[A/N: thank you all for 100k <3]
-Levi-
The rumbling stops.
It's eerily quiet with exception to the left-over rocks tumbling down the destroyed area. I feel Kaisa's chest raise up and down beneath me, comforting some of the anxieties coursing through me. Moving up, I hope to see her eyes flutter open like earlier today in bed.
"Kaisa, can you walk?"
I shake her slightly, noticing her skin is paler than I've ever seen it. Her breathing is shallow, and her body is completely limp. My stomach drops. I stare at her, leaning over her body as my thoughts are silent. Placing the back of my hand on her forehead, it's clammy and cold. Touching her pulse, it's weak. She's dying right in front of me. My body wants to move, but for once, it's frozen. My eyes dart around the destroyed building, only to see the piling of rocks on all sides of us in a circle.
My fist clutches her sweater.
You idiot, what did you do?!
I hunch over her body—what do I do?
First, I undo her gear, tossing it to the side freeing her from the restraints. I slide my arms underneath her limp body, pulling her into me before calling out for the others on the other side of the boulder.
"Oi, are the rest of you okay?" My voice rings.
"Captain! We're fine, how's it looking there?" Jean responds.
I sigh in relief, missing his question while hoisting Kaisa onto me, shooting a hook onto the boulder. With arms supporting her weight, it's evident she's unconscious as her body sinks in my arms as I land. Leaning over, all of the brats are perfectly fine surrounding Eren who's sitting on the floor. His head turns to face me in disbelief.
"It worked. Look." He points towards a crystalized form of his titan which ended up protecting the rest of them.
In front of it is a huge hole leading above, where the titan drags himself from. There is no more ceiling; only the sky where the moon resides. I click my tongue before adjusting Kaisa's weight on my body, holding her bridal style; without her holding on, it's difficult to keep her up.
"Not bad." I approve of his work.
Jean cackles to himself, only to be punished by a loose shard falling from the remaining ceiling. Damn, he's so loud--it's no surprise he's breaking apart this place.
"Is Kaisa okay?" Tobio asks from below.
"She's fine--just tired." I lie.
"Sasha, Connie," I call out.
Their heads turn to me in anticipation.
"Find a way out of here. The rest of you, see if you can salvage any of the instruments that fatass may have used to turn into that abomination."
They respond with understanding, immediately dispersing, leaving me with the unconscious woman in my arms.
Moving down from the boulder, I slide against the wall to the floor, cradling her in my arms. Her lips are slightly parted, eyes are closed, and her nose has a tint of red across the tip. Loose hairs are glued to her face from the heat earlier, and sweat rests on the temples of her forehead. When moving my hand to tuck the hair behind her ear, a breath hitches in my throat.
I'm trembling.
My hand, it's shaking; my exhale--unstable.
I throw my head back against the wall, staring into the ceiling as the negative thoughts race through my head. All these years, for her to die like this? Not to die from a titan, but a building collapsing. Not to die from her own mistake, but to die from protecting a boy from the underground.
"Oi, Kaisa...you better not die here. I'll kick your ass if you do." My voice wavers with every syllable.
The soft, shallow breath I feel against my chest disappears almost unnoticeably. I perk up, head snapping to her chest in hopes it'd rise again; it doesn't. My heart screams against my chest; I hear the pounding of my own heartbeat in my ears while resting the woman on the floor quickly. Unsure of what to do, I plug her nose and breathe into her lungs. Her chest expands slightly with each breath, but her pulse doesn't return.
I rest back on my knees, eyes wide at the unbelievable reality sitting in front of me before springing into action. Placing one of my hands on top of the other, I gently put both above her chest, counting each beat.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5., now a breath.
The cycle chants in my mind as I follow through with it twice when suddenly her chest rises on its own. With relief, I move my hands from her heart and hold her lifeless one to my own. My body hunches over the hand I hold close to my heart, slightly shaking from reality relentlessly blasting itself in my face. I have to get her out of here fast--she'll die at this rate.
Please, don't let it be this way.
God, not her. Anyone but her.
Must there really be no exceptions to this cruel world?
Moments later, I let out the last shaky breath and sit up tall, finding resolve within. The world cannot see me like this--I need to...no, I must be Humanity's Strongest. I need to trust the process.
You'll be alright, Kaisa.
Whether or not these thoughts are honest to her, or pure delusion in convincing myself, I couldn't be bothered. All I need right now is a heartbeat and breaths, and that's what she's doing. With these two things, I'll find a way to bring her back. Somehow, I'd resolve this mess.
"Captain! We've secured an exit!" Sasha calls while sliding down with Connie on her left.
Clearing my throat, I respond with a hardened heart, "Good work."
The rest must have heard the response as they pull up from their positions.
I turn to the group behind me, "Get your asses up there and get yourselves checked out. No exceptions."
Footsteps rush on our left. I quickly turn to face it only to see Armin and Kiyoko's head pop up over the edge above us.
"Are you guys okay?!" Armin calls out, "We saw the whole ground collapse in!"
"We're okay. Where's Hange?" I question.
"She's fine. More Survey Corps soldiers and medics came ready to help." Kiyoko answers.
Our groups nod and swing out, being pulled up by the two soldiers waiting. I bring Kaisa over on my own, carrying her out from the hole created. I carefully place her on the grass before bringing myself to join her, picking her up, heading towards the wagon. I almost miss the urgency with each step, looking for Hange in what to do. The anxiety rising within is deafening; I can't focus on anything but the limp woman in my arms. The scientist appears next to a cart a distance away from everyone else and I rush over.
"What happened?!" She asks, trying to take Kaisa from me.
I pull Kaisa away from her slightly, unsure of what to do. My eyes look at the woman in front of me, wanting to trust her while afraid of the consequences if I did. Hange's eyes soften, noticing the fear in my wavering eyes from her aggressive approach. She turns, leading me to an empty cart where she prepares a blanket across the wooden frame. I lay her on the cart gently.
"Fix her. Please." I desperately request.
Hange rests her head above Kaisa's heart, I'm assuming to listen for a heartbeat. Her soft eyes drop, and she slowly gets up. My right knee moves back and forth, standing in a pool of concern. Hange's reaction isn't comforting in any sense.
"Levi..."
I slam a hand on the cart's edge, "I said fix her!" My voice raises slightly.
It's not enough to gather attention, but Hange takes a step back. Her eyes dart between mine, attempting to read the situation better. Taking a breath, she softly responds.
"Her heart is barely beating, Levi. I don't have any equipment or drugs with me." Her tone drops.
"What are those fuckers over there carrying, then?" I say through gritted teeth, pointing towards a cart where others are being checked out.
"They didn't think anyone would be in critical condition." She responds.
"Incompetent fools." I curse.
I quickly bring Kaisa into my arms again, gently adjusting her. I don't know what to do, but whatever the answer is begins with getting her out of here.
"Is there anything at the cabin?" I question.
"Maybe downstairs in the torture room but I can't guarantee it." Hange sighs.
Her cold body is unsettling. Kaisa's once lively body pools carelessly in my arms. Her head drops every so often, unable to stand on its own. My thoughts start racing; my heart palpitates. I can't stop staring at her motionless face.
What can I do?! How do I fix this?!
Hange's voice takes me out of my trance, "Levi, you're going to cut off her circulation if you hold on to her that tight."
"They're heading out. Put Kaisa back in the cart and we'll take her back to HQ immediately for treatment." She continues.
I slightly turn away from the scientist, pulling her closer to me, "No. She'll be with me on a horse."
Hange puts a hand on my shoulder, speaking to the small, insecure flame inside fighting for the woman I loved.
"Levi, I know you're worried, but keeping her on a horse will make things worse. Put her on the cart."
I search her eyes for any doubt and find none. Trusting Hange, I carefully place Kaisa on the cart once again before a soldier climbs the front of the cart to guide the horses. Another soldier comes by, giving me my horse's reins before riding off.
My eyes land on the titan dragging its ass across the field, knowing its main objective is to head for the closest wall. I swing a leg over my horse before taking one last glance at Kaisa. Her arms are carefully placed on her chest, but from this angle, I can't even see the breaths she's taking.
I was misguided to think I'd have another chance to tell you the words carved in my heart.
I'd give up forever to see you smile again.
Despite the shame of us parting, I give the reins a soft whip, speeding off towards the group. The bitch of a titan drags his ass across the ground slowly, barely making progress. If he doesn't stop for a break, he'll be outside the walls by the day after tomorrow. Shit. That only gives Kaisa a day to recover before we'll take a risk to kill it.
I stop myself from turning to face the cart behind me. The urge is overwhelming, but instead, my grip on the reins tightens. It's now I realise my hands never stopped shaking. For the first time, fear seeps into my thoughts concerning Kaisa's wellbeing. She wasn't close to death any of the other times, but now, her lungs can't even take a regular breath without struggling.
Coming up next to our group, Eren's in the cart, screaming at the titan. He throws his fist in its direction. His balance isn't perfect, but that adds to the humour of this entire scene.
"Hey, titan!" He throws another fist. "You idiot! I'm talking to you! Can't you hear me you dumbass?!"
I follow behind him, watching his ineffective methods unfold.
"I'm talking to you, Rod Reiss, you tiny old man!" He screams one last time with another punch.
Glaring straight into the back of his head, Eren's body tenses before ending his actions. He doesn't dare turn and face me, knowing I'd beat his ass to a pulp like I've done before; Eren's right to fear me more than the rampaging titan in front of all of us. I click my tongue, knowing there are more dire issues at hand. Eventually Kaisa will be in a hospital, and I won't be available to be next to her or take care of her this time.
If I only had thought of another solution.
I grit my teeth in frustration knowing if I was in her position, I would have done the same. My surroundings are drowned out by the tension growing in my body. The dissonance between what may be considered as right or wrong is left unresolved. And worse of all, the 'what if's' silence any form of reason I can create. All I see is her pale skin, and all I remember is the three taps on my shoulder before the sky fell on us.
I should have said it then.
In an instant, a feeling I've successfully avoided for years floods through me.
Regret.
"Captain? Where's Kaisa?" Armin questions from the front seat of the cart.
"She's in the other cart, resting." I deadpan.
He stares at me, and I return it with an unfaltering gaze. I can tell he's not convinced; Armin'll put it together soon and realise she's not doing well. Anyone with a brain cell could recognize this behaviour is unprecedented from Kaisa. Almost always, she'll regroup before going off to get checked up on her own. Almost always, she ensures everyone else's safety and comments on something before grabbing her horse. Almost always, Kaisa rides Grace home.
Almost always.
**~~**~~**~~**
Historia successfully defeated her bitch-ass father, earning the trust of those in the land.
Usually, it'd be a relief, but I'm still cleaning up the mess that bitch made. Recovering bodies and searching for survivors isn't the most pleasant job, however, somebody had to ensure these soldiers wouldn't die out here if a titan came. The last time I chaperoned, I at least had a ball of sunshine which made it tolerable. Turning to the sky, the sun beams on my face.
Hm. Is that who she is? Does Kaisa deliver the warmth and light of the sun in this shithole of a life?
The image of her smiling in my head is enough for me to know the answer.
"Corporal!" A voice snaps my inner monologue out of commission.
"What is it?" I question, watching the soldier finish his run towards me.
He pants slightly, and I squint my brow, "God, you looked like you've pissed yourself."
He salutes before speaking, "We found Kenny. We found Kenny Ackerman!"
"You what?"
"He's around the corner."
I turn over my shoulder, seeing Hange has the rest under control, "Alright, I'll head out by myself."
"Are you sure, sir?"
"Yes. I'll be fine. Notify Hange for me." I respond, rushing off in the direction he pointed in.
Not too long later, the man reaches my vision and is sitting against the tree, looking like absolute shit. Dry blood stains his checks, leaving a trail towards his torso where my blade cut yesterday. He'd look dead if it weren't for the audible breaths he takes in to stay alive.
Breaking the silence with a monotone voice, I acknowledge the man, "With those burns and blood loss, there's no helping you now."
A small smile appears on his face, "Yeah? I wonder..."
He opens a box next to him. My eyes widen in response once they land on the syringe.
"I swiped this little one out of Rod's bag. Seems if I inject this, I'll turn into a titan...One of those dumb titans, unfortunately." He takes another breath, "But it should sustain my life for a little longer."
Looking down at the man with pity, I respond, "You've had the time and strength to inject yourself. Why haven't you?"
"Yeah...I wonder if I don't inject it right, if I'll end up like that bastard—all messed up."
"I know you're not waiting here to die. Don't you have a better excuse?" I question.
His body slumps a little, "I...don't want to die, and want power...But, I see why he did what he did."
I raise an eyebrow, "Hah?"
Kenny wastes his energy to laugh, "Everyone I've met is the same. They're all slaves to something, and all of them wish to accomplish it regardless of the cost. They're all selfish bastards."
He shuffles up the tree a bit, "Say, Levi...when are you going to tell Zelda you were the one who instigated the death of her parents?"
My brows furrow, "Who's Zelda?"
He cackles a bit once more, "That woman of yours, Kaisa, right?"
"What the hell are you talking about, old man?"
He stays still, "You do remember Zelda, don't you? Or at least, I'm sure you remembered her father who took the blame for your mistake."
My stomach drops.
"I must say, kid, you really surprised me when you told me you'd rather have his family killed instead of yourself. Didn't know you had it in ya."
He sighs, "That's when I knew you were ready to be on your own. Didn't have mercy for no one, not even a family of three."
He looks at me, evaluating my expression before chuckling once more, "Oh no, Levi. Don't tell me you forgot about them? I spared the daughter because she was cute—never knew she'd end up with the reason behind her family's death." He finishes before coughing.
His words open the wounds I sealed years ago, but my own personal issues should not interfere with the entire point of this conversation.
I put both hands on his shoulders in desperation, "Kenny, tell me everything you know."
"Why doesn't the first King want humanity to survive?!" I question.
"Beats me...but we Ackerman's...we opposed him for that very reason." He coughs blood onto my face. It takes me aback slightly before my intonation changes.
"It seems like my last name is Ackerman too. You...what were you to my mother?" I demand.
"Heh, you idiot." He lightheartedly says, "Just her brother!" He grins before coughing more blood.
My eyes widen, examining the man who raised me die slowly. His chest heaves with every single breath, and his eyes droop more each second. His hands are limp on the ground while my grip on him doesn't falter.
"That day..." I begin, recalling the memory of his back towards me, walking away. My hold on his shoulders tighten, "Why did you leave me?"
"Because...I'm not meant to be-" He starts as I drop his hold. "-Somebody's father." He rasps.
His hand reaches for the casing next to him, grabbing it before slamming it into my chest. In shock, my hand slowly reaches for it, taking hold as he slips away. His arm drops with a thud on the grass, body limp against the tree. His jaw drops and his eyes roll back, lifeless. With my mouth slightly open, his name leaves me during the last look I get of him.
"Kenny..."