Jade
I've kept my father's death a secret my whole life from everyone. I was young. I could barely tie my shoes; yet, I helped call the shots. My dad exposed me to so much that year.
Most of everything I know, I got from him. After telling Jesy what actually happened that night, I felt lighter. Better, in a way I didn't know I needed. I've been battling so much internally and with my quietly loud mind, it's easy to repress if I really wanted to.
So, for nearly 15 years, it's been buried deep down.
I didn't even go to the funeral because I couldn't.
I just couldn't see my father after I'm responsible for his death. And only if he believed me just that one time, both men would probably still be alive.
I don't plan on telling Leigh anytime soon.
After they helped me clean up the blood and dispose of any other evidence, Perrie called an Uber home. Leigh offered to take her, but the poor girl was understandably traumatized.
I promised that nothing like that will happen again. Unless their motives are anything like Mr. Malik's.
Once she was gone, I took a quick shower while Leigh sat on my bed.
When I was done and dressed, I joined Leigh and we sat in a mildly awkward silence. "We need to talk," she says after a few moments.
"Perrie tried to convince you to break up with me, didn't she?"
"How'd you know?" She asks with furrowed brows, looking like an adorable puppy.
"Because Jes tried the same with me," I say and she shifts uncomfortably, "...Are we really that bad that they want us to... break up?" I run a hand through my damp hair.
"Probably... we should really get help. This isn't healthy. If anything, it's dangerous," I say, going against my demons. The mental battle I'm having is brutal, but she can't see that.
I've taught myself to appear calm on the outside, but I'm anything but. Dexter, Karl, Dad, are all talking over each other, gradually getting louder.
"Oh, fa fooks sake," I mumble, holding my head. "What's wrong?" She asks worriedly. "I'm fine. They're arguing again," I dismiss. She squints her eyes at me before getting up and getting my pills from my dresser.
A few seconds later, she comes back with my medicine and a bottle of water. "Let's start with keeping this in your system, even if you don't like when it's too quiet," she pauses.
"Can I ask you a question?" I nod as I take my medicine and take a few gulps of water. "Do you sometimes... like what they say?" She asks cautiously as I keep my eyes on her.
"Sometimes. Like if 'm radge, I'd hear me brother pu'in' ideas in me head. That night, it was my dad's voice telling me. Just in different... tones," I say, realizing who's really been controlling me my entire life.
My own father.
"Do... different people come from different emotions?" I chuckle humorlessly. "I honestly don't know. It's never consistent. Sometimes, me mam would say some stuff she'd never say in life."
I stare down at my hands, thinking about me mam. "But she's the only voice I wanna hear. No one else, just me mam," I take a deep breath and she reaches up to rub my back.
"I'm okay, trust me on that, at least," I say.
I miss her the most. Her death was my fault and I wasn't even in the same country as her.
Because I refused to take my medication, I spazzed and lost the little control I had back then.
I hurt her and my last words to her were, "I promise I'll be good so I can come home." Two weeks later, I either killed or almost killed another patient in my ward.
I don't remember why, but I was locked in solitary for a year. During my first week in the white room, I was told that my mam was missing, then she's discovered days later.
I still kick myself in the chest when I think about her. I stopped crying years ago, but guilt didn't take me out yet.
"That's why I don't like taking my medicine. Then I'd lose her voice," I finish, feeling better now that I actually spoke to someone that doesn't know how I was at age 7.
I let out a relieved sigh, smiling a little. "That felt good to get out," I chuckle lightly.
Leigh wraps her arms around me and kisses my cheek. "You're doing good already, baba," she praises me. "We gotta figure out what's going on in your mad, pretty head," I touch her forehead with mine before getting more comfortable.
She lies next to me and we fall into an intrinsic position.
"What now?" I kiss her forehead softly and hold her as close as we could get.
"We can schedule an appointment with Captain. It's our best bet. Because regardless, I'm not leaving you, habibi," I say seriously, locking our eyes.
She smiles cutely, "I love you so much." I kiss her again, but for a little longer this time. It progresses until she's on top of me and my hands were on her hips.
"I love you back."
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