I start to ask myself why on earth have I let myself be convinced to agree to this. This was a terrible idea.
"And how did you feel in that moment when you locked eyes with him?" Emily, my therapist, asks me. For a while, I don't say anything. She stares at me blindly.
That day when Buck was brought into the hospital and he had no recollection of who I was, it broke me. Shattered me completely. It felt as though a light that once shined so brightly inside of me suddenly went dark. A candle being blown out.
The first thing I had done when I got home was call my mother, sobbing and choking. My emotions were overwhelming. I couldn't form a single sentence at first so all that was coming out was nonsense. She started to freak out, not knowing what the hell was wrong with me. She panicked and told me she can be on the next plane out if possible. Once I was able collect all my thoughts and spit out real words, I told her. Everything. I explained why he wasn't there on my birthday, how I walked away from him after finding out Savannah was pregnant. How it all goes back to before me and Evan even started dating. To the night of the gala. I expected to feel somewhat lighter after telling my mother everything but I only felt worse. Reality sank in.
Finally, I say, "Frozen. Because the person I love the most in the world has no idea who I am. The love of my life... forgot me. He forgot us."
"Imagine your person looking at you and seeing no spark in their eyes. Nothing. All those moments you created together? gone. Well, for him. For me... I'll carry those with me forever. For the both of us. I don't want to believe that it'll be like this forever. It can't be."
Emily, my therapist, takes a moment to look at her notes, scribbling some more down in her notepad. I wonder what she's writing down. A part of me wants to yank that notebook out of her hands and read what she's saying about me. If she thinks I'm "handling" any of this in the right way. Probably thinking I'm a damaged, emotional train wreck who has unhealthy coping mechanisms or some bullshit.
But is there a right way to deal with this?
"Are you feeling any kind of anger towards Savannah? Do you think-"
"I don't want to talk about Savannah right now" I cut her off. Emily looks up at me, nods, and looks back down to her notes.
"Can we talk about this Victor guy? How is your relationship with him now?"
"There is no relationship. We're just friends." I roll my eyes in annoyance. She tried to ask me this last week.
"That's how you see it. But he has feelings for you, doesn't he?"
I let out a loud sigh as I look her directly in her eyes.
"Yes, he does but what does this have to do with anything?"
"He has been there for you, or tries to but it seems you're too scared to let him be a good friend to you. Too scared to let him in. Maybe you haven't allowed yourself to accept why that is?"
"What?"
"Why did you push him away in the beginning? Are you afraid that you'll start to maybe develop some kind of feelings for him if you haven't already and feel guilty because you're in love with Buck?"
"Where are you getting this from?"
"The way you have described how he is towards you. He obviously cares for you and I can see that you also care for him because he is there for you but you also seem hesitant. You don't want him to get too close. You mentioned the person you go to immediately when you need to talk is Gigi. What does she think of it?"
"She doesn't think anything because she knows its nothing. I don't know where you're getting the idea that I'm scared-"
"You have yet to really see it, Stella. Victor sounds like a good friend and you appreciate him but what I am also hearing-"
"You're hearing wrong. I think this session is over, i'm tired." I get up rather quickly from my seat and head towards the door.
"Stella, I am only trying to help you understand your feelings. Help you get a different perspective and help you get through this..."
"See you next week." Is all I say before the door shuts behind me.
****************
"Remind me again why I even let you guys let me believe this was a good idea?"
I slide two plates of spaghetti and meatballs on the table between me and Gigi. She pulls her plate closer and immediately digs in. Gigi had left the hospital not too long ago and didn't go home first so she is still in her scrubs.
After I had cut my session short with Emily, I called Gigi. She noted my tone before I could really explain anything and said she'll be over after her shift ends. Her and Mazzey had traded and there were few papers she had to fill out before leaving. I insisted it was fine, that I needed to go home and eat and relax then I would feel better. But Gigi being, well Gigi, said she will be at my house shortly and ended the phone call. So, I got home and cooked for two instead of one. Lucky for her I was making her favorite dish.
"I thought this would help you out. I'm your best friend and I would do anything for you but sometimes I feel you need someone who isn't close to you, a stranger to spill your whole life to because they don't know you and at the end of the day, who gives a shit what they think about you and your problems you know? So much has happened to you in such a short amount of time and I feel you haven't let yourself talk about it. Like fully. And maybe you can't with anyone close to you, maybe you're not ready to be vulnerable around us and that's why I thought that maybe talking to someone who doesn't know you and sees it from a whole new perspective can give you some insight. I know, funny how it's easier to be vulnerable to a stranger than people you actually know."
I shove a mouthful of food into my mouth as I think on her words. When I think about it, really think about it, Gigi is right. A lot has happened to me. It all seems unreal when I look back on the memories. The memories I try to repress. When I do feel the need to talk, I go to Gigi about these things more than I do to Amanda or Mazzey or even my mom or... Buck, when he was my person to go to. But even when I do talk, I don't really let it all out as I should. How any of it really impacted me; The shooting. Being kidnapped. Leaving Buck. And I still haven't been able to process these past couple of weeks since the accident that has taken my soulmate away from me.
Soulmate. Because deep down I am certain it is him. I would like to think that deep down he also knows too. Despite the lack of emotions that were behind his eyes when he had locked eyes with me the day he was discharged from the hospital. It hurt me beyond words watching him turn away and walk out of those doors, Savannah and Maddie following suit. Maddie's face flashes in my head, an apologetic look on her face as she looked back to me. She knew I was feeling pain watching her brother leave with someone else by his side.
My problem is that I don't allow myself to be transparent. I shrug everything off and continue on. And I can see why my mom, G and Victor all think I need to talk to someone other than my circle. Instead of shrugging all of my emotions away and act as if these events that have happened to me don't affect me.
"Why did you walk out of your session? What did she poke at that made you upset?" Gigi asks me.
"She implied that I am scared to let Victor be my friend. He is already my friend but she was all like 'you're too scared to let him get too close'"
Gigi raises an eyebrow. "And?" She pushes.
"And she thinks the reason is because I'm going to fall for him. I think that she thinks I have hidden feelings for him. Because she knows that he has feelings for me. It was one of the first things we talked about in our first session."
"So... I mean, do you feel anything for him?"
"G."
"What? He isn't ugly. Far from it! What's the harm if you so happen to start looking at Victor differently?"
I put my fork down and sit back in my chair, crossing my arms at my front. Gigi rolls her eyes.
"I'm only saying. What happens if Buck never regains any memory? Or at least of you? What will you do then?"
Her words hit hard. That is something I don't want to think about.
"Will you spend the rest of your life waiting for him?"
I don't say anything for a while but I answer the question immediately in my head. I would wait as long as I live if that's what it takes. I have walked away from Buck once already, I won't do it again.
"Babe, you deserve the world and I know Buck was everything for you. Is everything for you. I loved seeing you with him. It made me happy. And my god do I hope this isn't permanent, but I want you to be prepared for the worst. And I promise I will be by your side through all of it. I only want to see you happy. I can't stand the thought of having to watch my best friend let her life pass by her waiting for someone who may not come back..." she reaches her hand across the table to me. "And I pray he does come back to you. For now, take it day by day."
My eyes turn to glass. I manage to nod my head, and I take Gigi's hand in mine. "Okay. Day by day."
"Yes, and I will be right there with you. No matter what."
"Now, Stella. How about we open up that bottle of Stella Rosa in the fridge and watch some horror movies?" Gigi's face brightens up and I can't help but laugh.
"Who needs therapy when I have you and wine and scary movies?" I say, getting up from my chair and walking to the fridge.
"Sweetie, you don't need anyone when you have me and wine AND horror movies but I mean" She flips her hair and joins me in the kitchen, pulling down two glasses and setting them on the counter.
I open the bottle and pour us each a glass. Gigi lifts her glass up to me.
"Here's to taking it day by day."
I raise my glass up to hers. Clink. I bring the glass to my lips and I welcome the semi sweet liquid.
I quietly repeat the words, whispering them to myself.
"Day by day."