Haruto's Point of View
"You're doing just fine, right?" Haruto bended his back on my swivel chair, massaging the back of my neck, eyes focused on the screen in front. Still trembling upon some uncertain energy. This is just one of the days when I feel like I'm trapped and I'm unconsciously waiting for something to come around.
"Yes, Ruto! I and Eunsang will come to see you in awhile. Maybe within a week? I miss Paris and of course, I miss you my dear best friend." I heard him chuckling as I can imagine his eyes smiling with his lips.
My first love is long ago gone. Junghwan is happy with Eunsang, and I'm over it. I'm stuck with someone I no longer have any rights to be associated with. I refrain to appear in front of him... I want him to continue living without me. It was my selective choice to be gone and never come back.
I can't even utter his name anymore. I feel like I am in no place to bring him up. He seems happy, too. That's so miserable of me, I have jerked on him and I don't deserve bit of him at all. I love him but I better be away from the frame.
"Hey, ruto-ya?" Junghwan snapped back at me. I shook my head as I tried to disregard the thoughts about gloominess.
"Yes, I miss you too. Come sooner, tell Eunsang I'll beat him up next time,"
"I won't let you." he strictly said. I let out a soft laugh, and shrug my shoulder. That guy is one lucky jerk.
I sighed as I hang up the call, loosening up my tie closing my eyes. I need some rest away from office works, considering the fact that I have no party buddies and I am an awkward cold person, it will be the same boring rest day so I better spend it with my business.
Mrs. Williams peeked on my door with her lips smiling as she was hugging a blue folder against her chest. She's an acting assistant of the company, and one of my trusted business partners. I nodded my head as a gesture allowing her to enter, standing up on my foot, I bowed down my head as a greeting.
"What brings you here, Mrs. Williams?" I asked. She sat down, pushing the blue folder on the table. "It was the house you're selling. Finally, someone took an interest to buy it." that made my jaw dropped. I have set an unreachable prize for it not to be bought.
"Who?" I asked again. She smiled, "it's my colleague, she's highly interested,"
I nodded my head slowly, bringing myself in acceptance that I need to sold it.
"I'll let you settle the deal with the buyer, Mrs. Williams." I told her, smile lingered across my face as I gulped. This is the best way to move forward, so I won't have any glimpse of him.
"I'll take note of that, that's no problem."
Flashback
"What happened? Where are you going, Haruto?" Junghwan's heavy footsteps filled my ear as he followed me all the way in my room. I shook my head, trying not to burst into tears in front of him. I don't want to put the blame on him. I am the one to be blame. I hurt Jeongwoo.
"Is it because of Jeongwoo?"
"It's always about him, Junghwan." my voice cracked, our eyes met, tears fell and streamed down my face. The weight I was carrying on my chest for awhile now, doubled, more painful and torturous.
"He wants me to be gone," I broke down on my knees. A part of me wanted not to believe him but I see it in his eyes, he's exhausted and anxious of my presence. I'm not healthy for him.
"I, I, don't know where in the world should I go if I'm not with him...."
The fear crept on me. Jeongwoo became my everything, I wanted to fix things of my past but I disregarded him and took advantage of his understanding.
"Do you want me to talk to him?" he asked. I shook my head abruptly. "No, Junghwan. I'll just leave,"
"Haruto, the moment you leave, you'll leave him with anger in his heart. And you'll prove him something in his head. He'll loathe you."
The world stopped in front of me remembering the tone of his voice, his cold eyes and his heavy crying. I have caused him so much pain that being loathed isn't enough punishment.
I stood up, walking towards the closet packing any piece of cloth I picked. "Haruto, are you going to leave like that?" I heard him asked. "C'mon, Ruto-ya, you're better than this."
Tears streamed down rapidly like a flowing river. The torment I put myself and Jeongwoo in during those days I am trying to put up on my guilt with Junghwan's disappearance is haunting me now, and I feel like dying.
I can't live without him. But I can't afford to see him live with me.
"I need not to appear in front of him anymore." I gritted my teeth, pulling my luggage, "You're a jerk, Haruto." Junghwan uttered in disbelief.
"Don't you love him?"
"I do! I do, Junghwan. With all my heart, with all of me, I do...." I yelped in pain. "I asked him enough questions, Junghwan. He wants me to be gone."
"That surely is just out of his anger, Haruto."
I stared at him. "You need to understand he's upset, you made him upset, Haruto."
"Calm down and stay for the night so you can try to talk to him tomorrow. Okay? Please, I can see you both love each other so much. He loves you, Haruto."
That teared my heart onto pieces. I weakened on my knees as I bended down and buried my face on my palms.
I spent the night on my cold bed, strong wind hugging my loneliness, and mind filled of Jeongwoo. His sad eyes, they are like a guilt that keeps driving me to madness.
I don't deserve him. He loves me so much that I couldn't see myself enough for him.
Morning came without my eyes abled to shut, I'm sleepless. The sun struck through my window pale, slightly hurting my eyes.
I'll talk to Jeongwoo.
I pulled a robe trying to bath myself to cool down myself from my endless thoughts.
I dressed up in black shirt and white pants, simply leaving my hair unwax and messy.
A picture of Jeongwoo on my side table caught my sight, a tiny smile lingered across my face.
I miss him so much.
The lively sea and sun giving off light made the mood uplifted. But two frames in front of my eyes made it a bit sadder.
Doyoung holding both Jeongwoo's hands.
The wind blew, I was just there standing from afar.
I saw how Doyoung's hand caressed Jeongwoo's face. I frowned. And just like an instinct, Doyoung closed the gap between them and savoured his lips. He's kissing the man I love.
And how this feels like a deja vu. Last night, Jeongwoo witnessed me being kissed, and now, I'm watching him being kissed.
I stood there for awhile, froze, hoping Jeongwoo will push him. But he did not.
And just like that, I saw myself in his place. This is how it feels. I'm not in a place to feel betrayed.
But I need to be gone.
*
A dark room greeted my eyes the moment I inserted my door key. I closed my eyes in anguish, massaging the back of my neck walking like a dead body.
It's been a year, and I'm still living this way. And I think I'll live this way forever. My family is just not with me and I needed space away from them. I just want to be alone, because if I chose not to, it's him I want to be with.
I threw my body on the soft mattress, staring at the blankness of my ceiling and heaved a deep sigh.
"What a life, Haruto."
It's a void loneliness knowing people think of you highly, they have the mindset you are living the best life because you seem likely to have the world on your palm, and you have everything to have joy.
But it's incredibly lonely without him.
And just like the old days, I am hearing my own voice crying like a lost boy, it often makes me breathless, and that's the torture I can savour in exchange of the pain.
My phone vibrated in my pocket. I cupped for it seeing Yoshi's name on the screen.
I carried my body to crawl and sat as I answered the call.
"Haruto, Jeongwoo's here in Paris."
Hi! Long time no update. This is just a refresh chapter because I'm also grasping for my creative juices since it's been awhile. I apologize for making some of you wait. I'm finally back to updating the story because we have few chapters left. Thank you for consideration. So much love.