby.
Wala ako sa sarili habang kinakausap ng doktor. Philip and some of Tito David's men took me to the hospital after what happened earlier at school. I fainted on the way here, nang magising ako, narito na si Mama at kinakausap ang doktor tungkol sa nangyari sa akin.
At first, I thought, she was giving me a weary look because she was disappointed with me. After all, I haven't finished college yet. Ni hindi ko pa nga alam kung ano ang gagawin ko pagkatapos ko ng kolehiyo. Papa is still recovering. At sariwa pa sa alaala ng lahat ang nangyari sa opening ng bagong branch ng FAAD. Ngayon, dadagdag pa ako.
But when the doctor broke the news, I forgot about all of it. All I could think of is the growing shallow feeling inside my stomach, as if something was missing.
It felt weird. I was afraid. There were even times when I wished I wasn't pregnant, especially on the times when I was throwing up so bad. Pero ngayon, parang nalaglag ang puso ko sa nalaman.
Tears stung my eyes. Bago pa ito tuluyang bumagsak, nakalapit na sa akin si Mama at niyakap ako ng mahigpit.
"I'm sorry. I should've noticed... I'm sorry..." paulit-ulit na bulong sa akin ni Mama habang hinahagod ang aking likuran.
Hindi ko alam kung gaano kami katagal na ganoon. Ang alam ko lang ay patuloy sa pagbuhos ang luha sa aking mga mata. Ni hindi ko na namalayan na nakatulog na ako. When I woke up, our other relatives are there.
"How are you feeling?" si Tita Kuja na agad akong nilapitan nang makita akong dumilat.
Marahan akong tumango. Mapait siyang ngumiti at hinagod ang aking buhok.
Wala sa kanila ang nagtanong sa akin ng kahit na ano tungkol sa nangyari. Even Lolo didn't ask me anything about it when he visited later that day. Pero sa pananahimik ni Mama at sa uri nang pagtingin nila sa kaniya, tila ba may alam na sila and they're blaming her for it.
There were times when I thought it didn't really happen, lalo na nang makauwi na ako sa bahay. Pero tuwing gabi, palagi akong binibisita ng alaala nang nangyari no'ng araw na iyon. Sometimes I get nightmares, seeing blood rolling down my thighs just like that day.
Malalalim ang hininga, mabilis akong umahon mula sa pagkakahiga. Beads of cold sweat rolled down on the side of my face. I turned to the bedside table. Alas dos na ng madaling araw. Pumikit ako ng mariin at hinilot ang aking sentido.
Bumuntong hininga ako at nagpasiyang bumangon upang kumuha ng maiinom. Nasa kalagitnaan na ako ng hagdan nang may marinig akong humihikbi.
I took another step and craned my neck a little to peek at the living room. There I saw Mama, sitting alone in our spacious living room, crying with her head down and fingers intertwined.
Tuwing gabi, palagi ko siyang naririnig na umiiyak. There were times when I would cry all night, not just because of the nightmares I kept on having, mas madalas, umiiyak ako para kay Mama. I knew Lolo is blaming her again for what happened to me. I cried more, realizing, at some point, I also blamed her for what's happening to me. May pagkakataon na sinasabi ko sa sarili ko na, kundi lang ginawa ni Mama ang mga inaakusa sa kaniya ni Lolo noon, hindi sana ito nangyayari sa akin ngayon. And I feel so guilty for thinking that way.
Nang makauwi si Papa, akala ko mas magiging maayos na si Mama. Pero hindi. Every night, instead of hearing Mama's quiet sobs, I would hear them fighting.
Gaya ng mga nakaraang gabi, I was having a hard time sleeping that night. Pababa na ako upang kumuha ng maiinom nang marinig ko ang pagtatalo ng aking mga magulang. I stopped my tracks and listened with a heavy heart.
"This is why I don't like him courting our daughter. You should've listened to me, hindi 'yong kinunsinti mo pa," si Papa.
"Anong gusto mong gawin ko, kung gano'n? Pigilan ko? Come on, Rhy! Ilang taon na si Yuri! Ayoko namang masyado siyang paghigpitan at lalayo lang ang loob niya sa atin!" nanginginig ang boses ni Mama, tila maiiyak na.
"Yeah, now look what happened to her? O alam mo ang tungkol sa kanila at tinago mo sa akin?"
"Wala akong alam! Walang sinasabi sa 'kin si Yuri!" I heard Mama's deep and weary sigh. "What? Are you blaming me too? Ganoon ba?!"
"You should have checked his family background. He's studying at your school, paanong hindi mo nalaman na anak siya ni Anya?"
"Do you really expect me to know every student, Rhy? Ilang libo ang estudyanteng nag-aaral doon! If you were really worried, bakit hindi ikaw ang nag-check tungkol sa kaniya? Hindi ba diyan naman magaling ang pamilya n'yo?" may halong panunumbat na sinabi ni Mama.
"What?!"
Hindi na nakayanan, I went back to my room bago pa lumala ang pag-aaway nila. I covered myself using my comforter and cried. Mas lalong bumuhos ang mga luha nang hanggang sa kuwarto ay naririnig ko na ang pagtatalo nila sa baba.
Looking back, I think I cried more for what's happening with my family than for losing my baby. Pakiramdam ko kasi, kapag ipinakita ko pa sa kanilang malungkot ako, mas lalo lang lalala ang situwasyon.
Sometimes I feel too frustrated with everything that's going on. Gusto kong magalit. Madalas ay kay Aedion ko binubunton ang galit ko. It just feels unfair. Habang mag-isa akong nagluluksa rito, at nagkakagulo ang pamilya, naroon naman siya sa malayong lugar, namumuhay ng tahimik kasama si Octavia at ang magiging anak nila.
But then, after cursing him and blaming everything to him for hours, I would stop cuz I know, kung mayroon man dapat sisihin sa mga nangyayari ngayon, ako iyon. I knew he was planning something against my family, pero ginusto ko pa rin na may mangyari sa amin no'ng araw na 'yon sa pag-iisip na mababago no'n ang isip niya.
Alam ko rin na maaaring buntis nga ako, pero mas pinili kong baliwalain 'yon. Hindi lang dahil sa natatakot ako, I admit, the other reason why I don't want to accept that I'm pregnant was because of Aedion. I was mad at him and I just can't accept that I might be pregnant with his child.
Now I realize, no matter how much I hated Aedion, hinding-hindi ko makukuhang magalit sa anak namin. Aedion might have tricked me, but our baby has nothing to do with it.
Pero huli na ang lahat. Kinuha na siya sa akin at kasalanan kong lahat 'yon.
Naging mabagal ang mga sumunod na araw. Hindi man nila pinapahalata, alam kong hindi maayos ang relasyon ngayon ng mga magulang ko. Papa is working with Tito David. He wants to keep on watching Aedion. Si Mama nama'y naging abala sa nalalapit na graduation, sa kabila noon, palagi niya pa rin akong chine-check.
I was home-schooled for the remaining weeks of my last year in college. Hindi alam ng ibang estudyante ang tungkol sa nangyari sa akin bukod kay Philip. So, everyone assumed it was for my security. Kahit na ang totoo'y ayoko nang bumalik sa paaralan, for I'll remember what happened that day.
I wanted to go on a vacation, or just to go somewhere else, 'yong ako lang mag-isa. I feel like I can't mourn freely when I'm with my family. Because every time I show them how sad I was for what happened, parang lumalala lang ang away nila.
Ngunit maging iyon ay hindi ko magawa. Mama won't let me go anywhere on my own. Lalong-lalo na si Papa. If I go somewhere, ilang bodyguards ang ipapasama sa akin at nasisiguro kong lahat ng gagawin ko ay ire-report nila kay Papa.
So, instead of trying to find a way to be alone, the next days I tried hard to go back to normal. I pushed myself to move on faster from what happened, dahil iyon ang nakikita kong paraan para maayos ang anomang gusot na mayroon ang pamilya ko matapos ang nangyari sa 'kin.
Not knowing what path to take, sumama ako kanila Lolo at sinubukan ang trabahong inaalok niya sa akin sa isa sa kaniyang kompanya.
I was having a hard time coping with everything, but I tried. Ngunit 'di nagtagal, na-realize ko na hindi ako para sa ganitong trabaho. Kung hindi ako pumapalpak, nagiging pabigat ako sa mga kasama ko sa team na pinaglagyan sa akin.
"Hmm,"
I raised a brow as I watched Clarissa check me out with her arms crossed. Tanging ingay na likha ng mataas niyang takong ang naghari sa aking pandinig nang ikutan niya ako.
She smirked as she scanned my body. My eyes narrowed. Clarissa came here with her father for some meeting. We haven't seen each other since the incident last year, kaya nang makita niya ako'y agad siyang nagyaya na kumain sa labas para makapag-usap kami. We aren't really friendly with each other before. Nakilala ko lang siya, bukod sa anak siya ng isa sa mga shareholder ng kompanya ni Lolo, she's also into Kuya Eliron before.
I guess this is how it goes in the corporate world. You don't need to be friends with someone to talk to them about things.
"What?" naiinip, 'di ko na napigilan ang magtanong.
We're on our way back to the office when she suddenly made me stop in the middle of the corridor. May iilang empleyado ang napapatingin sa amin dahil iniikutan niya ako. I sighed and turned my heel. Narinig ko siyang umangal sa pagkilos ko pero nagpatuloy ako at lumapit na sa elevator. Clarissa stood next to me.
"Why don't you try modeling?" she said.
I smiled a little and shook my head. When the elevator slides open, I stepped inside. Sumunod siya sa akin at ngumisi.
"Ipapakilala kita sa manager ko, gusto mo ba? Try mo lang!"
That's how I got into modeling. I don't know if it was because I was a Falcutila, o sadyang totoo lang na gusto nila ang mga morena na tulad ko. I had a hard time believing it was because of the latter cuz I always got bullied for it back in high school. They also liked how surly my face looked like, especially in front of the camera.
I'm not familiar when it comes to make up, but I liked how they wanted to maintain the image I had when I started modeling. What I liked the most was how they didn't call me names nor labeled me because I'm more into the "boyish" type of clothes. It made me feel like nothing is wrong with me, unlike how my old classmates and friends made me feel just because my style is different from theirs.
Hindi ko namalayan, sunod-sunod na ang projects na inaalok sa akin. Mama was very supportive of me, ganoon din naman sina Papa, at maging si Lolo, kahit na ang gusto niya talaga ay ipamahala sa akin ang isa sa mga kompanya niya.
Modeling kept me busy. Lalo na nang kinuha ako bilang ambassador ng isang luxury handbag brand. Dahil doon, hinayaan na din ako ng aking mga magulang na lumabas ng bansa para sa pagmo-modelo ko.
Busy with photoshoots and runways, naging mas madalas ako sa ibang bansa. Of course, there were issues thrown at me. Most of it was how others are saying I was a failure in the world of business kaya nag modelo na lang. While others are trying to link me to some actors, and business tycoons that I met on events and parties.
"Done,"
I smiled and stood up. Dumiretso ako sa malaking salamin sa aking harapan. I put some strands of my hair behind my ear to have a clearer view of my ear. I smiled in satisfaction.
My eyes drifted to my left when I saw Teo Claveria's reflection from the mirror. He smirked and combed my hair using his long fingers. I shoved his hand away which made him chuckle.
"Plano mo bang punuin 'yang tainga mo?" nakangisi niyang tanong.
Hindi ko siya sinagot. I fixed my hair and went back to my seat to grab my handbag before walking out of the studio. I can feel him following me from behind.
"You already have five piercing on your left ear," he pointed out.
Hinarap ko siya nang makapasok na ng lift. In his usual black suit and slacks, with a white shirt underneath that hugs his lean and well proportioned body. Teo looks like a serious and uptight business tycoon. He stepped inside the lift and clicked the button for us.
"Don't worry, my right ear doesn't have any piercing yet," I said.
He chuckled.
Isa si Teo sa mga pilit nili-link sa akin. Palibhasa'y madalas kaming nakikitang magkasama sa mga events at parties. I never tried to deny it. Actually, I never talked about it even when I was asked during interviews. Kahit ano namang sabihin ko ay hindi maniniwala ang karamihan.
Though the truth is, he attends events and parties to find someone to play with. Just like any other playboy. Natigil nga lang halos tatlong buwan na ang nakakalipas kaya mas lalo kaming nili-link sa isa't isa. Paano, sa lahat ba naman kasi ng magugustuhan niya, 'yon pang may gusto sa iba. And now he's asking for my help.
"I told you, just leave her alone for a few months. Maybe she haven't moved on yet,"
"Tss... It's already been a year. Hindi ba may asawa't anak na ang pinsan mo? Are you saying she's still not over him?" he sounded pissed.
I shrugged and smiled at him. Sinimangutan niya ako.
I unlocked my car using the remote as I walked towards it. Nang makaupo na sa driver's seat, binaba ko ang salamin upang dungawin si Teo na nananatiling nakatayo doon. Nakasimangot pa rin.
"I'm going home, Teo. Hindi na kita matutulungan,"
"Uuwi na din ako,"
Tumaas ang kilay ko. "Oh? How about Ate Alex?"
He rolled his eyes. "You told me to leave her alone, right?"
Napangisi ako. "Right,"
Sabay kaming umuwi ng Pilipinas ni Teo. It made the media became more suspicious of us. Pero gaya ko, wala rin pakialam si Teo sa sinasabi ng media tungkol sa amin. Though I sometimes think he's using me to make someone jealous. As if Ate Alexis would be jealous.
Naghiwalay na din kami nang makarating ng Pilipinas. Teo went home to his family while I went to my condo. I'll just visit Mama and Papa tonight. Hindi ko man sinabi sa kanila na uuwi ako, sigurado akong makakarating sa kanila ang balita na umuwi ako.
Binagsak ko ang sarili sa kama at nagpakawala ng malalim na buntong hininga. I stared at the white ceiling of my room for a second before slowly closing my eyes. Magdadalawang taon na ako sa pagmo-modelo bago ako pinayagan nila Mama na kumuha ng sarili kong condo. She's still very worried about me. I'm sure she heard me crying every night before kaya ganoon na lang siya kung magalala sa akin.
Although I wanted to stay with them, I realized it's better to have a place on my own. I can't make them worry about me all the time. Lalo na noong nagiging matunog na ang pangalan ko at dumadami ang mga issues na binabato sa akin. Sa mga naunang buwan, hindi pumapayag si Papa na lumalabas ako na walang kasamang bodyguard. Pero kalaunan, nagsimula na din siyang maging maluwag sa akin.
I know he's still keeping an eye on Aedion. Noong sa bahay pa ako umuuwi, madalas kong marinig mag report sa kaniya ang mga tauhan ni Tito David na sumusunod kay Aedion. That gave me more reason to move out. I don't think I can move on from what happened if I keep on hearing about him.
Sa mga nagdaan na taon, natutunan kong magpatawad. Bagaman may pait pa rin akong nararamdaman tuwing naaalala ko ang ginawa niyang panloloko sa akin noon, napagtanto ko na, pareho lang naman kaming may kasalanan sa mga nangyari. Isa pa, walang maidudulot na maganda sa akin kung palagi kong hahayaan na pangunahan ako ng galit. The last time I let hatred rule me, I lost my baby.
He's probably happy with his own family now. Imbes na alagaan ang galit na narararamdam ko, it's better to move on and live my life. We both suffered for what happened before. His father is already behind bars. This should be enough for whatever happened between our parents before.
This is the end of it. I hope our path will never cross again.
"Hija, you should've told me you're coming home para nakapagpaluto ako," si Mama pagkatapos akong salubungin ng yakap.
"Okay lang po, Ma. I bought some sweets from Fayre's bakeshop," I said and showed her the paper bag I was holding.
Tinanggap iyon ni Mama at inabot sa isa sa aming mga kasambahay upang ihain sa hapag. Giniya naman ako ni Mama patungo sa sala. I scanned our house and smiled. Halos walang pinagbago ang lugar. Naupo kami sa sofa. Malaki ang ngiting ginagawad sa akin ni Mama, bakas ang galak sa kaniyang, tila hindi tumatanda na mukha.
"Kumusta ka na? Totoo ba ang sinabi sa akin ni Fayre? Mags-stay ka na dito?" sunod-sunod niyang tanong.
Napangiwi ako sa narinig. Ang daldal talaga ni Fayre. Tumango ako kay Mama at ngumiti.
"Opo, Ma. I'm planning on starting my own business here,"
"That's good!"
Ilang taon din ang lumipas bago ko nadiskubre kung ano ang gusto kong gawin. I love modeling, but I realized I wanted to make my own designs. And I decided to start my own business here in the Philippines.
Naging malaking tulong ang pagmo-modelo ko ng ilang taon to make my own clothing line known in the fashion industry. Social media also played a huge role, especially on the first few months. I became busier because of it. Lalo pa nang magbukas ako ng pangalawang branch dito rin sa Pilipinas. I visit it every now and then, but most of the times I'm at the main branch.
I looked at myself through the mirror. Napangiti ako nang makita ang iba't ibang disenyo ng earrings na suot. I wasn't able to wear this much before dahil sa pagmo-modelo ko. Now I can wear it no matter how fancy it looks like.
Nilingon ko si Fayre na kanina pa nakatitig sa akin. Nakapangalumbaba siya sa may counter at tamad akong pinagmamasdan. She rolled her eyes and shook her head a little.
"Pasalamat ka talaga at maganda ka. Bumabagay sa 'yo ang mga ginagawa mo sa sarili mo,"
"What?" natatawa kong tanong.
Lumapit ako sa kaniya. I leaned on the counter in the middle of us. Pinitik niya ang buhok ko. I smirked, agad nakuha kung ano ang ibig niyang sabihin.
"You dyed your hair again,"
I smirked more. Bahagya akong tumagilid upang ipakita sa kaniya ang buhok ko saka tumango.
"Maganda ba?"
I've been into dyeing my hair these days. The reason why I let my hair grow longer. I used to dye my hair pink back then but I got tired of it. Now, I only dyed my hair underneath, giving me a two-tone hair.
"Sa susunod na magpapakulay ka, yayain mo si Zaylee," aniya saka humagikhik.
I chuckled a little. "Palagi mo na lang pinagti-trip-an si Zaylee, ah,"
Her grey eyes widened for what I said. "Hindi, ah! Mahal na mahal ko kaya 'yon!"
Umiling-iling ako. While I was busy with my career overseas, unti-unti namang umayos ang lagay ng pamilya ko. Though Upside Furnitures went on bankruptcy, naging maayos naman ang relasyon ni Kuya Samuel sa naging fiancée niyang si Fayre who went missing just a day before their engagement was announced. They got married a few months after she came back.
A few years after, sumunod si Kuya Eliron at ang girlfriend niya noon na si Zaylee which Tita Kuja hated so much back then. Now, she adores her so much. Actually, all of us adores her. Maging si Lolo ay unti-unti na din lumambot sa kaniya. Lalo na ngayon na may anak na sila ni Kuya Ron. Halos araw-araw siyang binibisita nila Tita.
Samantalang natigil na ang madalas na pag-aaway nina Mama at Papa. I knew I was the reason for the frequent fights before, for whenever I hear them arguing, I was always their topic. I felt bad when I hear them blaming each other for what happened to me. Alam ko kasi na ako naman ang may kasalanan. Kaya mas pinilit kong ayusin ang sarili ko.
Humilig si Fayre sa counter. A malicious smirk painted her lips.
"Anyway, is it true? Pumayag kang makipag date kay Ralph?"
Natatawa akong umiling. "Chismosa ka talaga, 'no?"
She pouted. "Narinig ko lang sa Lolo mo! Ano? Totoo ba?"
I sighed and nodded. Lalong lumawak ang ngisi sa kaniyang labi.
Lolo never stopped pairing me through the years. Ilang beses ko na din tinanggihan, lalo na kung talagang hindi ko tipo ang nilalapit niya sa akin. Ngayon palang ako pumayag. Bukod sa pinsan siya ni Clarissa sa mother's side, nalaman ko din na matagal na siyang kaibigan ni Zaylee. I've also met him a couple of times. I must say, he's good looking and well mannered. So, I figured, why not giving it a try? Wala namang mawawala. Para mapagbigyan ko na din si Lolo.
"Kailan kayo magkikita?" pang-uusisa pa ni Fayre.
"Tomorrow night,"
Ngumuso siya at tumango-tango. She was about to say something when her eyes drifted to the parking lot in front of her bakeshop. Napakurap-kurap ako nang bigla siyang yumuko.
"Mamaya na tayo mag-usap, andiyan na si Sam," halos pabulong niyang sinabi.
Nilingon ko ang parking lot at nakita si Kuya Samuel na lumabas ng kaniyang sasakyan. Kunot noo kong binalingan si Fayre na parang nagmumukmok na sa counter ngayon.
"Anong ginagawa mo?"
I chuckled a bit when she tried to push me away, as if making me leave. Sinulyapan niya ako bago bumalik sa puwesto niyang tila nagmumukmok.
"Nagalit siya sa 'kin kagabi, e. Sige na! Mamaya na lang!" pagtaboy niya.
Natatawa akong umiling-iling bago gawin ang gusto niya. I turned my heel and went out of her bakeshop. Nakasalubong ko ang asawa niyang papasok naman. Huminto ito nang makita ako. He smiled. I smiled back.
"Nag-away ba kayo ni Fayre?" I asked.
Kumurap-kurap si Kuya Sam. I saw how confused he was as he shook his head. Natatawa akong yumuko. When I lifted my eyes to him, he still looked confused. Though he smiled at me.
"Kanina pa kasi siya tahimik. Akala ko nag-away kayo. Puntahan mo na," I said and even pointed at Fayre.
Nakita ko ang pagkunot ng noo ni Kuya Sam nang makita ang ayos ni Fayre sa loob. He nodded to me before going inside the bakeshop. Umiling-iling ako at dumiretso na sa aking sasakyan.
I was about to start the engine when I heard my phone beeped. Napangiti ako nang makita kung kanino galing ang mensahe.
Ralph:
I finished my work early today. Can I visit you?
Ralph:
Are you busy? Sorry, I should've asked that first.
Ngumiti ako. I checked the time before typing a reply.
Yuliana:
It's alright, I'm not busy.
Napakurap-kurap ako nang wala pang ilang segundo ay dumating na ang reply niya.
Ralph:
That's good. I'll see you then?
Yuliana:
See you.
Nilapag ko ang cellphone ko sa shotgun seat at binuhay na ang makina ng aking sasakyan. I wanted to rest early today though. I shrugged, oh well. I thought as I maneuvered my car to go back to my store.