-Kaisa-
After the meeting, all the squad leaders left, and only Hange, Levi, Erwin, and myself remain in our seats. The air doesn't feel as heavy as I thought it would, but it's possible that's because my two good friends are sitting in this room alongside me.
Nudging Levi slightly, I show my discomfort by leaning in and asking softly, "Can we go now?"
"Not yet." He responds, keeping his head forward at Hange.
Erwin clears his throat, causing me to mentally sigh in annoyance.
Levi, did you know about this?
Humanity's Strongest glances at me from his peripherals.
Mayhaps.
I consciously stop myself from groaning out loud.
I hate you.
"Kaisa." Erwin begins, "I want to apologize for my initial behaviour those months ago. After careful consideration, I agree my behaviour was relatively extreme."
"Observing your commitment to Eren's liberation from the Reiss family made it clear my reaction was not rationally thought out considering your previous works for the Survey Corps." He admits.
Levi burns his gaze into the man, which Erwin glances at before clearing his throat, "And after being held accountable by these two, I've acknowledged the mistreatment, and on behalf of the Survey Corps, I also apologize."
Despite the many grudges I hold, the sincerity in his voice is overwhelmingly present. Although I've already made my mind up to an extent, the words are stuck in my throat. A part of me is screaming this is a red flag, but the newest version of me is calmly reminding me of a fresh start. Will life be easier if I accept this apology? Is my pride more important than the outcome of humanity?
With the answer made up in my mind I lean in with a slight nod, "I accept your apology, Erwin."
Hange lets out the biggest sigh, "Damn! I can't believe I held my breath that entire time. Phew! You guys really know how to make something simple so dramatic."
I raise an eyebrow in response to the ironic statement Hange's made. Turning to Levi, he sits back in his chair, palm open towards Erwin.
"Give it." Levi flexes his hand with his words.
Erwin silently reaches into his pocket, begrudgingly placing a couple of coins in Levi's palm. Confused, I sit up straight in my chair, eyes darting between the two men. Ignoring my face, Erwin gathers the papers sprawled on the table and Levi pockets the coins.
"Um, excuse me, we are not just going to act like that interaction never happened." I point at the two of them with skepticism.
"It's nothing-" Erwin begins, but Levi cuts him off.
"I bet that you'd accept the apology within a couple of minutes. Erwin thought you'd take a day to think about it."
My mouth drops slightly, "You bet on me?!"
Levi shrugs, "Easy money."
"Tch, how'd you know I'd say yes?" Irritation laces my voice.
Levi doesn't say anything, instead stares at the wrappers bundled on the table in front of me.
I turn to Hange in disbelief before glaring at Levi, "That's why you had candy in your pocket!"
"It puts you in a good mood." He nonchalantly replies before standing up.
I cross my arms like a child, "Psh. Fools, all of you."
"Let's go." Levi says.
"Are you upset, Kaisa?" Erwin questions from his seat.
"No. I'll just steal the money from him later." I shrug as Levi pulls out my chair.
Erwin looks down with a small smile, "It's good to have you back, Kaisa."
I brush his comment off with a free hand. "Yeah, yeah, sure. I'm charging you for the fees I had when I was gone!" I sing while climbing onto Levi's back once again.
Hange erupts in laughter, "You deserve it, Erwin! Can't outsmart those who are cunning like Kaisa!"
Erwin looks at her slightly offended, "I am cunning, too."
Levi holds onto me once my arms are fastened around his shoulders, asking if I'm ready before standing up. He gives me a little bounce for adjustment and begins leaving the room. As we turn away, I snap my head back, sticking my tongue out at the commander before waving to Hange as Levi carries me out. Hange stands up, bidding her goodbye to Erwin, grabbing something from him before quickly following up next to us with a smile.
"Alright, Kaisa! Let's get you checked out."
I groan, dragging his name out, "Levi..."
"What?"
"I thought you forgot about me getting a check up!" I whine, kicking my legs softly.
"Oi, cut it out. You're going to hurt yourself."
Hange leans into the short man with a devilish smirk on her face, "Oh? Does the short-tempered-short-man care about something so much that he verbalizes it?"
"I already have an idiot on my back, Four-Eyes, I don't need you contributing to my suffering." He deadpans.
"Hey!" I huff, "I am not an idiot!"
"That's what idiots say."
I click my tongue, hiding myself in the back of his shoulder, grumbling. What a weird guy. One moment, he's spitting out insults, and the next, he's berating me because I don't take care of myself. Why does it always have to be one or the other? Why can't I have both? Although, a part of me is thankful nothing much as changed between us. I'm aware my expectations of Levi to become more loving aren't realistic; these thoughts are more so figments of my imagination.
But it wouldn't be Levi if he were to change overnight.
On the way to her room, Hange flails her arms about, talking about the most random crap I could ever think of. After berating me for not looking at her while she's talking, I lift my eyes, watching a smile appear on her face before she continues. With her exaggerated movements, it doesn't take me long to notice the document she picked up earlier with Erwin has disappeared.
Interesting.
As the thought passes my mind, I glance at Levi, waiting for a reaction; it never comes.
So, that's how it works!
In order for Levi to hear my thoughts, I need to address the thought to him with intention, and I need to be within a certain radius of him. I wonder if this radius can be improved upon with training, or if something else is a factor regarding this telepathic connection Levi and I have. Even if I could train it, how would that take place? Would we have to sit in rooms away from each other until it got stronger?
A few moments later, the three of us stand outside of Hange's room before she takes her key out to open it. She was one of the few who actually locked her dormitory, but it's understandable considering the sensitive information she keeps lying around. Levi and I never bothered; all the soldiers are too afraid of Levi and they're also aware of the wrath they'd face if they snooped through my shit.
Levi's features visibly cringe at the sight of papers strewn across the tables, floors, and bookshelves. A laugh escapes me as Hange quickly stacks the papers on her desk into a frazzled pile, pushing them to the side afterwards. Hange smiles with arms outstretched in front of her as if to welcome me to my examination table.
"You don't seriously think I'm putting Kaisa on that filthy desk of yours, right?" Levi's voice is indifferent but he's not joking.
I pat his shoulder as Hange rushes to her bathroom, "It's fine, Levi—let's just get this over with."
He clicks his tongue, bringing us towards the table before grabbing my legs, wrapping them around his waist completely. Just as he adjusts me, Hange pops out, tossing over a bottle towards him. Levi catches it with ease, rolling up his sleeves, pulling out a cloth afterwards. I pull myself to the side over his shoulder to see what he's doing, only to realise he's wiping down the surface with the solution Hange tossed him.
Once he's done, he places the bottle to the side before carefully putting me down on the desk, moving to the side for Hange to step in. She walks over with a small trolley with a bunch of medical equipment which looks scary and intimidating. Hange gives me a smile, placing a hand on my shoulder with reassurance.
"Don't worry, there aren't any needles today, Kaisa." Hange affirms.
I let out a sigh I don't even know I'm holding in, relaxing as she begins checking my face.
Levi crosses his arms, "You're still scared of needles?"
I turn to respond, but Hange turns my head back to face her, "Ignore him, Kaisa. I need to check your pupils."
"Okay."
After careful examination, Hange stands back with her hands on her hips, "Alright, take the shirt off!"
"Um, okay." I respond, hands reaching for the bottom of my shirt.
From the corner of my eye, Levi turns his body, heading towards the door. Although I understand a plausible reason as to why, I'm filled with disappointment with every step he takes.
"Wait, Levi, where are you going?"
His head peers over his shoulder, "Isn't obvious? I'm leaving the room."
My heart squeezes in adoration, "Can you stay?"
His face softens and he returns next to me, "What happened to 'I'm changing, don't look'?"
I shrug, about to speak when Hange interrupts me.
"Oh be quiet, Shorty. I know of your intimacy with this one." She cocks her head at me.
Levi snaps his head from Hange with disbelief in his eyes, "Y-you told this weirdo?!"
I cross my arms with irritation, "Of course I didn't!"
Hange smirks, leaning into Levi's space, "She didn't—I heard."
"Get out of my bubble, freak." Levi seethes before turning to me.
His tone is softer, "And you didn't tell me?"
I put my hands up in apology, "Sorry...I didn't think it was important."
"Tch, whatever—just make sure she's okay, Four-Eyes."
"You heard the man, Kaisa. Strip!" She smiles, grabbing a clipboard and pen.
"Don't say it like that!" I retort, taking off my top.
Hange laughs, calming down soon after my comment, only for her eyebrows to furrow at me. Levi matches her expression, rendering me confused. A second later, Levi takes in a sharp breath, taken aback. It's not like I've completely stripped—of course I'm wearing a sports bra underneath, so what's the big deal?
"What're you guys looking at?" I think aloud while looking down.
Oh. That's what they're looking at.
"...what the hell?" The words spill through my lips quietly as I brush my fingertips across the left side of my chest.
Underneath my touch rests a sun, carefully imprinted above my heart. Vibrant colours of a sunset are splattered freely across the image, almost similar to watercolour artwork. It doesn't hurt, surprisingly, but I also don't understand where it came from. I slip my left arm through the band of the bra, pulling the fabric down just enough to reveal the entire inked section of my chest without showing anything more. Hange's stare doesn't falter, intrigued with the image in front of her. Turning to Levi, he doesn't say anything but reaches up to unbutton his top.
I put an arm out in attempt to stop Levi's undressing, "Oi, Levi! What the hell are you doing?"
He slightly pulls back from me, unbuttoning halfway, sliding the white top off his left shoulder. Disbeliefs strikes me, completely unsure of what to think. From my view, on the right side where his heart rests is a tattoo of a crescent moon, filled with the same watercolour pattern ranging from dark blues and purples to teals. My eyes link with Levi's, and Hange turns to him upon noticing my expression after finishing her notes on me.
"Whoa! Look at you two!" Hange says bewildered, "I didn't know you guys got matching tattoos!"
The scientist leans into me, hiding her lips behind the clipboard, "Don't you think it's a bit early to commit to the Shorty?"
Levi softly, but firmly responds without breaking our gaze, "We didn't."
"We didn't." I confirm.
Hange stands up straight, "Hm, well that's interesting. I wonder if this is related to Kaisa's newfound powers. Levi told me you were able to melt through the crystalized walls in Rod Reiss' temple—is that correct?"
I nod, "Yeah, it is."
"Can I touch you?" She asks, surprisingly calm about the entire situation.
"Uh, yeah, sure."
Her fingertips are slightly cold and my body tenses in response. After she's done, she writes a couple of things down in her clipboard before walking towards Levi. At first, it's clear he doesn't want anyone touching him, but after the glare I give him, Levi lets her examine him. He doesn't look uncomfortable, allowing Hange to write down some similarities. Although perplexed, the three of us are in silence as we interpret the situation at hand. Once Hange seems finished, she places the wooden board down before giving me a normal examination.
It's only when she comes to my stomach that it aches. A groan escapes me when she presses her hands slightly against my torso which has her eyebrows shoot up in shock. Ignoring it for a while, Hange takes my arms, turning and flexing them in evaluation of their elasticity. Everything seems to be fine except my stomach which she returns to. Her look tells me she's concerned and asks Levi to leave the room, which he does without objection.
As the door shuts, Hange's tone comes out seriously, "Kaisa, did you drink that pill I gave you?"
My stomach sinks when she asks that question, "Of course I did! You saw me drink it."
"Have your titties been hurting?" She asks nonchalantly.
"No, not that I've noticed." I answer, subconsciously squeezing one in confirmation.
"Peeing more often?"
"No, not that I've noticed."
She walks towards one of her shelves, pulling out a box, bringing it towards me. Placing it down on the desk next to me, I catch a glance at its context before she opens it.
"Hange, you don't actually think I'm pregnant, do you?"
"Well, you're not showing many symptoms, but we can't be too sure and we should rule out all possible reasons for your ache."
"But it'd basically be impossible!" I express.
"Well, we don't know that for sure. It may be unlikely, but even if you were taking birth control, the chance is never theoretically zero."
My head spins while bringing a hand up to my mouth, "I think I'm going to be sick."
"Kaisa, it'll be okay!" Hange gives me a reassuring smile. "Even if you are pregnant, I'm sure you and Levi would be incredible parents to the little one! Levi would be such a good father."
"That's exactly why I'm concerned." Worry laces my voice.
Hange hums, understanding what I mean, "You're worried he won't take the risks Erwin asks him to do because the possibility of dying means he leaves not you, but his child."
I hunch over, hands in my hair, "And he would never let me outside these walls if he knew I was carrying his baby."
The blood pulses between my temples despite my lightheaded nature at the moment. My vision blurs, going in and out of focus while tears build at the corner of my eyes. My hands are trembling, holding onto strands of my hair in hopes of gaining some sort of balance. My legs almost feel numb, hanging carelessly over the edge of my best friend's desk.
Fuck, I can't believe I was so stupid! I should have known better than to sleep with Levi without any form of protection! But I was nearing the end of my cycle as well, so my chances of ovulation were low. He pulled out, right? No, he didn't. Fuck! I don't even remember anything from that evening besides his face and the actual feeling of it all. How could anybody think straight with the faces he made?! Shit, I can't believe I'm actually needing to worry about a child. I'm too young, I can't be having a kid right now! I have duties to fulfill and other children I have to protect. How can I bring a child into a world of suffering I haven't freed others from yet?
"Kaisa," Hange interrupts my thoughts with caring hands resting on my shoulders, "Let's take a deep breath together, okay?"
Sharing a gaze, I nod slowly before Hange models the pace of breathing for me. My own shaky breath mimics hers for a while before she softly smiles. Giving me a soft squeeze, she stands up again opening the box, puling out the rectangular package. Anyone with a brain cell could see the panic washing over my face.
"It's okay, Kaisa. I'm right here with you. You can take it in my washroom, and I'll wait outside the door; it'll be like I'm in there with you!" She calmly reminds. "Forty-five seconds. That's all it'll take, and we'll figure it out, okay?"
She gently takes my hand, placing the thin package in it before helping me down. As I follow her escort, a question pops in my head.
"Hange?"
"Yes, love?"
"Why do you have these kinds of tests in your room and not your lab?"
"...Shit." She curses with a soft chuckle.
Hange sighs before giving me a comforting look, "Let's just say you're not the only one having to worry about these kinds of things."
My mouth drops, "No-fucking-way!"
"Enough about me, it's time for you get in there and-"
"It's Moblit, isn't it?" I exclaim, remembering the slight blush across Moblit's face earlier today.
Her cheeks redden, pushing me into the washroom, "Okay, I'll be waiting right here! See you in forty-five seconds!"
The door shuts behind me, leaving me alone with the box in hand. Reading over the instructions, Hange confirms and denies any concerns I have, supporting me from behind the door. Following all the instructions, I take the test, bouncing my leg anxiously as I await the answer in disarray. All the consequences of one night come rushing through my thoughts. It's been over a week since our last interaction, so chances are that the hormone has already been produced in my body. I haven't missed a period yet, but we don't know if that's actually true considering I straight up went MIA for so long!
Although, a part of me isn't so afraid of a child. A small little Levi clinging to the side of my leg doesn't seem so bad. I wonder if they'd have blue eyes; maybe they'd have his black hair with my green eyes; maybe they'd have the opposite and look more like me. I wonder if they'd be as openly clingy unlike his father, or maybe they'd have the same independence like the both of us. I wonder if they'd be short, or if they'd grow tall from his genetics. And suddenly, maybe having a physical memory of Levi would be comforting in case he slipped through my fingertips. I'd have a child growing inside me, a whole other human being! In a weird way, it's also scary that I'm having such a quick change of heart in a matter of seconds.
It's been a minute since I've taken the test, but I've yet to hold the courage to look at it. Frankly, I've been praying to whatever will listen to me in hopes that only one line will appear, freeing me of this newfound anxiety and destroying the hopeful feelings I've been holding as well. Another part of me wonders what Levi is thinking of outside as he waits. We haven't called him back in yet and it's been about seven minutes now. Regardless, I open the washroom door, facing my best friend.
"I can't do it, I don't wanna look!" My voice shakes from the nerves and I thrust the test at Hange after I've exited the room.
"Take a deep breath, you'll be okay; we'll be okay; everything is going to be okay, Kaisa." Hange affirms.
Uncertainty swirls inside me. Seeing two lines would simply send me spiraling into a whirlpool of distress. Hange grabs my hand, taking the test before guiding me to her desk. I prop myself up, feeling my stomach twinge in a weird way in pain from the sudden movement. With hands fiddling in my lap, I wait for Hange to turn the test over and read my results.
"Okay, we're doing more breaths before I read this because you're clearly not in a state to be hearing news and-"
I snap my head at her, "Just read the damn test already, Hange!"
She puts her hands up in defense, "Yup! Okay! Definitely. I agree! I think we should definitely read this test right now and get it over with." She babbles.
My legs swing back and forth slightly in the air, unable to stay still while awaiting the news that would literally change my life forever. In fact, it'd change all of our lives. How would I be able to protect others if I need to think of someone else who is more important that lives inside me?
The thought of raising a child with Levi is somewhat comforting and Levi's words from the other day are quite fitting in this situation. Do I really plan on fighting outside the walls forever? If not, would it be reasonable to have a kid before settling this war? Would retaking Wall Maria make this world a safer place to bring a child into? There are so many questions, and yet, all of them seem right but wrong at the same time.
"Kaisa, stop overthinking." Hange says calmly, "Bring your attention back to me."
I snap out, nodding my head before taking a deep breath, letting it out.
Mustering up the courage, I look at the trustworthy scientist, "Okay, I'm ready. You can read it to me now, Hange."
"Alright." She nods.
She flips the test over, staring at the result on the stick. She doesn't say anything for a while, sending my worrisome soul beyond the constellations.
"It's negative." She sighs in relief, knowing I got the answer I wanted.
I match her emotions, finally relaxing on her desk as she passes the results to me. Seeing the single line across the test is more comforting than anything else now. Hange passes the box to me, waiting for me to put it in. With one final glance, I put it away. After disposing of it, Hange opens the door to let Levi back into the room. As she does, I feel thankful for the scientist who was willing to be supportive of my own choices. I am forever grateful for that woman, and I don't know what life would be like without her.
Walking in, Levi looks unbothered, but his expression is telling—he wants to know what's happened.
"Is anything wrong with her?" He asks.
Hange sighs, "Well, we did a test and couldn't figure out what the issue was. It's probably internal bruising from sustaining her powers. I can't wait to test out what more she can do!" She ends her informative sentences with excitement.
Ah yes, there's the crazy scientist I know.
"Which reminds me, Kaisa!" She begins.
Oh no.
"Can you come with me to the wall, please?"
I tilt my head, "Huh?"
Levi interrupts us, "She's not going to wall. She can't even walk properly!"
Hange rolls her eyes, "Well, duh! That's why you're going to help her get there!"
"No, she's going to bed; it's late." He asserts.
"Levi..." I plea, "Hange's helped us thus far—we should check out what she wants to try! Maybe it'll help us understand more of who I am..." I trail off.
Levi sighs, turning to the scientist, "Do you have any gear on you?"
Hange brightens, "Of course I do! And would you look at that, I have two sets ready for us to go!"
It was her plan all along...wow. Can't expect any less from her, I guess.
"You owe me yakisoba after this, Hange." Levi demands, fastening the belts to his body.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever." She nonchalantly responds, sending a wink my way before preparing the information she needs for testing.