-Kaisa-
I awake to a gentle hand carefully running through my hair. With caution, it softly brushes against my head, sending a warm feeling throughout my core. Levi's chest rises and falls at a steady pace, a rhythm that my own breathing has synced to as we slept. With tired eyes and a sleep deprived mind, a yawn escapes me before I snuggle myself further into his embrace.
"Morning." I mumble.
Instead of giving me an answer, Levi simply hums in acknowledgement.
"How long have you been awake?" I ask.
"For the last three hours." He answers.
"Is your arm okay?"
"No—it's completely numb."
Swiftly, I lift my head and move his arm from underneath my neck, placing it on his chest before snuggling into his arm, "Why didn't you tell me?"
"You looked too peaceful to wake up for such a trivial thing." Levi comments, rubbing his arm to instigate blood flow.
Nudging him, I chastise him, "Lack of blood flow is not a trivial thing. You need both arms to be functioning today—all those soldiers are relying on you."
"They're relying on you, too." He comments.
"We'll figure it out together. I'm just really glad that Erwin decided that we could have the morning off since there wasn't really anything for us to do. Everything was prepared last night and all we gotta do is just wait until the evening and head out when all those freaks are sleeping." I sigh in relief.
"We shouldn't be resting. There should be last minute checks for everything happening right now." Levi expresses his disagreement.
"We did that last night before the buffet." I counter.
"What if someone missed something?" Levi quickly shoots back.
I groan, not wanting to talk about the mission until it comes around, "Everything is going to be double checked at 5pm, Levi. You need to stop worrying and relax."
"I'm not worried; I trust Erwin's judgement."
"Okay, then shut up."
Levi clicks his tongue before sitting up in bed, fixing his hair slightly and adjusting his messed up sweater. Admiring the view, I find that I'm not as tired as before and sit up next to him before placing a soft kiss on his cheek. Initially he moves away before leaning back and ruffling my bedhead. A smile grazes my lips and I flop back down to rest for a bit longer while Levi climbs over me to head to the washroom. Resting here alone in his bed, a sudden sadness overwhelms me.
This could be the last day I see Levi.
The likelihood of this mission succeeding is low. We have no idea who, or what, we're going against, and we don't know of their plans. Maybe there are more titan shifters out in the world, and maybe there are other people like me who can harbour incredible strengths. Unlike me, though, they may understand their abilities and have them mastered for battle. They'll want to take Eren again for what I'm assuming is his own titan abilities, and if that's the case, this is an all-or-nothing gamble that Erwin has us doing again. That man truly is a devil.
The door swings open with a refreshed Levi who looks a bit happier after washing his face. Walking to his desk, he rummages through his drawers until he finds a box, pulling it out. Curiously, I watch his movement while lying down. Inside are fresh snowflake-shaped blades awaiting their purpose—a fight. All of my stars were exhausted, and I hadn't used one in a long time, but the feeling of the steel between my fingers is something I didn't know I craved until seeing them.
"You have more?!" I question, sitting up in excitement.
He glances at me for a moment, "Of course I do—I'm the one who made them."
"Can I have some?!" I say, pulling the blanket off my bottom half before shuffling towards him.
Levi silently pulls out another box, lifting the lid to reveal another box filled with the same weapon, "I already have some ready for you."
"That's really nice of you!" I express.
"Quiet; you're going to wake up the other squad leaders from their rest."
I pout, "Is it so wrong to be excited about something like this? Plus, I think everyone is still recovering from all the alcohol they drank last night. To be honest, we should be resting too—that's the whole point of this day."
"I could be doing something else." Levi retorts.
"Okay, fine. Let's do something then...but we're going to make sure it's relaxing." I say, putting the lids on the blades before grabbing his hand.
"Let's take our horses out for a ride in the fields! You know, where all the tulips and daffodils grow?" I smile.
"How is that supposed to be relaxing?"
"We'll be outside enjoying the sun while it's out. Plus, imagine how great the fields will smell with all those flowers! Maybe we could take a sketchbook and do some drawings together!"
"You should be resting; I don't need you shitting yourself in Shiganshina today." Levi turns the idea down.
"What makes you think that you don't need rest?"
He stays silent.
Checkmate, bitch.
I can hear you when you address those thoughts to me.
"I meant for you to hear that anyway." I say, turning away with a short laugh leaving my lips. Playfully, I turn around and give him a wave with my tongue sticking out.
Levi creases his eyebrows before swiftly walking past me to another drawer across the room. There is no need for rummaging since every storage place in this room is organized to perfection. He pulls out something out of view before returning to me, handing me a notebook.
"Oh my goodness, I thought I lost this..." I say in awe.
"I found it after you went on that suicide mission back when we were keeping that lizard boy in captivity; I just forgot to give it back to you."
Opening the book, I take my time flipping through the pages carefully. Every drawing brings back a specific moment in time, and for a minute, all my worries have vanished from the tranquility of these landscape sketches. Some of these were done from before I was recruited for the Survey Corps, and the last entry is an unfinished sketch of trees from atop of one of them--it was from the night I left Levi squad.
"Thank you, Levi." I softly remark.
He hums in response before returning to his blades. I spend a few more minutes reminiscing on the drawings before closing it and holding it up to my chest. Instead of focusing on the past, it's time to look forward to the future. Releasing a deep breath, I turn to face Levi with excitement.
"I'll get everything ready—you just have to get dressed and meet me outside in the courtyard in half an hour!" I smile before closing the door.
Half an hour later, Levi arrived at the courtyard on time. We ended up finding a tree with sufficient shade and set up our little picnic there, enjoying the sky and the clouds which slowly moved above. Every minute towards the Survey Corps' most important mission drew closer with a sense of dread, and soon enough, we both were anxious with the need to act upon our own worries. In other words, we ended up leaving not even two hours later to begin our own preparations for the expedition.
We prepared silently together in his office, the unspoken dread amongst our shoulders quietly conversing with the short glances we shared. Neither of us dared to speak of the growing pit in our stomachs; it was almost as if we announced our fears, the cruel world with its listening ears would grant the misfortune into reality—the misfortune of being separated from each other.
Of course, Levi remains calm on the exterior, refusing to reveal his thoughts. Despite having my new abilities, I never pried into his thoughts or memories without his consent, knowing he'd never forgive me. Instead, I count my blades before tucking them into the belt around my waist as Levi checks his gear's straps.
Eventually, time passes faster than I wish. We migrated to my room midway through our preparation, and now we stand in our gear ready to execute Erwin's plan. I yank my cape that is folded neatly on my bed and swing it over my shoulders effortlessly, buttoning it at the front before taking out my hair tie to adjust my ponytail once more.
Hange's voice rang out three minutes ago, announcing that we had ten minutes before needing to meet outside at the gate. Although completely ready, my stomach twists with anxiety as I place the hair accessory between my lips. A shiver shoots through my body in worry. With a straightened back, I turn to Levi who is leaning against my desk, quickly taking the hair tie from between my lips.
His brows furrow, "What's wrong?"
"This entire plan; it's going to fail." My voice trembles slightly.
"It's Erwin's plan—we're bound to lose something." He responds.
I shake my head, "No, Levi. This is different. I'm having the same feeling I felt back at Utgard castle; this isn't a premonition. No, it's a fact. This is too dangerous."
"Your feelings were related to knowing death, not knowing the outcome of the entire situation." Levi states before continuing, "Kaisa, you're already mourning the deaths of people who you don't know will die yet."
His words don't register in my head and continue before heading to the door, "I have to tell Erwin to call it off."
Levi swiftly makes his way towards me before grabbing my wrist, "If Erwin says this is what we need to do, we'll do it."
"Levi, they're kids!"
"They are soldiers." He firmly responds.
"Soldiers who are fifteen." Every word is articulated sharply as I recall the night before with my three kids.
"You cannot deny them their freedom to choose what they wish to do with their lives." Levi contests.
He continues, "Who are you to play God and decide who gets to dedicate their heart?"
"Who are we to send kids to death?" I challenge.
He pauses before softening his tone, recognizing my slight hostility, "Kaisa, this isn't a choice that you are making. You are not sending kids to death—they are deciding to send themselves to death. No one who is here expects to live, not even yourself."
"You've got it wrong, Kaisa. You aren't sending me to die—I choose to go and fight on behalf of you. You don't shoulder that pressure—I do."
His words remind me of what Eren said during training a while back.
"If you can't stomach that fact, then you should not be leading your group. You cannot be an efficient leader if you aren't willing to sacrifice your group for the betterment of humanity." Levi states.
He sighs, letting go of my wrist, "Those who survive the worst circumstances will survive the longest; your group has survived every other invasion alongside you. Even if they're just rookies, they have an advantage: you."
Levi stares past my doubts, "Let Erwin follow through with his plan."
Suppressing the feeling in my body, I find confidence in his words and nod my head.
"Okay."
--
The branches crack beneath our footsteps despite our efforts to remain stealthy. Every once in a while, a small yelp would escape from a Survey Corps soldier upon seeing a titan asleep without a care in the world. At first, it was shocking to see how unexpectedly sad they looked while resting against a tree. Surprisingly, Moblit didn't put much effort into keeping Hange on track—she was never one to get too out of hand on expeditions this intense. Her curiosity never dimmed, rather, she understood the gravity of the situation a lot more than most people.
Hange never really spoke about her past, just like Levi. I never pried into her life; it wasn't my business, and as a friend, it's my job to accept her as she is now. Regardless of why she's quiet about her youth, she still holds a special place in my heart...and my arm now that there's a vertical scar upon my previous wounds.
Behind me, my team walked with calm demeanors, keeping their eyes open in case any of the titans woke up from their slumber. With shoulders held high, we continued our journey towards Wall Maria. It isn't uncommon to see the light from the glowing orbs shake slightly from its owner's hand. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared or nervous. The pit in my stomach only continues to grow with every step I take. Even with Levi's words of assurance, the feeling surrounding my body is overwhelming at this point.
"You're going to break the damn light." Levi sharply directs at me.
"Huh?" I respond mindlessly, caught off guard by his words.
Instead of repeating himself, he nods towards the glowing orb in my hand. Trailing his look towards my hand, I see my veins straining from my tight grip. Inside, I feel jittery; uncomfortable, almost. For once, the adrenaline in my blood isn't comforting or warm—it's cold, desolate, and frightening.
"I can't help it." I respond, "You already know how I feel about this operation."
Levi turns his head away from me, bringing his attention back in front of him. The trees hide us from our predators while blocking our vision of the sky. The moon is a beautiful blue hue tonight. It radiates gorgeous rays, ignorant of the souls shaking beneath them.
It mocks me from above. It floats beyond the clouds amongst the stars freely without worry of tomorrow. It looks down upon every step I take in judgement of the wrong decisions I make despite its absence of rationality. It exposes my irrationality—it openly informs me of my unrealistic expectations of safety; it rips any control from my hands without a moment's notice. But it is just the moon; it does nothing of the sort. It simply rests in the sky peacefully without knowing the attributes I've assigned to it.
However, the person walking beside me breathes life. And yet, I cannot deny the slight frustration arising in me. A frustration filled with confusion as to why my words always seem to fall short against the blonde commander leading these recruits to their deaths without any visible remorse. Keeping my thoughts to myself, I press on; any more contemplation of how I feel, and this entire mission will be skewed from my lack of focus.
The tireless night eventually brings us towards a place I called home after my escape from the underground. Wall Maria stands proudly even with the gaping hole the armoured titan caused. The river next to us trickles without disturbance; it is almost absurd to think that five years ago, refugees threw themselves over the railings of the bay in order to escape the incoming threats here. Eren, Mikasa, and Armin glance at where a broken boat rests, sunken into the water. With cloudy gazes, they return their attention to the mission waiting right in front of them.
On the edge of the wall, we spread ourselves amongst the trees, checking our gear once more to avoid any malfunctions. The Survey Corps is now divided amongst squad leaders and groups, with Levi's squad and my own put together in one pod. Our teams quietly prepare themselves, whispering with each other when needed. Off to the side, Levi and I stand, watching them adjust the new thunder-spears to their gear.
After everything sorts itself out, it's time for me to check Levi's gear before he verifies mine.
Do you think what we're doing is right, Levi?
My anxious thoughts overwhelm me as I adjust his straps.
I don't know what is right. All I can do is do what I think is right with the information that I have.
I nod, adjusting his cape one last time before standing back.
He returns the favour and overlooks my own gear, adjusting it.
Shit!
In an attempt to avoid immediate worry of our check-ins, I calmly bring my head down to face him before responding.
What's wrong?
Your fucking clasp—it's broken.
A pit fills my stomach and my hand automatically shoots out to the area he's working on—my right leg. I quickly look over my shoulder, looking at our teams who are unaware of the circumstances occurring in our silent conversation.
What do you mean it's broken? What's broken?!
The fucking leather strap to your right ankle; it's fucked. The metal tore through the leather opening for it.
Pulling my leg away from him, I examine the problematic clasp, only to concede with his conclusion; the belt indeed was no longer functional.
Shit!
The moment the realisation hits, my blood starts pumping between my temples, and suddenly, the nerves are no longer daunting. Whatever is going on right now is simply a challenge in the way of my goal—keeping these kids alive.
It's fine. You take the kids up and Eren ready to seal the wall. I'm going to find something to replace this strap with.
Switch the gear.
With who?!
Levi stares at me for a moment, and it is evident that millions of neurons are firing through his brain way too fast for his comfort. Out of nowhere, he begins to unbuckle his gear in a rush. In anger I yank his hands away from the leather and immediately begin putting it back together.
My words are assertive.
Humanity's Strongest must remain on the front lines with proper gear.
Levi fights back with the same energy.
Humanity's Tempest should have gear that is functional.
Humanity's Strongest is what's going to encourage these children to fight. You are the flame under their ass that will save their lives. I told you that I would find a solution and it would be okay.
I don't give him a smile after my words. I don't have the free energy or focus to upkeep soft expressions or kindness. Kindness isn't going to get us out of here; the only way I'll walk out of this battlefield is by stopping beating hearts. Reality will not be gracious to let me live after one mistake; reality will not deter death from those I love; reality will not give me another chance to save these people.
Levi doesn't fight against me this time. Instead, he runs a hand through his hair in frustration as the last buckle clicks into place. He doesn't touch me, he doesn't provide me with any words, and he doesn't bother arguing again. Instead, Levi looks at me with uncertainty before walking past me towards our kids.
Find a solution.
Although he can't see me, I nod my head and rush off towards the river where the sunken boat remains; if there was going to be any sort of solution to this issue, it'd probably be there. The new gear on my shoulders were heavier than what we usually trained with, and I'm a bit embarrassed to admit that I'm already running out of breath. In attempts to conserve my energy, I lower my pace and sacrifice the lost time in getting to the boat.
By the time I arrive at the loading dock, sounds of rushing wind fill the air. Turning over my shoulder, all that's in the distance are the capes of Survey Corps soldier's initiating the distraction for Eren to seal Wall Maria. Trusting in their capabilities, I return my focus back to the boat which isn't in the best condition. Two thirds of the ship is submerged—only the nose is facing upwards. The water surrounding the boat is tinted brown in comparison to the water a couple of meters away. A pungent, burnished, metallic odor fills my senses the closer I get, and my eyes are watering even though I still haven't made contact with it.
Its condition looked better from further away, but that's to be expected since most of the eroding is probably on the inside. I lower the bridge that was made to board the ship and use my foot to tap on the piece of metal to see if it's stable. Thankfully, most of the metal hasn't completely worn down and the boat is relatively solid, which means I can get closer to any of the seatbelt straps inside. The glass on the front isn't broken, surprisingly. Afraid of breaking my gear, I avoid using the ends of my swords and instead carefully rush to grab a piece of broken metal found near the bridge. As I get there, a bright, yellow flash of light ignites the sky, sparking a sharp wave of energy down towards who I can only hope is Eren. Trusting in the rest of my comrades, I pursue my solution to this stupid belt issue.
Upon return, I grasp the metal firmly before smashing it against the glass, only to see a small crack webbed across the front. With another swing, the glass shatters, falling into the captain's seat. With careful steps, I enter the boat before taking out my knife from my jacket pocket. A sigh of relief escapes me when I see that the seatbelts are still intact despite the neglect of over 5 years. Cutting the belts from the co-captain and captain's seat, I shove them in between my belts so that I don't spend any more time in here than I need to. At this point, I'm blinking twice a second because of the dust and awful odor inside.
After climbing out and making it back onto land, far away from the boat, I remove the broken leather strap and weave the seatbelt in its place. I cut a small hole for the latch to fasten in, and with a couple of tugs, my right leg is fully fastened into place. Adrenaline flows through me in celebration, and I don't waste a single second making my way back towards the battlefield. There hasn't been any commotion or loud sounds from inside the wall since the initial transformation, so it's possible that there isn't any danger here at all.
The wall isn't too far from where I am, and it shouldn't take me more than five minutes to join the rest of the Survey Corps on the tops of Wall Maria. Given the lack of action, I can't help but be suspicious of my own concerns from earlier today. Maybe it's true that my intuitions were wrong, and maybe it's true that my worries were nothing but my nerves overtaking my rationality and trust in Erwin.
But the moment that this doubt seeps in, an overwhelming, fearful shiver ignites my body in terror. I miss a step in my sprint, temporarily tripping over my feet just as my heart races faster than it ever has before.
No, I am not wrong; we are not alone here.
----
hi hey hello!
sorry for all the authors notes recently--i realise i haven't been posting as much as i should be and it's because my co-op and school have been so exhausting. i hope you enjoyed this update, and i also plan on updating next week!
much love and take care,
~cendiain
[p.s. GET VACCINATED <3]