TRIGGER WARNING: mention of sexual coercion and panic attack
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" how could i stay when you lit a match to all my intentions "
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aurora astor.
This week has been hell.
Not only balancing school and the absurd amount of studying I've been doing for finals this week but going to the gym and all of the other shit on my mind has just reached beyond the point of overwhelming. It just never ends anymore, the universe doesn't let me catch my fucking breath.
But nevertheless, you keep moving and you do it for yourself – but that desire's also slowly dwindling.
I step out of my apartment, locking the door behind me and I start walking down the hall. My body is warm for the moment in a pair of baggy jeans that fit like sweatpants and a long sleeve shirt. It's not like I plan on walking too far, just enough to get to the diner.
My backpack is heavy on my back and it weighs down my shoulders with textbooks, my laptop, and my notebooks to match the feeling of where my head has been at recently.
I head down the stairs, pushing open the metal door to feel the cold evening air hit me and my body involuntarily shivers. My eyesight gets blurry from the dry cold air, blinking quickly to rid the moisture from my eyes, and I sniffle as I wrap my arms around myself.
It takes me a few seconds before I stop dead in my tracks, nearly stumbling back when I see that fucker that's been in my head all week.
He's leaned back against his old classic car, cigarette in between his lips and his usual untamed curls. His lean body is clothed in black trousers that cuff at the bottom with a white Hollywood Sound white shirt under his warm neutral flannel overtop.
"I was just about to head up," he chimes, his accent taking me back a few nights.
His cheeks crinkle from his smile as he sucks in smoke from the white stick in between his fingers. His other hand stuffed in his pocket whilst leaning back against his own car and I take notice of the keys as always clipped to one of his belt loops with that pink carabiner.
I take into account the odd night and his departure early that morning a few days ago – I am very confused.
"Why?" I mutter, my body getting colder and colder by the second as I stand out here with goosebumps rising on my skin.
He flicks his cigarette out onto the pavement, watching the orange glow fade out as he breathes out the last of the smoke into the brisk air with his own breath forming in front of him in a hazed cloud. He opens up the passenger door to his car and motions me in, making me scoff at his gesture.
"I'm taking you somewhere." He states with a look on his features letting me know that there was some plan in his head, no way in hell would he voluntarily spend time with me if not for his own benefit.
"Absolutely not," I mutter and he gives me a fake pout as I shake my head, I don't even have time for this today.
"I have finals, I need to study ..." I start walking away from him and his frustrated groan behind me resounds in this barren sidewalk strip. His large hand clasps around my upper arm and pulls me back while I huff at him, my feet dragging against the pavement.
"We're going to my diner, Ace." He states and I squint my eyes at him.
"No, did you not hear that I have to study?" I snap at him and he gives me a satisfying push, forcing me to stumble into his car with the weight of my backpack adding to the momentum.
"I did." He states, shutting the door after and I scoff at him as I maneuver to sit upright on the leather seats.
But I can't even deny the welcome lingering warmth of his car. I pinch my eyes shut whilst I warm my body up, sniffling as I try to contain my shivers.
I watch Harry walk around the car through the front window, his hands in his pockets as comes over to his side of the car. I rub my hands together as he opens up the door, sliding himself in with a relieved sigh to start the car back up.
"Where's your fucking coat?" He snaps at me, pulling away from the curb.
I swallow hard, trying not to think about the nagging anxiety crawling through every part of me – I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin today.
"My plans were to go to the diner to–" I begin again as if I didn't tell him a few times now.
"To study, yeah, I heard you." He says, glancing over to see his rosy cheeks and the tip of his straight nose to be a hue of light pink as he glares. He starts to pull his flannel off whilst driving and I stare at him like he's delusional before he shoves it into my lap.
"Put it on," He instructs and I gape at him.
"No–" I start and his eyebrow lifts at my choice of words.
"Wasn't a request, Ace," he says and I roll my eyes at him, feeling the comforting material under my fingertips and I pull it on over my shoulders.
The warmth of the material along my skin covered in goosebumps from the cold appreciates the fabric greatly as it swims on me, the lingering cologne making this more appealing than it should.
"Seatbelt too, idiot." He instructs and I huff under my breath, not realizing again.
I reach for it and tug it on with a string of thoughts in my head telling me it was pointless anyway. I stick my palms in between my thighs, my leg bouncing as I sniffle.
"What exactly is going on?" I ask and he hums, his hand comes into my personal space and I glance down. The white stick in between his fingertips beckoning me and I take it without a second thought.
I stick the filter in between my lips and I reach for my lighter in my pocket, pulling it out. I flick the spark wheel with enough pressure from my thumb to produce a small hot flame.
The fire makes me trance out for a second, losing myself to the world that encompasses my head rather than reality itself. The hot orange glow flickering and dancing with the air in front of my eyes.
"–Are you even listening to me?" I hear Harry, the old, soulful music playing quieter through the car. I clear my throat a little, blinking and resuming what I was doing to burn the end of the cigarette.
"No."
The tobacco smoke fills my lungs and I tuck my lighter into my pocket. He scoffs harshly next to me, his knuckles turning white on the steering wheel with all those pretty rings.
"You're pissed, aren't you?" He asks and I give him a weird look, glancing over as his focus is on driving. I suck in a long drag of this instant relief, temporarily remedying this awful lingering feeling on my chest today. I filter the potent smoke through my nose before answering him.
"At?" I mutter in confusion and his green eyes glance over at me for a second as I stick the filter in between my lips to take another drag.
"The way I left the other night," he states as he makes a turn and I snort at him, pushing aside the confusion.
"I really couldn't care less, Harry." I breathe the smoke out, it calms my nerves as I tap the ashes out of the window of the car.
The comforting music continues to drift through the car like sweetness to the contrasting aura of a person he is whilst I take notice of his fingers tapping to the melody on the wheel.
"I assumed so ..." he says confidently and I sniffle a little more, taking another drag from this magic in between my fingers.
"I wasn't in the right headspace." He mutters and I believed him, I saw his reaction when he got hit but I'm not pushing it.
"Don't worry about it," I murmur as I breathe out the smoke and the old-timey music consumes the car.
"Are you going to tell me why this is happening right now?" I mumble, tapping the ashes off the end and seeing him shake his head in disbelief out of the corner of my eye.
"I just explained five minutes ago, you weren't paying attention, and I'm not explaining again." He states and I pinch the bridge of my nose with that one. The stress is really taking its toll on me and I groan under my breath.
"I really have to study ..." I mutter and he just laughs at me.
"College is pointless." I give him a weird look, glaring at him as he seems to think he's always right.
His car comes to a halt at the curb as he doesn't even need to fix his parallel parking.
I shake my head at him and hear his chuckle as I pull my seatbelt off. "Tell me I'm wrong, Ace." He says as I get out of his car and shut the door. The cold air pricks my skin and I hug myself again to stay warm in front of this diner, the sleeves of his flannel fall over my hands.
"You're wrong," I call out as he shuts his door, walking around the front of his car as he twirls his keys around his fingers before he clips them back into their normal spot. A smile hugs on those cherry lips as he joins my side, only being so obliging with this because I'm a little hungry.
I pull the door open, the warmth inside of the friendly chatter and smell of greasy comfort food. I walk in to feel a tug to my elbow to pull me over to the booth for me to sit down.
"We'll resume this conversation ..." he states before walking away to order without even needing to ask me what I wanted.
I just huff under my breath and pull my backpack off. Starting to pull my books out and my laptop along with it. I tie my hair back to pull it out of my face, allowing a few fallen strands to tickle my features as I start reviewing material for my sociology exam.
His presence joins me again, sitting across from me as he sighs when leans back into the booth. My eyes flicker over to him as he stares at me before his mouth starts moving again.
"Enlighten me then, tell me why it's not pointless?" He asks and I take a deep breath before diving into this. His fingers tapping on the table with his rings glimmering in the light.
"School's not pointless, it's a necessity to actually make a life for yourself here," I mutter and he hums as I highlight a line in my book. "I need a degree to get a job and a job to make money. That's how this shit works." I tell him.
I stick the highlighter in between my teeth and write out a little annotation for the material in front of me. He breathes out a light laugh for me to glance up at him, pulling the highlighter from in between my teeth.
"What the hell do you even do with a sociology and criminology degree?" He asks and I huff at him, folding my arms over the table to meet his intrigued green eyes.
"You can do anything involving crime or criminal justice–" I start explaining and he rolls his eyes at me, making me knit my eyebrows together.
"What are you doing with that degree, Ace?" He restates.
I think about it for a second, it shouldn't be a question I have to think about.
"Maybe social work ..." I say, that being one of the only remotely appealing aspects of this career that I chose for completely different reasons.
Harry just stares at me, staring into my soul practically as he pinches his bottom lip, and we both glance over when one of the waitresses slides shakes across the table. Seeing the cookies and cream with whip cream swirled high on top with the bright red cherry sticking out.
"A social worker?" He states as he grabs his own chocolate shake and licks the top of the whipped cream on his, putting me in the weirdest daze for a second. I swallow hard to rid the filth in my head right now, reminding myself to take it down a notch.
I nod at him, pulling the cherry from the swirled pile of my sweet whip cream. "What would you do?" He asks, somewhat genuinely but it scares me as I pull the sweet maraschino cherry off the stem into my mouth.
"I mean, I'd have to take go back to school and take more classes but I'd help kids and families that need it," I state with the intensely sweet candied cherry juice seeping onto the taste buds along my tongue. I swallow the cherry, noticing him stare at me as his lips are wrapped around the red straw as if he wants to know more.
"Like ... helping homeless people, women suffering any kind of abuse, or keeping kids safe from unstable home environments," I say under my breath as I seem to have caught his attention. I just stick the stem into my mouth, twisting it without realizing it and giving him a weird look as he continues to stare at me.
"So she does give a fuck ..." he mutters with an amused smile.
I pull the tied stem from my tongue and I place it down on a napkin with this added lingering nostalgic loss running deeply in me. I almost frown at the simple creation on the white napkin but I cover it up with a light chuckle through my nose at his statement.
"Sometimes," I say as his head tilts slightly and I swirl with my straw the shake before taking a sip. "Did I prove my point?" I ask as I swallow the sweet cookies and cream shake and his lips curl up into a smirk.
"Mhm," he hums and I take another sip. "I still think it's pointless." He states in conclusion and I narrow my eyes at him.
"You can't say shit because you've never been." I fire back and he looks taken aback.
"And how would you know, Ace?" He states and I snort under my breath.
"I can tell–" I state and he kicks my leg under the table, allowing me to laugh softly more as he shakes his head.
"I'm doing quite fine without it actually." His accent comes out with those words and I just hum sarcastically with a light headshake at him.
"I'm sure," I state and he hums at me, nodding his head.
I attempt to say something but he stops himself and his eyes drift over.
"Thank fuck, took you long enough." Harry gets up with those words like he was expecting the company, and I knit my eyebrows together.
There's so much happening at once as the waitress slides a basket of greasy food across the table and Harry's tall figure with a new one at our booth.
I take in his golden blonde hair, perfectly silky-looking at the top of his head. It kind of reminds me of a golden retriever with his pale skin and his eyes meet mine. I get consumed in the piercing ocean blue and the contagious straight white-toothed smile that reaches his eyes.
Harry clears his throat, making me jump when he sits himself down next to me and nudges my hip to scoot me into the booth more. I just stare at the other guy as he sits himself down across from us and Harry starts picking at the fries as he slides his shake back to himself.
"Uhm–" I mutter in confusion as the both of them chuckle under their breaths at me.
"M'Niall." He grins, hearing his thick Irish accent coating his words and that's when my body freezes. His blue eyes pinned on me as my stomach drops to the checkered floors, my hand freezes over the basket of fries as he starts to laugh at me.
"What did you just say?" I snap at him and I hear Harry chuckle next to me, pushing my hand away so he can grab more fries for himself.
"She gets snappy like this, give her a second to warm up," Harry says calmly. I resist the urge to smack the back of his head but I'm just staring at this guy in front of me with the anger slowly but surely simmering.
"What did you say your name was?" I say coldly and slowly, that's when I see Niall give Harry a smirk and they continue to chuckle.
"Niall." He states and my body reacts before I can't stop myself.
Chaos erupts as I launch myself across the booth to see Niall jump back while I try to grab his shirt. He presses himself back into the booth with shock over his features, those blue eyes wide for me to see. In the same heartbeat, I feel hands grab my waist and pull me back harshly.
"I'm going to fucking kill you–" I harshly spit out as Niall starts cracking up but Harry's hand clasps over my mouth as I sit in between his legs. His thighs hold me tight in one spot as his other arm is around my chest to pull my arms tight into my sides. His large hand clasped over my mouth while I thrash in his arms and Harry snickers behind me.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Harry snaps into my ear as my cold eyes just stay locked on the Irish fucker that I want to sucker punch who is just staring in amusement.
"Let me go–" I squirm, only causing Harry to hold me tighter with his strong arms locking me in this spot. "You did that shit to Kian, you hurt him–" I say harshly into Harry's palm as I see Niall's eyes go wide and they both start cracking up like maniacs.
Harry's forehead falls to my shoulder and I freeze in utter confusion of what the hell's going on right now. My eyes are wide as I look at the both of them cracking up and I groan out, earning a few eyes from the rest of the diner at the obnoxious activities happening in this booth.
"Harry, get off me," I snap into Harry's palm as they both calm down from the case of giggles they both caught.
"Bloody hell–" Niall mutters and I scoff into Harry's palm.
Harry snorts behind me, holding me to his chest as I squirm a little more but it's no use. Niall's pale cheeks are pink from laughing so hard. "I dunno who dat is." Niall starts and I jump at him but Harry holds me back, being a prisoner to his tattooed arms.
"Relax, Ace," Harry mutters, his hand coming off my mouth and wrapping that arm around me tighter as I groan at the constriction. The amusement in Niall's eyes only grows as he picks at the fries in the middle of the table.
"You know damn well who I'm talking about–" I snap at him across the booth as Niall just huffs. "I saw his face and he told me himself," I say with anger written all over me.
"He was askin' for it," Niall states as he chews and I lunge at him again, just making him laugh as Harry holds me with a chuckle.
"You're the one that brought him into that shit!" I raise my voice and Harry's hand slaps over my mouth as I huff at him.
"You better lower your damn voice." Harry rasps into my ear, sending a chill through my body, and I squirm even more. He cautiously pulls his hand off my mouth as I squint my eyes in a glare at Niall watching the both of us right now.
"Are you going to say shit or are you just going to sit there–" I snap and Niall chuckles.
"She is snappy ..." Niall mewls and I clench my jaw as Harry chuckles with him. I glare at both of the fuckers. "Long story short, darlin', he dug his own grave." He states and I gawk at him, my lips parting in shock.
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" I hiss as Harry holds me tighter with the tone of my voice. He reaches for fries and eats them over my shoulder which only makes me even more annoyed with him right now.
Niall huffs, leaning back into the booth, and gives Harry a look. "He was very eager for the opportunity, I didn't force him to get involved at all," Niall states as I listen, my entire body tensed up with my jaw clenched.
"You hooked him up–" I start and Niall's hand lifts to stop me, making my blood boil even more.
"That was his choice, no one else's. It's free will, darlin'." Niall continues as I sharply scoff at him, seeing him smile back like this doesn't affect him in the slightest.
"Anyways," he continues, sitting up a little more and being almost bored with the conversation topic. "Heard some of my guys tellin' me that the fucker was cheatin' us out of our money, I don't tolerate that shit," Niall states as I continue to stare in disbelief, my body rigid and my anger growing.
"Please, your alpha male bullshit doesn't give you the damn right to beat anyone for something like that, if anything, it kind of screams small dick to me ..." I say confidently and Niall's lips slowly twitch up into a smirk as Harry abruptly chokes behind me on his shake.
I glance over my shoulder in annoyance as his cheeks are pink from the coughing into his fist glittering with his shiny rings. He simply scrunches up his nose and shakes his head with strained laughs leaving him.
He continues to sip on his shake and I scoff at him over my shoulder. His green eyes up close now with a smirk on those cherry lips wrapped around the red straw of his chocolate milkshake.
I just look back at Niall coldly and narrow my eyes on his blue ones while he's shaking his head slightly.
Niall just brushes the comment off, poking his tongue into his cheek to hide his smirk but fails miserably, and I nearly roll my eyes.
"He knew what he was gettin' involved in." Niall puts it simply as that smirk dies out and I clench my jaw.
"That's just fucked–" I start but he cuts me off abruptly.
"Not as fucked as him druggin' girls and manipulatin' them into fuckin' him," Niall says coldly with seriousness on his face that makes my blood run cold. My entire body freezes up as I stop struggling in Harry's arms altogether and my lips part in shock.
"What?" I choke out and Niall just nods at me, making me look over at Harry to see the same seriousness and I feel the air getting thick again.
My throat closes up as memories start flooding back and realizations start hitting me left and right. My gut wrenches and my mouth goes paper dry like all the color fades from this vibrant diner.
"That cannot be true," I say in disbelief in his words and myself. My eyes stay on Niall's pale blue ones and he just hums, nodding his head again.
"He admitted it himself. He was good as hell too, sly prick ... Knew all the right words to say to make the girl feel guilty for not wantin' to sleep with him so they'd eventually cave." Niall states and I feel sick to my stomach, feeling the pit form in my gut and I see the disgust on Niall's face.
"So yeah, he deserved every punch I threw." He finishes.
I blink a few times as my body deflates and melts into Harry, relaxing into him a little more.
"Ya alright? You're lookin' quite pale, darlin'." His thick accent rings in my ears and my lungs close up.
"I need to use the restroom, sorry–" I choke out to Harry quietly and his arms loosen enough for me to get out of the booth. "Give me a second." My brain is spinning as I try to find the bathroom, hearing him call out for me.
I can't even think straight as I go to the back of this diner and pull the door open and I shut the door behind me in this empty bathroom. I lock the door, ensuring it stays empty in here, as I inhale oxygen like it's running out.
The second the lock clicks, it's like that nagging feeling crawling through my veins all day finally made its gruesome attack on my body.
My back hits the door as I hunch over to try and desperately breathe right now. I slide down the length of the wooden door and to the tiled ground. I pull my knees into my chest and I gasp for air greedily, trying to but I can't.
I whimper at the pain growing in my chest as memory after memory floods through my head at a time that was a complete blur for me.
I put my flannel-covered hands over my ears and I try counting down as Charlie said. I do, muttering the numbers under my breath as my mind focuses on that. I choke on breaths as I pant with white noise ringing louder than ever in my ears whilst tears prick my eyes, refusing to let them fall.
I finally get my breathing under control but my mind feels heavy and foggy, exhausted is the word for it. I just rest my forehead on my knees and I grip my jeans in my sweating palms as my chest hiccups on oxygen. My eyes pinched shut as a memory flashes back to me and it forces the pain to crack in my chest.
"Babe!" I hear Ki call out from the front door of his apartment. I've been here for a few hours, throwing myself into schoolwork and trying to get myself out of the loneliness of my own apartment. The front door shuts off in the distance through his apartment and I call out to him.
"In here!" His footsteps get closer and closer. Soon enough, his figure steps into the room, putting a smile on my face because he's put up with a lot of my shit. He grins back, seeing his dark hair and caramel skin as he walks over. He sets his backpack down and hums as he leans down to me on his bed.
"Hi." He mumbles before pressing his lips to mine.
"Hi." I kiss him back. Hearing a hum leave his lips to vibrate against mine, I feel him push my laptop off my lap. I pull back from the kiss but he persists and slots himself in between my legs.
"Wait, I'm not really feeling it–" I mutter and he continues on, kissing me even harder as if to convince me to keep going, and my gut wrenches. His chapped lips capture mine in an unsynchronized fashion, my body becoming more and more uncomfortably anxious.
"Kian–" I whimper against the kiss and he finally listens to me. He pulls back with a sight that almost sounds annoyed to meet my eyes as I stare at his dark brown ones with a light pant with my heart thundering in my chest.
"I have a lot of school work to catch up on ... I really don't want to have to graduate late," I mutter and he brushes my hair behind my ear, pecking my lips again and I can only lightly kiss back.
"You'll be fine ... I just miss you." He sighs and my heart clenches as my eyebrows knit together.
"I'm right here." I smile sweetly, cupping his face in my hands. I feel the stubble on his skin while I stroke my thumbs over his cheekbones and he shakes his head with a sigh.
"I know, you've just been distant lately. I get your reasons, babe, I just miss my girl." He says somberly as his hand slips under my shirt to touch my bare skin and I bite at the inside of my cheek.
"I have so much school work–" I whisper because that's always been my priority in life, I promised myself that. He just shakes his head at me with the slightest of annoyed eye rolls, forcing me to feel the guilt.
"It's fine, I'm not surprised, Rory." He sighs before pulling away and the guilt shocks through my system as I pull him back.
"Sorry, sorry ... I'm here," I tell him, kissing him again and his curl up against mine. The tug to the stress of school work piling up on me aches my soul but I owe this to him.
I owe him for all the bullshit he has had to put up with these last few months. I owe him for even considering staying with this fucked up person I've become.
I owe him for having to love me.
He hums, kissing me back harder and I keep up with him.
"What can I do?" I mutter against his lips, being in this numbness of life recently.
I haven't fully accepted my reality and decided to go along with this thing called life, I always have, as if nothing's happened. All the days seem to blend together at this point and nothing ever seems like reality anymore. I push it all away because he didn't deserve to see that ugly side of me, I keep it hidden for a reason.
"Just you," he pulls my legs so my back falls to the bed and his body takes over on top. He rolls himself over, pulling me with him to be on top and pushing my books to the side.
"I need you ..." He mumbles against my lips and I feel only a tad better. "Thought I was losing you, Rory," he continues and I kiss him harder, starting to peel my clothes off.
"I'm sorry. I'll do better, I'm just out of it." I mutter breathlessly as he hums. He attempts to massage my breasts already but gropes them roughly instead, making me pinch my eyes shut in displeasure pain.
"I know you have a lot going on ... I don't think it can compare to the shit I have to deal with at work and with my dad ... this can help us both feel better." He breathes out and I nod.
The thing was, I honestly never owed him anything.
I groan out of frustration at myself, hating myself for not seeing it – for not seeing how much he manipulated me to the point that I thought things like that were normal. He took advantage of me at a time I was most vulnerable and he knew, he knew about everything going on at that time.
I tug at my hair to feel the sting along my scalp, genuinely wanting the pain of being so weak.
I need to fucking leave.
I get myself up in the shambles I'm in, walking over to the sink, and running the cold water over my shaking hands. I look up at my distressed features in the mirror and hate what I see at the moment.
I don't give any fucks because the universe doesn't seem to either.
I lean down to wash my face with cold water to attempt to rid the evident distress from my features. I sniffle, shutting the tap off and drying my face to go deal with that outside.
It's funny how you learn things about people that make you rethink every interaction, every word said, and every experience shared. They become a different person in your eyes within a matter of seconds. In my eyes, I couldn't be more thankful he's dead now.
The longer I stared back at that person in the mirror, the more I realized just how many times I actually fell for that shit.
I walk out and absolutely zero emotion on my face, hearing the bubbling diner chatter fill my ears. I walk over, noticing both Harry and Niall jump when I reach the table with looks on their faces that look like absolute trouble.
"Everything okay?" I hear his Irish accent and I reach over Harry, grabbing my bag and my books on the table.
"Ace," Harry starts, seeing his green eyes that almost make me believe he's concerned as I glance over at him.
"I'm leaving, I have to actually study," I tell him this time because I truly did and school is my priority.
"Why is he even here?" I snap at Harry. I grab my phone off the table, wondering why it was out because I didn't pull it out earlier and ignoring the fact that I said that in front of Niall.
I pull a twenty out of my wallet and place it on the table. "Your ... new babysitter, sometimes ..." Harry mutters under his breath and my eyes shoot to him, biting the inside of his cheek. I just grit my teeth and I let out a frustrated huff.
I take my bag and pull it over my shoulder, not bothering to say nice to meet ya because I can't say it was.
"Fuck's sake–" I hear Harry as I walk out of the diner to the cold again. I wrap my arms around myself and start to walk down the pavement to get to the main street in hopes of a cab.
"Ace," Harry calls out and I hear his fast footsteps behind me, his hand grabs my forearm and pulls me back to his car.
"I'm getting a fucking cab–" I snap stubbornly at the fatigue in my head but Harry just yanks me, even more, to force my feet to stumble across the pavement.
"Get in," he snaps at me, pushing me back into his car as I fall into the seat and shuts the door.
I exhale sharply, leaning back as he gets in on the other side to start up the car. I continue to hug myself while I swim in his flannel still as the car slowly starts to warm up. I can feel his eyes staring bullets into the side of my head.
"What the hell was that?" He starts pulling away from the curb and I pinch the bridge of my nose.
"I have better things to do with my life, Harry," I mutter and he scoffs at me, needing another cigarette right now.
I clammer through my backpack for one and stick it in between my lips before cupping the end to light it. The spark wheel ignites a simple reddish flame that's all the more tempting at this moment. The familiarity of the haze fills my lungs and I sniffle before tucking my lighter away into my pocket.
"And I don't need another fucking stalker, are you delusional!" I snap at him and I examine his knuckles get white on the wheel.
"Watch your tone, first of all, and second ... I'm not always going to be there, I trust Niall–" he starts and I tug at my roots, burying my head in between my knees with a loud groan.
"You are not making any fucking sense! You have no idea how frustrating all of this is." I start to crumble a little and I breathe heavily. The music engulfs the car because he can't even answer me himself.
I lift my head, exhaling sharply to take another long drag of this cigarette in between my fingers. He stays quiet as if he's granting me time to pull myself together or working to contain himself.
"I can't–" he starts this same bullshit again. I cut him off swiftly as I breathe out the drag of smoke.
"Yeah, you can't. I fucking got that message, Harry." I snap before I sniffle quietly. I stare forward, focusing on the cigarette and his knuckles definitely are still white on the wheel.
"You were fine an hour ago." He decides to say instead and I scoff at him with my lips withdrawn in shock of the motherfucker, staring over to see his clenched jaw muscle bulging in accompaniment of his sharp structure.
"No shit, Sherlock." I snap as his eyes snap to me.
"You're projecting?" He just keeps going and my anger rises at my own words being thrown back at me right now.
"Will you shut the fuck up!" I smack the back of his head, making him cringe with a loud groan.
"Jesus- I just want to know what happened in the span of the 20 minutes you were gone!" He snaps back as he continues to focus on driving and I scoff at him.
"Realizing how fucking weak I am for believing the motherfucking shit that comes out of people's mouths." I snap coldly and he goes silent yet again.
"Stop here," I say harshly and he does with a string of curse words leaving his mouth whilst he pulls over to hit the brakes hard. I open the door abruptly to hear him call out.
"Rory–" he snaps and I shut the door because I know his intentions aren't genuine either.
I flick the end of the cigarette out on the pavement in the cold and head down the sidewalk to the gym. I pull my backpack off to try and find my keys. I grab the keychain and flip through the various things to get the key to the gym, sticking it into the lock and twisting to detect the satisfying click.
I pull open the door and step in, walking in and flicking the lights on for the empty place to light up. I drop my backpack with my keys on the ground as I tug off this flannel swimming in my arms. I sniffle, pulling my top off to leave myself in this zero-support bra tight against my chest. Not that there is anything that really needs support, I just pull my hair up into a lazy bun and call it enough.
I turn up the music, enough to drown out my thoughts if they get too overwhelming.
I don't even bother taping my knuckles up. I walk across the squishy mats to the leather punch bag hanging from the low ceilings. I stretch for a second but slowly give up because I'm so unbelievably frustrated with myself.
I walk myself over to the welcoming punching bag in front of me. My fist collides into the leather feels like a breath of relief, like a break in this pain I feel in my chest and lodged in my throat.
I go at it, never wanting to let this feeling go right now. Every hit, every sharp punch, every snap against this bag is like a breath of fresh air. My body starts to heat up as I punch, welcoming the shooting pain through my knuckles.
My eyes snap over at the movement in the mirror when consciousness withers back to reality for a second. I scream and I'm pretty sure my heart just missed a beat in my racing chest.
"Fuck–" My head snaps over as my chest rises and falls to see Harry just leaning against the wall like he's been staring. There's no real expression on his face and I try to catch my breath at the surprise and the fact that I was mid-workout.
He starts walking over across the mats in the same shoes that adorn mine at the moment. "Can you just leave?" I snap rather harshly at him.
He just hums, finding himself right behind the punching bag. He grabs onto the swinging leather bag to steady it.
"Go for it," he states and my eyes go a little wide as I stare up at him.
"Not while you're standing there," I say in annoyance with my chest still rising and falling abruptly, sweat coating my body lightly. He just runs his fingers through his hair, leaning against the punching bag and sighing as if he's annoyed.
"Keep going," he says sharper and slowly and I give him an examination, knitting my eyebrows together.
"Why–" I start again and his eyes narrow at me.
"Will you listen? This once, Ace?" He asks and I huff, wiping the sweat from my brow. His eyes flicker down to my choice of workout wear and I jab at the bag.
"Eyes up here," I snap and his lips curl up into a faint smile, going at it again as he holds the bag in place. The steadiness of the bag increases the impact and eases the control of my hits. My knuckles ache every time they slam into the bag filled with sand.
The memories flash through my head with Harry right in front of me, but he's a blur because I can only see those guilty brown eyes.
Every time I let his words get to me, every time I let myself be that vulnerable, every time I let him take advantage of me after the accident.
"You're punching with your arms–" Harry makes his presence known again, pulling me out of my circling thoughts. I stop abruptly, groaning at him.
"Harry. I don't really care for the mansplaining right now–" I start and he scoffs at me, raising his eyebrow as I pant.
"You're already spent because you're punching with your arms." He instructs and I scoff at him through my obvious harsh pants.
"What the hell am I supposed to punch with then, dumbass?" I ask and his jaw clenches slightly before his eyes flicker down to my stomach.
"Your core." He states and I huff at him, seeing him nod his head at me to go again. "Keep going, see the difference yourself." His confidence radiates off of him, making me even more pissed off, and I exhale sharply.
I crouch down again a little, guarding my jaw and I punch again. My core flexes as I use my hips to put more power behind my hits, Harry holding the bag effectively as he leans into it with those green eyes pinned on my moves.
I manage to pull my breathing under control but my body still burning hot as I breathe out sharp puffs of air. My eyes flicker up to his and I witness that proud smile on his face, extracting a harder punch out of me.
"Wanna tell me what just happened earlier?" He decides to ask and I let out a sharp exhale as I hit the leather, my knuckles bleeding down my hands as they burn and ache.
"No, stop talking." I snap at him, continuing to punch as my body is covered in sweat and I hear his scoff.
"No? Didn't have anything to do with the recent news about your dead fuck buddy?" He says, always trying to yank thoughts out of me that I keep locked away.
I nearly miss the bag and slam my fist into his face with that one.
"Prick." I breathe out and I catch his laugh, causing me to huff under my breath.
"Who? Me?" I hear his sarcasm dumbly ask and I scoff. I ignore him as I continue to run combinations and my blood makes an appearance on the leather casing of the punching bag. "Why'd you still sleep with him–" he starts and I punch harder at this conversation.
"Because I knew him," I pant out. "Trusted him enough," I punch harder while my throat closes up and my sinuses begin to sting.
"But you broke up with him?" Harry asks and that's when more realizations hit me.
"No," I rasp out and I sniffle, hearing Harry hum but I don't dare look up to meet those jade eyes. "He did and he'd–" I huff sharply, punching immensely harder at the all-consuming thoughts swirling in my head. "He'd still fucking call." I snap.
"And why did you even put up with that shit?" I hear him continue on like he's annoyed with my stupid decisions.
Trust me, Harry, I am too.
I bite on the inside of my cheek, tasting the metallic taste of blood spread across my tastebuds.
"I thought it was normal–" punch. "I was used to it." hit ."He would say this shit, he made it seem like I was the problem after the–" I rant out my rage, stopping myself before I spill more than I should, and he surprisingly just listens.
"Like?" I hear him and I sniffle, feeling the sweat run down my temple and strands of my hair falling over my forehead to stick to my skin.
"He made me feel like shit for not wanting to sleep with him." I snap because, at that time, I didn't give two fucks about sex when I was trying to find a will to live.
"Guilt tripped you into it ... " He mumbles and my eyes pinch shut for a second before I'm punching again, my arms burning with my abdomen aching.
"And I fucking believed every second of it." I punch hard, my knuckle busts open and the blood drips down the backs of my hands. "He had no goddamn right either, he was shit in bed." I snap and ignore Harry's presence still because he's actually letting me get this out right now. "Did all the damn work and got nothing in return," I grit my teeth.
"Wanker." I hear Harry and I actually breathe out a laugh at his accent coating his words stronger than normal.
"An absolute wanker." I punch harder and I glance up finally to see the slight upturn of his lips as his green eyes meet mine.
"Well ... he's dead, isn't he?" He says proudly and I pull back with a strangled scoff, shaking my head at him in disbelief of the ease of that comment.
I try to catch my breath and his chuckle resounds over my ringing ears and the loud 70s rock music only to sense a hand grab my wrist and my feet stumble with him. This lightheadedness consumes me as I breathe harshly, he tugs me to the sink to turn the tap on.
I pull my body to it so my hip bones hit the edge of the worn-out porcelain sink with his body behind mine. I hiccup on a breath in this charged silence with the music and tap running. His body presses into my warm one, his arms wrapping around me from behind me.
He takes my hands and brings them down to wash the blood off them. My face twists with a light wince when he rubs his thumb over the cuts to clean the crimson as he leans over my shoulder to see what he's doing. The red crimson contrasts against the white porcelain and the clear water swirling down the drain.
He takes his time as this moment seems to carry on infinitely. His hands encase mine and I glance over my shoulder, seeing his jade eyes fixed down at my bruised and battered hands. I'm still breathing deeply before I glance back down at his tattooed arms around me and his hands.
My throat closes up when his lips gravitate to my ear.
"You're not weak, Ace, he was."
He whispers enough to make my eyes pinch shut, all these lingering emotions well up in my throat. I feel him press a soft kiss to the outer shell of my ear whilst a tear slips from the corner of my eye on the opposite side he's leaning over.
---
this stuff is sickening and all too real but it happens more often than not. so if anyone tries this shit with you, just pull a rory at the pit and sucker punch the mf for me!
AND side note: you all AINT ready for the next chapter ;)
go vote if you're enjoying the story!
stay safe, bbys
love always, han